guilt

The acid of
your treacherous thoughts
drips down your spine
soaks into your stomach
churns your last meal
sends it surging
up your throat.

Solidifies
into iron bands
around your chest
so every breath is an effort
every heartbeat
fainter than the last.

Collects
in the base of your skull
thumps against
the dreaming part
of your brain.

Slithers
across your forehead
as a sheen of sweat
sends your temperature soaring.

You're stuck between
a rock and a hard place-
the fresh memory
of what you've just done
and the unavoidable truth-
it's all your fault.

Honestly.. I like most of this just the way it is. You didn't sound like you were trying to make this very complex, which is perfectly fine. For that reason I'm not going to say anything about your word choice... you did a good job choosing them carefully, it gave the poem a steady flow, and that's really all that matters. And you wrote this in two minutes, which is quite impressive in my book. My two minutes of writing give birth to some pieces that don't really form a picture.

My only suggestion is to polish your stanzas (word placement, etc.) I don't mean you have to make them absolutely perfect, but maybe mix the words around and change your enjambments a bit so that it looks a little bit more uniform. For example:

The acid of
your treacherous thoughts
drips down your spine
soaks into your stomach
churns your last meal
sends it surging
up your throat.


At first you had it where "the acid" was the first line, along with the rest of the stanzas where one word draws the attention of the reader. Sometimes, though.. doing that can kind of take away from the rest of that section of the poem. "The acid" is not nearly as interesting of a line as "your treacherous thoughts" or "soaks in your stomach." While you want the reader to think 'okay, treacherous thoughts = acid' or 'okay, acid soaks in their stomach,' you also want the reader to pay attention to how the acid makes them feel... not just the acid itself. So, taking away the spotlight from the first word by adding one/two words after it somewhat restores the purpose of the fabulous text that follows. Or at least in my opinion it does. But again, technically, you don't have to listen to me. This is your great work, not mine. And I'm sorry if it just seems like I'm ranting about nothing - feel free to slap me at any time

Also, I cut the last line in half so that the stanza had a cleaner cut to it.

But regardless, whatever change you decide/don't decide to make in the end won't take away from what we can take away with us after reading this. I really like the way you incorporated the common phrase in the end (stuck between a rock and a hard place). It fit very well with the piece, and I think that overall, this sounded pretty good. Have more confidence in yourself, because really, this wasn't all that bad

I really liked this, its quite a powerful piece.
The imagery is really strong and you have some good descriptions, though I think you could add more. I also like the structure, its very simple yet its strong enough to draw you into it. To understand the feelings.

Slithers
across your forehead
as a sheen of sweat
sends your temperature soaring.

I like this, especially the use of the word "Slithers" its amazing. However, I do think its missing something on the end.
A really good piece of poetry.
Well done!

This was great, i like the use of diction and i really appreciate how you incorperated some powerful words into the more sorrowful parts of the poem, i really look forward to reading more from you

Wowzers. I must admit to getting the creepy-crawly's as i read this. You've got quite the chunk of talent kid. Stay sharp!