The Magi {ch. 4}

I think I have forgotten how to write........ This is horrible I know. It'll get better (i hope)
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Four:
“Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid...for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”

Ava and Kevin stood in the entry of the Magi’s home, looking around the dark hallway. Ava found Kevin’s hand in the darkness and gripped it tightly, gasping for breath from the long walk up the hill to the castle. Kevin flipped a switch, bathing the room in a soft buttery glow. The hallway was empty, say for a door at the end, which stood ajar. The two walked slowly towards it, still holding each other’s hands tightly. Kevin pushed it open, his hand shaking slightly, his eyes darting around the inside of the room.
“Ava look,” he said wonderingly, looking around in awe.
Ava looked inside and gasped. The room was full of free standing doors, some round, some small and some with large windows sat in their middle. Each door had a number 1234 or 1567 or 1923. the closest one to Ava read 1145 and the farthest one down, 1987.
“Kevin, what do these numbers mean?” she said stepping up to look at a door more closely. 1546
“I don’t know Ashes.” He replied from farther down. “This one says 1915. Wonder what that means?”
“I don’t know. And I don’t like it,” she whispered moving to stand behind him.
“Let’s open one,” he suggested stepping towards a door 1534
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” she asked, her voice shaking.
“I can’t think of a better way to find out what’s behind them. Can you?” he said, taking another step closer.
She shook her head and stepped beside him, his hand still clasped in hers. The door swung open at Kevin’s touch, and before the two could glimpse what was inside, a sharp, cold, silver wind picked them up and pulled them in. Slamming the door shut behind them.
*******************************
“Ouch” Ava said, once the wind had dropped her, what felt like several feet.
“Ashes are you okay?” Kevin shouted, some way off.
“Fine just a little jarred,” she shouted back and stood up. My clothes seemed awfully heavy all the sudden. she thought, looking down. And then gasped. Her comfortable Alt-bringer uniform (tee-shirt, soft bullet proof vest and jeans) were gone, replaced by a long wool skirt, long sleeved cotton blouse, wool vest and a long stained apron. “Kevin!” she shouted lifting up her skirt and running to him.
“wha- oh wow” he stared at her in disbelief, his eyes portraying the shock she felt when looking at him. Gone were the frayed at the bottom jeans, dirty sneakers and rock concert tee’s, replaced a long sleeved dull green tunic and brown leggings, looped over scuffed-up black shoes.
“what’s happened?” Ava whispered, reaching up to feel her hair, a long braid; tied with a string.
Before Kevin could answer, another voice came out of the darkness.
“Who’s there?” a young girl stepped out of the darkness of the trees, her skirt sweeping the ground.
“I’m Love. Who are you?” she repeated, staring the two up and down.
“Ava and Kevin,” Ava said glancing sideways at Kevin, signaling to him to stay quiet.
“Them’s odd names, them is,” Love sad matter-o-factly “where ya’ from?”
“aw, here and there,” Ava said pleasantly, “where do you live?”
“back there is where I live.” She waved her hand behind her. “Mam sent me out for wood, and I found some persons instead.” She laughed, her face growing with a smile.
“Need a place to stay?” she said, turning her back on the two and picking up some wood.
“Nah’ we don’t,” Ava said
“Not wise to stay in the woods after dark though is it?” The little girl
“He comes here after dark they say. Never seen him though, Mam and Pap lock up the house tight just before sundown. And nothing will bring them out. Nothing,” Love said shaking her head.
“who is he?” Kevin said, speaking for the first time.
“why the man in the emerald hood. They say he preys on lone travelers in the dark and takes him underground to his lair. I don’t believe it though. There can’t be such a thing. Or he would have stolen a pig when there were no travelers. Mam doesn’t like visitors. But Pap says it’s our duty to take in travelers to protect them. “ and with that she turned and began marching through the forest. “well come on then,” she said turning back to face Ava and Kevin, “we’ll be late for supper if we don’t hurry and Mam won’t like that.” She smiled and turned back, and began walking through the underbrush.
“Kevin, what will we do?” Ava whispered, coming up to take his hand.
“Follow her I guess.”
And so they did.
**************************
“Mam!” Love shouted, dropping the dirty wood on the stone floor “Mam, We’ve got some visitors!”
A woman, her grey hair pulled under a cap, her apron stained came out from behind a dirty curtain.
“Hello,” she said politely, picking up the twigs and underbrush Love had dropped.
“Go help your Pap bring in the horses,” she said ushering Love out the door. “It’s almost sundown”
Love rolled her eyes in Ava’s direction and walked out the door. “Thank you ma’am for giving us a place to stay” Ava said grasiously walking up to her and curtsying.
“what’s the matter with you girl? Am I a queen?” The woman turned and stomped into her kitchen, slamming pots and pans.
“What did I do wrong?” Ava asked Kevin, moving to look out the window. Three little boys were playing outside on a patch of grass, dyed yellow from the sun. A young man and an older man were bringing in cattle from the nearby field. Love, A man around the age of 40 and another girl were bringing in the horses, shouting indistinct words.
“I don’t know,” Kevin replied after a long silence “I really don’t know.”

As Ava opened her mouth to say more, a bell rang and everyone rushed to the door taking Kevin’s hands and shaking them roughly.
“Come,” said Love, taking Ava’s and Kevin’s hand. “It’s time for supper.”
Supper constituted of a runny potato soup and burnt biscuits. Kevin spooned the food into his mouth, made a face and then soaked it up with his biscuit.
Nobody spoke as the meal progressed, except for a “pass the soup,” or “pass the bread.”
Ava inwardly groaned. This is going to be a long night, she thought following Love up the stairs to the attic, where she and Kevin were going to sleep. A long night.

Spoiler

what happened to Ava and Kevin? what are they going to do? And who is this mysterious person who preys on lone travelers? predict what will happen next in your reviews!

Well, I've go to say this intrigued me. I read this chapter, seeing how long the others were. Cramped on time.

My main pet peeve. Grammar. Gotta nit-pick, sorry.

in a soft buttery glow

comma between the soft and buttery.

“Ava look,”

comma between Ava and look.

the closest one

The should be capitailized.

“I don’t know Ashes.”

comma after know.

she whispered moving to stand behind him.

comma after whispered.

a sharp, cold, silver wind picked them up and pulled them in. Slamming the door shut behind them.

Make this joined with a comma.

“Ashes are you okay?”

comma after ashes

“Fine just a little jarred,”

comma after fine.

she shouted lifting up her skirt and running to him

comma after shouted.

The little girl

should there be a said after this?

“well come on then,

comma after well.

she said turning back to face Ava and Kevin,

comma after said.

she said ushering Love out the door.

comma after said.

grasiously

Spelled graciously.

Well that seems to be it. Sorry I tore it apart with the grammar, it's just my biggest pet peeve.

Hi again!

The spoiler is a nitpick, although I probably missed some mistakes near the end. I lose steam after a couple of paragraphs. :p

Spoiler

Ava and Kevin stood in the entry of the Magi’s home, looking around the dark hallway. Ava found Kevin’s hand in the darkness and gripped it tightly, gasping for breath from the long walk up the hill to the castle. Kevin flipped a switch, bathing the room in a soft, buttery glow. The hallway was empty, save for a door at the end, which stood ajar. The two walked slowly towards it, still holding each other’s hands tightly. Kevin pushed it open, his hand shaking slightly, his eyes darting around the inside of the room.
“Ava, look,” he said wonderingly, looking around in awe.
Ava looked inside and gasped. The room was full of free standing doors, some round, some small and some with large windows set in their middle. Each door had a number; 1234 or 1567 or 1923. The closest one to Ava read 1145 and the farthest one down, 1987.
“Kevin, what do these numbers mean?” she said stepping up to look at a door more closely. 1546
“I don’t know Ashes," he replied from farther down. “This one says 1915. Wonder what that means?”
“I don’t know. And I don’t like it,” she whispered moving to stand behind him.
“Let’s open one,” he suggested, stepping towards [s] door 1534.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” she asked, her voice shaking.
“I can’t think of a better way to find out what’s behind them. Can you?” he said, taking another step closer.
She shook her head and stepped beside him, his hand still clasped in hers. The door swung open at Kevin’s touch, and before the two could glimpse what was inside, a sharp, cold, silver wind picked them up and pulled them in, slamming the door shut behind them.
*******************************
“Ouch,” Ava said, once the wind had dropped her, what felt like several feet.
“Ashes are you okay?” Kevin shouted, some way off.
“Fine, just a little jarred,” she shouted back and stood up. My clothes seemed awfully heavy all the sudden, she thought, looking down. And then gasped. Her comfortable Alt-bringer uniform (tee-shirt, soft bullet proof vest and jeans) were gone, replaced by a long wool skirt, long sleeved cotton blouse, wool vest and a long stained apron. “Kevin!” she shouted lifting up her skirt and running to him.
“Wha- oh wow.” He stared at her in disbelief, his eyes portraying the shock she felt when looking at him. Gone were the frayed at the bottom jeans, dirty sneakers and rock concert tee’s, replaced a long sleeved dull green tunic and brown leggings, looped over scuffed-up black shoes.
“what’s happened?” Ava whispered, reaching up to feel her hair, a long braid; tied with a string.
Before Kevin could answer, another voice came out of the darkness.
“Who’s there?” a young girl stepped out of the darkness of the trees, her skirt sweeping the ground.
“I’m Love. Who are you?” she repeated, staring the two up and down.
“Ava and Kevin,” Ava said glancing sideways at Kevin, signaling to him to stay quiet.
“Them’s odd names, them is,” Love sad matter-o-factly. "Where ya’ from?”
“Aw, here and there,” Ava said pleasantly, “where do you live?”
“Back there is where I live.” She waved her hand behind her. “Mam sent me out for wood, and I found some persons instead.” She laughed, her face growing with a smile.
“Need a place to stay?” she said, turning her back on the two and picking up some wood.
“Nah we don’t,” Ava said
“Not wise to stay in the woods after dark though is it?” The little girl said. “He comes here after dark they say. Never seen him though, Mam and Pap lock up the house tight just before sundown. And nothing will bring them out. Nothing,” Love said, shaking her head.
“Who is he?” Kevin said, speaking for the first time.
“Why, the man in the emerald hood. They say he preys on lone travelers in the dark and takes him underground to his lair. I don’t believe it though. There can’t be such a thing. Or he would have stolen a pig when there were no travelers. Mam doesn’t like visitors. But Pap says it’s our duty to take in travelers to protect them." And with that she turned and began marching through the forest. “Well come on then,” she said turning back to face Ava and Kevin, “we’ll be late for supper if we don’t hurry and Mam won’t like that.” She smiled and turned back, and began walking through the underbrush.
“Kevin, what will we do?” Ava whispered, coming up to take his hand.
“Follow her I guess.”
And so they did.
**************************
“Mam!” Love shouted, dropping the dirty wood on the stone floor “Mam, We’ve got some visitors!”
A woman, her grey hair pulled under a cap and her apron stained, came out from behind a dirty curtain.
“Hello,” she said politely, picking up the twigs and underbrush Love had dropped.
“Go help your Pap bring in the horses,” she said ushering Love out the door. “It’s almost sundown”
Love rolled her eyes in Ava’s direction and walked out the door. “Thank you ma’am for giving us a place to stay,” Ava said, graciously walking up to her and curtsying.
“What’s the matter with you, girl? Am I a queen?” The woman turned and stomped into her kitchen, slamming pots and pans.
“What did I do wrong?” Ava asked Kevin, moving to look out the window. Three little boys were playing outside on a patch of grass, dyed yellow from the sun. A young man and an older man were bringing in cattle from the nearby field. Love, a man around the age of 40 and another girl were bringing in the horses, shouting indistinct words.
“I don’t know,” Kevin replied after a long silence. “I really don’t know.”
As Ava opened her mouth to say more, a bell rang and everyone rushed to the door taking Kevin’s hands and shaking them roughly.
“Come,” said Love, taking Ava’s and Kevin’s hand. “It’s time for supper.”
Supper constituted I think 'consisted' would make more sense than 'constituted'... could be just met though. of a runny potato soup and burnt biscuits. Kevin spooned the food into his mouth, made a face and then soaked it up with his biscuit.
Nobody spoke as the meal progressed, except for a “pass the soup,” or “pass the bread.”
Ava inwardly groaned. This is going to be a long night, she thought following Love up the stairs to the attic, where she and Kevin were going to sleep. A long night.

First things first: GREAT job on the dialogue. There were only one or two mistakes, so congrats! (:

This chapter was good, but... I don't know, I thought it was a little jarring. I know it's a fantasy novel, but still... being swept to another world and their attire being changed? I think it would be a little more effective if they opened a few other doors first, and nothing happened. Or they found an odd item behind the door and backed out to try another door. It's just odd that the first door they took took them to another world. You should try to build up to major plot advancements like this one.
Unless, of course, every door is a portal, in which case - totally ignore the last paragraph.

I think you should continue developing your characters. This is a good opportunity to show their emotion and how they react. I mean, a cold wind just carried them away and put them in this odd new place! How did they feel? Confused, lost? Did they view this as an opportunity or a hindrance? And what did they think of the girl's story about the man in the emerald hood? Those are just a few examples, all I'm saying is that there could be more emotion/reaction.

Other than that, good job. You've really got the dialogue and the pace a lot better now, and this is definitely interesting and intriguing. Keep writing! (:

Hey, Pointe.

I'll try my best to keep up with your novel but if I lose concentration or lose my track, don't be mad at me. >.<
If you really need a review or something, I'll try to get one in but we'll have to see how into this I am for me to continue reading. Also, I'm sorry I didn't review the previous two chapters, I felt like I was just going to repeat myself so I decided to do a single review for this chapter and probably give some pointers based on the chapters before too. Anyway, on to the review.

I've noticed that you're still having some difficulty when it come to dialogue tags and what not. Having correct grammar and punctuation is an important part of writing so whenever you have time, try looking through the links that I had given you in the previous reviews. I'm going to keep pushing you until you learn all the tricks so don't mind me if you see me behind you with a stick pointing at your back. I'm just helping. ^.^ That being said, learning the little grammar things and such shouldn't prove to be very difficult task. In fact, you'll find it pretty easy - well, I did anyway. It's kind of easy so I don't think you'll have too much of a problem with it and if you ever feel lost then you can PM me and I'll try to do what I can. Actually from the the first chapter to the fourth, I see some pretty good improvement concerning the dialogue and what not. Very good.

Now, what I have to say about the writing part is what I already mentioned in the previous review for you. For example, keep your pace steady. Again, you seem to be rushing parts. You skip from one scene to another and we don't really get a feel for the little things in your characters lives that lead from one scene to the next. Those little bits can give us some ideas on your characters and we'll get a better generalization of what kind of people your characters are. The little things can give your characters more life so try showing us the little things that they do. Wow, that was the worst explanation ever but hopefully you understand what I'm trying to say.

You need to show more emotion too. They're going one place to another, experiencing different things in every chapter and you're only grazing their emotions just a bit but not giving the full affect. Try bringing out some more action with the characters concerning their inner thoughts and feelings and how they perceive what's going on around them a little more.

Overall, I think you're going along nicely. Sure, there are a few things that you still need to improve on and what not but with time, I'm sure that you'll get better and this story will become even stronger. Continue writing and if you have any further questions, feel free to PM me about them. Sorry if this review is a bit rough and shaky.

-Pink

Hey there Pointe,

Okay, this is my least favourite chapter of all. I want you to show us how all this came about. How did they get there, how come they have no news of the other two members, how is her side going? How is the tension between Ashes and Kev evolving?

Why are they scared of numbered doors? That made no sense at all. Did they have an eerie feeling as they watched the daunting doors? Is there supposed to be people and it's eerily quiet? What's going on? What's happening?

Also, Love's speech was weird. It felt like you were trying to give her a medieval voice, then dropped it altogether. Wait, what? Maybe you should look up some speech, or read a book on medieval times. Even try Youtube: there's always something on there to help us out.

I feel like this was rushed. We're only four chapters in; don't be afraid to flesh out the story!

Can't wait to see where this is headed, though.

Tanya

Four:
“Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid...for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”

Ava and Kevin stood in the entry of the Magi’s home, looking around the dark hallway. Ava found Kevin’s hand in the darkness and gripped it tightly, gasping for breath from the long walk up the hill to the castle. Kevin flipped a switch, bathing the room in a soft buttery glow. After this sentence would be the most appropriate time to describe the house. I’m wondering what kind of room they stepped into. The hallway was empty, say save for a door at the end, which stood ajar. The two walked slowly towards it, still holding each other’s hands tightly. Kevin pushed it open, his hand shaking slightly, his eyes darting around the inside of the room.
“Ava look,” he said wonderingly, looking around in awe.
Ava looked inside and gasped. The room was full of free standing doors, some round, some small and some with large windows sat in their middle. Each door had a number 1234 or 1567 or 1923. The way you said it makes it seem like the doors were only those three numbers, and then you go on to say there are all kinds of four-digit numbers. It would be better worded like ‘Each door had it’s own four-digit number. 1234, 1567, 1923. The one closest to Ava read 1145, and the farthest one down, 1987. the closest one to Ava read 1145 and the farthest one down, 1987.
“Kevin, what do these numbers mean?” she said stepping up to look at a door more closely. 1546
“I don’t know Ashes.” He replied from farther down. “This one says 1915. Wonder what that means?”
“I don’t know. And I don’t like it,” she whispered moving to stand behind him.
“Let’s open one,” he suggested stepping towards a door 1534
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” she asked, her voice shaking.
“I can’t think of a better way to find out what’s behind them. Can you?” he said, taking another step closer.
She shook her head and stepped beside him, his hand still clasped in hers. The door swung open at Kevin’s touch, and before the two could glimpse what was inside, a sharp, cold, silver wind picked them up and pulled them in. Slamming the door shut behind them. Nice cliffhanger!
*******************************
“Ouch” Ava said, once the wind had dropped her, what felt like several feet.
“Ashes are you okay?” Kevin shouted, some way off.
“Fine just a little jarred,” she shouted back and stood up. My clothes seemed awfully heavy all the sudden. she thought, looking down. Should be ‘My clothes seem awfully heavy all of the sudden, she thought, looking down.‘And then gasped. Her comfortable Alt-bringer uniform (tee-shirt, soft bullet proof vest and jeans) were gone, replaced by a long wool skirt, long sleeved cotton blouse, wool vest and a long stained apron. “Kevin!” she shouted lifting up her skirt and running to him.
“wha- oh wow” he stared at her in disbelief, his eyes portraying the shock she felt when looking at him. Gone were the frayed at the bottom jeans, dirty sneakers and rock concert tee’s, which were replaced by a long sleeved dull green tunic and brown leggings, looped over scuffed-up black shoes.
“what’s happened?” Ava whispered, reaching up to feel her hair, a long braid; tied with a string.
Before Kevin could answer, another voice came out of the darkness.
“Who’s there?” a young girl stepped out of the darkness of the trees, her skirt sweeping the ground. You need more description of the girl. How old would you say she was? Besides a long skirt, what else was she wearing? Was it similar to Ava’s new outfit? What color was her hair and skin? I’m having a hard time picturing her.
Also, you need lots more description of the world they were just swept up into. I mean, the first thing they should take notice of is where they are, and probably what time of day it is. You haven’t given us any information on that part yet.
“I’m Love. Who are you?” she repeated, staring the two up and down. Since you decided to give her a southern accent, how come she pronounces this clearly? It should sound more like ‘I be Love. Who er you?”
“Ava and Kevin,” Ava said glancing sideways at Kevin, signaling to him to stay quiet.
“Them’s odd names, them is,” Love sad matter-o-factly “where ya’ from?”
“aw, here and there,” Ava said pleasantly, “where do you live?”
“back there is where I live.” She waved her hand behind her. “Mam sent me out for wood, and I found some persons instead.” She laughed, her face growing with a smile.
“Need a place to stay?” she said asked, turning her back on the two and picking up some wood.
“Nah’ we don’t,” Ava said
“Not wise to stay in the woods after dark though is it?” The little girl said
“He comes here after dark they say. Never seen him though, Mam and Pap lock up the house tight just before sundown. And nothing will bring them out. Nothing,” Love said shaking her head.
“who is he?” Kevin said, speaking for the first time.
“why the man in the emerald hood. They say he preys on lone travelers in the dark and takes him underground to his lair. I don’t believe it though. There can’t be such a thing. Or he would have stolen a pig when there were no travelers. Mam doesn’t like visitors. But Pap says it’s our duty to take in travelers to protect them. “ and with that she turned and began marching through the forest. “well come on then,” she said turning back to face Ava and Kevin, “we’ll be late for supper if we don’t hurry and Mam won’t like that.” She smiled and turned back, and began walking through the underbrush. This sentence sounds strange. ‘She gave them another smile, and then turned to walk back through the underbrush.
“Kevin, what will we do?” Ava whispered, coming up to take his hand.
“Follow her I guess.”
And so they did.
**************************
“Mam!” Love shouted, dropping the dirty wood on the stone floor “Mam, We’ve got some visitors!”
A woman, her grey hair pulled under a cap, her apron stained came out from behind a dirty curtain. This sentence also sounds oddly phrased. ‘A woman suddenly appeared from behind a grubby curtain. She had short grey hair that was pulled under a cap and a cream colored, though heavily stained, apron.’ Or at least something to that extent.
“Hello,” she said politely, picking up the twigs and underbrush Love had dropped.
“Go help your Pap bring in the horses,” she said ushering Love out the door. “It’s almost sundown”
Love rolled her eyes in Ava’s direction and walked out the door. “Thank you ma’am for giving us a place to stay” Ava said grasiously walking up to her and curtsying.
“what’s the matter with you girl? Am I a queen?” The woman turned and stomped into her kitchen, slamming pots and pans.
“What did I do wrong?” Ava asked Kevin, moving to look out the window. Three little boys were playing outside on a patch of grass, dyed yellow from the sun. A young man and an older man were bringing in cattle from the nearby field. Love, A man around the age of 40 comma and another girl were bringing in the horses, shouting indistinct words.
“I don’t know,” Kevin replied after a long silence “I really don’t know.”

As Ava opened her mouth to say more, a bell rang and everyone rushed to the door taking Kevin’s hands and shaking them roughly.
“Come,” said Love, taking Ava’s and Kevin’s hand. “It’s time for supper.”
Supper constituted of a runny potato soup and burnt biscuits. Kevin spooned the food into his mouth, made a face and then soaked it up with his biscuit.
Nobody spoke as the meal progressed, except for a “pass the soup,” or “pass the bread.”
Ava inwardly groaned. This is going to be a long night, she thought following Love up the stairs to the attic, where she and Kevin were going to sleep. A long night.

I did like the fantasy element you put in this chapter, the doors were cool, and them being swept away into another dimension or whatever seemed like a great opportunity for action and suspense and all that good stuff. Only, I have to be blunt, it didn’t have any of it. No fear, no suspense, no surprise, no emotion. Both Kevin and Ava regarded the whole ordeal with a laid-back attitude, not even panicking one bit. They only seemed mildly surprised that their outfits changed, but neither of them voiced how afraid they were that they might not make it back home. It’s very unrealistic. Sure, they deal with demons every day, but as far as we know, nothing like this has ever happened to them before.

I noticed the same problem with Stargazer; no emotion. Your characters in this story are very similar to those in Stargazer; they feel love, but don’t ever seem to express real fear, surprise, jealousy, resentment, joy, excitement… or any other emotions. To fix it, I’d try putting yourself in their shoes, every step of the way.
For example,
How did Ava feel when Love showed up? If it was me, I’d be extremely cautious; probably not trusting her or her family very much, and always being on my guard. After all, I didn’t know a thing about this world yet. However, someone else might think, “She’s just a little girl, how could she possibly be of any harm?” and gladly take advantage of her hospitality. Then again, your own character may have a completely different reaction. Whatever it is, you have to tell us. Simply saying ‘a girl appeared out of nowhere. Her name was Love’ simply isn’t enough. You need to give us something more. Does that make sense?

Next, onto your grammar. You’re improving, but it definitely still needs work. Megan’s review was awesome, pointing out just about every error I could find. But I noticed you haven’t gone back and edited through her corrections. The first step to learning is to correct your mistakes. The sooner you get rid of your bad habits, the better. You may think they are just minor errors, but they make a huge impact on the reader. How would you like to open a book and read dialogue that wasn’t properly capitalized? Those are careless mistakes that can be fixed by a few minutes of proofreading. It just depends on if you want to put in the effort or not.

I’m a bit confused about your new character, Love. I actually love the name X), but there’s something about the way she talks that doesn’t seem natural. You keep switching back and forth from her speaking like a normal person, to an ultra twangy southern accent. Pick one or the other. Imagine her talking in your head, and write it how you hear it.

I hope this review helps; it covers a lot of points I have about your writing style in general. If you have any questions let me know.

Hey, there, PD!

Spoiler

Kevin flipped a switch, bathing the room in a soft buttery glow.

I like the description here, Point.

To start off with. I guess your beginning was quite nice. I really liked the way you had the things going, and you tried to bring in the trepidation and conflict within the two souls. I also liked how she reached for his hand and clutched tight onto it. It was sweet, and it does show how scared they both are, and how they seek for each other's presence every often. This was sweet. Now to what I'd like you to work on. The description of the time when they discover the place. The doors' place, I mean. Now this was a place to go aboard with descriptions. Create a scene. Like it doesn't happen mostly that we find ourselves in a place full of doors, so bring in that magic. I want to live the place like Ava and Kevin would do. So make me feel that. I can see you tried good, but still I'd love more. But on the other hand, I did like how you brought us into the mystery of the world. How you closed or ended that paragraph.

My other nit-pick is somewhat similar to what I said just now. Your descriptions for the part where they enter the place is not there. I am not even sure if it's a place they've landed up in or it is another room. But then all of a sudden when the girl is being said to be going to the forest, it suddenly strikes me. Just consider this. You are being blown by a wind, and land in a new place. So practically wouldn't you be noticing what all is around you first? Doesn't that sound a better way? Sometimes just go systematically, and you'd see how much it yields you. That's something logical. So write like you or your characters would think, speak like.

My next thing. That's actually a suggestion. What you need to do is when Ava sees Love, she could be comparing. Comparing her dress with Love's. Not a very big thing, but you know you'd add it to show realistic approach and reaction. That is going to raw in your readers. So just try this out. Secondly, I would have loved if you had slowed down and gone by telling us the things Ava and Keven observed in the new land and their hosts' house. You know it seemed like you were in a rush to go somewhere or just finish off this chapter. So go on that way. Slow down a bit. Take some time before you wind off with something. Make us feel them.

I don't have anything to say which hasn't been said before, so meet you for next chapter.

~Shrubbery

Hi there, Pointe!

So, I'm going to touch subjects already brought up (description and emotion).

First of all, you have a lot of great settings here - the castle, the room with doors, the new world place they go to, the home, all that - with a lot of great opportunities for description that most works just don't have. Still, I don't think you're using it to your advantage. You're just skipping over what the places look like, getting on with the action. But if you stopped and described the places - and not just how they look, but how they smell, any sounds, textures, and maybe even a taste depending on the content - then not only would the writing come alive, but the pacing would be a lot more developed, instead of just rushing through.

And I know what you're thinking - Readers like action! Yes, we do. But not only action and suspense and near-death situations. And actually, slowing things down magnifies all three of those things, when done in the right spots.

And description also ties into emotion. When you describe something, also describe the affect it has on your character, not only their actions or feelings, but thoughts. What pops into their head? Do they slow their walking to look at it, or hurry along to get it out of sight? Does the lamp post comfort them with its glow, or does it cast an eerie feeling? Little comments like that are really what create emotion - they set the scene and your characters perception of the world they are in.

As you see, all these things tie together. And it's no wonder. You can't have one without at least a little of the others. They all build off each other, which is why it's so important to focus on it all, instead of just one thing.

You have really good potential with this. All you have to do is flesh it out and I know it can get so much better than you can imagine. Just keep writing. You're getting good.

loveness, ultraviolet <3