Fragility

Your fingers ran the line down my collarbone,
while you held me, soft and warm as you always were,
and you looked at me with earnest
in the set of your eyes-
your voice was a delicate whisper,
and it tickled my neck.
“You’re so fragile. I don’t want-”
your eyes lowered.

I looked up at you, smiling,
and shined as I always did with you around,
trusting in your-about-to-be-sweet words.
“You don’t want what?”

“I don’t want to do this to you.”
And your eyes filled up with tears
as you said your goodbye.



I'm trying to write with less figurative language/ imagery. This is probably going to be filled up a bit soon, but the idea just kinda came to me now. Any thoughts?

Thanks for reading!
-Coral-

This is the only real nitpick I have:

I looked up at you, smiling,
and shining as I always did with you around,
trusting in your-about-to-be-sweet words.
“You don’t want what?”

Other than that, it's good. Although it made me sad in the end, because it starts off sounding like a happy poem and then...rejection. Dang it.

In poetry, figurative language and imagery is very important, especially in free verse. Yes, you can use less of it, but if you stop using it completely then the poem ceases to be a poem - unless you substitute by introducing rhyme. This poem still has imagery; I for one got a picture from it, even though it was a sort of vague one (not knowing what the narrator or the other person look like, which is fine), and the fact that there's no back story or extreme detail leaves it still feeling like a poem. So yes: You can go with less figurative language and imagery, but be wary of abolishing it completely!

Once again, great job.

~Blue

Yes. Keep it going. I just love how you pictured the whole scene and the very sweet and kind of less obvious emotions you brung up. You could have added a reaction from her too, but I liked the little twist in the ending. I wonder where you took it from? ^^
Anyway , very nice poem.
*bows*

It's great to see you experimenting with your style. There are some strong elements in here and some that need to be reworked and built upon. That's to be expected with experimentation and you have a nice start.

Your fingers ran the line down my left collarbone,

The "left" in this line felt out of place. It adds description, but that description doesn't really have any relevance to what you're trying to say, so it doesn't do anything to strengthen the poem.

and you looked at me with earnest
in the set of your eyes-

This may just be a phrase that I'm not familiar with, but what does "in the set of your eyes" mean?

I quite liked your first stanza. It sets your scene nicely and was described in a way that made it seem very real. Besides those two small wording issues, I thought it was excellent. The pause and lowering of his eyes especially made it feel real and emotional. Nice work.

I looked up at you, smiling,
and shining as I always did with you around,
trust in your-about-to-be-sweet words.

The wording here doesn't quite work. I know what you're trying to say, but I couldn't get this portion to form a sentence that made sense. Try looking over it again and make sure it's actually saying what you want it to.

The final stanza was just too rushed for me. They both clearly have very strong feelings for each other, so I don't see him just saying, "I don't want to do this to you" and leaving. Slow down a bit. There is a ton of emotional content in this situation that you can tap. Just like the horror in "Hollow Bones", the emotion in this piece should slowly rise and then finally bubble over. Right now it slowly builds and then just kind of dissipates at the end. Give me something that will make my chest hurt (without being overly dramatic of course)

Like you said, this is an idea at the moment. That said, it's a good idea that you've made a solid start on. Just expand it, watch your wordings, and build the emotional aspect. BlueAfrica was right in that you imagery helps the reader become involved in a piece. I know you're trying to get away from your reliance on imagery, but you also don't need to be afraid of it. You're a phenomenal writer and imagery is your strongest point, don't ignore it. Just use it as a tool rather than a crutch.

I'm intrigued by this piece. If you do some editing, throw a comment on my wall. I'd love to look at it again.

I really really like your poetry!!! And trust me, that's saying something, because more often than not, I have the HARDEST time reading poetry. I hate to be nit-picky, honestly, and I try to avoid it at all costs, but the one thing I might suggest is to try and lengthen your poems a bit more (I know, I said that before, and I'm sorry for being repetitive). But really, I find that shorter poems are almost dissatisfying. Maybe I'm just used to my own poetry (which, if you haven't checked out, you should go do that... even though I only have two poems up.... but I digress), but regardless. If short poems are your style, though, then power to ya! Maybe it's just me, and I just need to expand my horizons. But anyway, I'll be keeping up with your stuff!! Good work!

Persy, let's start on this old piece with some formatting revision. I think you'll be pleased, but mebbe not. Of course, if you don't like it, disregard. ;D

Your fingers ran the line down my collarbone,
while you held me, soft and warm as you always were;
and you looked at me with earnesty
in the set of your eyes.
Your voice was a delicate whisper,
and it tickled my neck.
“You’re so fragile. I don’t want-”
your eyes lowered.

I looked up at you, smiling,
and shined as I always did with you around,
trusting in your-about-to-be-sweet words.
“You don’t want what?”

“I don’t want to do this to you.”
And your eyes filled up with tears
as you said your goodbye.

Okay. So just a couple of formatting changes for you there. That's a complaint that I seem to have running through more frequently in your works. Now, as far as content goes, let's have some fun.

You have a very prosaic piece here, and you know that. The thing is that this isn't poetry to me. It's prose. Conceal things. Make things into a metaphor. Here, we have a guy leaving a girl, and she is clearly hurt by this. And that's all, Spike. Even your stanza breaks follow the formatting for the dialog rule. So I want to see this take on some poeticism. What can you make of this that's more than itself?

This breaking she experiences, can it be related to a religious experience? A metaphor for abortion? Make something of this. ;D

-Lumi

First I love your poetry. That is both a compliment and an apology for my review being so short, since I just don't have a lot to add. The one thing I really wanted to say was that I thought you ended it in the perfect place--the good poetry leaves some up to the reader, giving only the image and the moral. There's plenty of that here. Bravo.