On The Edge

This was inspired by a really good photo I saw, that brung back memories.

Spoiler

True Story.. Unfortunately.

I'm standing on the edge,
Looking to the ocean,
Enveloped by the winds
That bring me memories..

On that rock,
Standing.. And looking,
I can see your reflection
In the ocean under me..

I see your face
In the violent sea,
Hitting the jagged rock below
I remember..

I remember us sitting here
Looking.. As i do..
Not caring..
Just thinking.

The silence kills me.
I miss your scent
Your touch
Your kiss.

You're gone now..
Went to sea,
It's just me now..
Just me..
The ocean..
The wind..
That remind me of the day
Love found us
In this spot.

I suffer..

Great work mate....
I could just feel all the things which you felt at that edge...
Good work with the emotions....
Keep up the good work....
And for anything PM me...

Hey,
Just stopping by to say that I really enjoyed your poem. The emotions felt real and raw, and your word choice and register seemed in place. Oh, and I happened to notice that you were missing a capital "I" in one place.
Sorry for my lack of expertise, but I just like reading poetry eventhough I don't understand the mechanics of it.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's good that you used such a terrible event to make a beautiful poem, just seems right.
Keep writing!

Yours truly,
|Life|

Wonderful piece- the emotion is really well done. However, you might consider using some more figurative language. It might just be because I'm kind of addicted to imagery, but I think that if you were to use some similes/metaphor, especially towards the end, it would really strengthen this piece.

Also, there were a couple of nitpicks:

I'm standing on the edge,

The edge of what? We don't find out until the next stanza, and it's a little bit jarring when we do. Personally, I went back and read it again, just for the picture in my head to really be formed well.

I see your face
In the violent sea,
Hitting the jagged rock below
I remember..

The first two lines of this made me think of someone staring out at you, almost mournfully, like her soul was still in the water or something, and yearned to be free. But then, the last two lines make it sound like you're reliving the experience when she fell instead, which is a much different image. It really depends on whether you want it to be melancholy sad or horrifying/devastating sad.

I remember us sitting here
Looking.. As i do..
Not caring..
Just thinking.

The way you worded this makes it seem like you aren't caring too- I would say something like, "But we didn't care then, we just thought". Just to show the difference. I'm sure you can come up with something better than my example- just the contradiction is important.



The ending feels like it could be more emotional- the line "I suffer" could be seen as a single-line expression of absolutely devastation, but I really don't think it works well in this. It doesn't really give that whole conclusive feel that is important. Up to you though. Really nice job altogether. c:

-Coral-



I just scrolled up after posting and saw that it's a true story! So sorry that happened to you- that's awful.