Find Me

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Please note that I am a dyslexic, I ask that you do not critique me on my punctuation, I know full well I am not good at it. thanks,
~Shadow~


Find me. I'm alone, and I miss you.

The warmth of the afternoon sun is starting to fade away, I can see dark clouds forming in the distance,they look like an army of towering angry giants. they look like they're coming to get me. There is the smell of rain and I can just make out the distant murmurs of thunder. There's a cold breeze now, it blows my hair into my face.

Find me. I can't move, I'm still lying here, where you left me.

What's that!? Something is moving in the bushes just where I can't see it but, I can hear it snuffling. Oh good, it was just a squirrel. There he goes up that big pine tree, his home must be someone up there. I wonder what it's like to be a squirrel? I know it's a queer thought but I have always wondered. It must be fun scampering around in the woods, then suddenly dash up a tree. Squirrels can run so terribly fast, I wish I could but I can't, I can't even walk. I'm afraid, it's–it's starting to get dark.

Find me. Are you coming? Do you even care if I'm not there?

It's getting darker. I'm on my back looking up at the sky, I can see some stars, and I can clearly see the bank of clouds that is the storm front. The black clouds now look more like hungry monsters than giants. It makes me sad to see the happy little stars being eaten by the cloud monsters. I wonder if the other stars are afraid as they see the cloud monsters coming. If they are afraid they don't show it, they're twinkling and shining as bright as ever. It's almost like their defying the cloud monsters, daring them to eat them, they must be very brave. I wish I was that brave, but I'm not. I want you right now, I want you to hold me and tell me it's going to be all right.

Please, find me. Why aren't you here yet? Have I done something wrong?

It's all dark now. The black cloud monsters have eaten all the little stars, I don't even have them for company. I felt sorry for the last little star, he held out so bravely, he twinkled and sparkled even though all his friends had been eaten by the black cloud monsters. I prayed they wouldn't eat him, my prayer was selfish though, I didn't want to be left alone. I prayed, and wished, and will so hard that it hurt. but then eventually he was consumed by the black cloud monsters. Now I am truly alone. The thunder is louder now, and the rain has started. I hear it pitter-pattering on the leaves all around me, I can smell the earth now. The rain hits my face, it gets into my eyes, I wish I could blink. The raindrops run down the sides of my face, like tears would if I could cry.

You won't find me. I've given up hope, you won't be coming out anyway it's past your bedtime.

I'm all alone, I'm wet, I'm cold, and I really miss you.

It has been raining for almost an hour, and completely soaked. If you ever do find me will you still want me? I can't see anything now it's completely dark. The sun has gone down long ago, I can't even see the lights from the house. I wonder what you're doing, I wonder what you're thinking, do you ever wonder what I'm thinking? For some strange reason my thoughts drift back to last night, I was lying next to you in bed and I was watching you sleep. I was watching your face change as you were dreaming, I wondered what you were dreaming was it happy? Or sad? And then suddenly you gave a little laugh, and made a contented little sleep noise and snuggled deeper into the blankets. I wanted to hug you tight and kiss your cheek. Do you know how much I love you? I love you so much it hurts somewhere deep inside me. Even though you forgot me or don't care anymore I still love you, and I'll keep on loving you till the end. Wait! What's that? It looks like a light coming from the house. Did your father turn on the porch light to let the dog out? No, that light is moving. There are two lights now, flashlights?

You found me. You do still care. You do love me.

I heard your boots splashing in the puddles before I saw you. Your flashlight was waving all around, you shining it everywhere except on me. I was afraid you wouldn't see me, but then you turned, the flashlight shone right in my eyes and blinded me for a second. I couldn't see you but I heard you shout and your footsteps coming closer. You scooped me up into your arms even though I was soaking wet, you cradled me tenderly, and you told me you loved me and that you were so sorry. No,it's me who should be sorry. I'm sorry I doubted you. I should have known better, I should have known you would come looking for me, that you love me and you wouldn't rest till you found me. you hold me protectively underneath your rain jacket, hugging me so close that I make a big wet patch on your pajamas. We're walking next to your father now, he's saying something about putting me in the dryer or hanging me up near the fireplace. I smile as you say that you won't go to bed without me, and I smile even wider when your father says you can stay up and wait till I'm dry.

As we walk towards the house I snuggled closer and listen to your heart beat. I love you so much it hurts somewhere deep inside me, and I know you love me back.
Last edited by Shadowlight on Sun Jan 09, 2011 1:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"D*** the torpedoes! Four bells! Full speed ahead!"~ Admiral David Farragut




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I loved this.

I will say that I personally think this is very different from the style that you usually use, and it turned out very well. I especially liked the short sentences between the paragraphs. They really helped set the tone for me.

Two simple little things that I just noticed that you may want to change the wording on:

It's dark now, I can't see anything around me. I'm on my back looking up at the sky, I can see some stars, and I can clearly see the bank of clouds that is the storm front.


And then directly below:

Find me. Are you coming? Do you even care if I'm not there?

It's dark now, I can't see anything around me.


The only thing I would suggest is changing the wording on the first one, maybe something like "It's getting darker now", as to me it doesn't show enough differentiation.

Other than that, I thought it was very well done indeed. :) Very simple and adorable, even a little bittersweet. And you know how I adore bittersweet.

I know that this is probably a fairly useless review, but what can I say? I'm rusty. Consider yourself lucky for getting my first review in a loooong while.

PM/email/send smoke signals if you have any questions, or just want to smack me around for being so useless!

~Sachi <3
"Funniest Member -- Sachiko. Secretly the devil. Do not engage. I repeat, do not engage." -- Iggy

"Behold ye babes of grammar: the goddess Sachiko. She does what she wants." -- Lauren2010




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It's getting darker. I'm on my back looking up at the sky, I can see some stars, and I can clearly see the bank of clouds that is the storm front. The black clouds now look more like hungry monsters than giants. It makes me sad to see the happy little stars being eaten by the cloud monsters.


I kinda like that you thought the stars might be afraid to be eaten by the clouds.. creatively amusing..




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The overall idea is great, and you are doing great job with using both short and long sentences, it makes the story more real. I've got only one question, why do you repeat the phrase "I love you so much it hurts somewhere deep inside me." two times in different paragraphs? Maybe you wanted to emphasize it, but it my opinion it doesn't work, it's simply repeating exactly the same phrase.
Anyway, I like this work, it touched me from the first sentence!



“Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion.”
— Dylan Thomas