Cold

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 6
She was a one-eyed kitty cat
Crawling around on all eight legs
But somebody stole her sweater
And so she had to run away

Her sisters went to Hollywood
They left her behind in the rain
You claim you did all that you could
You don't know why she's still insane

Did you forget the painted faces?
Did you forget all the coffee cups?
Did you notice the way she fakes it?
Seems the radio was not enough, dear.
Did you forget you traded places?
Did you forget she's out of luck?
Did you notice the way she hates you?
Seems the radio was not enough.

Cold
Way too afraid to perform the cha-cha
Scared the devil will come out, "Hey, gotcha!"
You're cold
Begging to a corrugated father
Begging for a single sip of water
So cold
Way too afraid to perform the cha-cha
Scared the devil will come out, "Hey, gotcha!"
You're cold
Begging to a corrugated father
Begging for a single sip of water
She's so cold

Just like Joan she is a soldier
Just like Thor she has a hammer
Just like you she's gotten colder
Just like Mom she has her manners

She eats every word you tell her
But she's become anorexic
If you claim you've really helped her
Why is she so epileptic?

Did you forget the painted faces?
Did you forget all the coffee cups?
Did you notice the way she fakes it?
Seems the radio was not enough, dear.
Did you forget you traded places?
Did you forget she's out of luck?
Did you notice the way she hates you?
Seems the radio was not enough.

Cold
Way too afraid to perform the cha-cha
Scared the devil will come out, "Hey, gotcha!"
You're cold
Begging to a corrugated father
Begging for a single sip of water
So cold
Way too afraid to perform the cha-cha
Scared the devil will come out, "Hey, gotcha!"
You're cold
Begging to a corrugated father
Begging for a single sip of water
She's so cold

She broke the pottery
She won the lottery
So why is it you
That she's still honoring?
She broke the pottery
She won the lottery
So why is it you
That she's still honoring?

She broke your pottery
She won your lottery
She won't forgive you
Please don't bother her
She broke your pottery
She won your lottery
She won't forgive you
Please don't bother her

Did you forget the painted faces?
Did you forget all the coffee cups?
Did you notice the way she fakes it?
Seems the radio was not enough, dear.
Did you forget you traded places?
Did you forget she's out of luck?
Did you notice the way she hates you?
Seems the radio was not enough.

Cold
Way too afraid to perform the cha-cha
Scared the devil will come out, "Hey, gotcha!"
You're cold
Begging to a corrugated father
Begging for a single sip of water
So cold
Way too afraid to perform the cha-cha
Scared the devil will come out, "Hey, gotcha!"
You're cold
Begging to a corrugated father
Begging for a single sip of water
She's so cold




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1022
Reviews 139
So this wasn't half bad. Not bad at all actually. The rhythm and rhyme was very nice. I would get rid of the "dear" because when I read it, it through off the rhyme you had going. It was very straightforward and overall a very good song lyric.
There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles. -Anonymous.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 67823
Reviews 254
It was a good piece but it lacked emotions.... Couldn't feel anything while i read along...
It had a good flow but at some places it simply lost the flow...
Try redoing it and introducing some better words than dear...
Keep writing... :)
PM me for anything... :D
Are you living for the things you are praying for?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 23425
Reviews 566
Well, it definitely felt cold. I like it. I like the rhythm and the tone. It sounds angry, but in a distant, dissociative kind of way, if that makes sense. I'm not sure about the dears either, they sound patronising but that's okay if it's what you were going for. I also found the repeated stanzas slightly repetitive. But apart from that, I really like the rhythm and your writing style.
Matt.



clpck
— Hop (Trying to Spell "clock")