'Ere ain't that them Carnary Girls

"Jan! Jan!" Vic came sprinting down the street where Jan was setting up a small stall for the day.
"Vic, what's matter wi' you know?"
"List's are up town 'all" Jan came over white as if she had seen a ghost. She pushed her wiry brown hair behind her ear and slowly turned to face Jan.
"And?" Dread coming through with her voice.
"Your Henry's fine! Only two dead." Jan sighed heavily with relief. Her knees wavered as she wasn't one of those unlucky ones, not this time
"Oh thank Mary. Your Tom?"
"Aye 'e be fine. Carol off Kings street lost the two. Husband and son."
"Really?"
"Swear by it" Vic moved her hands to symbol a cross over her body.
"What a shame. Her James only just turned eightenn and all."
"I know. Thing is Jan, they need more money into war effort like-" She paused hesitantly.
"I bet the do an all. Have you seen how much Sarah charges for 'er plums now."
"Well your the most skilled in the village, at soeing and stuff. And we were wonderin' if you could make some dresses."
"For who?"
"Us Canary Girls."
"What for?"
"Well we're gonna put on a concert like for the war effort."
"I say Vic, that ain't a half bad idea."
"So you'll do it."
"Perhaps, what's in it for me?"
"Free ticket and full credit, for buisness like." Jan pondered for a moment.
"Ah go on, but only if you can answer my question."
"Really Jan?"
"You know i'll only do it for a question. All i've got is this thread and fabric stall so if you want dresses, you gonna earn 'em."
"Go on then."
"Right, who said this: Your battle wounds are scars upon my heart."
"Ooh it was that poet woman."
"Name?"
"S'on tip of my tounge."
"Name?" Vic clicked three times, her faces screwed up tight.
"Vera Britton." Jan smiled.
"Pop round later and give us your measurements."
"Thanks Jan."
"No Problem." Vic sprinted off up the street to go and tell the girls the news.

Vic ran into the mills. Dirt covered the floor and masses of women were manual working over machines. A sight which most would have been taking at awe at, but they had been wanting this for years.
"Wendy! Where's boss?"
"On his break!" They were yelling over the thunder of the machines.
"She'll do 'em!"
"That's good. You got all our measurements?"
"Yes. Giving 'er them later."
"Good lass. When we doing it?"
"Friday." Wendy stopped working and looked up. Her femenine clothes in contrast to the harsh appearence to the machines.
"But today's tuesday."
"I know."
"Leaving it a bit late aren't you?"
Yes, but she'll 'ave 'em done by then."
"I hope so." A thin girl of about eight yanked on Vic's dress. She looked down to see a girl with mucky blonde pigtails and white dress; it was Carol's daughter.
"Jane? What are you doing 'ere?"
"Mummy's stopped moving." The world around Vic seemed to slow down. The machines fell into the distance. A lump grew in her throat. She knew exactly what Carol had done. She squatted down to the little girls level. She grabbed the little girls hand and dragged her out into the street. She squateed down to the little girls level.
"What happened Jane?"
"She said she didn't feel well so she went to get some medicine. When she came back she sat down and she hasn't moved since." Vic couldn't understand why she wasn't crying. She was shocked and couldn't say anything.
"Will you be my Mummy?" Vic looked at the little girl in shock.
"What did you say?"
"I know Mummy's dead and I know Daddy and brother aren't coming back. Please Vic" Vic didn't know what to say. It was true she had never planned on having children or getting married. The thought of babies freaked her out, but there was something about the little girl that intrigued her. She didn't say anything for a long time until Jane started to sing.
"Goodbyee. Goodbyee wipe that dear, baby dear from your eye," she hummed the next line not being able to recolect the words, "I'll be tickled to death to go." Vic smiled at the girl. She was a little war girl. She picked her up and held her close to her chest.
"You sure you want me to be your Mummy?"
"Yes."
"Positive?"
"Yes."
"Okay. I'll do it." Vic became chocked up and began to cry. Her tears streamed down her face as she held the young girl close.
"Don't cry Mummy."
"S'okay hun. Good tears." She slowly rocked the girl in the street holding her close.
"I love you Mummy." This made Vic cry more, she was a Mummy after all this time and in this time.
"Come on then, let's get this done proper." She held Jane tight and made off for the city hall where she'd make it offical.

"Hey Jan."
"Hey Vic, done much today?"
"Wait Jan, I'd like you to meet someone. This is my daughter, Jane. Jane Krier." She led Jane into the room. She was smiling.
"Vic, have you lost your mind. That's Claire's kid, not your's!" She yelled.
"Mrs. Hill. Old Mummy has gone, this is new Mummy."
"What Jane?"
"She killed herself Jan. Overdose. City hall went round and checked. It's official, she ain't Jane Forhouse anymore. She's Jane Krier."
"Oh well then." She turned back to the soeing machine. Jan had detachted herself from it all; she was numb. She didn't want to know death and when she had to, it didn't affect her.
"I've done yours Vic, have you got the other three-"
"Four." She cut her off.
"Four?"
"Jane's coming on stage wi' us."
"Ah, 'nother question then. Jane, you ready?"
"Yep." She bounced a little excitably.
"Who is Haig?" Jane pondered for a while.
"An Idiot?" They both laughed hysterically, whilst Jane looked serious.
"Jan, I'll make all the dresses you want if she keep bringing answers like that."
"Thanks Vic." Vic picked up her daughter and sat opposite Jan in the small kitchen full with rationed items and battered kitchenware.

"Ladies and girls! I give you, The Canary Girls." The four girls walked onto the stage in stunning yellow dresses. There skin was tinted slightly due to the work with explosives, except Jane, who looked like a beautful doll.
"Hush, here comes a whizzbang,
Hush, here comes a whizzbang,
Now, you soldier men, get down those stairs,
Down in your dugouts and say your prayers.
Hush, here comes a whizzbang,
And it's making straight for you,
And you'll see all the wonders of no-man's-land,
If a whizzbang hits you." They all sung together amazingly. The night went on with more and more war songs. They sung Oh it's a lovely war. Kaiser Bill, Goodby-ee and more. People in the audience swelled with patriotism as the girls did their bit for the war effort.

The night drew to a close. The girls became very tired. Vic was stood holding Jane on stage taking their final bow.
"Ladies and girls! That was an amazing performane! Give it up for The Canary Girls."
The next day dawn rose slowly. Casting foreshadowing rays over the city. The church bells struck ten. The The latest figures were released. Vic walked numbly through the street as two cheerful girls giggled walking beside them. They had obviously not seen the figures and names. Near enough everyone was dead, her Tom included. Henry was down as missing in action, but Jan new what had happened. The apocathery was closed in case there was anymore incidents like Carol's.
"I know where 'ave seen 'er. Oh Mrs. you're a Canary Girl ain't ya." Vic didn't reply. She didn't care.
"Let's go home Mummy." Jane said. Vic turned her head slowly. She looked deep into the girls brown eyes and smiled.
"Yes, let's go home love."
"I love you Mummy."
"Love you too Jane." Vic wandered aimlessly now. With the new determination to save the one thing the war wouldn't take from her; Jane. She took Jane's hand and walked slowly to their hallow home, where she would just care for Jane off the state, and no longer be a Canary girl.

Hi there. I'm Jade, nice to meet you.

First of all, I do really like your story. I think your writing style is fresh and unique, and while some might not care for the stacks of pure dialogue, I didn't mind it. With that in mind, your dialouge was very natural and it sounded like people would actually talk. I'm guessing that this takes place during WWII, and I don't personally know how they would talk, but it seemed natural enough to me.

However, I have some complaints.
1. Your spelling. Did you run this through a spell checker before posting? Because there's a lot of spelling mistakes throughout, I mean 'eightenn' is 'eighteen' and 'soeing' is 'sewing.' Stuff like that, I'd just read through it again because it looks sloppy with little mistakes that can easily be fixed.

2. The writing besides the dialouge. Now I'm not trying to criticise your style, I'f you like short, simple sentences then that's great. But I found a lot of the stuff in here that wasn't dialouge to read kind of stiff, kind of awkward, having none of the naturalness that was present in the conversations.

3. Description. You don't seem to have much. I'm not telling you to go overboard with the adjectives, but a few carefully placed descriptive passages can do wonders for the final project.

4. The ending. Pretty weak. I'd suggest moving some things around, trying to use stronger words, something that doesn't sound quite so... cheesy for lack of a better word.

5. Miscellaneous. In the very beginning you say

Jan came over white as if she had seen a ghost. She pushed her wiry brown hair behind her ear and slowly turned to face Jan.

I assume you mean 'Vic' instead of Jan, but this coupled with the first line being

"Jan! Jan!"

, I thought there were two Jans.
It might be super nitpicky, but Jane didn't cry AT ALL when her entire family died? I know she's a strong war child, but she's still an eight year old girl, and eight year old girls tend to be emotional like that.

I really hope this helps. Happy writing!

Hi there!

First off, I really liked the dialogue. It was very realistic. Just a few things:

Jan came over white as if she had seen a ghost. She pushed her wiry brown hair behind her ear and slowly turned to face Jan.

I suppose you meant Vic?

"Name?" Vic clicked three times, her faces screwed up tight.

I know this is really nit-picky, but 'Vic clicked three times' sounds strange to me. Maybe change it to: 'Vic clicked her tongue three times'. Also, there's an unecessary 's' on face.

"Will you be my Mummy?" Vic looked at the little girl in shock.
"What did you say?"
"I know Mummy's dead and I know Daddy and brother aren't coming back. Please Vic" Vic didn't know what to say. It was true she had never planned on having children or getting married. The thought of babies freaked her out, but there was something about the little girl that intrigued her. She didn't say anything for a long time until Jane started to sing.

I found Jane's reaction to her family's death unrealistic. She seems to have got over it very quickly, and doesn't sound sad at all. Surely she would be in shock, devastated? After all, she's only eight... and her mum just died...
Also, the way that both Vic and Jane adapted so quickly to being adoptive mother and daughter seemed a little strange. I'd suggest going over this bit, some more descriptions could really help. (like, you could describe Jane's desperate expression when she's asking Vic to be her mother)

Near enough everyone was dead, her Tom included.

Again, here, I felt a lot more emotion could be added. Vic seems very calm and collected about it all.

I agree with FRAYEDjade that the ending was a bit weak. A lot happened in this short story, it deserves a strong ending. Maybe add a description of the house, and show Vic's sadness at losing Tom through that (ex: a picture on the wall of him, an object of his...), and then go on to conclude about how Vic's objective now was to keep Jane safe, using some powerful words... I think that would conclude the story nicely. As you wish, though :]

Overall, I think this could use a lot more description and emotion in parts; there are a lot of deaths in there, make the reader feel them. Also, make sure to go over it for spelling mistakes, there were quite a few that can be corrected with a simple read-through.
I really did like this, and, as I said before, the dialogue is fantastic. With a few changed this could be great.

Well, that's about all. Hope I helped!

~Lilicia