The Road to Durelia Ch 1

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Ah, so here's another piece that just came to me and I had to write down. I've been kind of lazy in regards to working on my other stuff, so blame my writing ADD. This is just another product of that. I did do a little intro to this first "chapter" but I didn't know if I should post it on here because I realize some of y'all don't like me to mix the first person intro with the third person story. SO, it's in a spoiler. Read it if you want. It's completely up to you. Thanks!

Spoiler
Light and dark, good and evil, those terms define two extremes that determine a person’s identity. In a perfect world, the light would prevail. In a perfect world, evil wouldn’t exist.

In my world, your alignment is not something you can choose. When a child is born he or she is automatically either light—good—or dark—evil. There is no in between. At least, there isn’t supposed to be.

I didn’t say my world was perfect.

The Leaders of the two Clans, Aurelians and Dorchans (light and dark respectively), emphatically deny that anyone can be born differently and even more emphatically enforce the inter-determining law that an individual that is Aurelian cannot marry and produce offspring with a Dorchan.

Anyone caught trying to flout that law is sentenced to death and the offspring, if produced, is never seen again. Some of the bravest souls claim that the products of the unions of Aurelians and Dorchans are monstrous creatures. Some of the wisest say that the mixture is impossible. Some of the stupidest say nothing.

Me? I’m very, very stupid. I would never talk about the Durelians or even mention their existence in a secret prison deep in the heart of the Aorchan Mountain range. Or tell complete strangers that I had seen a Durelian and they weren’t monsters, but were actually far superior to plain Aurelians and Dorchans. Or that they are more stable.

No. I wouldn’t dare whisper those things. That wouldn’t be safe
.




Chapter 1: Trina


The sky was dark with rain that night. Thunder could be heard in the distance along with the faint flash of lightning somewhere in the looming mountains. It wasn’t yet windy enough to signal the arrival of the rainy season, but the inhabitants of the small castle could feel the change coming and were hurrying to prepare for the torrential downpour that would arrive soon and not stop until late spring. By that time, the farmers, servants, stable hands, and masters of the castle would be sick of water and dark skies.

In the top room of the only tower, looking out to the west and the faraway plains where the rainy season lasted only so long as a summer storm, was the only daughter of Duke Heruil Terun and his wife the Duchess Bryr formally of Veritia, a province outside of the Aurelian capital. Bryrtrina Heruilia Terun, called Trina, watched the gathering storm clouds and slowly tapped her fingers along the mortar crevice of her window. She couldn’t feel the shifting winds spiraling outside of her tower through the thick glass panes, but her imagination was enough.

In her mind, she pictured herself as light as a cloud and floating far away across the mountains. She didn’t know what lay outside of Aurelia except that it was there that the Dorchans had control and that nothing good happened out there. But she was so bored that even the unknown dangers outside of her homeland would have been welcome respite.

“So, it’s come down to this,” she remarked to no one in particular. Earlier she had dismissed her maid for the evening. “I’m all alone in my room and I’m watching the seasons change. If Greti could see me now she’d have a cow. Great, I’m rhyming.” Trina sighed and set her forehead on the glass as fat raindrops began to wind their way down the surface making her reflection ripple.

Greti was the youngest daughter of Duke Revery and lived in the next duchy within riding distance. She was the closest thing to a best-friend that Trina had. She was also an Aurelian and her family was in good standing with the capital, as were the Teruns. Trina wished that she could return to boarding school (which she called boring school), if only to escape from the clutches of her well-meaning yet annoying parents. Since she was technically of age at seventeen, the Duke of Terun was determined to find his only daughter a suitable husband.

With her looks—matching brown eyes and brown hair—she was easily attractive. Her features were even and she had good teeth. Trina’s only physical quirk was a slight dimple in one cheek that tended to show up when she was feeling especially ill-mannered or devious.

Whenever she acted out, or “acted Durelian” as her father once famously put it, the dimple would appear and anyone in eyeshot knew to disappear. Her antics immediately swept herself and her unwilling conspirators into some kind of trouble. In fact, the only reason she was in her room at that moment instead of prowling the castle was because of her latest misbehavior at school.

Trina laughed aloud as she remembered the look of horror on her Headmistress’s face once she had seen the statue of the first Leader covered in chicken feathers and a top hat. It hadn’t taken Madame Heedman very long to find out the culprit, and while she couldn’t expel Trina because of her bloodline, she could send her home to “rest.”

So there she was, at home during the rainy season when all of her friends were at school, and she was consigned to solitude and a tutor.

A knock on her chamber door jerked Trina out of her humbug thoughts and she scowled at the dark wooden door as if it had caused her to be in that situation.

“Who is it?” she asked after a moment of mental cursing. Most Aurelian girls did not put up as much of a fuss as Trina and she often wondered why they were so...faint. She bustled through the halls and threw open doors, but her age-mates glided from place to place and waited for a servant or a man to open the door for them.

The voice of her long-time maid, Ceri, replied timidly, “It’s me, Milady. I’ve come to tell you that your tutor has arrived.”

The door crept open and Ceri’s kindly face peeked around the edge ready to draw back if any projectiles were thrown her direction.

Trina grunted a noncommittal acknowledgement. “Is he ugly?” she asked.

“Oh, I couldn’t say, Milady, not having seen him myself and he being a lord and all, but—“

“But what?” Trina asked curiously as she drew away from the window and sat on a divan next to her bed. Her wide brown eyes fastened themselves on her maid and oft-times friend.

Ceri giggled and opened the door wider in order to walk into the room. She immediately began to straighten the furniture, pick up clothes and sort them, and to tidy Trina’s unmade king size bed.

“I heard the serving girls talking about how he’s quite the charmer. I think your father might have…ideas about him, if you get my meaning.”

Trina frowned. She knew exactly what Ceri had meant and didn’t like the idea. “Yes, I’m sure my father has lots of ideas about many things he knows nothing about. We’ll just have to see about this charmer.”

Ceri shook her head as she glanced at Trina’s intent face. On her right cheek, a perfect dimple had formed. It was the exact shape and size of a rain drop, and most certainly spelled something along the lines of an impending storm.
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Ah, Bailey, my friend,

Your writing skills never cease to amaze me. And make me quite jealous.

I love this. I love Trina and I adored your prologue. I think if anyone else had tried pulling this off, it might have seemed too telly. But not you. You've managed to describe the setting so vividly, I could see her sitting there beside the window.

I'm quite interested in reading more of this. Let me know when you post more, okay?

Sorry this wasn't much help but...You're an awesome writer.

Tanya




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This isn't a review yet, but I just want to say I really like this!
The Bard Chronicles: http://youngwriterssociety.com/novel.php?id=1134

Master of Words: novel.php?id=1039

If you review those two, send me a PM containing a link to something you'd like reviewed.




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Hey Bailey!

I've been wanting to review and Tanya told me about your story, so here I am!

baywolf25 wrote:Light and dark, good and evil, those terms define two extremes that determine a person’s identity. In a perfect world, the light would prevail. In a perfect world, evil wouldn’t exist.

In my world, your alignment is not something you can choose. When a child is born he or she is automatically either light—good—or dark—evil. There is no in between. At least, there isn’t supposed to be.

I didn’t say my world was perfect.

The Leaders of the two Clans, Aurelians and Dorchans (light and dark respectively), emphatically deny that anyone can be born differently and even more emphatically enforce the inter-determining law that an individual that is Aurelian cannot marry and produce offspring with a Dorchan.

Anyone caught trying to flout that law is sentenced to death and the offspring, if produced, is never seen again. Some of the bravest souls claim that the products of the unions of Aurelians and Dorchans are monstrous creatures. Some of the wisest say that the mixture is impossible. Some of the stupidest say nothing.

Me? I’m very, very stupid. I would never talk about the Durelians or even mention their existence in a secret prison deep in the heart of the Aorchan Mountain range. Or tell complete strangers that I had seen a Durelian and they weren’t monsters, but were actually far superior to plain Aurelians and Dorchans. Or that they are more stable.

No. I wouldn’t dare whisper those things. That wouldn’t be safe.

LOVE this part. I don't think you should make a prologue out of it, but simply insert it in the beginning of your story and then separate it from the rest by some spaces or ****, anything of the sort.

Oh shit! I don't have time to finish this, but I'll be back in a few ;)
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I'm back 8)

Usually this is the part where I do a thorough nit-picking. Well I find myself in no need for such a thing. I didn't see any mistakes, so goodoes to you ;)

I really liked this chapter! *likes* I loved your story telling, aka, your style of writing. I could vividly imagine everything, from her perfect dimple to the crappy weather. Well done!

And I actually have nothing else to say now... Feel free to PM me for the next chapter, I'll be happy to review :D
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topic75101.html

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Hey Bailey, and happy review day! I can't believe that I still haven't reviewed this yet, I saw it on my feed right away when you posted it and then put it on my reading list since I didn't have time right then to drop off a review. But now I'm finally here, trying to get through all the pieces I've put on the list, slowly trying to beat down the subtle beast called procrastination... :D

But enough of that, let's get on with it, shall we? Here we go!

Description and Writing Style

As always, I am amazed by how well you write, and how well you paint the pictures in my mind as I read your pieces. Your wording is always interesting, never boring at all, and I just love how you describe the scenery and your character's surroundings.

As for your writing style, it too is quite interesting and unique. However, you may want to try going over this again to make sure that your sentences make sense and are not run-ons. I've noticed throughout this piece that you have quite a few sentences that go on for longer than they should, and some are even a bit awkward. Just try to watch out for those when revising, maybe even read it aloud to see if everything sounds okay.

Characters and Dialogue

So far, we have gotten quite a bit of insight into the character of Trina, though more from description of her thoughts rather than her actions. Maybe try to add a bit more character development in the by how she acts, treats everyone around her, and reacts to the events/things in her life. Show us her personality, don't just tell us!

Your dialogue is quite good also, though sometimes it can come off as a bit robotic and not really giving your characters their own personal voices. For example, let's take a look at the first piece of dialogue that you added in here.

“So, it’s come down to this,” she remarked to no one in particular. Earlier she had dismissed her maid for the evening. “I’m all alone in my room and I’m watching the seasons change. If Greti could see me now she’d have a cow. Great, I’m rhyming.”


While this is quite an interesting look at her personality since you've added the detail that she's prone to talking to herself, this is a bit awkward nevertheless. Make sure when you write your dialogue that it comes off as natural and give your characters a voice! Everyone has a different way of phrasing things, so as a writer you need to take that into account. Listen to conversations around you, as well as maybe getting a friend to help read the dialogue out loud and revise it so that it sounds natural.

Plot and Pace

Not much I can say here as of yet, except for keep going the way you are, and good job so far! Your pace is great, and you left off at a place where you leave your reader wanting more. Good job!

Overall

Since there's not much I can really nit-pick at, I'll just skip over that in this review and go for the overall. I really enjoyed reading this, as with all your pieces, and it was overall very well written and interesting. As I said above, it left me wanting more, and that's one thing that all writers should be striving for!

So I'd just like to say good job, and I hope you'll continue this! I'll most definitely be keeping an eye out for your next chapters! :)
~ Patricia Tina :smt006

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Spoiler
I lost the game.

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you story grabbed my attention as it vividly set me in your setting. I loved your description and find myself wanting a
chapter two! Please continue writing this or i shall grow a dimple as well..muaha...
any who this was very well done.
~Skittles
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