The Magi {ch. 2}

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I hope this slowed down enough (if slowed is a word) I think its an exciting chapter


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Two:
“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God”

AvaAlt45: Kevin, what were you about to say when I said you were jealous of Greg?
KevAlt54: I was about to say… brb
AvaAlt45: you were about to say brb?
KevAlt54: no… I just… Idk Ava, I’m confused right now.
KevAlt54 logged of at 10:43 p.m.
AvaAlt45: what are you confused about Kev?
AvaAlt45: Kev?
AvaAlt45 logged off at 10:45 p.m
.

Ava sat back in her chair, the wave of emotions that was coursing through her veins. The joy of defeating the demon, the confusion of Kevin’s abrupt sign-off and the hurt of the wound in her side. She rubbed the cut, wishing the pain would go away.
Tap, tap Ava turned, to see her mother walk into the room, holding clean clothes, still warm from the dryer. “Hi honey”
“Hi Mimi,”
“How was school?”
“Where did you go afterwards?”
Ava shifted uncomfortably, she had never told her mother about being an Alt-bringer, it would just make her worry and Ava didn’t want her to. The only person in her family who knew about the Alt- stuff was her brother Justin, who was off at med school.
“I went to Kevin’s with Titi and Greg.”
“I see…” Her mother’s lips pursed, she had never liked Kevin “and what’s this?” she pulled Ava’s laptop, which Ava hadn’t closed onto her lap. Her eyes flew up and down the screen, reading the conversation between Kevin and Ava. Then flicked to Ava’s face and then back to the screen. She snapped the lid shut and looked into Ava’s face. “Ava, I am going to ask you once; what on earth are you thinking hanging out with this boy? Why do you do it?” Her face was sat in a hard cold line.
“Because he’s my best friend Mimi, because he brings out the worst and the best in me.”
Mimi’s lips turned up into an almost imperceptible smile. Then she turned and stomped out of the room.
“Well” Ava grumbled, why does Mimi hate Kevin so much? She thought, opening her laptop up and pulling her text-books from her backpack. It was time to do homework.
******************
Two hours later, Ava had printed off her essays, done the math homework and wrote the first scene in the play she was writing for English. She exited Word* and pulled up SplashFace, the popular social networking site. Kevin had updated his status to thinking… She felt the urge to comment, but didn’t. Knowing him he wouldn’t reply.
Done with homework, now studying the Bible for church on Sunday.
She typed, her fingers flying across the keyboard at her 78 words per minute. That done, she logged onto chat, to see if Kevin was back on. Nope, better try calling him.
She dialed the number she had pressed countless times. He picked up at the second ring.
“What is it Ashes?” Ashes, the nickname from her middle name Ashley that he had given her when they were children, the one he only used when they were alone.
“I want to say I’m sorry”
“for what?”
“for whatever has made you mad.”
“It’s not you who’s made me mad. I’m worried about the Magi. He would never forget to spray a human. I think we need to go to the castle.”
Ava inwardly groaned. “I don’t think so Kevs”
“Ashes, I have this strange feeling that he’s in danger.”
“Last time we went there without permission he almost killed us. “
“Well, there is a big chance that his not there so who cares?”
“I do!” Ava burst out, standing up and knocking her laptop to the floor. “I care. I want to have a life. Not get killed.”
“Ava Ashley Dougnihew, if you wanted a guarantee that you wouldn’t get hurt, you should have never went to the Magi when he called us into apprenticeship.”
Ava blushed, knowing what Kevin said was right, she shouldn’t have. “But-”
“No buts, I’ll pick you up at three. Tonight we are going to the castle.”
Ava heard the click of the Kevin’s cell phone being hung up; she felt the stabbing pain of her wound digging into her side. She wanted somebody to fuss over it, make it okay and tell her not to go to the castle. But no, an Alt-bringer’s life must be hidden in shadow from its family. Or so the Magi had said. She suddenly felt very, very tired and extremely sick to her stomach and pulling herself onto her bed, curled into a ball and fell asleep.

Ava awoke to the soft tap, tap, tap of Kevin at her window. His face shone pearly white from the light of the moon, and he was trying to talk to her through the window. She sat up and felt a warm liquid flow down her arm. Instantly she felt dizzy and faint. Look down she told herself look at your cut. She forced herself to turn her head to catch sight of her side in the mirror. She began to feel sick and looked towards her bed. The sheets were dyed crimson with blood. She took a slow step towards the window, and reached it, her head spinning; opening it as high as she could without lifting her arm. Kevin clambered in and scooped her up, and laid her on her bed. He bent down, tearing her shirt upwards, to reveal the deep, long gash in her skin.
“Why did you not tell me?” he whispered, looking at the gash in wonder.
“I didn’t want you to worry” she mumbled, the pain intensifying with each syllable.
“How’s that working out for ya’?” he said sarcastically
“Not well.”
He laughed and bent down close to her ear, “I need to take you to a doctor, one that won’t ask questions.”
“Justin”
He nodded and scooped her up again, pulling her blankets and pillows together, to make it look like she was asleep. Then he locked her door. “We can’t risk your mother coming in and finding a blood soaked bed, now can we?” he whispered climbing out the window and onto the ledge. The ledge was four feet off the ground and he dropped to the grass easily. Then he ran. When he reached his car at the end of the street he grabbed a blanket from the back and wrapped her in it, carefully laying her down in the passenger seat. He started the car, and let it come to life with a roar, then swung down towards the city where Justin lived, about half an hour away. “come on” he urged the car, his hand stroking Ava’s hair, his heart beating faster than it ever had in his life.
***********************
Kevin knocked on Justin’s apartment door, and then pounded.
“I’m coming, I’m coming” Ava’s brother shouted through the door,
Kevin held Ava tightly in his arms; whispering over and over again “Stay with me Ashes, stay with me.”
Every time he said this Ava would come out of a half un-conscious state, then slowly sink back in; to be jolted back again by Kevin’s voice.
The door swung open and Justin stood there, in boxers and an undershirt. His wife Azalea (a senior Alt-grader) was standing in the shadows behind him, clutching his arm. Justin stared at Ava; her clothes saturated in blood, and then waved them inside.
“What happened” said Azalea as a baby began to cry. “Ugh, she’s awake again.” She disappeared before Kevin had a chance to answer.
Justin waved him over to the counter in the kitchen. “Put her here.” He yanked the layers of cloth off her, till he could her side. He stared down in disbelief and turned on Kevin. “How did this happen?” he demanded, walking towards the living room, where he picked up a briefcase. Then dumping the contents on the counter and beginning to unwind a long gauze bandage.
“I’m not sure” Kevin replied “we had to go to Salt Springs to take care of a Paranormal and I didn’t see her get hurt. Then we had plans to go to Magi’s castle, because he’s missing and I came in to her room and found her asleep, covered in blood.” He took a deep shuddering breath his eyes swimming with tears.
Justin nodded as Azalea came into the room, a baby in her arms, singing softly. “Hush little Allie, go to sleep, Mommy’s got to save your Aunt Ava”
Kevin laughed nervously and walked over to Ava’s side. Her eyes were rolled up into her head, so that only the white of her eyes could be seen. “Ashes” he whispered bending down close to her ear. She groaned and her arm flailed, catching Kevin on the face.
“Ouch” he muttered, rubbing his cheek. And then laughed a large booming laugh. Justin and Azalea stared, not understanding the hilarity that he saw so clearly. “She always told me ‘Kevs if you start crying at my bedside when I’m dying I’ll slap you.’” Then he gasped, realizing what he had just said. “She’s not dying is she Justin?” he said, his hands shaking.
Justin turned, medicine bottles in his hand and a bandage wrapped around his arm. “ I don’t know Kevin. I don’t know.”
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame




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Hi!(:

I know there's a part one, and I read it, so don't worry about that.
Um... the wound, did she get injured in the previous fight? I didn't see anything about Ava being wounded when I read it - disregard this paragraph if it was there and I just didn't notice - so this was a little confusing for me. I would put in some previous indication of her injury. Because I was reading this and I was like - What? When did she get hurt? So it's a little scrambled and abrupt to me.

Overall I think this is a really interesting continuation, I definitely want to read what comes next. :) You definitely did slow down the pace, it's a lot better here. My only advice would be to add in a little more description. Remember - Show, don't tell. I would put in a bit more emotion, especially at the end where Ava is injured; show more in-depth how Kevin feels at the time, for example.

Also, I think you could develop the characters a bit more. You can see a bit of their personality but it still seems a little superficial and two-dimensional to me at the moment. Kevin has some depth, but Ava - this is even more important in her case as she seems to be the central character so far - doesn't. What's her personality like? One of the most important things is turning your MCs into real, believable characters to relate with. I have this problem often with my novels too. What I do is move away form the computer and take out a notebook and pen, and just brainstorm. I make lists or charts and get down details about all of my characters do I know them inside and out. If I know them well, they will spring to life in my writing.

Your grammar is okay, you just make mistakes with dialogue- you need more commas! When you're using a dialogue tag (he shouted, her brother said), there is a comma at the end of the dialogue. For example, when they go to Justin's house:

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Ava's brother shouted through the door. <--- You need the comma after the second 'coming'.
or
"I'm not sure," Kevin replied, "We had to go..." <--- You need the comma after sure and replied.

http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/writ ... uation.htm
http://www.suite101.com/content/five-gr ... og-a295368
^ there's two brief but accurate articles on punctuation in dialogue. :)

Really, I think this is very original and interesting! The idea is great and you definitely are keeping your readers (me, for sure) totally hooked, wanting to read more. Keep writing, and please PM when there's a Part 3 out. This is amazing, and has great potential.




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Hey there Pointe!

Ok, well, once again, I find your story much better than Stargazer. The characters have better dialogue and interaction.

I also don't remember her being wounded, and I find difficult to believe this chapter. First, it was just a small scratch she was rubbing because it hurt, but no more than that. What would make it more real, is for her to notice how humongous her wound is, try to bandage it on her own. Show us her wanting to tell Kevin, but he's acting too weird and she doesn't want to worry him further.

Then suddenly, she bled all over her bed, she's drowsy and lightheaded. Why didn't she wake up from the pain, before? If it was that bad, she should have been tossing and turning in bed, trying to find a comfortable position, breaking her healing wound apart, you know?

Also, how in the world does he scoop her up, and THEN rearrange her bedding? Is he superman in disguise? Don't make your characters too perfect, and don't make everything too easy for them or we won't believe them, or you.

Keep up the good work,
Tanya




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“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God”
Again, like I’ve mentioned in part 1, what does this have to do with the story? I just think the quotes should have some relevance.

AvaAlt45: Kevin, what were you about to say when I said you were jealous of Greg?
KevAlt54: I was about to say… brb
AvaAlt45: you were about to say brb?
KevAlt54: no… I just… Idk Ava, I’m confused right now.
KevAlt54 logged of at 10:43 p.m.
AvaAlt45: what are you confused about Kev?
AvaAlt45: Kev?
AvaAlt45 logged off at 10:45 p.m.

I’m wondering now what an Alt looks like. Describe it! And the way you give them numbers like 45 and 54 makes me think like there are over 54 Alts in all. But from what you tell us, there is only a small group of people that have them. Wouldn’t it be easier to give them numbers like 1, 2, and 3?

Ava sat back in her chair, the wave of emotions that was coursing through her veins. The joy of defeating the demon, the confusion of Kevin’s abrupt sign-off comma and the hurt of the wound in her side. She rubbed the cut, wishing the pain would go away. You never mentioned she was injured before.
Tap, tap Ava turned, to see her mother walk into the room, holding clean clothes, still warm from the dryer. “Hi honey” If you read this sentence, taking pauses at all the commas, it sounds very strange. Try it. I think it should sound more like:
Tap, tap. Ava turned to see her mother walk through her door and into her room, holding a basket of clean clothes.
How would she know the clothes were warm just by looking at them?

“Hi Mimi,”who’s talking? Does she call her mom Mimi?
“How was school?”
“Where did you go afterwards?”If this is all her mom talking, you should keep it in one sentence. It’s really confusing otherwise.
“Hi Mimi, how was school? And where were you this afternoon?”

Ava shifted uncomfortably, she had never told her mother about being an Alt-bringer, it would just make her worry and Ava didn’t want her to. The only person in her family who knew about the Alt- stuff was her brother Justin, who was off at med school.
“I went to Kevin’s with Titi and Greg.”
“I see…” Her mother’s lips pursed, she had never liked Kevin does Ava know why? Did he ever do anything to off put her mom? “and what’s this?” she pulled Ava’s laptop, which Ava hadn’t closed onto her lap. Her eyes flew up and down the screen, reading the conversation between Kevin and Ava. Then flicked to Ava’s face and then back to the screen. She snapped the lid shut and looked into Ava’s face. “Ava, I am going to ask you once; what on earth are you thinking hanging out with this boy? Why do you do it?” Her face was sat in a hard cold line.
“Because he’s my best friend Mimi, because he brings out the worst and the best in me.”
Mimi’s lips turned up into an almost imperceptible smile. Then she turned and stomped out of the room.
“Well” Ava grumbled, why does Mimi hate Kevin so much? She thought, opening her laptop up and pulling her text-books from her backpack. It was time to do homework.
******************
Two hours later, Ava had printed off her essays, done the math homework and wrote the first scene in the play she was writing for English. She exited Word* and pulled up SplashFace, the a popular social networking site. Kevin had updated his status to thinking… She felt the urge to comment, but didn’t. Knowing him he wouldn’t reply.
Done with homework, now studying the Bible for church on Sunday.
She typed, her fingers flying across the keyboard at her 78 words per minute. That done, she logged onto chat, to see if Kevin was back on. Nope, better try calling him.
She dialed the number she had pressed countless times. He picked up at the second ring.
“What is it Ashes?” Ashes, the nickname from her middle name Ashley that he had given her when they were children, the one he only used when they were alone.
“I want to say I’m sorry”
“for what?”
“for whatever has made you mad.” You’re having some capitalization errors.
“It’s not you who’s made me mad. I’m worried about the Magi. He would never forget to spray a human. I think we need to go to the castle.”
Ava inwardly groaned. “I don’t think so Kevs”
“Ashes, I have this strange feeling that he’s in danger.”
“Last time we went there without permission he almost killed us. “
“Well, there is a big chance that his he is not there so who cares?”
“I do!” Ava burst out, standing up and knocking her laptop to the floor. “I care. I want to have a life. Not get killed.”
“Ava Ashley Dougnihew, if you wanted a guarantee that you wouldn’t get hurt, you should have never went to the Magi when he called us into apprenticeship.” how many times have you called your best friend by their full name? It seems like something a mother would say.
Ava blushed, knowing what Kevin said was right, she shouldn’t have. don‘t need this“But-”
“No buts, I’ll pick you up at three. Tonight we are going to the castle.”
Ava heard the click of the Kevin’s cell phone being hung up; she felt the stabbing pain of her wound digging into her side. She wanted somebody to fuss over it, make it okay and tell her not to go to the castle. But no, an Alt-bringer’s life must be hidden in shadow from its their family. Or so the Magi had said. She suddenly felt very, very tired and extremely sick to her stomach and pulling herself onto her bed, curled into a ball and fell asleep.

Ava awoke to the soft tap, tap, tap of Kevin at her window. His face shone pearly white from the light of the moon, and he was trying to talk to her through the window. She sat up and felt a warm liquid flow down her arm. Instantly she felt dizzy and faint. Look down she told herself look at your cut. She forced herself to turn her head to catch sight of her side in the mirror. She began to feel sick and looked towards her bed. The sheets were dyed crimson with blood. She took a slow step towards the window, and reached it, her head spinning; opening it as high as she could without lifting her arm. Kevin clambered in and scooped her up, and laid her on her bed. He bent down, tearing her shirt upwards, to reveal the deep, long gash in her skin.
“Why did you not tell me?” he whispered, looking at the gash in wonder.
“I didn’t want you to worry” she mumbled, the pain intensifying with each syllable.
“How’s that working out for ya’?” he said sarcastically
“Not well.”
He laughed and bent down close to her ear, “I need to take you to a doctor, one that won’t ask questions.”
“Justin”
He nodded and scooped her up again, pulling her blankets and pillows together, to make it look like she was asleep. Then he locked her door. “We can’t risk your mother coming in and finding a blood soaked bed, now can we?” he whispered climbing out the window and onto the ledge. The ledge was four feet off the ground and he dropped to the grass easily. Then he ran. When he reached his car at the end of the street he grabbed a blanket from the back and wrapped her in it, carefully laying her down in the passenger seat. He started the car, and let it come to life with a roar, then swung down towards the city where Justin lived, about half an hour away. “come on” he urged the car, his hand stroking Ava’s hair, his heart beating faster than it ever had in his life.
***********************
Kevin knocked on Justin’s apartment door, and then pounded.
“I’m coming, I’m coming” Ava’s brother shouted through the door,
Kevin held Ava tightly in his arms; whispering over and over again “Stay with me Ashes, stay with me.”
Every time he said this Ava would come out of a half un-conscious state, then slowly sink back in; to be jolted back again by Kevin’s voice.
The door swung open and Justin stood there, in boxers and an undershirt. His wife Azalea (a senior Alt-grader) was standing in the shadows behind him, clutching his arm. Justin stared at Ava; her clothes saturated in blood, and then waved them inside.
“What happened” said Azalea as a baby began to cry. “Ugh, she’s awake again.” She disappeared before Kevin had a chance to answer.
Justin waved him over to the counter in the kitchen. “Put her here.” He yanked the layers of cloth off her, till he could her side. He stared down in disbelief and turned on Kevin. “How did this happen?” he demanded, walking towards the living room, where he picked up a briefcase. Then dumping the contents on the counter and beginning to unwind a long gauze bandage.
“I’m not sure” Kevin replied “we had to go to Salt Springs to take care of a Paranormal and I didn’t see her get hurt. Then we had plans to go to Magi’s castle, because he’s missing and I came in to her room and found her asleep, covered in blood.” He took a deep shuddering breath his eyes swimming with tears.
Justin nodded as Azalea came into the room, a baby in her arms, singing softly. “Hush little Allie, go to sleep, Mommy’s got to save your Aunt Ava”
Kevin laughed nervously and walked over to Ava’s side. Her eyes were rolled up into her head, so that only the white of her eyes could be seen. “Ashes” he whispered bending down close to her ear. She groaned and her arm flailed, catching Kevin on the face.
“Ouch” he muttered, rubbing his cheek. And then laughed a large booming laugh. Justin and Azalea stared, not understanding the hilarity that he saw so clearly. “She always told me ‘Kevs if you start crying at my bedside when I’m dying I’ll slap you.’” Then he gasped, realizing what he had just said. “She’s not dying is she Justin?” he said, his hands shaking.
Justin turned, medicine bottles in his hand and a bandage wrapped around his arm. “ I don’t know Kevin. I don’t know.”



This was a huge improvement from chapter one! Slowing down the pace really does wonders for your writing, you should do it all the time.
Your characters are starting to come through :) It was something you lacked in "Stargazer" so I'm really glad to see you're improving. I like how he gives her the nickname 'Ashes'. It's cute.
The only complaint I have is that if she was deathly injured, she would've died a long time ago. No one gets injured, and then waits an entire day bleeding nonstop without telling someone. No one in their right mind would lay back and die, just because they weren't allowed to say anything about their secret mission thingy. So that part was very unrealistic to me.
Reviews for the next chapters will be coming soon :)
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk




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Hey Point. Here again. Hope I'll be able to deliver some more help this time.

For the beginning in this chapter, I think there could not have been anything better. I don't know why but I was in tears because of laughing, maybe, but I just found it funny. Sorry, if it wasn't supposed to be, but all the funny thing in a positive note. I loved when he said I was going to say 'brb'-I totally loved it. That just made me laugh. If you know what I mean. On the other hand, even though you did tell us the full form of the Alt thing, I just don't know exactly what it is. It seems to me like some I-phone or mobile phone. Besides, I am also interested in knowing if it has any magical connection, or any magical power. It'd be interesting to know if it has. So now next time, describe how it looks like, what it actually is for. That'd be good.

Secondly, sometimes your sentences are unfinished or left incomplete. Like the beginning line starting the 'real' chapter. You left it abrupt, I really didn't get any verb there. It was like you were going on the pain in her veins, but what next? What was the pain? Excruciating, or heart-wrenching? I just didn't get that. You should complete the sentence. You really should. Not that it's an important thing, but still doing it would make your sentences complete. As I guess I have mentioned earlier, you should try fixing your dialog. They are really clumsy and you really need to work on them and also the way of putting them in written.

Overall, I felt this was better than the chapter we read earlier, and I must commend that you ARE getting better with every chapter you write and I am finding more and more new words. But my one comment or a warning would be that don't get too engrossed in bringing up complicated but new words, and you should also try focusing on more important things. Like dialog? Grammar? And most importantly how to keep your readers interested. Right now, to be honest, what I think is that the personality of the characters is not reaching to me. They are pretty bland. I can't see through them. Their emotions are described in a particular situation. That too not to the full. It's like in your efforts to keep this secretive for us, to keep us guessing what 'spraying' and all could mean, you are confusing us. Just don't drag on this mystery for so long. It might totally pull off your readers. So do tell us what the problem is with the 'spraying' thing-what and why are they doing it. And what happens when they do it. You need not go into full extent, but yeah, try to be less secretive about all this stuff. Remember, it's something Sci-Fi and Fantasy sort of thing, so you can't drag the main things for so long and get your readers frustrated.

Now coming back to the techniques you can use to bring in your characters to us is handing them each a trait or a habit, however awkward they might be. Remember again the point is to love your characters. So it doesn't mean that an evil character or a negative one would be brushed by you. You should love it, too. Just like a mother loves all her children-she can't love someone less just because they're evil or maybe little slow than others. So even if your character is negative, you'll give them some negative trait(of course) and then you would develop their character. Don't always show them evil. They can also have some good traits, and honestly speaking gone are the days for wonderful, pure MCs or even characters. More the cruel, more the hit it goes. But don't take this as to give every character something negative. You need to balance out. Negativity all around can drive your readers depressed.

Now to make whatever I said more easier to understand. Do this. Sit down with pen and paper and write the names of most of your characters, or rather the important ones for now. Start off with their descriptions. Then go on to their personality. Are they bubbly? Soft-spoken? Selfish? Just add adjectives and emotions. Then write something good or bad. Or rather some history. Have you seen the profile for a SB? You know how it looks? Go by those guidelines in the beginning, and then go on forward by adding more things/characteristics, or maybe titles. Writing down their history would save you the hassle of changing things as you go ahead, and if there's something traumatic or anything unique in their past which accounts for a particular type of behaviour, then it'd be easier to show the symptoms right from the beginning.

Now something related to particular characters. Like let's take Ava's mom. The way she came in could have been a bit...realistic. What I mean is that besides tap, tap there could have been more to her entry. Like this just seemed a bit awkward to say and it was like she was some ghost who came suddenly. Anyways, not a big thing. Next thing-Ava is fine. She needs a touch. Like what kind of a girl she is. Maybe describing her looks might make her better. That brings me to my last point. Descriptions. Need more of them. For how characters and things around them look. We really need it. That also tells a bit, if not much, about the character's personality. Coming on the last thing-you should brush up your grammar a bit, and you'd be set.

Hope it helps,
Shrubbery
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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i loved it, great work describing everything!
The last person to mess with me and my tigerness lost his face...and his COOKIES!




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Hi!

“Hi Mimi,”
“How was school?”
“Where did you go afterwards?”


This is a good example of your dialogue, which in and of itself is pretty good. But also close to incomprehensible, sometimes. It just sits there, all on its lonesome, and it makes it hard to follow. Just adding a small dialogue tag or two, or maybe an action with a name attached to inform of us the speak, would help greatly. Not a big thing, but when it's recurring it can be a problem.

His wife Azalea (a senior Alt-grader)


I find it hard to believe that a med student has a wife and child, even if the only reason is, wouldn't he find it difficult to support a family with such hard schooling and the bills that accompany it? Not saying it's impossible, but it does seem a bit off.

Another small thing about this is, it's a little convenient that his wife just happens to be an Alt-grader, in the same league as your MCs. I mean, it seems to me like something like that would be kinda rare... or maybe not, seeing as those four friends are all a part of it. But it still seems wrong, sorta, that they have so many connections without even trying.

My last thing about this is what borntobe brought up; the injury. She can't've been oblivious to something as serious as that. Well, not oblivious, but downplaying it so much. How could she move so easily, or not be in amazing amounts of pain? Or get home like that, nonetheless pretend like she was uninjured.

Like borntobe said, I suggest having her try to treat her wound and such, to make it seem more realistic. And also not have it become so severe so quickly. It seemed like the moment Kevin saw her her body had a reaction. Life just isn't that melodramatically timed.

But with a little tweaking, that whole thing will make a lot more sense.

Okay, so one thing I have to commend you for is, I started reading this chapter with quite a few questions, and while you didn't exactly flat out answer them, you gave me just enough information to sustain me until I learn more. So good job with that. I still have a lot of questions, but I guess I'll just have to keep reading to find the answers. :)

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com



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