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Hi there!

I'm Rach, here to review. I haven't read the other chapters. Your title just caught my attention, and so I figured I'd check it out anyway. That said, I won't be commenting too much on story stuff (obviously), but I do have some other comments on a more...eh, technical side.

So, off goes.

First, I have to get a bit picky with your descriptions. Usually, I'm not the stickler on this, but you use the adjective 'perfect' here, and that's as big an invitation for disagreement as there gets. I'm not talking about the end, but the beginning, when you're describing this Zayn character. I was partially willing to take you at your word that he was beautiful. But perfect? I'm easy-going and I'm not going to believe he's 'perfect' until you show me perfect.

So my advice, in other words, is to cut out the perfect and the beautiful. Don't tell me that's what he is. Show me and you'll be in far better shape and you'll get the inevitable Mary Sue hounds off your trail when they come calling. (Not moi, other peeps.)

My other comment for now--unfortunately, I'm gonna have to cut the review short--is that the POV here seemed a little odd. In parts, it read more like first person than third. And at other parts, it seemed like you'd crammed two limited POVs together.

Such as...:

The next moment, Ira and several others came to her aid and pulled him off of her.
Zayn roared as he fought against them, his fangs flashing while he kicked wildly. Ira snatched him by the jaw and punched him in the face shouting,'Calm the fuck down you piece of shit!'
Zayn dropped to his knees, growling through his teeth. The blade slid back into his wrist.
'Ira, I'm fine,' Vanessa said quickly,'I'm fine, I promise... He didn't hurt me.'
'It broke your fucking wrist!' Ira snarled at her,'Silas, get her patched up, do something with that thing.'
'Ira, please, don't!' Vanessa said quickly,'It was my fault really!'
'Let me see it,' Zayn said softly.
'What?' Ira spat through his teeth.
'Let me see it... I... I can fix it,' he replied, struggling awkwardly to his feet with his hands trapped behind his back.

Unless Vanessa (your POV character here, I assume) is aware that his name is Zayn, he probably shouldn't be named in that above section. Because then it makes it seem like Vanessa knows who he is already, which wouldn't make too much sense. It also momentarily snaps us into Zayn's POV because it is so odd, makes us see things from his perspective for a moment, and then it's back to Vanessa... and it's all just sort of confusing.

Now, you could do all that with omniscient, but you'd have to make everything match the omniscient, which means no describing how beautiful the dude is--the omniscient narrator doesn't get to have opinions like that. (In fact, it was the 'beautifuls' and the 'perfects' that made me think it was first person at first.)

Anyway, I have to scoot, but I think I've been sort of confusing. So if something didn't make sense, please drop me a PM or post of my wall and I'll come explain in better and clearer detail for ya.

By the way--awesome title.

Rach

Once again, simply amacing and a cureall for lethargy (yea I'm very tired but this definatly woke me up).

I agree with the revew above me for the most part, except for the bit about the begining, I really loved that. Most people eather would have tried and failed at what you did, not bothered, or were you. You actually said it in a way that was full of detail but not boring.

The only other thing that bothered me was the POV, although that was explained to the fullest extent by Rach. I don't know if this was what she felt, but i thought it was like their minds were one and that it wasn't intenchonal. It was really the unintenchional part that messed it up.

Thanks for another great read!
PB

Chapter 5!! Woohoo!

Vanessa eyed him with intrigue, like a child seeing the sun for the very first time.
He was by all means, beautiful, flawlessly beautiful. His face was all planes and sharp angles, his jaw square and masculine. He looked fierce, dangerous in the light cast by the fire, even with the blindfold over his eyes. She noticed the curve of his ears, the onyx stud that pierced his left helix, and the tear in the right where a matching stone might have been torn out.
Even beneath the folds and pleats of bandages that swathed his entire torso, she could see the shape of bulging muscle and the sharp contours of his perfect body. His arms and legs seemed to be little more than tough sinew, bone, and taut skin. His skin was covered in a plethora of chaotic, yet somehow uniformed,you might want to separate this with dashes series of bold black lines. They moved with his body, swirling, criss-crossing and veining over his skin in the most mysterious ways. The lines cut off abruptly at his ankles and wrists and the base of his neck. She noticed half a swirl of blue peeping underneath his bandages. It stood out vividly amid the black, so bright and beautiful a color. It might have been the dim light, but she almost that it looked...alive...
He was like a lost work of art, and she was the archeologist who discovered him.
She could feel Ira's jealous eyes on her, burning, scathing. But she did not care. When close Shelowercase could feel...something... A warmth? A touch? Something. Her senses tingled, her skin crawled with the strange adrenaline that coursed through her. She reveled in these sensations; sensations she knew nobody else would ever be able to give her, not even Ira.
She looked at the creature before her again, and slowly, hesitantly reached for his hand. The second that her fingertips brushed against his wrist, he was awake.
In less time than she could bat an eye he had one hand around her wrist, his grip vice-like. She screamed in both fear and pain when her wrist snapped. He wrenched her arm back, and there was a metallic slide that reminded her of the sound of a knife being drawn. When she looked she saw two thin, serrated black blades, one just slightly longer than the other protruding from the wrist of his free hand.
The next moment, Ira and several others came to her aid and pulled him off of her.
Zayn roared as he fought against them, his fangs flashing while he kicked wildly. Ira snatched him by the jaw and punched him in the face shouting,'Calm the fuck down you piece of shit!'
Zayn dropped to his knees, growling through his teeth. The blade slid back into his wrist.
'Ira, I'm fine,' Vanessa said quickly,'I'm fine, I promise... He didn't hurt me.'
'It broke your fucking wrist!' Ira snarled at her,'Silas, get her patched up, do something with that thing.'
'Ira, please, don't!' Vanessa said quickly,'It was my fault really!' Even though she might be strong, a broken wrist is nothing to be taken lightly. It will be excruciatingly painful for her to move it, and more than likely she’ll be crying in pain, whether or not she tries to hold it back. And I’m sure that they must know that a bone fracture can’t exactly be ‘patched up’. It’s an internal injury. 'Let me see it,' Zayn said softly.
'What?' Ira spat through his teeth.
'Let me see it... I... I can fix it,' he replied, struggling awkwardly to his feet with his hands trapped behind his back.
Everyone aimed their guns at him immediately, but he did not even flinch. He looked so strong, even though he was at his weakest and blindfolded, compared to those men. He was taller, more muscular, and he had a feral majesty about him. Even Ira could not hope to compare.
'Fine,' Ira spat.
The others released him and Ira allowed Vanessa passed.
Zayn took her wrist and pulled out his necklace, his fingers on the onyx dragon. He touched the diamond to the blue mark on his chest, and to the amazement of all who watched, especially Vanessa, the clear stone burst into a blue light.
'This might hurt,' he murmured,'But only for a few seconds...'
Vanessa nodded, biting her lip.
He stabbed her wrist at the break with the wing of the diamond dragon and cut halfway down her fore arm. Ira began to object but was interrupted by Zayn, who only breathed, 'Vanessa.'
Vanessa gave a stifled cry, but watched as her arm took on that blue glow. the pain was at first excruciating, and then it was replaced by a cool tingling sensation.
She could feel the bones sliding back into place, and then felt them bind back together. Zayn ran his hand over the cut in her arm, and wherever he touched the blue glow faded away to only her pale skin.
He slipped the necklace back around his neck, the dragon returning to normal. Ira stepped forward and examined Vanessa's wrist. It was perfect, as though it had never been broken.
He turned to face Zayn, 'What the hell are you playing at!'
Zayn swallowed. With the blindfold over his eyes, it was like he had no emotion. But even with it on it was obvious that Ira failed to intimidate him.
Ira took his wrist and turned his hand palm side up. There was nothing there that could indicate a hidden blade.
Zayn took his arm away,'I'm no animal, I would appreciate it if I was not treated as such.'
'So it's true, Underworlders have feelings,' Ira snorted,'It's a good thing we Eradicators don't give a shit.'
Zayn was rigid all over.
He hated the Eradicators. They were held in the highest esteem by fellow humans but among the Underworlders they were no more than a rag-tag band of glorified murderers, plunderers, and thieves.
There was a reason why he had remained unknown to them for so long.
'Ira...' Vanessa said softly,'Stop.'
She took Zayn by the arm, hesitant at first,'Come with me...'
She led him to the fire and helped him to sit on an overturned milk crate.
'You'll have to excuse Ira, he's a jackass,' she said softly,'A hot tempered jackass.'
He was hiding something.
Zayn licked his lips,'Where are we?'
'Broken Arrow,' she replied,'At least... What's left of it...'
She looked around at the garage where they had taken refuge. The ice that clung to the walls glittered in the fire light, which cast grotesque shadows all over the walls. Three polar bears that pulled the supply wagons lay in their cages, chewing on Orc bones. A few of the men had gathered around the counter and were playing with a ramshackle deck of cards, others were playing with home made dice. Most of them by now were sleeping close by the fire or moving around the room to restore warmth to their bodies. It was too often someone froze to death in their sleep, even with a fire. She looked at Zayn, and then found herself staring at him. She snapped herself out of it.
She gave him a bowl of watery soup and rice,'It's not the best but it'll...'
'I don't eat,' he said softly,'But thank you...'
She blinked, but nodded,'Okay...'
She sat beside him,'Can I ask what you...are... Exactly?'
'What do you think I am?' he countered.
'...Some of the men think you're some breed of Vampire,' she replied, shrugging,'Or a new kind of Wolf... Ira was convinced you were a half-dragon until he realized a half-dragon wouldn't have been in your situation...'
'I asked for your opinion, not theirs,' he said gently.
She swallowed. The only time she was allowed to have an opinion was when deciding how to treat wounds, and even then, Silas' second opinion always triumphed over hers.
'I... I'm not sure what to think of you...' she replied.
'I'm everything you think I'm not,' he said softly,'Perhaps even more...'
She looked at him, seeing the taut pull of his mouth, the crease of his brow. She wished she could see his eyes.
A man walked passed, and Zayn slid his foot across the floor, out of the man's path.
'You're blind?' Vanessa said aloud.
'Only mostly,' he replied.
'How do you see?' she asked.
'Through vibrations,' he said,'Touch, taste...smell... Hearing...Everything contributes.... I can see though my eyes but only in the dark.'
She tossed a fork at his head and he caught it.
'How'd you do that?' she asked.
A hollow grin graced his lips for only a while,'It's all in the wrist...'
'Where'd you get the necklace?' she asked.
He pressed his lips together, 'It isn't mine...'
'You stole it?' she said. It was so common for people to steal things now, the query bore no shock or alarm.
'No... It was a gift,' he replied, his hand closing around the pendant slowly.
There was a pained look on his face.
She realized this was a sore subject for him,'I'm sorry... I know what it's like to lose somebody you love...'
'She is not dead,' he said, licking his lips.
'How do you know?' she asked.
'I just know,' he replied.
'How?' she pursued.
He sighed, and then said softly, mostly to himself, 'My heart is her heart, and her heart, mine. For always and eternity our lives, love will bind. If death finds one heart, may the other follow, close as skin or worlds apart.'
Vanessa nodded,'I see.'
What kind of love was this that he spoke of? It sounded so impossible, so unreal. Would she ever find a love like that for herself?

Zayn sat up in the dark, a shadow amongst shadows. The coals of the fire were burning low and hot.
He stood up, perfectly silent. He moved soundlessly, stepping over sleeping bodies and unseen by those up and pacing the chill out of their bones. He was perfectly aware of one, however, who was just as aware of him.
He went outside, breathing in a lungful of cold air.
Ira came out as well, saying gruffly,'You ain't that sneaky, asshole.'
'I wasn't trying to be,' Zayn muttered.
'I don't like you,' Ira said, stepping closer,'You give me the creeps.'
'It's easy to dislike something you don't understand,' he replied,'Humans, especially humans, seem to be the sort to judge those who are "different" rashly. Your kind is so afraid of what they can't understand.'
'And you say we judge too quickly,' Ira snorted.
'I have observed humankind for a long time now,' Zayn said,'Time and time again, generation after generation, they only prove themselves to be close-minded, save very few.'
Ira shook his head, snorting, 'So you Underworlders are perfect.'
'No body has ever been nor ever will be perfect,' Zayn said, shaking his head,'All I'm saying to you, Human, is that it is best to learn than to judge...wrongly, especially.'
Ira swallowed, shifting his weight nervously. He cleared his throat and looked Zayn over suspiciously, 'You're hiding something... I don't know what it is yet, but I'll figure it out eventually...'
Zayn cocked his head in Ira's direction, 'That makes two of us.'

This chapter has been much easier to follow than your others. Your descriptions are still your strongest technique; at least once every chapter I find myself thinking ‘wow’.

I never expected Zayn to be blind. It was probably obvious, but he was always in that torture room, and I just assumed it was too dark for him to see anything. So it was a small surprise to me. And by mostly blind, do you mean he can still partially see?

Things are still unclear to me. You said things were supposed to be revealed a bit in this chapter, but I can’t tell the difference. I still have no idea who’s good and who’s bad and who’s fighting for what and why all that crucial stuff. It feels like there’s really are no real motives, just that Zayn loves that girl who gave him her necklace, and is probably trying to find his way back to her. But you’ve made no mention of this, so I can’t be certain.

I really don't have any problems with this chapter though, I'll be backtracking to part 4 to see what you've changed

So great job, and good luck writing!!

It's obvious I have a lot of rewriting and editing to do. Bear with me you guys. I've never written fantasy before or a novel so this is all a massive work in progress! Thanks for all the help and support it is much appreciated!

Now that brings a completely new twist to things! I like this version better, well that might just be because I know who Zayn is now. So wait, is Zayn not his real name? And why did Venessa scream Luis? I'm sorry about all the questions, but I find that sometimes people asking what is on their minds helps me figure out what I should include or exclude in the next part.

bElL3 wrote:'Why is it yet to be fulfilled

I'm not shure if I'm right or not, but would has be right there, or is it is? I don't know, but it was bugging me.

Over all, I loved it. It clarified what I was confused about before and then confused me some more in a way that left me hanging. Perfect.

Oh my gosh, so sorry for the uber late response! What can I say, I've been way too busy. I'll be getting quicker with my reviews, hopefully. Chap 7 is still in progress.

Zayn awoke when the wagon jolted. He felt Vanessa near him.
The chains still bound his wrists and new ones were wrapped about his ankles. There was a blindfold tied tightly over his eyes, a luxury that he had been deprived of for some time.
He shuddered and dragged his dead legs up to his chest, the chains rattling with his movement.
'Shhh,' Vanessa breathed.
He shied away from her hands before she ever touched him, his lip snarling over his fangs.
'I'm only trying to help you,' she said softly, 'You've lost a lot of blood.'
He was too weak to argue any more.
He went rigid when she pressed a cold cloth to the hollow of his neck.
'You've been through quite an ordeal...' she whispered.
He only swallowed, his hands tightening into fists behind his back.
'Do you know who did this to you?' she asked.
He nodded, 'I do.'
'Who were They?' she asked.
He shuddered, licking his lips.
'You can tell me anything,' she added softly.
'They are the Ones Who made this world the way it is,' he whispered. I don’t think who should be capitalized. It feels like The Ones should be uppercase though. She was quiet.
'It... It is a very long story...' he whispered.
'I thought the world was always like this...' she said, shaking her head.
A half-grin, half-sneer broke across his face for a mere moment, 'No... Before Them the world was actually worth living in.' before should be lowercase since you are continuing the sentence. He fell silent for so long that she wondered if he was asleep again.
'Where are we?' he asked.
She jumped a little at the sound of his voice. After she had recovered from her surprise she replied, 'Umm... We're coming up to Albuquerque. We're going to freshen up our supplies and head to El Paso from there... We should be there by morning.'
Zayn took a deep breath and then froze, seeming It doesn’t feel like the word ‘seeming’ fits here. Did you mean feeling alert? Or did you mean he seemed to look alert? You could try to make his reaction a bit more dramatic: Zayn took a quick breath and froze, suddenly alert, his face draining of all color in an instant. suddenly alert. His face drained of all color.
'What?' asked Vanessa. , shocked. I imagined her to stiffen at his reaction, growing worried herself. 'He's here...' he breathed, struggling to sit upright. This statement gave me genuine excitement. His skin crawled and his heartbeat seemed to triple in cadence. For some reason, I felt like this sentence could be deleted. It feels like you already established his fear by his actions, so blatantly saying ‘his skin crawled’ and things to that extent seem a bit juvenile. To me, it took a bit of the intensity of the moment. She looked up when the sky above darkened, even with the light from the Second Sun.
The company stopped immediately.
'What the fuck?' Ira said (cursed, spat) as he came marching down the column of men and supply carts.
'No...' Zayn groaned, doubling over at the waist.
Lightening Spelling error- should be ‘lightning’ the color of blood struck the ground in front of the party. When the vapor cleared away from the area comma a massive, shadowed form stood in the road.
'Tîmör,' rumbled the figure, reaching out with one hand. Maybe give us a bit more description of the voice besides rumbling? I’m not forming the best picture in my head. The chains that bound Zayn shattered and a hot wind whipped up around the company, violent and relentless. The men all dropped suddenly to their knees, covering their ears as they screamed.
Vanessa shrieked, 'Louis!' Now this is getting really nitpicky, but I don’t like how Vanessa cried out his name. She had to have been under intense pain like the rest of them. The suddenness and shock of it all probably would call her to scream, but she’s hasn’t known Louis for nearly long enough to have his name become an instinct when she calls for help. Or, it could be that she was crying out to him in warning. But that would be unrealistic, too. If she was really worried about him, she would’ve run up and held onto him or something, not screamed at him from afar.
I’m probably reading too much into it, but when you become invested in a story, you start feel when things are natural or not. Zayn struggled to his feet, but his knees buckled under his own weight and he toppled out of the cart. His body hit the ice with a dull slap.
'Tîmör,' the Figure repeated.
The screams doubled in intensity.
'Stop!' Zayn shouted at the figure as he pulled himself to his feet, 'Stop speaking my name!'
The Dark came swirling around them all, a thick black mist through which no light could penetrate. It crowded around Zayn, the tendrils wisping about his body as though his presence had been missed.
'I gave you life for a purpose,' said the Figure, 'Why is it yet to be fulfilled?'
'You hold no power over me, Ashé,' Zayn snarled.
'Wrong!' Ashé roared, exploding into particles of Darkness. He manifested out of the Dark again, directly in front of Zayn, 'You are bound to me!'
Zayn fell to his hands and knees before him, aware of the great weight of Ashé's authority over him.
'What do you want from me?' Zayn hissed.
'I want that Door opened!' Ashé shouted, 'This world belongs to us!'
'No!' Zayn roared back over the tempestuous gales that rose up around them again, 'I want no part in this!'
'You have no choice!' Ashe you’re missing the accent over the e. snarled at him, 'Need I remind you that I am still the King?'
'The world will surely be destroyed!' Zayn argued.
'Only if you allow Them to open the Door first!' He said.
Zayn covered his ears, 'I won't! I refuse!'
The Dark that had caressed him suddenly wrapped around his wrists and coiled around his throat. He gagged and fought against them.
In the forefront of his mind he could hear Siobhan choking and screaming his name. Tears stung his eyes and he screamed, 'Siobhan!'
The moment he felt his own will break into a million pieces the Dark released him.
His body went lax as he coughed and hacked, holding his throat in one hand.
'I will not be so merciful again, Tîmör,' Ashé rumbled, 'Open the Door.'
He faded away and the winds died down, and the Dark withdrew.
Zayn sensed the humans coming to their senses again, though some remained on the ground, trembling all over.
Ira was one of the first to recover.
He dragged Zayn to his feet and threw his back against the cart, 'What the fuck did you do!'
When Zayn did not reply quickly enough, Ira shook him, 'I asked you a fucking question, you fucking demon!' A personal preference, but I don’t really like the repeating of the F bomb. It’s distracting. I understand it’s a character trait of his, but maybe if you cut it out fifty percent of the time it would feel more effective when you did decide to use it. Your choice, though. Zayn caught him by the throat with both hands and tackled him to the ground. His fangs were clenched together as he hissed, 'If you ever call me that again I swear on all that breathes I will not hesitate to rip your throat out with my own hands!'
Ira was helpless in his grasp. Even at his weakest, Zayn was far stronger than any man.
Four other men came hurriedly to peel Zayn off of their leader. Zayn did not resist them.
'What the hell are you?' Ira rasped, rubbing his throat.
Zayn swallowed.
It was quiet.
'The boogeyman...' Zayn whispered.
'What?' Ira snorted.
'That THING that goes bump in the night...' Zayn mumbled, 'The monster lurking in the dark... The nightmare that keeps you awake at night because you are too afraid to fall asleep again...' I thought it was strange that Zayn would get pissed when Ira called him a demon, but right after that he called himself a monster and a living nightmare. Aren’t they like one and the same? Ira stared at him.
Zayn began to droop a little, 'Fear...'
'Fear,' Ira repeated.
'Your worst fear,' Zayn whispered.
There was a weight and a sense of foreboding in his tone. It had an affect an on everyone, even the bears hitched to the carts.
Vanessa stood behind Ira now.
She covered her mouth with both hands, staring at Zayn from over Ira's shoulder.
'Move out!' Ira yelled suddenly, waving his arm forward as he walked to the front of the company again.
Nobody hesitated, save Vanessa.
She stared at Zayn awhile longer.
'I never wanted to be this,' Zayn whispered.
She nodded, 'Nobody would...'
She swallowed and turned to follow the others. Before long, Zayn was alone. Again.

 


So wow, a huge revamp from your other version. I do like this one because it has so much excitement than the other one, and you include that demon thing, which was pretty cool and frightening. Also, I understand the plot a little more, now I realize that it isn’t exactly Zayn’s choice to go and seek out this ‘Door’, but he’s being forced to by whatever this demon thing was that wants it. As for Siohban’s predicament I’m still not so sure what she’s doing, or if her voice is physically inside his head like music or bells, or if Zayn is simply imaging her.

As for Zayn’s double name, use it sparingly. I mean, we’ve already got another character with a double name and it might get confusing! What is the reason for his chosen name? The meaning behind his real name? You did a great job with Vixen/Eden, because there was a good reason and a story behind it, make sure you do the same for Zayn or else it will feel unnecessary.

To me, this new version does lose a few things from your original version. There is much more personality coming through from all your characters in the old one, and in this, you lose most all of it. That is mostly due to the dialogue you had before. We also aren’t given the fact that Zayn is half blind.

Thanks for being patient with my sluggish reviews

Darn, by the time I finished my review, you edited. I need to get on the ball! (My review was 6 pages long, hence the slowness)

Thanks guys for all the reviews... And sorry Jenth, I feel bad now :/

Alright!

She jumped a little at the sound of his voice. After she had recovered from her surprise she replied,

This part does not have an effective voice. Try to actively describe the wait, rather than skip over it and refer to it as ‘after’.
Do you understand what I mean? Between the first sentence and the second, you have a space of time in Vanessa’s world. In our world (the reading world) this time does not exist; we skip from the period to the capital ‘A’ within a fraction of a second. Since, when we get there, we find that a longer period of time has really passed, it can make for some confusion. Try to make the wait longer in your words, making our’s and Vanessa’s world more similar time-wise.
Does any of that make any sense? Sorry if it doesn’t. I’ll just re-write your work to show you what I mean:
“She jumped a little at the sound of his voice and looked at his back in the dark. Her voice found itself and she stuttered out her reply, “Umm…”
See what I mean? Maybe my example isn’t the best you could ask for, but I mean something like that.

'He isn't my master,' she muttered, 'And he hates everybody...'

Well, I’m glad to see that you’re no longer making the same mistakes. However, you’ve gone from one extreme to the other.
You need to cut one of those spaces, between ‘muttered,’ and ‘And,’

Zayn sat close to the fire, wrapped in a blanket. His mouth was set into a firm line, and his brows furrowed with thought.

Here again there’s one space too many, between ‘in’ and ‘a’.
Also, I think you could cut the ‘and’.

He refrained from wrinkling his knows at the smell of the roasted faun meat, but his stomach turned at the thought of eating another.

‘Knows’? Did you means ‘brows’?
Also, before the ‘turned’ I think you should add ‘still’. It might make it more effective.
“…but his stomach still turned..."

'I don't eat meat,' he said in polite declination.
'We don't have anything else,' she said softly.
'I have no need for food,' he assured her.
'Everyone has to eat,' she pointed out.
He nodded, 'I suppose.'

'Darling, I've been smoking longer than you've been alive,'

This affection seems a little weird coming from Zayn...

They slaughtered the mortals, and tortured the Divines before They took them away in attempt to make them tell where their leader was but they refused to speak.

Too much 'they'! try to make it simpler. Also, why is Zayn info-dumping? He seems to a be naturally a little more reclusive.

Vanessa shrieked, covering hef ears and squeezing shut her eyes as she fell.

Hef?

'Stop!' Zayn shouted at the figure as he pulled himself to his feet, 'Stop speaking my name!'

here again you make Zayn say something simply for the plot. Why would he shout out something confirming his identity? That's something for Ashe to do.

'The boogeyman...' Zayn whispered.
'What?' Ira snorted.
'That THING that goes bump in the night...' Zayn murmured darkly, his voice monotoned, as though he had no control of his words, 'The nightmare that keeps you awake at night because you are too...afraid to fall asleep again...'
Ira stared at him.
Zayn began to droop a little, 'Fear...'
'Fear,' Ira repeated.
'Your worst fear,' Zayn whispered

I absolutely LOVE this sequence! It has an ominous tone and builds up just right. However, I find that Ira’s reaction and subsequent emotions are not as clear as I would like them to be. Also, I’m pretty sure ‘monotoned’ is not a word. Maybe you could say “…his voice a dull monotone, as though…”
Other than that, don’t change this part; it’s awesome!
Jenth

‘...Ira...? ...Ira!’
He roused when Vanessa’s voice finally reached his ears, and opened his eyes. Aside from the faint light of night shining through the gap above comma it was pitch dark. With his blurred vision, he could barely make out the shapes of his men standing on guard close by or Vanessa’s face in front of him.
He sat up with a low groan, shuddering as a cold chill ran up and down his spine.
‘What happened?’ he muttered.
‘You ran after that bird and fell into this place when the ground split open...’ she replied, ‘We couldn’t stop either and we all fell too... Some of the men went scouting ahead to find a way out awhile ago but they either haven’t come back yet or only found a dead end... and that was after going for miles.’
Ira ran his hand over his face, ‘Well... There’s no point in hanging around here.’
'Ira be careful!’ Vanessa warned, 'Your leg-’
He rose carefully to his feet, stumbling when he took a step and then falling to his hands and knees when a terrible pain lanced through his entire body, beginning in his right leg. He grasped his right knee shouting, ‘Son of a bitch!’
'It’s broken...’ she said, kneeling beside him.
‘No shit...’ he gasped though his teeth, ‘Where the hell is Walski?’
‘He set it already,’ she replied, ‘But then he went with one of the groups to find something to splint it with. They still haven’t come back though...’
Ira spat on the ground and tried to stand once more, this time snatching Vanessa by the arm and using her for support, ‘Come on... We’ll go that way...’ is this Ira speaking?

They walked for what seemed like days in the dark, but in all reality had been no more than a few hours. Ira’s mind began to drift in and out of awareness, his body numb all over save a dull throbbing sensation radiating from his broken leg. The footsteps of the men and their quiet mumblings sounded to him as though they were coming from under water, far away and hardly intelligible.
'What is this place?’ a man murmured, shining his flashlight ahead, only for the beam to be swallowed whole by the immense darkness.
'Hell if I know...’ Ira slurred, glancing thoughtlessly around.
He hardly cared where they were anymore. All he wanted was to get out of there and go back home.
'It just keeps going...’ Vanessa remarked, her voice drifting down the corridor. no more ellipses for you! Take em out!
A scream ripped through the quiet and was cut suddenly short. Ira went rigid all over, straightening his back as he reachedbackfor his rifle, watching the wall of shadow for any sign of life but to no avail. His human eyes were too weak, and were only made worse by his concussion. The others stood still as well, holding their breath and clutching their weapons with newfound fear and desperation.
Ira gulped, releasing a slow, shallow breath. His skin glistened with a film of cold perspiration as his heart beat (for some reason I thought ‘thumped’ or ‘pounded’ would work better here instead of beat) frantically in his chest.
Vanessa clung to him, no comma and screamed when a beast in the dark roared savagely.
'Get down!' Ira growled, lunging for the wall on his left and diving into a trench.
He dragged Vanessa down into the gutter with him, shouting when she landed on his leg.
'Sorry,' she breathed, holding onto him.
'Just shut up,' he snarled at her in a low voice, peering over the edge of the trench cautiously. It was too dark to see anything.
Silence reigned the corridor, semicolon the only sound Ira could detect was Vanessa's breathing as wellas his blood pounding pounded in his ears. His skin was coated with a film of perspiration despite the frigid air, and his hair stood on end. He could scarcely breathe. Something was coming. Something terrible.
...His vision was taken over by a white light, and then ithe saw a dead face covered in blood. He had seen that face in the many nightmares that had plagued him for the past six years of his life. He heard screams of agony of one man and snarling monsters that soon silenced that scream. Ira held his breath, unable to erase the face from his vision. A cry built up in his chest but he dared not breathe, clenching his teeth tightly together. The snarls faded away until all that was left was silence. The face's eyes slowly began to open, until Ira could see the golden irises. Color returned to the pale, dead skin and to Ira's horror it became a Wolf's head. Black fur unfurled all over Louis’s hulking body as his hands and feet lengthened into sharp claws was it just me, or didn‘t you describe Louis‘s wolf form as white with a black stripe in a previous chapter? Now here he‘s black? . Fangs sprouted through his gums with a spray of blood and his tongue lolled out of his mouth, dripping with foaming saliva. He looked at Ira, his eyes glimmering with hatred and a thirst for revenge.
The last thing Ira saw was the Wolf lunging for his throat... this leaves a lot of questions for me. So did he actually get hurt by Louis here? Or did he pass out and he was saved? Was he bitten and became a wolf himself? I have no idea.
... Ira gasped suddenly, clutching his throat. He was in the gutter still, and Vanessa was by his side. It was still silent. What had just happened?
He felt Vanessa at his side, rigid all over like a board. She was holding her breath as well.
He began to breathe something into her ear, but was interrupted by a sudden crash, followed by a rumble and another roar. The rumbling continued in a lumbering two and a half beat rhythm. It could only be footsteps. I don’t know what a two and a half beat rhythm is.
Something was coming their way, Ira realized that, as well as the fact of whatever it was, it was enormous, and there was no one among them who knew exactly what it could be this sentence is wordy. It was coming their way, Ira realized. Something enormous. . After years as an Eradicator he was positive he had encountered every creature imaginable comma but perhaps he was wrong.
He swallowed, peering over the edge of the gutter. He saw a light floating in the dark, dipping down and then raising up with each step. It had to be at least eight feet off the ground. He could see some form of mass just behind the rays of light as it approached; massive arms that seemed to drag the ground, muscles rippling under gray skin.
It appeared to be holding something in one hand. The way that it rattled and shook, Ira supposed it was a chain.
The creature paused and looked from side to side, sniffing the air. It roared, this time it was so close that they could not bear the weight of the sound. It seemed to grip Ira’s body like an invisible hand and squeeze him until he could have popped like a balloon under too much pressure. Vanessa covered her ears and screamed, choking on a sob.
‘Shh!’ he growled, covering her mouth with one hand.
The creature lunged forward, using the chain like a whip. Ira watched as it soared diagonally across the corridor where the other men had hidden. The chain hit the ground with so much force that the stone floor broke like glass, and sent debris and dust flying in all directions.
‘Fuck!’ Ira shouted, pulling out his shotgun.
He sat up on his hands and knees and then aimed, firing both barrels at the monster. The buckshot merely glanced off its skin as though it was nothing more than a fistful of pebbles thrown to the ground.
It was just enough to draw its attention away from the other men. It roared at him and then flung back the chain, poised to throw it back at him.
‘Oh shit...’ Ira panted, pulling Vanessa off the ground as he struggled to his feet.
She put his arm around her shoulders and allowed him to lean on her, though even with her help they only made three strides before that chain came slamming down behind them. The sheer force of the impact sent them flying a few feet down the hall and sliding into a rusty metal grate.
Ira kicked it open with his good leg and then pushed Vanessa into the cramped tunnel before he backed inside as well. Panting heavily, he picked up his gun again and began to reload with trembling fingers.
‘Stay here,’ he said to Vanessa, ‘Got that?’
Without waiting for a reply, he scrambled out of the tunnel and into the open again, firing one shot at the creature’s head. Still the buckshot did not even scratch the surface of its skin.
The beast’s light fell over him and he heard the chain rattle as it prepared to swing for him.
He dropped to the ground face down just as the chain swung over his head, and as he stood back up two of his men tackled him back down on his back.
‘Sorry!’ one of them panted, helping him back up to his feet.
Ira looked at them angrily, but instead of yelling at them he snatched the first man by his shoulder and pointed toward the other side of the corridor, shouting, ‘Get back to where it can’t see you!’
They helped him to run into the gutter and they all laid back on their stomachs, peering over the edge to see the creature as it searched for them.
‘Motherfucker has skin thicker than Wolf hide,’ Ira growled through his teeth, breathing heavily, ‘Shotgun shells ain’t enough. And I doubt that rifle of yours’ll do any help, Johnny.’
The first man looked unsuredly at his gun, and then lookedat Ira, 'What the hell is that thing anyway?’
The monster roared angrily and swung at the wall just above them. Ira covered his head with both arms, trying to shield himself from the flying debris. He peered over the edge of the gutter, hardly able to see the light through the cloud of dust on the air.
'Hell if I know...’ Ira grunted, 'I don’t even know where we are.’
‘Then how are we supposed to take it down?’ asked the other man, his voice trembling.
‘Who’s to say we will, Pete?’ Ira grunted.
At that same instant the chain came whooshing downward, leaving Ira and the other two no time at all to roll out of the way. Ira felt his entire body lift off the ground, as though gravity had suddenly left the earth. He smacked back down to the floor abruptly, cracking his head against the hard rock.
Dazed, he looked up at the creature as it lumbered toward them, its light nearly blinding him as it approached. It swung back its arm, the chain catching the light in a glimmering arc as it flew backward. The creature seemed to be shifting all of its strength into this last swing. Ira knew it was all over for him. His empire would fall at the hands of some unknown beast in the dark underground. And nobody would ever know.

(end of part 1)

I really liked the troll fight (at least I imagine it as a troll). You never gave us any description of it besides grey skin and flaying arms and a chain, so we can only assume. It reminded me of the troll in the first Lord of the Rings movie.
The fight was interesting to me when Ira had to lean on Vanessa. I thought that’s how the whole fight was going to be x) I thought that since Ira can’t walk he was going to have Vanessa carry him around while he aimed at the beast trying to kill it x) But I suppose that would’ve been pretty dumb of him, they both would’ve been killed lol
I was just a little confused at where Ira was injured. You told us when he tried to stand up he began clutching his knee, so I assumed that was where he had broken it.

I thought it was a little cheap that you had two characters named Johnny and Pete. Honestly, the names you’ve been using so far have been exotic, and it’s really noticeable when you throw in two named so boringly. It’s like you just thought ‘hey, I’ve got two minor characters that need to talk in this chapter. Since they don’t really matter, I’ll just give them some boring, common names.’ Or maybe you did it subconsciously, I don’t know. But it was painfully obvious to me.

What else, what else. Oh, I’m not sure what to think about Ira’s relationship with his brother anymore. The way he flashbacked to that scene, it sounded like he held a ton of fear and regret of that moment. Why else would it haunt him? So that surprised me. Also, I already said it, but the scene ended a little too abruptly. What happened to Ira after Louis turned? I’d like to know.

Sorry if these reviews sound harsher than usual x) You know I’ll always be your fan no matter what.