Just to Let You Know

I smile, to show you
I care.
I wink, to let you know
you're special.
I wave, to say
hello.
I cry, to show you
I miss you.

You smile,
at the girl behind me.
You wink, to let me know
I'm just another girl.
You wave, to force a
goodbye.
You will never shed a tear.

You've toyed with my emotions,
promised me, psuedo dreams.
You didn't stay long.
You've found enough time
to enchant me;
allow me to fall for you
without you there to catch me.
Seek my soul for your claim;
decieve my heart.
Now, you elude
leaving nothing behind
and taking my all,
heedlessly.

Hey.

The thing I liked about your poem is how you put opposites together and told a story by doing that. I think it's a smart idea and can probably be used more widely in your next works. However, aside from that I really wished that I got more from this poem. The reason for that is because you told us the story, you told us how you feel but you didn't show it to us. This poem really lacks imagery so it makes it really difficult for me as a reader to feel the emotions you feel here because you don't give me anything concrete, any image that will depict exactly how you feel. This is more like prose broken into lines and put into a stanza.

I think that what I can suggest is maybe you can convert this into a story and use that element of opposites that I really liked from this piece. You can also repackage this idea and use more images to make this poem more powerful. As it is, I think it's only the opposites theme that rescues it. Something that I think will help you use more images in your poetry is reading other poets. Not just from this site but also famous poets. You'll really learn how to use the elements of poetry better by reading more poetry.

Another thing that bothered me is that it's really hard to read poetry with complete stops at the end of every line. It begins to read more like a paragraph than a stanza. And though you punctuated correctly since you used complete sentences on every line, I think you should learn how to divide your lines in order to get an easier flow in your poetry.

Keep working on it since you do have some interesting ideas and I'll be glad to read more from you.

--Nixie

Great Ideas and contrast. The difference between an innocent girl and the player...

"You wave to tell me goodbye."

Seems like that's normal, a player would wave to force a good bye, yes? Fix it so it is blatantly player behavior.

"Just to let you know." Seems not poetic enough to finish off the poem.

"You wink to let me know I'm just another girl." Clever line

-KatTrain

Hello again. I shall review this edited version.

First of all, small nitpick:

I wink, to let you know
your special.

I wink,
to let you know
your just another guy.

Careful with your grammar. Your should be you're. I know it's such a minor thing, don't slap me.XD It's important to take note of these things though so you don't make the same mistakes in your other works, or even in your school work.

I think this is a huge improvement from the original. Kudos to dividing the lines to give it an easier flow, and I hope you see the difference. I hope you read how much easier it rolls of the tongue when it's not complete stops all throughout.

Your last stanza was better in terms of language. It's much more vivid than the other two. It's also nice to see a sort of contrast between your first two and your last stanza. The first two being more of a story of what happens on the outside, while the last stanza is your emotions on the inside. I think you did a really good job keeping consistent with the contrasts in this poem. I could see it until I read your very last line.

However, what it has in language was lost in punctuation.

You didn't stay long, yet found enough time
to enchant me; allow me to fall for you
without you there to catch me
defied my heart; tortured my soul
Now, you leave
leaving nothing behind
and taking my all, my everything
Yet
I smile,
I wink,
to let you know
your just another guy.

You notice how that is one, entire sentence? You're shoving so much words on the reader without giving him a pause to take it all in. You also capitalize in certain areas when you didn't even end your sentence. This may seem like a minor thing but again, if you go back to your first two paragraphs and notice how punctuation made it so much better, I think you'll appreciate it's value.

I think you have a good grasp of words and you know how to control them in order to express your emotions vividly, as you did in the third stanza. The only other advice I can give is that you just read some more poetry and immerse yourselves in metaphors. (ok, that sounded corny. HAHA) But a lot of the vivid description you used are cliche, like 'defied my heart and tortured my soul', and by any chance shouldn't that be 'defiled my heart'? Use your own metaphorical language. Make use of your own unique way in describing things and your poetry can be amazing. As an example of this, I think you should read Kamas' poem, "What we are". Her language is her own, she doesn't borrow from other poets who have said it before. I'm sure you have your own language as well.

Keep writing. I'll be glad to read more.

--Nixie