Death Of A Leaf

*Last year, I wrote a really short poem about a leaf being boiled during biology. Many of you suggested that since it was such a fresh topic, I should make it less abstract. Here's what I had last year":

In the depths of the ocean,
No in your eyes,
I see the world,
In a different light.
It's not dark,
the sun shines,
there's no trouble,
no worries, no life.

And then, I tried to make it more detailed. So tell me what you think Also, I considered naming it to 'To a Leaf' but that would be almost mocking Robert Burns. What are your thoughts on that?*

I saw the terror that it felt,
I heard it yell for help,
When you vicious creature,
Under instruction by the teacher,
Had to plunge it in,
Oh your heart is made of sin.
I saw it drown in boiling water,
I heard its cries, the cries of pain,
While you just observed in vain.
Its life was slowly leaving,
But to you that had no meaning,
You heard its cries, I know,
But once the teacher said ‘go’
You no longer really cared,
How this innocent leaf fared.
It’s lovely eyes, from underwater,
I gazed at them as it got hotter,
And they were just so pained,
It made me feel truly faint.
But I did not avert my gaze,
I watched it struggle in a daze.
I watched it gasp for help
And with a final yelp,
It went.

Then- no longer did it hear.
Then- no longer did it see.
Then- no longer did it fear.
Then-it had gone
Then- peace rested upon.

Hi!

Well, this was a fun read! I really loved the last stanza. I guess I liked both of your poems. The first one is more serious and very beautiful, but doesn't tell the story, as you say. Nice job rhyming--I'm terrible at that but you did well. The last stanza is more serious, and I wonder if it could also be used as a touching ending for a serious poem. Whatever you like. In any case, nice job. My only critique would be that it took me a while to figure out who "you" was supposed to be. Sorry if this isn't super helpful, but I wanted to share how much I liked it! Great job!

Sarebear

Hey! Great job! I really liked the idea of this poem and the execution was pretty clever. Your rythym was good but a little off sometimes, but it didn't really matter. The last stanza was good too, it provided a nice finish to the poem. I don't think commas were needed at the end of EVERY line though because that broke the rythym a bit.
Ohterwise, good job :p

Hi there, Stel!

Thanks for the request. I'll try to review this poem to the best of my ability, and I hope that you can find my comments useful!

This is a really neat idea, and the second draft is better then your first by far. I like how you personify the leaf and try to get us to think what that leaf is feeling. However, it still feels like there could be so much more.

You tell us what the leaf is going through but you don't really get into how it was thinking and feeling. You've personified the leaf to an extent; embellish that more! Why is the leaf being boiled? What are its last thoughts? Does it miss hanging off the edge of a tree or a bush? I would also try to develop the narrator more. Who is he? How does he relate to the leaf? Is he watching his mother make dinner, or is he in a science lab, the only one that really cares? If you develop the answers to these questions, you can also develop your imagery.

Right now there isn't much of it in this poem, and that is mostly due to the straightforward and blunt way you tell things. Describe what the setting is like. Show us every detail of the leaf's demise. Does the narrator watch as it slowly becomes nothing?

That's all I really have for now; hope this helps! Feel free to send me a PM if you have any questions.

~ Elinor

It is interesting how you present this poem. I have some suggestions.

Though you do a fairly good job of making the lines rhyme, I would just get rid of it altogether. It sort of gets in the way of readers' being able to visualize the scene. And it does little to make the poem any better.

Getting rid of the rhyming would also allow you to be a bit more flexible in the editing process. I guess I don't understand why you have a teacher there. He lacks purpose to me.

I do like the last verse. Maybe you could simply expand on that in the rest of the poem?

Here's one little spelling error you made:

It’s lovely eyes, from underwater,

"It's" should be "its."

I like this piece, you gave the leaf a life and a death that was more human then most would.
It helped me feel the pain. The feelings were realing strongly shown and the detail was fantastic.
I smiled as it died but thats because this was so well writen and structured.
Well done!

Hi,
Wow! This was a whole new point of view for me.I never thought what a leaf would feel...Out of the to poems The first seemed to display emotions better but it was not to the point much.One could not realize it was for a leaf but the second was much better.Maybe because it was more detailed and fun to read.It even made me feel sorry for the poor leaf.About the title I think "Death of a leaf" is a much better as it immediately caught my attention.I don't think I can find any mistakes other than those that have already been pointed out by the others.
Keep Writing!
... July4Ruby ...