The Pill

The night was a cool, autumn one. The kind where the leaves break under your feet just right, the air is cool- but not too cool, just perfect- and you think that nothing could possibly ruin it. Those are the nights you should watch out for. Kammie Tarns didn't know this when IT happened... then again, most of them never do.

Kammie shot an annoyed look at her brother as he opened his mouth wide, giving her a clear view of his half-chewed pork chop.
"Billy..." Her mother began with a sigh. "Close your mouth."
"'Kay Mom!" Billy said, tossing a smirk at Kammie. The fifteen year old girl glowered at him, before sticking her tongue out.
"You two!" Her father growled between bites of his baked potato. "Either get some table manners, or get out of here." Billy stood with his plate, a grin on his face. "Without your plate." The boy sighed, and flopped back into the chair. Suddenly there was a knock at the door.
"I'll get it." Kammie`s father said, pushing his chair and walking to the door. Several moments passed after her father was out of sight, then she heard his voice:
"Can I help you?" A few seconds later, they heard a thud. Immediately, everyone stood. Billy strode forward only to be stopped by his mothers hand.
"You stay here and watch your sister. I`m going to go see what happened."
"But Mo-"
"William. Stay!" She snapped, walking cautiously into the living room. A moment later their mother lay on her back in front of them, blood trickling from the gash on her neck.
"Mom!" Kammie screamed, running forward.
"Kammie, wait!" Bill yelled, grabbing the back of her t-shirt. At the same time, an unknown hand grabbed the front. From the living room stepped a young man, a few years older than Bill. He had scruffy blond hair that reached the tips of his ears, muddy brown eyes, and tanned skin covered in scars. He wore a blue t-shirt and jeans. In one hand he held a knife, and strapped to his waist, a hand gun.
With a quick jerk, Kammie stumbled forward next to the boy. He bent down next to her, resting his chin on her shoulder.
"Hello young lady," he said, "my name's Jeremy. What`s yours?"
"Get away from her!" Billy yelled, grabbing the knife from his plate and running at Jeremy. Faster than anyone could see, Jeremy`s knife was at Kammie`s throat. She stiffened, Bill froze, and Jeremy grinned.
"Excuse me, but the young lady and I were having a conversation." Jeremy said irritably. " Now sit on that chair, or your little sis will be joining her mommy sooner than needed. And drop the knife." Billy complied immediately, and Jeremy frowned. "Huh. You`re no fun." He shrugged then turned his attention back on Kammie. "So like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, what`s your name?"
"K-Kammie." She whispered, trying to step backwards, away from him. His grip on the front of her shirt tightened.
"Ah, ah, ah Kammie. Don`t try and get away now, it might hurt your brother." He nodded behind her, and Kammie swung her head around. Standing behind Billy was another man, this one older and much larger. He held a machete in his hand, prepared to kill. Kammie turned back to Jeremy`s grinning face.
"So Kammie..." He said, pulling her closer to him. "What would you do to save your life? And that of the rest of your family?" Kammie pulled back only to freeze when she heard her brother gasp in pain. She let him pull her back, until they were nose to nose.
"What do you want me to do?" She asked, forcing her voice to stay calm. For a moment, nothing happened. Then he spun her around, and handed her his knife. She felt a gun in her back immediately. She felt his mouth against her ear as he whispered:
"Kill him."
"But you said it would save my family!" She whispered back frantically.
"Most of `em. You have plenty of other family. Four grandparents, five aunts, five uncles, seventeen cousins, and your aunt Suzy is due in May, right? You`ll keep them safe... if you kill him. Can you do it?"
"H-how could I? I- I can`t kill him!"
"But you can let thirty six others die? I promise their deaths will be slow. Slow and painful." Kammie stood, frozen for a moment, then clenched the knife in her fist and walked forward, trembling. She knelt down in front of Billy and looked at him, tears welling up in her eyes.
"Kammie? What`d he say to you? Did he hurt you?" Billy asked, searching her face.
"Love you Billy." She said, throwing her arms around him. His arms came up, and the siblings embraced. She squeezed her eyes shut and slumped down, as the warm liquid slid down her back, and covered her hair. She rested her head in his lap and a silent stream of tears trickled from her eyes. She felt arms around her waist hoist her up, away from the corpse. She looked at it numbly as Jeremy brushed her hair back and kissed her on the cheek.
"Good girl." He led her over to the living room, turning to the older man before he exited. "Pack her some clothes, and don`t forget the knife. We`ll be in here." Without waiting for an answer, he took her to the couch, and laid her head on his lap, slowly running his fingers through her soaked hair. She laid, staring at the blank TV, tears streaming down her face, not saying a word. Jeremy handed her a pill and told her to swallow it. She took it silently and popped it in her mouth. Immediately a sense of carelessness washed over her, and she listened to him hum a tune, slowly drifting to sleep.

Kammie opened her eyes to find herself in her bed, five years later. The young woman shook her head, trying to rid herself of the horrible memory. She stood and began her morning routine. The moment she was dressed, she heard a knock on the door. Walking over, she opened it to see Jeremy looking down at her.
"Breakfast?"
"Always." She grinned, following him out into the hallway. She listened to him chatter, laughing at his jokes. Soon they were seated in the mess hall, surrounded by twenty other people.
"Guess what?" He asked her, digging into his frosted flakes.
"Hm?"
"We start recruitment today. Think you`re up for it this year?" Kammie looked up at him, shaking her head. "Come on Kammie, Boss says you've gotta start coming with us or you`re gonna get booted. Kammie paused, her spoon on it`s way up to her mouth, now caught in mid-air. She knew what booted meant. Booted meant death.
"Fine. I`ll go." She mumbled under her breath.
"Woo! Celebrate the day we met in style eh? I`ll get you signed up for a pairing with me and everything!" Kammie chuckled.
"Sure Jeremy. Go ahead. I`m going to go check over my next mission file."
"Who'd ya get this time?"
"Some couple named Tarns. They have a kid, old enough to recruit."
"Who wants you to take him out?"
"They wouldn't say."
"That's odd. Ah well, see ya!" He said, pecking her cheek, about to dash off.
"Wait!"
"What?"
"Don`t forget your pill!" She said, pouring two pills from a small bottle. They each swallowed one then went about their business.

Very nice dialogue, quite impressive, but I was a little confused in the end.

I'm going to fix that in a second.

By the way, I like your signature

Thanks!

I apologize for how long it took me to review this; I've been busy over the week (school sucks :/). But hopefully, this'll be relatively in-depth and will help.

The night was a cool, autumn one. The kind where the leaves break under your feet just right, the air is cool- but not too cool, just perfect- and you think that nothing could possibly ruin it. Those are the nights you should watch out for. Kammie Tarns didn't know this when IT happened... then again, most of them never do.

1) You mentioned twice that it was cool, which is slightly repetitiveness. Seeing as you gave more description to the second mention cool, maybe you should edit out the first one.

2) The narration is personal, that is, it seems like the MC is the one narrating the story. However the paragraph then goes on to mention the MC, and that's odd. Basically, your narrator is omnipresent and speaking in a personal manner, and this can throw the reader off a bit.

Kammie shot an annoyed look at her brother as he opened his mouth wide, giving her a clear view of his half-chewed pork chop.

Why was this italicized?

forward only to be stopped by his mother's hand.

"William. Stay!" She snapped, walking cautiously into the living room. A moment later their mother lay on her back in front of them, blood trickling from the gash on her neck.

Hold on. Their father went to the door and was killed there. But their mother went to the living room looking for the stranger. Why? Or must one pass through the living room to reach the door? If so, mention that earlier. And if their mother left the kitchen/dining room where they were eating, and went into the living room, a separate room, how is it that they then saw her dead on the floor? If she only took a few steps into the living room that's more understandable, and you could mention it. But then they would probably see a flash of the killer's hand then too.

"Kammie, wait!" Bill yelled, grabbing the back of her t-shirt. At the same time, an unknown hand grabbed the front. From the living room stepped a young man, a few years older than Bill. He had scruffy blond hair that reached the tips of his ears, muddy brown eyes, and tanned skin covered in scars. He wore a blue t-shirt and jeans. In one hand he held a knife, and strapped to his waist, a hand gun.

He grabbed her shirt, but he wasn't in the room yet? If she was close enough to the living room for him to hold her, then he wouldn't have stepped forward, he would have forced her back into the kitchen/dining room. And why is he being described? This is supposed to be a fast-paced action scene, and yet you've interrupted the action to info-dump about his appearance when it really doesn't matter to the story yet.

With a quick jerk, Kammie stumbled forward next to the boy. He bent down next to her, resting his chin on her shoulder.

This is fairly confusing. I had to read the first sentence several times to understand that you meant: He pulled her towards him and she fell to her knees. Using Kammie's name immediately after writing the action makes it seem as if Kammie is the one who performed it. Perhaps you could simplify it?

Standing behind Billy was another man,

And where did he come from? If there was a back door nearby then surely Billy and Kammie would have escaped from it? They should have noticed this man's entry.

Kammie pulled back only to freeze when she heard her brother gasp in pain. She let him pull her back, until they were nose to nose.

Pull back is a little repetitive. Also, replace him with Jeremy, otherwise it will seem as if it was her brother who pulled her back (by the way, I don't think you mentioned that Billy let go of her).

You have plenty of other family.

I'm not sure the 'of' should be there.

"Love you Billy." She said, throwing her arms around him. His arms came up came up or went around her? , and the siblings embraced. She squeezed her eyes shut and slumped down, as the warm liquid slid down her back, and covered her hair. She rested her head in his lap and a silent stream of tears trickled from her eyes. She felt arms around her waist hoist her up, away from the corpse. She looked at it numbly as Jeremy brushed her hair back and kissed her on the cheek.

He was standing up. She was, for some odd reason, kneeling down. You said she put her arms around him, which means around his legs. And then she stabs him where? In the back of the leg? That won't kill him, not unless it's a big knife and he bleeds out without the flow being stopped for between 30 minutes and an hour. And if it's the back, the blood wouldn't touch her hair. Even if she'd stabbed him in the front of the leg, well, that would have been difficult. If it's the lower leg, then it would be difficult to get the knife past the bone. If it was the upper leg, you will need the same conditions as if she'd stabbed him in the back of the leg for him to die.

That aside, how did the blood flow down her back and hair? I advise that instead of mentioning she slumped down (it's very vague) you actually mention that she stabbed him wherever, and then brought out the knife. Otherwise the blood flow, though it would flow, wouldn't be that heavy, and probably wouldn't flow down her hair to her back (you did it the other way around).

And finally (a really minor nitpick, really), I think you should add something about Billy slumping to the floor. Skipping this makes the paragraph rather confusing to read.

Alright, so those are all the nitpicks, so let me break this down a little.


Grammar

My main issue with the grammar is your sentences, specifically the speech. Even more specifically, the dialogue tags. You write them this way:

"Go home." She said.

They should be written:

"Go home," she said.

Note that before the inverted commas there should be a comma, not a full stop, and that the letter after should be in lower case (with the exception of names and such, of course).

Inconsistencies & POV Mistakes

I think I mentioned that the opening paragraph was odd? I figured out why: it's in third person omniscient. But everything you write after is in third person intimate. The difference is that in omniscient the narrator has access to the knowledge of everything in the story, and doesn't settle on a single thing, constantly going off to explain other things that the MC might not even know. Third person intimate, though, is restricted to narrating the thoughts and feelings of a particular character. Because you switched between these two, it's an inconsistency, and a confusing one at that. Not to mention, the fact that the whole section the first paragraph was talking about a flashback makes no sense. Once again, it's in third person omniscient, while a flashback is an intimate third person thing.

Another inconsistency is much less important, but something that still needs to be changed. At times you refer to Kammie's brother as Bill, sometimes as Billy. This is something that needs to be determined, because even if the sister calls him one thing and their parents another, this is still confusing and you need to choose one or the other.

All In All

There was something about Kammie that seemed very...flat. Perhaps it's because you've thrust the reader into the action without explaining anything first, or giving us any glimpse of her character. I can't really bring myself to care for her predicament, and the confusing aspect of her awakening to the present day and the reader seeing that she know works with her family's murderer doesn't help that. It should be an interesting plot twist, but you need to make us care for Kammie first before we can really appreciate it. We didn't even see a glimpse of hatred for Jeremy before the memory ended, and barely any trauma except her staring blankly at the TV. Jeremy is rather flat too; we don't anything about him, he seems like a terrible assassin (killed the father in front of the door which he did not shut, he had his bare hands on the couch leaving behind fingerprints) and a cliché psychotic (killing for what so-far seems to be no reason, forcing an 'innocent' to kill someone, chatting casually with his victims). And I've been trying to understand what the Pill is, and I've summed it up to either of two options:

-Some sort-of brainwashing pill.

-Both Kammie and Jeremy are schizophrenics and are actually in some sort-of asylum, and the pill is their medicine. (I doubt this idea, however).

Actually, I doubt both of these ideas. What I think you should do is clear up the meaning a little. Seeing as this is a short story and you can't explain everything in another chapter, try and weave in the meaning of the pill during the length of the story and then show the full meaning at the end. It will help a lot, especially if it's something the reader should have spotted or it completes a pattern; that will really impact the story positively. So good job, and KEEP WRITING!

Tiger