Last hope CHAPTER one, two and three

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Hey, it’s me the Masked Poet here again, with another story I’ve been doing.. unlike my others this one is more in my genera and stuff! It was written over a long period of time so it may jump around and I need it to be reviewed and someone to tell me what they like and didn’t, and tell me where I contradict myself! Oh and a editor would be nice, and I don’t have any chapters yet it just keeps going... I might go and make chapters later! Anyhow, enjoy the read. Oh and yes I may be changing the names later, and some of the names of things such as “power users” seems to... ‘Lame’. Oh! And it looks like I got to just do chapters now so it all fits... can't go over 60,000 characters. Yes, I just copy and pasted from my word document. Got to make a few more reveiwes before I may post more chapters, donating points towards me would be lots of help... Seeing as I just posted two of the pages I got written out of 12 pages X)

A new beginning Ch1

There once was a city, some called it the "City of Dreams", others dubbed it the "City of Youth", yet its proper title was Babylon. It was told to be the heart of the planet they lived on called Planet Santo's the planet was a dark one, and at the same time bright, but I was a cursed one as well, mythical beasts all over, winter nights every night. Babylon was founded by The Wise One, and it got the name City Of Youth because The Wise one has not aged a day since any one can remember, some called it the City Of Dreams for the villagers would have visions in there dreams and dreams that would come true, and the city was told to carry a power of life, in witch one could live forever but that was just a myth, but they blame the town for The Wise One's life of not ageing. The city had four children who possessed the power to control each of the elements. Jona, The Water User, was a shy blond boy with greenish eyes, who liked to keep to himself and was one of the most harmless people in this city. Next was Reana, The Wind User, and the youngest of the bunch. She had long brown hair with sparkling blue eyes; she was the most outgoing of the group and always spoke her mind. Moreover, there was Okito, the Fire User, the strongest one of them all (so he likes to think), he had thick, black hair and dark hazel eyes. Okito has a lust for power, and liked to point stuff out and bring stuff up. Finally there was Xeno, The Earth User, the oldest of the four. Xeno was strikingly serious, and assumed the role of leader , she kept the group under control most of the time., Xeno had short black hair and was blind in one eye, however, her control over the earth lets here do things without any sight. In addition, The Wise One is the founder of the village and it is told he hasn't aged a day. He looks like he is in his mid 30's, has short black hair, and wears a long coat.

Jona, Reana, Okito, and Xeno grew up together as orphans, and the leader of Babylon The Wise One found them in the outskirts of the town were the forest was, the forest was known as “The forest Of Death” white, snow covered trees, mutated beast's, Poisons plants, raiders and bandits and groups of different drifters. The forest was deadly, going in it was digging your own grave, only the strong can survive in this place, then one day when they were all young a man was in the forest on a “mission” and found the kids abandoned, in the spine chilling forest. The Wise One claimed the four children as his own. Ten years later, the four children grew on one another, and with in the ten years the all got old, Jona was thirteen, Reana, ten, Okito fifteen, and Xeno sixteen.



Earths true strength Ch2


It was Xeno who first disordered her powers around the age of ten, ten years seemed to be when they developed there powers, and they would always show up with out warning, when Xeno first found out her powers she was at school, it was a cold winter day, colder than normal and raised her hand to answer a question, and when she raised her hand a big pillar of rock shot out of the ground, as it came out of the ground the earth shook as if there was a earthquake, the city blamed the pillar on the earthquake the town had no idea but Xeno thought it was weird that it happened as soon as she raised her hand, but she just shrugged and answered the question, after school she was walking home and she tripped and put her hands out to break her fall and sand shot out of the ground like million feathers and broke her fall, lucky no one saw her, after that she went home and kept it a secret from everyone, even the other children, she trained with it in a secret place she made, she called it her training field, it was located well, ironically under her bed, she made it by digging a hole by shifting the earth in a circular rotation, then she compacted it to make a big dome under there ground, when she was training she would seal the entrance and light up the dome with candle light. The flame would make the room flicker with light, and when she was not using it she would seal it. Xeno would normally sneak away into the light flickering dome to train at night when all was asleep.

The rage of the flame Ch3


It was not long till Okito got his powers as well ,around a year after Xeno, Okito was sitting in his class, his class had colourful maps all over the walls, then room was one of the darkest in the school for it lacked windows, the only light came from the flickering light bulb that hung on the roof, his history teacher asked a question and the boy behind Okito said something to try and get the class to laugh and Okito tuck it seriously and turned to him and punched him, the kids started to chant fight and Okito jumped on top of the kid and started to punch him in the face, the crimson blood dripped on the ground and rippled as he punched the boy, the boy's face was a mess, covered with the blood, as if he had been sprayed with red paint, his nose broke, busted teeth, and swollen eyes, Okito was then suspend for the remainder of the year, Okito was outraged and left the class room slamming the door, the slamming of the door echoed threw out the halls of the school as Okito stormed threw the halls toward the exit teachers were peaking out of there classes along with there students, Xeno saw Okito and thought to her self, “oh dear...”, All the attention Okito was getting was filling him with rage, he left the school and all the teachers told there students to get back to class, but Xeno managed to sneak away and tried to catch up to Okito and saw him running off toward the empty park, Xeno followed him slowly trying not to be seen she ran tree to tree and would peak out time to time to see Okito. When Okito got to the park he started to punch the tree with anger and mumbling stuff to himself, “stupid teachers, stupid kids, stupid school”, Xeno put her hand on Okito's shoulder and turned around and pushed her away with a burst of fire, the fire lighted up the dark park and melted all the snow on the ground in its path, Xeno lifted up her arms and a pillar shot out and broke her fall, Okito's eyes widened and he looked at himself shaking, “what... what jus...jus...just happened..!” Okito looked at his hands then Xeno and saw that she had made a pillar of rock come out of the ground, Okito shut his eyes tightly and said to himself, “Wake up... come on Wake up this has to be a dream!”, Xeno got up brushed her self off and got up walking toward Okito on the path of melted snow, “this is no dream... looks like you got powers too” Xeno said, “you must not tell any one.. And you must learn to control it” Xeno added and put her hand on Okito's shoulder, “ill show you tonight were I train, I will show you and Jona and Reana... just in case they developed powers a swell” Xeno said turning around walking toward the house. Okito ran behind to catch up to Xeno, the snow drifted down upon them as they walked home, the city was quiet, the snow fell softly, and the snow reflected the sun, the city was at peace. Xeno and Okito headed up the stairs to the house The Wise One was standing at the top of the stairs taping his foot, “Well, you better have a good explanation...” Said The Wise One, Xeno and Okito looked at him shocked wondering how he knew about there powers, “...For beating up that kid at school” Finished The Wise One, both Xeno and Okito had forgot all about that and were relieved The Wise One did not know about there powers, the snow fell and everything was silent for a moment, “well father, he was making a mockery of the class! He was ruining my learning some one had to set him strait” Explained walking up the icy stairs, the mood was down and the tension was growing between Okito and The Wise One. “That is no way to talk to your father Okito” Said The Wise One, “You? My father? How pathetic, all you are is my care taker” Said Okito entering the house, The Wise One sighed and looked to Xeno, “Why must he hate me?” Said The Wise One not directing it at Xeno. Xeno entered the house and rushed off after Okito to the bedroom. Xeno saw Okito laying there fast asleep. Xeno walked quietly over to him and bent over and kissed him softly on the lips, “sleep well... Okito..” she said and smiled and made her way back to school.




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I really enjoyed these chapters and I really think you should write more of these.
Serious talent and possibility here, i'm not just saying that.
I do think more detail could be used but the imagery is really good and I found myself reading till the end and wanting more. This is coming for someone with the attention span of a fish.
Beautiful writing.
WELL DONE!!! :D
...The Emptiness Will Haunt You...




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Phoenix lands for a review

Writing:
I cannot stress enough show don’t tell. They way you have written It is, very passive and detached.

Right now you have huge section describing the setting people without any real connection and it’s a bit dry for a beginning. The first paragraph needs to grab the reader. Exposition is the bane of most reader’s existence and will for sure not catch their attention. So I suggest adding some action/movement in the first half and gradually explain things.

Ways to show:
Thoughts: Go into the characters minds. Have their actual thought processes and don’t just say he was ____ insert emotion. Show that emotion using his disgruntled thoughts.

Action: A lot of this story could be explained with actual movement. Such as you tell what the class looks like, but the purpose is moot. You should describe it by using character actions in it. “The teacher walked to the bored and pulled down the brightly colored map” something of that nature.

Dialogue: While you should not relate on this too much because it can go back to telling. You can use it to have a character conversationally say something. Then briefly add the needed description.

Eliminate the word was: Trust me when I say this word is a crutch. It should be destroyed whenever possible. You’d be surprised at how much description blossoms out of getting rid of this word.

Expand: Long scenes are reduced to very little words. The two scenes in which they discover their powers should be expanded and explored. It’s far too quick as it is. Add the above elements to help beef it up a bit.


I would suggest against telling the characters personalities as well. You say that the one is shy and likes to stay to himself, well show that through the novel and don’t say it out right. If you dissect the characters for the reader they will have no reason to read on and find out about the characters themselves. The boy beating in a kid’s face shows he is easily angered, the reader does not need to be told this beforehand.

Scan: Just scan the whole thing as often you mess up simple words that I suspect are typos you missed.

Plot:

I would advise against a few things; one, the earth user being blind in one eye and making up for it by using the earth. That sounds like Avatar Last Airbender.
http://avatar.wikia.com/wiki/Toph_Bei_Fong

Just a small detail that I advise is too similar. In fact I would suggest if you have not watched this show you should or wiki it. Why? Because elemental manipulation is a very common idea. It is done in a lot of material, and thus you must find a way to make it your own and avoid falling in path of some of the more widely known usages, such as this show.

Also the plot is much too rushed at this point this relates to the previous section. If you expand these sections then I can see the plot being developed and unfolding better.

If you connect the plot directly to what is happening at the moment you can explain things while moving things along. This goes a long with the previous point of show. For instance people should not be descined until they are introduced to the direct plot.

Overall: It has potential and with the added description it would be very well written as you do seem to be able to sculpt some interesting descriptions and phrasings. From what you told me of the plot other than this, it does seem to have a good progression.

Hope I helped

Phoenix flies away.
This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

Death~




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Yo, okay, so I was going to do nitpicks, but... er, the truth is that you're grammar was... not great. I'll do all the nitpicks later, if you like, just PM me, but here's what I saw most often: LOTS of run-on sentences that needed to be cut down, and several times you did not use the correct form of "there." Let's just go over that real quick:

their: possessive word for more then one person, like, It was their favorite TV show.

there: at a place, like, There was a huge bear.

And, you probably know "they're" is a contraction for "they are." I think I just saw you use "there" where "their" was appropriate, so yeah...

Now, onto the review! Mahaha...


I would have liked this so much more if you had actually approached it from the point of view of the kids, rather then just telling us roughly what happened… Honestly, dude, I felt like so much was missing in chapter three… you could have given the kid he beat up a name, you could have told us exactly what was going on in Okito’s mind as he threw the first punch, and… I felt like Xeno’s reaction to Okito’s power was kind of… underwhelming. Her brother (or, brotherly figure, in any case) can control fire? In my mind she thought she was the only special one, and then… yeah. Maybe she could have expressed confusion, jealousy, something besides just, “Oh, well, I guess you also have powers. Cool.” In fact, her reaction to herself having powers was less then astounded too…

Chapter two, I didn’t feel was as bad… but still, it was just telling us what happened… Maybe you’d consider writing that from Xeno’s point of view?

(Huh, I’m not sure why I’m doing this review backwards… from 3rd to 1st that is)

The first chapter, well, it was like an introduction, and it wasn’t bad, but I would’ve set up the first chapter differently… I mean, you literally tell us the setting and characters outright, maybe you could do that in the story… I don’t know…

I think this could be a cool story, and I’d like to read more, but, like Phoenix said, you shouldn’t just tell us what happens…

Hope this helped XD

--
Tabby




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Alright, so, I have a few general comments with this piece
1) Your font was too small, and I had to zoom in a lot to read it. I actually have a distance thing that makes it hard for me to read small fonts. Make it bigger.

2) When I did zoom in, and began to read, you only told the reader. You need to show them, let the reader use their imagination instead of telling them every movement a character makes.
Here is an article to help you Here!

3) These chapters are rather short. You give tons and tons of detail, then just flip into the next chapter, without really giving the reader any action to keep reading.

You need to add details and action, and show the reader more then telling them.
~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*



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