Distant Intimacy

He strikes a match. Then i watch solemnly as he breathes out the grey dark smoke that fumes from the pitiful long white sticks of dirt and waste, then sigh. My last friend sits in front of me. Yet i wonder each time my eyes are lay upon him how long it will be till he is gone because of those things resting in his hand. He promised me he was going to quit soon, but from the way his eyes shine each time he takes a deep lungful of poison in, i find that doubtful. He breathes in and out. Its so simple to watch yet so hard.
I am not the type of person to fear anything. I laugh each time i run the sharp metal shard down my arm and watch the gloomy red liquid drip from my body, till i pass out into a untold place. However, i am truly scared of losing my friend. He has stuck by me while others ran and mocked me. If he dies i will be left with nothing in this world.
"Whats wrong?" He questions me as he crushes the last tip of embers into ash.
"Nothing." I lie.
He stares at me a moment through strained blue eyes before wrapping his arms around me and resting his face infront of mine before revealing a stained yellow grin. I feel sick and push him to the floor. My action is soon met with a image of pain thrown by his face.
"What have i done?" He whispers in a hollow voice.
"Nothing." I lie once more, "I just dont feel like games."
"You dont treat me like i'm alive anymore. Its as if i'm a dead thing in your way. Do i honestly repulse you that much?" A lone tear falls and soaks his clenched fist.
I shake my head and turn it away. I can't stand the idea of anyone crying, especially him. He is like my brother, but i am craved as more by him. There is one more thing i fear. Love. It is fiction. No being can be devoted to one person for a life or beyond. Its false. A lie. A myth.
"You do anything but repulse me. I think of you as my brother." I finally reply.
"That is all i'll be."
I know he is not questioning me but only stating what he knows is the truth. My heart breaks as i watch him break down and cry. I have never witnessed him so deeply depressed and hurt. I stand and leave not wishing to be audience to anymore pain. While i walk and his sobs fade they still echo in my mind and finally bring me kneeing to the floor at the corner of the road infront of his house. My eyes dry from tears but my body riddled with guilt.
I hear a single chime ring from my pocket. A text message. My hand retrieves a battered phone from its hidding place then i flip it open to reveal my true nightmare.



"No." I stiffen. My body picks itself up and slowly turns to the house. "It can't be over. He can't be."
Then i run. Run faster than i have before. Leaping through the house. Kicking the door open. Stopping in horror. Fixing my attention to the pool of blood. The razor in the unmoving hand. The cigerettes resting in the trash. Then i once again fall to my knees.
I strike a match.Then i watch solemnly as i breathe out the grey dark smoke that fumes from the pitiful long white sticks of dirt and waste, and sigh.

I sense a lot of emotion in this, it can be better expressed. The thing that jumps at me first is that you need to capitalize your i's. Believe it or not, that simple aspect draw an enormous amount of attention from your story. You have some good imagery in your story. I think the largest part you can expand on is your characters.

I get that they're very close, but based on this I cant fathom the reaction of him killing himself because she was mean to him. It needs a little more build up to make the reader really understand what they've been through. Some references to past experiences between the two of them are great tools that you can use for this.

It would also be a good idea to express how long the male character has been smoking. We all know that smoking kills, but it's a long process. The way it reader he's been smoking a while, but not really long enough to generate the fear of him dieing. How much he smokes is also a good way to show how bad his habit is.

I was a little confused at the end when you have her smoking because there's no indication that she would ever smoke due to her dislike of the habit. Some sort of connection to this would help the reader better understand her sudden decision to start after her fiend has killed himself.

Those are a few small things that you can work and expand on that will make your story grow and be even more expressive. I hope this helps, keep up the good work.

I liked it, but I think it was a bit jumbled and not clearly defined. For one, capitalizing your i's would make an enormous difference. Also, like I said, it was a bit jumbled and confusing, not clearly stating what was going on. But keep on writing!