A Boy and His Violin

A Boy and His Violin



The sun had failed to shine
as I had stopped to find
your music was so loud and clear
meant for someone you hold dear.

Your hands made a motion
much like waves on the ocean.
A snowy day, it was unfair
snowflakes nestled in your hair.

The cloudy sky, it seemed so dim.
As you sat atop the fountains rim.
Vibrating strings
told stories of such things
of heart breaking lies.
Hoping it was just a disguise.

You are a boy with a violin,
much more than I could have ever been.
You squint your eyes in hate
and the rich sound makes my heart ache.

I knew that what we once shared
could never be repaired.
Once the damage has been done
there was no time left to run.

You see,

for your violin loved you,
and I knew that it was true

And you loved your violin.
In love like we once had been.

Because you are a boy with a violin
and I know that I could never win.
You show your emotions
through the motions
of your hand.

I look into your eyes.
And with no replies.
I leave you atop the fountains rim.
The sky so dark and dim.
My heart so lost and grim.

I really enjoyed this It was a nice length, and it held really lovely imagery. The concept was pretty easy to understand, yet at the same time managed to keep fairly original. It was really emotive, and the language allowed it to attain a personal edge. I really liked the idea of this poem, and the images were wonderful!
The only line I don't understand is 'A snowy day, it was unfair', it didn't really make sense to me, but I still really enjoyed reading
Well done!

Hi...
It was a good piece...
Very well versed and rhymed in a good flow...
I could imagine the boy playing the violin in front of me....
Some nitpicks

Because you are a boy with a violin
and I know that I could never win.
You show your emotions
threw the motions
of your hand.

here did you mean threw or through?

All in all it was a good piece...
Keep up the good work...
PM me for anything

Hello! Booky here to review-comments are in bold!
My hair whipped from side to sideOh dear. Been listening to a bit too much Willow Smith have we?
as I had stopped to find
your music was so loud and clear
meant for someone you hold dear.This rhyme set bores me! Adjectives my dear!

Your hands made a motion
much like waves on the ocean.
A snowy day, it was unfair
snowflakes nestled in your hair.Much better

The cloudy sky, it seemed so dim.
As you sat atop the fountains rim.
Vibrating strings
told stories of such things
of heart breaking lies.
Hoping it was just a disguise.

I knew that what we once shared
could never be repaired.
Once the damage has been done
there was no time left to run.

You see,
for your violin loved you,Very excellent use of personification to express a point
and I knew that it was true

And you loved your violin.
In love like we once had been.

Because you are a boy with a violin
and I know that I could never win.
You show your emotions
through the motions
of your hand.

I look into your eyes.
And with no replies.
I leave you atop the fountains rim.
The sky so dark and dim.
My heart so lost and grim.Brilliant ending
Major suggestion...86 the rhyming! It's superfluous, and can be such hassle! This poem has real potential!

Hello! Booky here to review-comments are in bold!
My hair whipped from side to sideOh dear. Been listening to a bit too much Willow Smith have we?
as I had stopped to find
your music was so loud and clear
meant for someone you hold dear.This rhyme set bores me! Adjectives my dear!

Your hands made a motion
much like waves on the ocean.
A snowy day, it was unfair
snowflakes nestled in your hair.Much better

The cloudy sky, it seemed so dim.
As you sat atop the fountains rim.
Vibrating strings
told stories of such things
of heart breaking lies.
Hoping it was just a disguise.

I knew that what we once shared
could never be repaired.
Once the damage has been done
there was no time left to run.

You see,
for your violin loved you,Very excellent use of personification to express a point
and I knew that it was true

And you loved your violin.
In love like we once had been.

Because you are a boy with a violin
and I know that I could never win.
You show your emotions
through the motions
of your hand.

I look into your eyes.
And with no replies.
I leave you atop the fountains rim.
The sky so dark and dim.
My heart so lost and grim.Brilliant ending
Major suggestion...86 the rhyming! It's superfluous, and can be such hassle! This poem has real potential!

You might as well be saying...

"oh Matt, I love you, oh Matt, can you see me?

I watch and stalk you every day, and pray you see me...

Do you even know I exist, or am I just another girl,

lost in the crowd of the audience?

I love you with all my heart, but deep down inside I know...

You love your violin more then me... for this I am

Jealous...

So I have to fill my mind with fantasies...

about what we could have had, and say we really had it.

I dream about you and me, lost in our own little world,

just a couple.

But for now, your just a boy with a violin,

and I'm just a girl with the same talent,

but the difference is, that your love,

still remains for someone else.

And for this I know I must move on,

but it is just so hard, so instead I weep,

and pray, that tomorrow you will change your mind..."

Anyway, you could actually use this as a poem... and its the truth!
Love you 4eva like a sista, CassidyRose...

I'll always be here for ya.

Once again, I am reviewing this poem, but only to write random stuff on it. So anyway... I love how you are telling me and

all of our friends how you soo don't like Matt still, when it is OBVIOUS you do... and our group knows it. Especially since this

poem shows you still have feelings for Matt. Don't worry, I think that it is adorable. I think it is okay for you to still like

someone, even when you are saying you don't, as that is what I do a lot. The fact that you wrote this poem is a good way to

express your feelings(sarcasm here) and everything else. It sure beats a shrink, that's for sure. Anyway, the main reason

why I am reviewing this again is to get points... but I won't brag that I have 200 more then you!

So to anyone else who is reading this, cheer me on and hope I win and at the end have more points then her!

anyway, go read her poems and stuff and otherwise you will feel the wrath of me... and her!

CassidyRose

Hello again! Once again, there are quite a few reviews, so I'll quickly apologize for the same things I had apologized for before. xD

Now, to get started, I'll have to say that this poem had its up and down moments. The first stanza wasn't what got me hooked. It wasn't the beginning of the poem that got me hooked at all. So, I suppose I'll start with the negatives (as usual) and work on the positives in the end.

The first thing I'll tell you is that, again, the rhyme scheme seemed to take away some things. Honestly though, I wouldn't feel too bad about that. I rarely like poems that rhyme (and if I do, they're some pretty amazing poems). It seemed to make things a bit choppy and it just didn't flow very well in most places.

Also, I'm going to have to use quite a few quotes here:

lovethelifeulive wrote:My hair whipped from side to side

Your very first line had me scrunching up my nose a bit in confusion. It just didn't seem to sit well with the rest of the stanza. The mental image I got was of one of those really bad, newbie actresses looking around a little too frantically after hearing their name called or something. (You know, when they look around unrealistically fast rather than scan their surroundings)

lovethelifeulive wrote:Your hands made a motion
much like waves on the ocean.
A snowy day, it was unfair
snowflakes nestled in your hair.

I didn't like the second line here. 'waves on the ocean' just seemed a bit overused to me. There are so many other descriptions you could have used. It might seem that I'm being a little too picky here, but it's all intentional. (That's what reviews are for, right? xD)
The second bit... well I just didn't get it. Especially the lines in bold. I don't get what was unfair about it... that snowflakes were topping his head? It seemed like you were just trying to force a rhyme.

lovethelifeulive wrote:Vibrating strings
told stories of such things
of heart breaking lies.
Hoping it was just a disguise.

The first line looked promising, I swear it did. The second line, however, just didn't work well with me. Neither did the last line for two reasons: One: Disguises = cliché. Two: It just doesn't really make sense or fit with the poem. It was yet another bit that seemed like a forced rhyme that you threw in just for the sake of the rhyme scheme.

lovethelifeulive wrote:I knew that what we once shared
could never be repaired.
Once the damage has been done
there was no time left to run.

Okay, this is the last quote I'll do, since I feel bad for using them so much now. (Actually, I have one more to use, but that's for a bit that I really, really liked. So it doesn't count. Anyways...)
The first two lines were extremely clichéd. Repairing of emotions or the heart or past relationship... nyeh, it's just an incredibly overused way of describing things.
And then the very last line... it's cliché and it was just another thing that didn't quite fit. Once again-- it sounded like it was stuffed there just for the sake of a rhyming scheme.

Now that that's over, I am going to point out a part of this that I really liked:

lovethelifeulive wrote:You show your emotions
through the motions
of your hand.

This bit was awesome. I'm not quite sure what it was, but I loved this. It was provoking and used beautiful imagery. It popped, and you made your point with it.

And, just like that line, this whole poem has potential. It just needs a lot of tweaking, and it could probably turn out extremely powerful.

~~Cass

I enjoyed this!

My hair whipped from side to side
as I had stopped to find
your music was so loud and clear
meant for someone you hold dear. yes, the rhyme is quite simple, as mentioned by the users above

Your hands made a motion
much like waves on the ocean. I like this comparison, made me imagine it mentally.
A snowy day, it was unfair
snowflakes nestled in your hair.

The cloudy sky, it seemed so dim.
As you sat atop the fountains rim.
Vibrating strings
told stories of such things
of heart breaking lies.
Hoping it was just a disguise.

I knew that what we once shared plain rhyme again
could never be repaired.
Once the damage has been done
there was no time left to run.

You see, I like this two verses with the personification.
for your violin loved you,
and I knew that it was true

And you loved your violin. And these two as well
In love like we once had been.

Because you are a boy with a violin
and I know that I could never win.
You show your emotions
through the motions
of your hand.

I look into your eyes.
And with no replies.
I leave you atop the fountains rim.
The sky so dark and dim.
My heart so lost and grim. Good ending.

So, I liked this poem all in all. There are some sequences where the tehnical aspects such as rhyme and rhythm can be improved, but overall it is a nice poem.