The Magi {ch. 3}

Spoiler

here we go ch.3 I hope you enjoy this one. I certianly enjoyed writing it. Pay close attention to the way Kevin and Ava act towards each other. Its an important part of this chapter.

Are Kevin and Ava destined to be together? whats you oppinion? post your prediction in your reviews

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Three:
I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11


“She’s out of the woods now, but there is no guarantee…” Justin voice jolted Ava awake. She lay there, listening to her brother and Kevin discussing her fate.
“Does she have a chance?” said Kevin, his voice shaking.
“I-”
Ava cleared her throat loudly, “deciding my fate are we boys?”
Justin and Kevin jumped turning around, then laughed “Ava!” Kevin yelled, bounding over to her, wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling her into an embrace. Ava felt her arms going around his neck, drawing him close.
Justin cleared his throat, and Kevin pulled away, his face red.
“How long was I out?” Ava asked, sitting up.
“A week, Ashes”
“ Ohmigosh! What did you guys tell Mimi?”
“We told her, you came to visit Justin for a month to look at colleges.” Kevin said
“And she believed that?”
“She did.” Said Azalea coming out of the bedroom, dressed in a blue track suit carrying baby Allie who was dressed in powder blue jeans and a cream top. “I told you guys Ava would be fine” she said turning on Justin and Kevin “But you wouldn’t believe me.”
Ava laughed. “Unless its Kev’s idea, he doesn’t believe anything.”
Kevin blushed and Ava felt better, that hug had was so intimate, so caring, it scared me. She thought, looking into Kevin’s eyes.
“Well we’re off to the gym for Mommy and Me class, so I’ll see you later.” Azalea kissed Justin and waved to Kevin and Ava “bye everyone” she said kissing Justin again before she left. Ava waved back and turned to Kevin “so any more activity?” she said, watching Justin walk into the kitchen, and begin washing bloody bandages.
“No, and no word from the Magi either.”
“What about Greg and Titi?”
“No word,” he moved across to her and bent down, close to her ear. “We need to leave. Every moment we spend here the Magi could be in more danger.” His breath smelled sweet, like someone who chewed fresh mint leaves in their spare time. Ava nodded.
“Tonight.” He breathed in her ear, and then turned to sit on the couch. She sat up, ignoring at the screams coming from her lacerate. She walked unsteadily to Kevin and sat down beside him, burying her face in his shoulder. His arm went around her, and they just sat there, comfortable with each other, best friends. Together.
******************************
“He can’t be dead. He must be asleep” Ava said to the doctor, who stood hands on hips, his face pained. “No Ava, he’s dead,” the man’s voice shook, as though he felt the pain that was enveloping her as well. Of course. This man was her brother. Of course he felt the pain. “You’re lying!” she screamed, her cries echoing up the corridor. “You’re lying!” she repeated, pushing past Mimi, Azalea, Justin, past everyone. Reaching the door and yanking it open. “Kevin!” she called, looking past everyone. “I know you’re alive!” She yelled, running to the end of the room, where a bed was. And there he was his face unmoving, his eyes unblinking and his heart un-beating. “Kevin” she repeated, and she knew right there that her best friend was dead. Because he had never ignored her. Never.

Kevin shook her awake, from where she was sleeping on the couch, across the room from him. “Ashes wake up,” he whispered shaking her again.
She sat up, with a little strangled cry. The image of Kevin, dead on the sheets of a hospital bed imprinted on the back of her eyes. She looked up, saw Kevin standing over her and threw her arms around her neck. “You’re alive,” she murmured into his neck, breathing in the faint scent of his cologne.
“Last time I checked,” he laughed, then became serious. “Bad dream?” he understood. Alt-bringers all had nightmares. The dark took advantage of their sleeping minds to bring their worst fears to life.
She nodded, her eyes searching his face. “You were dead. And Justin couldn’t save you.” She sobbed, and then his arms were around her in a second, holding her close; protecting her from the nightmares that had been haunting her for years.
“They can’t hurt you Ava. I won’t let em’.”
And she believed him.

After her tears had stopped flowing, he pulled away, and smiled. “Better?”
She nodded unable to speak, then sat up. “We have to leave don’t we?”
It was his turn to nod “I’m sorry, but we can’t let days go past and not know if his okay or not.”
She understood. She stood up, and pulled a pullover on. “Let’s go.” He took her hand and led her through the darkened apartment, towards the door, away from safety. Once in the hallway he turned
“Ready?”
“Ready.”

Hey,

This chapter is great, if a little short. Is this a whole chapter or just part of one?? Your description is lovely. I like how you incorporate smells into it. Ava and Kevin seem suited for each other, that's for sure!
You have to check through your spelling, there are only a few but they make a diffrence in your writing.
You have to keep on posting these chapters and add more to them because now I've read this far I need to know more!!

It's all good! Shadow.

Hi there!
First, I'll start by saying that though this chapter is short, I like it. This is the pace your story should stay at.

Before anything, spelling&grammar nitpicks for you!

Ava cleared her throat loudly, “Deciding my fate, are?” I think it sounds better without the 'boys' at the end.

“Ohmigosh! What did you guys tell Mimi?” I don't like the 'ohmigosh'. It's too... idk. Girly and fake. I'm a teenage girl and I have yet to hear anyone literally say oh-mi-gosh.

“We told her no comma necessary you came to visit Justin for a month to look at colleges.” Kevin said.

Kevin blushed and Ava felt better, that hug had was so intimate, so caring, it scared me. She thought, looking into Kevin’s eyes.
This should be: Kevin blushed and Ava felt better. That hug we had was so intimate, so caring, it scared me, she thought, looking into Kevin's eyes.

Azalea kissed Justin and waved to Kevin and Ava. “Bye everyone,” she said, kissing Justin again before she left. Ava waved back and turned to Kevin. “So any more activity?” she said, watching Justin walk into the kitchen again, no comma necessary and begin washing bloody bandages.

Once in the hallway he turned to her.

There are a few more mistakes, but they're in relation to dialogue -
Although your dialogue has improved a lot, I again want to stress the punctuation around dialogue. Specifically dialogue tags. The spoiler is a bit on the dialogue tags.

Spoiler

A dialogue tag is when you use 'he said/she said/he yelled, etc' after a dialogue. Example:
"You're absolutely crazy," she said.
OR
"You're absolutely crazy," said Kyla as she came out of the bathroom.

Remember that there is a comma at the end of the dialogue in both situations:
"You're absolutely crazy," she said.

And the first word after the dialogue has a lowercase letter.
"You're absolutely crazy," said Kyla as she came out of the bathroom.

Unless, of course, it's a name. Example:
"You're absolutely crazy," Kyla said.
In this case, the name remains capitalized. But any pronoun or the use of a verb (usually 'said') remains lowercase.

This also applies if it's a thought.
You're absolutely crazy, she thought.

Also, not all dialogue has a tag after it. If there's no tag, treat it like a normal sentence.

Onto the actual content.

One tiny little thing:

Alt-bringers all had nightmares. The dark took advantage of their sleeping minds to bring their worst fears to life.

So, this line confused me. Normal people have nightmares too, so it's a little odd how you say 'Alt-bringers all had nightmares.' I would tack a bit more on to explain how their nightmares are special or different from a normal human's nightmares.

I think the rest is good. I'm glad you took the time to flesh out their characters more and develop their relationship, because I remember saying that the relationships seemed superficial before. We're getting a good grasp of what's going on between Kevin and Ava now, and I like that. All I can say is keep writing, and remember to consistently incorporate bits and pieces further developing their relationship throughout the story.

However, I'll mention this now to keep in mind as you go on - this chapter is very, very, good, but just remember not to go overboard with their relationship. As far as I see, the romance is a subplot here, so don't crush the action with it. You definitely haven't done that, right now it's a good balance - I'm just telling you now so you can keep that in mind as you write.

Good job! Can't wait for part 4.

I'm not much of a review. I liked it

Hey there Pointe,

Ok, Pari did a great and very thorough review on the dialogue tags and punctuation.

My issues go a little deeper. I'm reading this chapter and I'm deathly afraid that Ava and Kevin will start sounding like Aniline and Jeremy. Please, please, please keep them apart for now. Keep in mind that we are only getting to know them, as individuals.

Create suspense, create tension, between them. I liked that she was able to lean her head on his shoulder; it showed their relationship. But, in chapter one, there was no mention of a deeper relationship, then suddenly, chapter 3, he's her hero and she's staring deep into his eyes. Do you see how fast that is going? Slow it down. Let their eyes collide, and their heart beats pick up. Give them challenges, make them overcome them.

Also....One week? She's been out one week? Yeah right. And she disappeared in the middle of the night, her bedroom door is locked and her sheets are full of blood. But her mother doesn't question her leaving, without having access to her room? Mine would completely freak out. And one week out is difficult to believe. Maybe she was in shock, but if she's usedc to fighting, it shouldn't have been a problem. Did she get a blood transfusion? Did she need stitches? Shouldn't she be stiff, and aching if she's been lying flat on her back for a week?

These are all things you need to consider and integrate to your story.

Keep up the writing!

Tanya

Very short, but I honestly couldn’t find anything wrong with it. I like the pace you have in this chapter, it’s very smooth. You’re giving depth to your characters which is really helping the story. All in all, a great job; I love to see that you’re improving!

A bit of advice about the Kev-Ava relationship since you asked about it; keep it interesting and unexpected. Sure, both characters are nice, and they definitely deserve each other, but to make it stand out, be sure to always add new depths to their relationship. But honestly, you’re already doing a great job on that. I especially like Kevin’s nickname for Ava; it’s very unique, sweet, and I love how it just feels natural.
Keep me posted on this story
I'll read chaps 5 and 6 asap

Hey. I am back again. So this is short, so I guess it'd be easier to nitpick it.

I would have to disagree with Pari(sorry, dear), but what I feel is that Romance is an important element of this chapter. If you are bringing it,it's good, and maybe going a bit over-board about it won't be hurting anyone. I mean, their relationship should be explored more. Not too much right now, but as we proceed, going ahead with it would be a good thing. Because if your novel has more than one element(any element) like romance plus fantasy, or fantasy plus science fiction, then chances of readers liking it are more. And mostly if you see, even though we sometimes hate seeing every one being coupled, it's something normal in lives and adding it would be good. And as Tanya said, you could keep them apart, don't go too much into the love thing but you'd always be better with just showing us hints in the beginning.

Now to say something positive. It was a very nice chapter. I mean, I am starting to love the story. Story in itself, even though you have a lot to improve on considering your writing. There are still some disputes with your commas, dialog, but you could work out on them. Besides, I am liking Kevin now. He's that protective kind of boy. Nice. Simple. I like his character. And as for Justin. You had said earlier he was in Med School, and even though students can tend to some injuries or cases, but he seems like a proper doctor. Wouldn't you wanna work out on that? I mean, taking care of such a high-level case or important case single-handedly just seemed way too much for a student. I know they didn't want to go to someone else, trying to avoid the questions, but still. Work it out. Either make him a graduated doctor.

Now my main concern with this chapter. Her pain could have been better illustrated. I mean, you could have gone more about her thoughts, what she felt and how her pain was. Had it subsided or were there any cramps? Little things like these are sometime interesting to notice and read. Also, I think another department you need to work on is your 'descriptions'. Going by me, I go too much into descriptions. But that's also not good, but neither is going too less on them. Just make more descriptions. Make us see. Not tell us. You familiar with the 'Show, not Tell' concept? Search it up. It'd be good to improve on. Now coming up to the length and content of the chapter, I guess there wasn't much happening around. It didn't look like a full-fledged chapter, but rather a continuation or part of a chapter.

Overall, it does have potential. I liked how things are progressing and it'd be better for sure when you edit it up, and consider what we all have to say. Also, like in most books or stories rather happens, I guess they'll be together. But I won't be too fixed on that point. You can have twists in the story like....*can't think of something cool* xD!

Anyways, PM me for any questions and hope this was helpful.

~Shrubbery

Great job pointe, but i did notice a few things:

saw Kevin standing over her and threw her arms around her neck.

i actually tried that once i read it, physically impossible, hehe i think it should have been his neck

go past and not know if his okay or not.

that should be he's

apart from those mistakes, which really didn't effect my liking of the story, I loved it! also my prediction is that they end up together, am i right?

Hey there!

So my first point is about her injury - and her recovery. You say she was out for a week - which is a really long time - and also that Justin, a doctor, doesn't know if she'll even recover. And in pretty much that same moment she wakes up, fine and dandy, without any pain or restrictions for the most part. It's a bit contradictory. Don't get me wrong, that it's so serious and that Justin isn't sure - I mean, it's not like they're in a hospital or anything - isn't bad. But maybe if when she wakes up, you describe more of what condition the injury has left her in - aches, pains, restrictions in movement, etc. - then this scene will really come alive, and will seem that much more realistic.

“We told her, you came to visit Justin for a month to look at colleges.”

Like borntobe said, this is a little unrealistic. At the moment, the mother looks either really ignorant and naive, or like she doesn't really care what happens to Ava. Even just mentioning how she took a little convincing would make it a lot more realistic.

that hug had was so intimate, so caring, it scared me.

This is a really odd thought to have right after a hug. It's too direct about her emotions. People rarely know exactly what it is that they're feeling, and for things like this they also rarely admit it, even to themselves. Try toning down the hints toward their (I'm assuming) soon-to-be romance. Readers love subtlety. It makes us feel smart for predicting things right.

My last point is similar to the first - she just woke up the day before, but already they're going on a mission, which has a lot of potential for danger? I'm not saying that it's so unbelievable in this situation, but no one even mentions how's she's still wounded and will need rest, nutrition, etc. Like with most things I've said, just a sentence or two to mention something will fix the problem. After all, personal-health sacrifice looks much better to readers than near-invincibleness.

Okay, so in general your writing does keep getting better. I haven't read any of your other pieces, I don't believe, but in just these three chapters you're improving. Just be careful to keep things realistic. So, good job.

loveness, ultraviolet <3