Tom's Directions

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The door bell ringed and the hinge squeaked as the door opened. Tom Sheridan, a man in his mid fifties with fluffy curly hair, (like lambs wool some said) and a well tanned face, looked up from his crossword puzzle. His amazing hazelnut brown eyes, that twinkled watchfully in the musty smelling air of the general store. Surveyed the two people that now walked toward him. He lay down his pencil upon the counter and smiled up at his two customers, showing his front gold tooth.

"And what can i do for you, on this fine sunny day?" He laughed heartily at his own joke. It was in fact a miserably cloudy and wet day.

The couple smiled politely at Tom's attempted humor.

Their was an awkward pause, Tom shifted his gaze to the window. As if he had seen something of great importance. The Queen perhaps.

He noted that the vehicle they had arrived in was towing a white caravan with a blue strip across the middle. Tourists, Tom thought.

Tentatively a voice spoke, "Um, sir."

Tom turned his gaze back to the couple, nodded his head and urged for them to continue. It had began to rain outside.

"Well, you've probably guessed by now that we are not from around here." The woman said shyly. She had fiery red hair and a startlingly cute face, she was also wearing an exceedingly tight green sweater.

"Well, what could have given it away? The caravan your towing with out of state number plates, or the map your companion is carrying? He his your partner, right?" Tom inquired, once again smiling at his own witty remarks.

"Yes, sir. This is my boyfriend Tim." The pretty redhead said with a smile, placing her hand around the waist of Tim.

Tom watched this with a poker face.

Suddenly, his face brightened alarmingly quickly and he clapped his hands together and said, "Well what a coincidence, his Tim and I'm Tom, Tom Sheridan at your service." He stuck out his rather plump hand over the counter, Tim grasped it and a gave it one strong shake. Tom's hand was astonishingly cold.

"Pleasure is all mine," Tim said politely and dropping Tom's hand. He had a slender nose and straight blond hair and dull blue eyes, a sprinkling of acne scars dotted his cheeks like mini moon craters.

"Sure." Tom said bluntly.

"Now, what would your name be my lass? And we can get the formalities out of the way, and get down to what i can do for you both." Tom said sweetly, shifting his position on the stool.

"Yes, indeed. My names Amy, and me and Tim were just passing through Town, and we are looking for a nice spot to camp for the night." She said, and when she was finished, she looked lovingly up at Tim, she was holding his hand now. It made Tom remember when he was younger. With the love his life, Wilmer was her name.

"Tom, are you alright?" Amy inquired.

Tears had welled up in the brown eyes of Tom. He uttered a single quite sob, thunder answered this solitary cry of anguish. Tom lowered his head and covered his eyes with his hands.

Tim looked out the window, clearly showing no emotion at the aging man's sudden outburst of tears. He looked down at Amy. Amy met his gaze, her gaze said, c'mon we can't just leave.

Tim rolled his eyes, "Okay." He muttered, he nervously licked his lip. This man is weird, Tim thought, but didn't say.

Amy walked around the counter and went to put a arm around Tom's sobbing figure.

As if he had sensed her approach, Tom lifted his head and turned his face to Amy. He smiled once again, Amy stopped abruptly as if there was an invisible force field keeping her from Tom. That smile, it's unnerving, Amy thought suddenly.

Violently his face changed his lips flared up in a grimace, like he had just drank lemon juice. Then Tom started to cough and wheeze. He began to beat his sternum with a closed fist. His mouth was like a sprinkler as spittle was ejected onto the floor in small spurts.

"Tim, help!" Amy screamed.

Immediately, Tim rushed across the counter, agile as only the young can be. His eyes were also sharp, behind the counter, he noticed in the corner of the small space, a box with seemingly old newspapers, the top one had the blaring headline, “Yet Another Young Couple Murdered!”

His eyes were torn away from the screaming damning bold black letters by the stillness of the store. Tom had recovered and was now being soothed by Amy.

Calm had settled over the store once again, the near rumblings of a tractor could be heard in a nearby field.

Tom looked at the couple's pale sheepish faces and said,


"Don't mind me, just an old man thinking old thoughts." Tom sighed, and fetched a bright red handkerchief from his slacks. He blew his nose and wiped the already trying tears from his cheeks.

"That's quite all right, Tom. I Suppose you don't get many young couple asking for directions very often?" Amy said this and felt a wave of relief wash over her mind, it had looked for a moment that Tom was going to have a heart attack.

Then Tom said something that chilled Tim's soul.

In a croaky voice, "More than you think my dear, more than you think." He said it offhandedly and with a chuckle, but there was doubting it had a darker meaner. Amy didn't seem to notice or care.


"Now, about the nice camping spot, i have just the spot." Tom said merrily, regaining his heartiness eerily quick. The glee full golden tooth smile back on his face in a flash.



Norman Miffsudd was smitten when he came to face to face with the redhead as he opened the door to Tom's store.

"Afternoon." Norman said bashfully, his thick black beard blew erratically in the strong wind. Norm held the door open for her and watched her walk to the car and caravan. Lost in thought, he nearly collided with a tall blond young man. Thankfully he didn't, he would've knocked this blond bean stalk off his feet, with his immense Santa clause belly.

"Sorry, pardon me." Norm said taking his scraggy green beanie off.

The boy eyed him wearily and followed the red head to the car.

With a sigh he re opened the door and walked into the store.

Tom was standing at the window by the counter looking out at the vacating couple, a look of mixed glee and sadness. Quite peculiar.

"Hey Tom, whose the nice gal with the perky titties?" Norm said jovially.

“Shut, up Norm, can’t you have some respect?” Tom spat turning to eye him with fierce contempt.

Norm looked shocked, his jaw gaped open like a stunned mullet.

“Well, sorry Tom.” Norm said truthfully. He hadn’t been talked to in such a manner since 5th grade.

He hitched his belt up with a grunt and waddled over to the newspaper stand.

He picked the Local Newspaper and helped himself to a pack of crisps.

“Any news worth reading?” Norm said, placing the paper and crisps on the counter.

“Not yet.” Tom whispered barely audible as the couples car roared into life as well as the rain upon the tin roof, it was like pistol fire.



When Norm left the store, Tom watched him go from the window a look of gratitude on his features. The rain was quite heavy now.

Tom closed early that day. No one seemed to notice.



As Tim drove down the Highway, he thought to inform Amy about the peculiar front headline he has seen behind Tom’s counter. Even opened his mouth to speak when Amy interrupted him,

“You know that man must have really missed his wife?”

“Yeah I suppose.” Tim replied, flicking his high beams on and the window wipers full bore.

Amy continued, “He seemed such a sad man, almost disconnected at times, lost in his own thoughts , my guess would be.” Amy was looking out the window at the lush green forests and waiting for the sign that would lead them to their camping spot Tom had showed them.

“What was that road Tom told us to go down?” Amy inquired looking back at Tim.

Tim searched his memory, “Timberwood Creek Road I think.”

“Not long now then, you must be excited.” Amy said giving Tim a sexy, seductive glance.

Tim smiled, and the thought about the news head line was understandably far from his mind.


The caravan bounced violently and nearly jack knifed as it went over several huge pot holes.

They had turned off the main highway nearly ten minutes ago.

“This is a bloody logging truck track!” Tim roared, battling to keep the car on the muddy narrow road.

“Oh, Tim watch out!” Amy screamed and pointed to the immense body of water in the middle of the road.

Too late, through gritted teeth Tim tried to brake, but the car and caravan went sliding into the water.

“Fuck.” Tim whispered, looking up to the roof of the car.

He gunned the throttle in anger more than anything, this baby wasn’t going anywhere.

The rain made heavy plopping sounds on the roof of the car.

“Well nice one,” Amy said sarcastically. She flipped her Motorola up.

“No service. Can this get any better?” Amy said bitterly.


“We should have never listened to that creep of a man!” Tim said angrily, hitting the steering wheel with his fist.

“C’mon it’s not all bad, some guy will be along and he’ll give us a tow. But in the mean time lets go in the caravan?” Amy suggested., she flicked her hair flirtatiously at Tim.

No, not bad at all. Tim thought . He killed the engine.

“Follow me my first mate, we will battle the high seas or well a small mud patch to safety.” Tim said in a booming voice.

“It would be my pleasure captain,” Amy added.


It was soon dark, and the rain was ever relentless. The young couple lay panting on the bed in the caravan. Tim’s blonde hair was matted with heavy sweat like he had put a tub of wax onto it.

“Well what now?” Amy said half heartedly.

“Do we have any food?” Tim asked.

Amy sat up, flicking her red hair out of her eyes, “Well all the food is in the car.”

“So that’s where I’ll go.” And Tim jumped out of bed and swiftly pulled on some pants and a parker.

“No c’mon Tim, stay here, you’ll fall and hurt yourself.” She could see it on Tim’s face that he wasn’t to be dissuaded, and gave up.

“Fine,” she said. And lay down.

Tim opened the door and wind ripped through the caravan in a whirlwind.

“Shut the goddamn door!” Amy yelled happily.

The door slammed. Everything was quite, but the rain was constant.

Something caught Amy’s attention, bright lights were piercing the darkness, definitely a vehicle of some sort. The vehicle neared the hill she had time to see that the vehicle had four lights to mounted on the back, when it lights eerily cut out, their was no sound of an engine either.

I cold knife of fear slid itself into Amy’s heart. Her heart was pumping rapidly in her chest.

He would have saw Tim, Amy thought.

She couldn’t speak, her mouth was as dry as sandpaper. Her ears were pricked up listening for movement. A car door was flung open and quietly shut, water ran down the sides of the caravans window, make it blurry and un -viewable from the outside. Few minutes passed.

Here in the caravan she thought she heard a cry of pain or was it just a tree branch, Amy thought. She was biting her lip so had she had drawn blood. She didn’t seem to notice the coppery taste on her tongue.

She had tried to think when Tim had left the caravan. Too long, she thought miserably.

Her eyes bulged and she went pale as cottage cheese when, their was sudden metallic banging coming from the other side of the caravan.

“Go away!” she yelled in fear. Tears began to seep from her eye lids.

The banging stopped abruptly. Once again heavy rain was the only sound.

A high pitched screech erupted , it was like the sound of nails against chalk. Or perhaps in this case a sharp object against the caravans surface. The sound slowly trailed around to the door. It stopped. Thunder boomed over head, this made Amy jolt forward.

She was taking quick half gulps of air, like a fish out of water.

She stared wide eyed at the door, from the bed where she was sitting naked, it seemed so close. There were three light knocks upon the door.

“Wh-oo is it?” Amy stuttered. The big bad wolf, a voice whispered in her mind. She shivered.

“Is that you Tim?”

No answer. Once again there were knocks on the door, five this time.

More minutes passed, and then the door latch began to slowly open.

Amy held her breath and watched in growing dread as the door slowly swung open.

No one was there, just the darkness and the rain. Yes, always the rain.

Amy relaxed a little and let the blanket she was clutching fall to her lap, revealing her breasts. A single thunder clap, (the first of the night) erupted. It illuminated the nights sky.

Something twinkled brightly, like a golden glowing ember. It too was soon gone, as the lighting dissipated.

“Hello deary. Need some help I see.” A oh so familiar voice said from the darkness.

A dark muddy boot placed itself on the step to the caravan.

“And, I am too willing to oblige.”

“You.” Amy whispered.

“Yes, me.” He smiled gleefully.

A blade twinkled like a diamond as another flash of lighting burst into the sky.


THE END
"There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering." Cato




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Hey Tom >.> Interesting story - pretty weird.

So, characters:
In the beginning you tell too many basics about Tom's appearance. What you need is something that stands out. Hazlenut eyes and a gold tooth are pretty boring. Instead, mention if he has an enigmatic appearance, or a happy, welcoming one. Does he stand like he has a broomstick tied to his back, or hunched over in an almost deformed way. Is he a tall thin man who stands in the middle of the counter or a chubby little man who hides in the corner?

The Joke:
Don't tell the punch line before the joke, even in a story. You should mention the weather before he makes the joke. You could even better introduce Tom by mentioning the weather and how this old man reacts to the cold, if at all.

You've probably guessed...
This conversation when the couple first arrives is strange. Usually people say 'Hi, we were just looking for directions,' there isn't really much of a reason for Amy to assume this man has noticed, or even cares enough to figure out, that they're not locals. You could introduce the couple better by including some of their conversation as they walk in. They could be arguing about who's fault it is that they're lost, or so lovey-dovey that they're talking about the rain as a sign of good fortune.

Crying?
Tom isn't really a strong enough character to be able to pull off randomly crying. It's strange, and makes him quite unbelievable. In horror stories you've got to make your psychopath as real as possible, otherwise with a predictable plot and a young couple that your reader doesn't really care about, the story falls apart.

Overall:
The thing with short stories is that you don't have much time to execute them, so you need to keep things simple. Easy but vivid characters are better than in depth characters that your reader will never believe or care about. If someone would take twenty minutes to read this story, you can't try to overcomplicate things or pull off huge literary stunts.

Hope this helps!
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I agree with much of what Tenyo said, but I'll add a few things.

First, go through and do some basic editing. Change "the waist of Tim" to Tim's waist and again in a few other places.

Also, i think beginning the story with the couple, rather than with Tom, would be more effective. When they meet Tom, it would be a good chance to SHOW us some of the things that are wierd about him from the couple's perspective.

It is predictable, but predictable horror/suspense CAN work, as long as there is tension building throughout, and we are truly scared by the end. Either make us worried about Tom from the very beginning, or surprise us when he turns out to be crazy. When we are introduced to him as the main character at the beginning, we need to know he is evil/crazy and feel worried for the couple as soon as they encounter him. OR, we need to have the couple's perspective of being in a strange place, meeting a man who seems friendly enough at first, but slowly realizing he is not right.

Lastly, there are a few logical things that need to be worked out. The fact that the couple is on vacation and are looking for a good spot to camp? Normally this is something that would be planned out before-hand. People rarely go on vacation without knowing where they are going. If they really didn't have a destination in mind, explain why. Next, there is the issue of Tom missing his wife, but this is never explored. If the grief of losing his wife is what made him crazy, SHOW that to us, maybe with a flashback, etc.

That's good for now. Good idea, and you captured my attention enough at the beginning that I read it through to the end, which is good. This could be a really nice piece if you make some improvements. I liked the texture of it, but the execution needs a bit of work.
"A story is a way to say something that can't be said any other way"
-Flannery O'Connor



When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind