Sara's Lilacs

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The long grass around me waves slightly in the wind. I imagine that from above it looks like rippling water, but laying in it they just looked like stalks of grass swaying in the wind. The sun beat down with force causing the air to blur slightly in places. I’m in a meadow. There aren’t any houses for miles; nobody would know I’m here. That’s why I am where I am. Despite the heat emanating from the glowing orb in the sky, I’m cold; so very cold. I want to move, but I can’t. My arms and legs are tingling slightly now and they feel stiff. My heartbeat isn’t audible anymore.

My blood pools around me now. It doesn’t hurt-the gash in my head. It’s almost like it’s not there. I can’t remember much though, just his face and how I got here. He had snuck into where I was sleeping, my room maybe, and set off the alarm. It was really loud, but he didn’t care. He had a bag, filled with our jewels I assumed, and he told me not to talk. He had me stand up and go downstairs. He stayed in my room.

“Sara! Go back to bed!” a man with a knife said. I think he was my dad. He looked around. How had the man gotten all our stuff before my dad came out?

“What’s wrong?” I had asked. He didn’t answer until he had looked in all the rooms. I stayed on the bottom step.

“Is someone in your room?” my dad whispered. My eyes widened. How had he known? I nodded my head up and down furiously. The man said if I told he would kill me. I didn’t think he really would. I’m only ten! My dad pushed past me and made me stay on the step. I was scared, but my dad could take him right?

“I told you not to tell him,” came his voice from behind me. His clammy hand slipped over my mouth. I don’t think he wanted to kill me, just get me for a ransom. But that isn’t what happened. I kicked him in the groin as hard as I could and he shoved me forward. I lost my footing and fell forward. My forehead hit the step and rebounded. My vision went black. It came back a few moments later. It was clearer than it had ever been. It wasn’t like I was in my body though, I felt like someone else. Someone older and wiser. I was dead. He took me to a meadow, where I am now. Nobody comes to look for me here, and I’m afraid that my soul won’t leave my body until someone finds me, and it better be soon.




It’s been days now, and I hear footsteps. They echo loud and clear. There must be a ton of people. Maybe a search party? Yes, they are talking about finding me.

“Sara.”

My name is said everywhere. Yelled, whispered, talked casually about. They want to find me alive.

“Sara.”

The voice of my dad.

Dad.

I try to call to him with my mind, I know I can’t talk but he was my dad, maybe I can call out to him.

“Sara!”

His footsteps stop.


“Sara.”

It’s just a whisper now. His steps are getting louder. He’s running.

I can see his face. It’s white. He hugs me. I’m caked in dirt and dry mud but he’s holding me tight and screaming other people’s names. My mom, I recognize her face, is in view now. She hugs me too. Everyone is crying.
Suddenly I’m watching from above. I see people walking through the tall grass, which does look like waves, towards my body. Everyone is either crying softly or just keeping their gaze down. My mom and dads cries are heard loudly though. I know I’m going to be in a better place though. I hate to leave, but I know I must. My mom stops. She looks at me, not my body but my spirit.

How does she know? I look down.

Oh.

My feet are dropping away. They form into lilacs, my favorite flower. The rest of my body is dropping away slowly. I sigh in relief and let the flowers fall.
Love is all you need (Babadada)
Hide yo wife! Hide yo children! Hide yo HUSBAND! They rapin EVERYBODY out there!




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Hey there GrenadeCatcher!

This is an interesting piece! The perspective here is unique--that of a ten year old girl, lying dead in spirit. You have a nice tendency to describe, and there are moments where your description is just right and the reader can truly feel what is happening. However, right now this story feels more like an idea and less like a fleshed out story. Why?

First is because of some general confusion about place and character!

In this piece, there are a few things that contribute to a general confusion about what is happening and who is speaking. First, is the confusion of pronouns. There are two men in this story--Sara's kidnapper and her father. However, there are moments when it is hard to distinguish whom the masculine pronoun is referring to. Example:

“Is someone in your room?” my dad whispered. My eyes widened. How had he known? I nodded my head up and down furiously. The man said if I told he would kill me. I didn’t think he really would. I’m only ten! My dad pushed past me and made me stay on the step. I was scared, but my dad could take him right?
“I told you not to tell him,” came his voice from behind me.


Last we knew the kidnapper was in Sara's room, so when there is a voice behind her, I immediately assumed it was her father chastising her for not keeping some secret. Also, how did the kidnapper get from the room to the stairs without Sara's father seeing him? This unseen detail makes me wonder--is she imagining the kidnapper? If she isn't, this needs to be smoothed out. If she is, then we need more clues that this is true.

Most importrantly, though, motivation and character development! I am told a lot about what Sara does and her narrative presence adds a little bit to her character, but I never really get a chance to get to know her! Why does she draw the conclusion that the man came for the jewels and stole them? Does she have some connection to the jewels? Why does she react the way she does? What is her relationship with her family? Why doesn't she think the man will kill her? Less telling and more showing us her actual reactions will help with this. The kidnapper--we don't need to understand all of his motivations, because the mystery makes him more intimidating, but we do need some development of him. Right now he's an antagonist in action but there's really nothing to set him apart--such is my perception of most the characters here.

Why do your character need to be developed so badly? Because, without that development, I, as a reader, don't know what is at stake. When you are dealing with conflict, especially violent conflict, the force of what is at stake for the characters is more powerful than the action itself. If I have no emotional bond with the characters, I won't be as deeply affected, and the prose and the story fall flat. However, once the characters are developed and the reader is invested, the conflict bites deep and the ascension-like feel of the end of this story will ring true instead of feeling flat.

So, as you approach this for revision, I would suggest taking some time to get to know your characters and letting them shine. Work with details, integrate their thoughts and body language. Make us see them, feel them, experience them. And then the conflict here will have the punch it needs to work.

I hope this helps! Thanks for the read and keep writing! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
~ WD
If you desire a review from WD, post here

"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas




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Allrighty, Spitfire here to review!

GrenadeCatcher wrote:“Sara! Go back to bed!” a man with a knife said. I think he was my dad. He looked around. How had the man gotten all our stuff before my dad came out?

I find it hard to believe that she could retell her story completely but not remember that the man who'd spoken to her was her father.

Writersdomain wrote:Last we knew the kidnapper was in Sara's room, so when there is a voice behind her, I immediately assumed it was her father chastising her for not keeping some secret. Also, how did the kidnapper get from the room to the stairs without Sara's father seeing him?

I'm of Writersdomain opinion on this one. I was totally confused in this part. In my mind, she was in the stairs and her father was going to her bedroom to stop the bad guy. Then the next thing we know, bad guy gets his hand on her and I've got no idea where the dad went! Again, confusing.

GrenadeCatcher wrote:I don’t think he wanted to kill me, just get me for a ransom.

I don't see how a ten year old would be able to know the difference, especially during the "attack".

GrenadeCatcher wrote:I know I’m going to be in a better place though. I hate to leave, but I know I must.

How does she know this? Is someone telling her? Did she see someone do it?
You've been doing a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. That's definitely a big part I would change, in my opinion.

Hope I've helped,
Spitfire out.
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Hey GrenadeCatcher! Cool story. I thought it was interesting. There are a few things that I noticed while I was reading it, however.

It was really loud, but he didn’t care.


This whole sentence bothers me. The "really" seems out of place here. It doesn't fit with the elegant style you have up until this point. I would take the word out, or replace it with something else. And how does she know that he doesn't care? This would be a place where it would be better to show, not tell.
It came back a few moments later. It was clearer than it had ever been.


I don't like the repetition of the word "it" at the beginning of the sentences. You could combine the two sentences. "It came back a few moments later, clearer than it had ever been" would flow better.

I try to call to him with my mind, I know I can’t talk but he was my dad, maybe I can call out to him.


This is one big run on sentence. Sentences with different length are a good part of writing, but this is just awkward and unnecessary. It should be 3 sentences, not 2.

I don't really feel any sympathy for your main character. She doesn't seem real to me, and I find it hard to emphasize with her. Also, I'm confused about why her killer would bother to take her body and dump it after he killed her. Why wouldn't he just run out of the house? I find it hard to believe that he would pick up her dead body and escape with it, while her dad is in the next room. I think it would be more believable if he actually kidnapped her and then accidentally killed her. Just a thought.

I think the other reviewers covered most of the other major issues. Like I said, I thought that this was really interesting. The unusual viewpoint was refreshing. With a little clarification, the story would make a really entertaining read. Hope this helped! :)

Magnus
“Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.” Anton Chekhov




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"The long grass around me waves slightly in the wind. I imagine that from above it looks like rippling water, but laying in it they just looked like stalks of grass swaying in the wind. The sun beat down with force causing the air to blur slightly in places."
I think this first paragraph could use a little tightening up. Maybe a few sentences could be blended together more. Like, the first sentence already describes the swaying stalks of grass, so maybe just say that... "The long grass around me sways slightly in the wind. I imagine it must look like rippling water from above." The next sentence sounds a bit odd to me, particularly the phrase 'with force'. It's a little wordy, so try and make it a bit smoother.

"I’m in a meadow. There aren’t any houses for miles; nobody would know I’m here. That’s why I am where I am." Again, I think these sentences could be blended together. "Nobody knows I'm in this meadow; there aren't any houses for miles. That's why I came here." Etc. Something like that. ;)

After reading on a bit further, I see that she's not here of her own free will. Maybe allude to this a bit earler. "Nobody knows I'm here, etc... That's why he brought me here." Just to give us a hint of the conflict you're going to show us in the next few paragraphs.

"talked casually about." This is a search party. She's been missing for days. I don't think they're going to be very 'casual' about it. Maybe they're talking emotionally about things they remember of her, or something, but I don't think they'd be casual.

Very interesting idea, that her spirit isn't free until her body is discovered. I also liked the feel of the events leading up to her murder. Very dreamlike/dulled by adrenalin and shock. Nice job there.

"My feet are dropping away. They form into lilacs, my favorite flower. The rest of my body is dropping away slowly. I sigh in relief and let the flowers fall." I kind of understand what's happening here, but not entirely. Are her spirit-feet really turning into lilacs that look like they're floating in mid-air to everyone else? Is her body dropping away, or fading away, or rising up? Is all of her body slowly turning into lilacs, or just her feet? I like the last line, but maybe give us a little more clarity on exactly what's happening.

Really nice job with this. ^^ I know this work is a little old, but I wanted to return the review, so... ;) Yeah. Nice job. :)
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