Prologue- Iris Carter

Yet another beginning. This is similar to another prologue i posted, but more in depth. Thanks!

Prologue- Secret Club House:

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams -John Barrymore

Sam and I were the most destructive fourth grader’s the world had ever seen.
Together we managed to destroy the town’s fountain, set the city Christmas tree on fire more than once, blow up a good section of city hall and create a hole in the town’s center that we insisted went all the way to China. Somehow, we never got caught though, and faulty wiring seemed to take the blame most often.
“Sam, seriously that match isn’t going to light itself,” I murmured.
“I know, I know, give me a second.”
She pulled the very flammable piece of wood out of the box, and struck it against the rough patch on the cardboard. It flared up instantly, and she hurriedly held it to the stack of newspapers I’d gathered from my front porch.
They went up in flames, and heat spread through my body.
“Thank god. I was freezing,” Sam shivered.
“Awesome. Now we can get down to business,” I shuffled through my lap full of yellowing paper. On each sheet was a crudely drawn picture of a floor plan, and I spread them over the floor of our club house.
They fit nicely on the fluffy green rug, and I slid off my plastic chair to the rough wood boards below.
Sam added a log to our little stove. We weren’t supposed to be around regular stoves, let alone one with very dangerous flames, inside a highly combustible hut.
Luckily for us, Sam’s parents didn’t really pay much attention to her. Actually, I’d only ever seen her mother on one occasion, and that was fleeting.
So we mostly stayed out in our club house and stole things that people were throwing out. We’d gotten this stove when her extremely ancient neighbors croaked. Their son was just going to bring it to the dump, but we managed to drag it away. The guy was concerned at first, but after a while he reasoned that it was less work for him.
My parents knew nothing of this secret place we hung out, and they would never find out, if our pact held. We vowed never to let anyone in on our secret, and I would always keep that promise. Hopefully Sam would too.
We happily examined the plans for our next heist, hoping everything would go as planned. Then, after an hour or two, we left our fort with a feeling of satisfaction.
We were going to test the security on the nearest bank. Or in other words, we were going to break in.
Now, we weren’t criminals, we weren’t going to take anything, but we thought it’d be fun to see if we could get passed all the safe guards put on the bank. So we trotted towards the small brick building knowing it was more menacing than it looked.
Once inside, we managed to sneak around everyone. For some reason, Sam had told me we didn’t need to worry about being seen by the cameras. I didn’t really understand her logic on that, but I trusted her.
And then we were behind the desks, looking up at the huge vault door. We knew that even though this place didn’t have super high tech stuff, this door would be heavily guarded with what ever they had.
Sam grabbed my hand. “Okay, you have to promise not to scream.”
I nodded, then suddenly air was whooshing in my hair, and I could see the ground coming up from beneath me.
My shoulder slammed into the ground, and I grunted in pain. Sam, of course, had performed a perfect summersault landing, and I rolled my eyes in her general direction.
I couldn’t see my feet in the thick blackness that surrounded the tunnel, but I knew which way I was supposed to be heading in. Somehow I could sense Sam in front of me, and I moved towards her faint outline. We needed to stay close in order for the next step to work.
The next thing I knew, we were zooming back upwards. The piece of rock that we’d been standing on was pushing us towards the top of the cave at alarming speed.
“Sam…” I warned, but she didn’t seem to be listening to me.
I whimpered as the tip of a stalactite passed by my head.
“Sam!” I screamed, as I ducked down, trying to avoid smashing against the stone.
Then suddenly it was gone, and we were in the vault.
“You jerk! Waiting until the last second to split that rock open was not cool!” I whispered hoarsely.
She just grinned and poked at a pile of money, causing it to fall over. Immediately, alarms went off, and footsteps echoed in the chamber outside of this one.
“Crap.” Sam quickly slammed the hole in the floor shut and I gaped at her.
“That was our only escape!”
“But they would have seen us. It was too risky.”
“Why would that be? All they would have figured out was that we were going down a hole. And then you could have closed it up before they saw our faces,” I was a little confused as to the always faithful Sam was letting me down now.
She shushed me, and the door swung open to reveal several people. One was wearing a police uniform, the other four were wearing tuxes.
“Where did the man with you go?!” the police officer asked urgently.
“He-He went…” Then to my surprise Sam burst into tears.
What man? I was confused, but I guess I gave off the vibes of being a scared little kid because the officer came into the vault and knelt down on his knees.
“It’s okay, I just need you to tell me what happened. No one’s going to hurt you anymore.”
I stared at him with a mixture of surprise and disbelief. No one had been hurting me before, so I didn’t get what he was saying.
Sam didn’t speak, but let the fake tears swim their way down her distraught face.
“What’s your name, darling?” the officer asked.
“Sam,” she whispered.
“Can you explain what happened?” he repeated.
“That mean guy with the red hair grabbed us, and told us if we didn’t what he told us to, then he was going to kill my mommy.” she whimpered.
Sheesh, she was acting like a kindergartner. I looked away, slightly embarrassed for her, but the cop was eating it up.
“Okay, well, we’ll get you home now, and you can see your mommy again. Nothing’s going to happen to her, it’s going to be all right,” he reassured her.
This whole thing just kept getting weirder and weirder.
Before I knew what was happening the police man grabbed our hands and lead us out of the vault, while some other guy called our families.
We were shipped off to our homes, and my mom was in tears for the next few days about my supposed kidnapping. I didn’t get to leave my house once for the next week, but then my dad put his foot down and made me go to school.
When I got there, Sam’s seat was vacant. I sat by myself at lunch, and didn’t talk to a single person.
Eventually I got the nerve to sneak over to the club house. To my surprise, inside I found Sam, throwing something into the blazing fire.
“No more breaking the law,” she said bluntly.
“Uh, okay? But…”
“I can’t. I’m not allowed. We aren’t going to do this anymore,” her eyes were watery as she chucked another stack of paper in.
“Sure.” I said, agreeing with her, and hoping it was just a phase she would pass out of.
She glared at me, her determination plain, “Iris, we can’t be friends anymore.”
“What are you talking about?”
My confusion was now complete. I didn’t understand a single thing that had occurred between us in the past two weeks. It was like Sam was a completely different person, if the burning of our history together was any indication.
“I’m sorry. I just… maybe you won’t die this way.” She whispered.
I blinked rapidly, before finally finding my voice, “Die? Me?”
Sam was really crying now, but she managed to shove me towards the door. I stumbled and very nearly fell, but she caught me just in time.
“Leave. Get out of here. I never want to see you again,” the words she spoke weren’t special in any way, but the weight behind them, the inflection in the tone made me flinch and do exactly as she said.
Except best friends were never meant to be apart.

Wow, I absolutely love it. From the fist sentence I was totally immersed, I always struggle to find a good opener but you have really got it perfect. This peice did everything a prologue is meant to do, hook the reader. The middle was mysterious, but not confusing so much that you can't figure out what is going on. The next bit though, was really confusing, which I'm sure it was meant to be. Then leading to the end I really wanted to find out what was going on. I can't wait to read more.

Nats

This is the best story I have read on this website!
Just like the post above, I was immersed from the first letter to the last period!

This is a very interesting storyline! I am subscribing to this.
Hey, look! Another follower.

I look forward to seeing the chapters to come!

Wow! The opening was very good, and the way you moved from scene to scene so easily had me really hooked, great stuff, i'll definately be following!

Hello! I went to go review the other chapters, but I then came here to review the prologue first. It sounds like an interesting start to a series, makes me wonder what the later chapters will begin. Prologues always have the ability to hint at future stuff. I like your characters in this prologue, though, and the trouble that they get into.

Sam and I were the most destructive fourth graders that the world had ever seen.

You don't need the apostrophe and I think that the sentence flows better with the addition of 'that.'

set the city's Christmas tree on fire more than once

You could use the apostrophe there, though.

Somehow, we never got caught though, and faulty wiring seemed to take the blame most often.

The sentence feels a bit clunky with both of those words. I'm more in favor of the 'though' getting deleted, but I also think that the sentence could work well without the 'somehow.'

“Sam, seriously, that match isn’t going to light itself,” I murmured.

Needs a comma right there. Also, you might be able to move the name over and have it work as a better pause. "Seriously, Sam, that match isn't going to light itself." See?

She pulled the very flammable piece of wood out of the box, and struck it against the rough patch on the cardboard.

Mostly just a nitpick, but we know that it's a match, so therefore we know the qualities of a match and I don't think that you need to put too much detail into the description. Besides, when I think of 'very flammable' in regards to a match, I think you just need to hold it up in the air and it will burst into flames. But, see, this is my opinion, so that's why it's a nitpick most of all.

Sam added a log to our little stove. We weren’t supposed to be around regular stoves, let alone one with very dangerous flames, inside a highly combustible hut. Luckily for us, Sam’s parents didn’t really pay much attention to her. Actually, I’d only ever seen her mother on one occasion, and that was fleeting.

I think that the two paragraphs work better as one, because the line about not being around one kind of stove let alone another kind of stove was a bit random, and the next part at least sort of helps to explain that sentence.

The guy was concerned at first, but after a while he reasoned that it was less work for him.

I think that this sentence is unnecessary and weighs the paragraph down, because who really cares what the neighbor thought?

Or, in other words, we were going to break in.

Needs a comma right there.

Now, we weren’t criminals, we weren’t going to take anything, but we thought it’d be fun to see if we could get passed all the safe guards put on the bank.

I think that you could either use a semicolon instead of the first comma, or you could put that whole thing in dashes. It will just flow better rather than all of the commas.

And then we were behind the desks, looking up at the huge vault door. We knew that even though this place didn’t have super high tech stuff, this door would be heavily guarded with what ever they had.

I'm not a big fan of the 'and then,' but you would have to reword the sentence. Maybe 'Once we got past the desks, we could see the huge vault door.' I also think that 'with whatever they had' is a bit redundant, since you've already said that it was heavily guarded.

I nodded, then suddenly air was whooshing in my hair, and I could see the ground coming up from beneath me.

I have no idea what happened here or for the rest of the scene. All I know that she is suddenly falling, but you make no mention of how she is suddenly falling or where she's really falling to. Yes, we know that she ends up in a tunnel, but what tunnel is it? I think you could just use some more description in here.

And, can I point out that in all of the time they spend chatting after upsetting one pile of money they could have easily have gone down the hole in the ground? You might want to see about shortening the last piece of dialogue in order to make it more believable, or cutting it out entirely. They're supposed to be short on time, so you need to show that.

Beyond that, I am sort of confused as to why the rest of it goes like it did. Mostly, I suppose, because I didn't really understand why they broke into the bank in the first place or how they broke into the bank. But that just might be because I can't see the whole picture just yet.

All in all, I think it's an interesting start of something. I think you could work on slowing down and describing more of the events, but I think that it's a decent start and that most of the problems will be explained once we see just what's going on. Some of this stuff just feels sudden and that's why the break up over the friends doesn't hit me as much as it should. I have no idea what's going on in Sam's head because Iris isn't giving me any clues. But, it shows great promise.

The opening line was epic. Loved it. It really grabs attention, which is exactly what you need.
I was very sad by the end of it. Poor Iris! Losing her best friend like that! How could Sam say that?
You better have a damn good explanation for that! (Sorry, don't mean to sound rude but I just felt so bad for her!)
But making people empathize with your characters is really good. Most people can't do that but you did it in the first chapter!
I hope for more soon!

Well, I actually have ch. 1 and two posted, but I'm doing a lot of editing on them so I don't know if you want to read them yet. =) I can let you know when they are done though!

Hey there!

Wow, this is really good. It's extremely interesting, and fun to read. There are a few awkward parts, but I'll help you point those out. I'm going to do a huge review for this, mainly because I believe it has so much potential!

Quotes 'N' Comments

Sam and I were the most destructive fourth grader’s the world had ever seen.

What the? Fourth graders! I work with kids for a living, and though that age might fit the story you are trying to write, and it even fits the dialogue pretty well, it does not fit the actions they are conducting. These kids must be abnormally smart and ambitious for their age (and must have really, really lazy parents who don't care that their child is doing whatever) or your view on ages might be a bit off. Fourth graders are very adventurous, and at the camp I work at, are the worst age to watch. They are at the age where they are getting wittier, and like to argue. However, they are not smart enough to conduct the operation that your characters just did. Unless they live in a fantasy world and have magical powers, fourth graders would never be able to sneak into a bank, nor would they want to. I'd stick to small operations if I were you, or make them a tad bit older, 6th grade should be good.

blow up a good section of city hall and create a hole in the town’s center that we insisted went all the way to China.

Now, this is cute. And very creative. However, it's completely unrealistic, and pretty much impossible for two 10-year-olds. I'd suggest finding something like this, but easier to understand.

Now, the only other part I specifically want to talk to you about is the scene where they are in the tunnels or something.

My shoulder slammed into the ground, and I grunted in pain. Sam, of course, had performed a perfect summersault landing, and I rolled my eyes in her general direction.

So, they're in a vault, and suddenly they just jump somewhere and fall into this pitch-black tunnel? I don't know much about the layout of banks, but either this doesn't seem right or you are just explaining it awkwardly. I don't know if you made it like this to make it seem like the person they made up that forced them to rob the bank, but either way, it needs some work.

First, you need to give us some sort of visual of a hole or something. Is there a manhole in it? What? And, keeping in mind how high-security banks are - I'm pretty sure banks don't have holes leading to tunnels that lead to where they store all of their money. It just doesn't really work like that. You might want to study a bit what the bank vaults are like, then write this.

I'd like a bit more description of the flying rock. I realize that the flying part could be because this is a fantasy novel. However, your main character doesn't seem very confused. I would have him question this, unless he already knows the reason, then I would have him describe it. Just be sure that your audience isn't confused. It's good to leave things to be questioned, but it's horrible to leave your audience so utterly confused that they don't know whether to read on. If you want to keep these powers your characters seem to have a secret, I'd have your main character talk like it's a normal thing, but never say what the actual power is. Therefore we'll get the idea of whether this is an actual power or just something you messed up on in your writing.

Characters

I have to admit, without going back and reading it, I don't know whether your main character is a boy or a girl. And that's not too bad, but then I think about it - and even though this is just the prologue - I don't really know who your character is. I mean, the gender part isn't a bad thing, but I'd like your character to show some opinions. I really like how you made your character think about his/her friend being a baby. You need to add more of those incidences!

Also, I think the Sam girl? I think that's her name (That's my name, by the way, awesome!). I don't like her. She's that textbook girl you want to have in fantasy stories. Brave, not afraid of anything, and incredibly smart for her age. Even though this is only the prologue, I want to warn you that if you don't add some faults, or negative things in her personality, then she will be far from realistic. Your main character is almost perfect, but Sam is far from it.

Overall

I do like this, don't get thrown by my review that I don't, I really do! Sometime this week I'll go tackle the first and second chapter. I think that this is going somewhere, and you introduced the plot and characters in a very nice way. It's a nice read. It doesn't make you overthink, but doesn't allow you to not think at all. You have a nice writing voice. I think that the one thing that can be improved is your descriptions of things, but I already mentioned that above. Just remember not to rush through things, or they won't make sense. You might want to hurry up and get to the good part - trust me, I do it too! - but the good part won't be good without an awesome story to back it up.

Keep writing,

Classy