Homemade Devil

4 posts
User avatar
ehte92
Gender Male
Points 67823
Reviews 254
Wed Jan 12, 2011 7:29 pm
ehte92 says... · Wed Jan 12, 2011 7:29 pm
I love myself.
I don't care about you.
I'm very mean.
So screw you.

I'm selfless.
I'm wicked.
You better stay away.
Or else you will be baited.

I'm blessed by the devil.
I'm the preacher of evil.
Angels fear me
and the elements obey me.

I will wound you.
I'll make sure you bleed.
I'll slice you open.
I wont stop, even if you plead.

I'll take over your body.
I'll hijack your brain.
I'll make you do things
of which you never dreamt.

I love myself.
I don't care about you.
I'm very mean.
So screw you.
Last edited by ehte92 on Wed Jan 12, 2011 9:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Are you living for the things you are praying for?
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User avatar
Perviguana
Gender Male
Points 1145
Reviews 32
Wed Jan 12, 2011 8:51 pm
Perviguana says... · Wed Jan 12, 2011 8:51 pm
Hey, Pervy here. Onto the review:

You might be using the word "you" too much in the first and last part. It sounds pretty blunt when you read it out loud.

"and, the elements obey me." No comma needed ^^

"I wont stop even if you plead." Now, this one needs a comma after "stop,"

"I'll make you do things" sounds a bit boring, you could try comparing the person as a puppet in your command.

Don't fret about the "critique", It was pretty good in my opinion ^^.

Sicerely,
The perverted Iguana~
I'm bringing sexyback
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User avatar
paperbackheart
Gender Female
Points 1022
Reviews 139
Thu Jan 13, 2011 6:26 am
paperbackheart says... · Thu Jan 13, 2011 6:26 am
Haha this is actually how I feel right now. Very short, very to the point, and I like it. And I have nothing left to say so Happy January!!!
There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles. -Anonymous.
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DukeofWonderland
Gender Female
Points 668
Reviews 131
Wed Oct 05, 2011 7:39 pm
DukeofWonderland says... · Wed Oct 05, 2011 7:39 pm
ehte92 wrote:I love myself.
I don't care about you.
I'm very mean.
So screw you. I like the beginnig- no, I love it :)

I'm selfless.
I'm wicked.
You better stay away.
Or else you will be baited.The awesome flow got lost here, this doesn't fall in the rhyming scheme

I'm blessed by the devil.
I'm the preacher of evil.
Angels fear me
and the elements obey me.Since you just used me, do sth else here, but say the same msg

I will wound you.
I'll make sure you bleed.
I'll slice you open.
I wont stop, even if you plead.ow, scary. You remind me of my friends :P

I love myself.
I don't care about you.
I'm very mean.
So screw you.
hah! I love the ending! It's fun and informal, but I like that. :D
"The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it
regularly went cuckoo."
-- Terry Pratchett, "Wyrd Sisters"
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4 posts


I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
— Dr. Seuss