Lesson in Breaking

I can not say I really liked this. It lacks the artistic passion necessary to be a successful writer and if I properly understood this I would say it is slightly pessimistic and optimism is something essential to be a true artist in any form of art including literature. I also found the use of unintelligent language that should not be used if you desire to be thought as a person of education and sophistication. But, do not take this critique as the fact that I hate this work I just read everything with a thought that I should constructively criticize the work. I also do not say my writing is perfect that is in the decision of the reader.

Lumi, I don't know quite where to start. What you've got here is powerful. It's abstract, letting the reader draw they're own connections. It's vivid, showing your skill with wordwork. It's gripping, it's soulful, the list goes on. I thank you for writing this.

~TheManintheHat

Perfect.

Okay, so I'm just going to say first off that I read this poem when you first posted it. I hadn't had time to review it but I thought about it later the next day, so I went back to read it a second time. I have know read it a total of three...maybe five times? It's very good and what I admire most is how you managed to weave such powerful imagery into one poem. And, like someone previously mentioned, you had me hooked at "guns."

The only thing that sounded off was this-

In three, two, one—run
before the devils catch up.
If you're going to die, die running.

In every other stanza you have the word "devil" as singular, yet here it is plural. Maybe you have a separate motive for this word that I'm just not seeing, but every time I read this I think if you change it to "before the devil catches up" it will sound better. Just a thought.

I envy your talent at free verse, I must say. This was a lovely poem and I do hope you write many more poems as good as or better than this one. Keep up the good work.

~Selene

I hated this poem.

Completely irrational, but I hated it nonetheless, and I shall attempt to vocalize/pinpoint exactly why. Beware, for this shall be LONG and ramble-ranty. But you already know that.

---

This poem is a dirge—

Already told you this over Skype, but this line is just bleurgh, an unholy blending of melodrama and pretentiousness. Referencing the poem before you have delivered on anything screams amateurish attention-grabbing gimmick, and attributing the descriptor "dirge" to encapsulate its entirety, especially considering that "dirge" is an altogether overused word, especially among those who rely upon "colorful" words to add "drama" and "emotion" to their writing for the lowest possible time and labor rates, just screams to me needy, self-important first line.

"Look at me!" it says. "I am a poem, and I am dramatic and serious! Read me and be awed by my poeticality!"

To which I respond, "... I believe you mean 'poeticism'."

Considering that the first line of any work sets the tone, I suggest you kill this line, burn its sad corpse, and then scatter the ashes into the vastness of space via explosion so that the individual ash particles may never again come into unaided contact with one another.

I told you I hated this line irrationally. >.>

Moving on.

a lesson in breaking just before the cannon fires.

Dirge to psychological/emotional breaking, I can work with. Breaking to a cannon firing, or dirge to a cannon firing, not so much. Now, this wouldn't have been an issue if you'd expanded on the connection right after, but you don't. Which is a shame, really, since this line showed some promise.

Checked for bullets? Now it’s a twig.

The only reason I know this is a Cops and Robbers reference is because you explained it to me. Otherwise, this sudden transformation of gun to twig makes absolutely no sense. Even knowing the reference, the transformation is tenuous. Show the connections. Please. Having at least some semblance of logical idea flow is the difference between being the all-wise and -knowledgeable Master of Koan that the whole world bows down to in awe and being the raving mad lunatic that no one ever bothers listening to even when he's right.

Point it at your sister and fire; you can’t be punished
if it’s self-defense.

Remove your sunglasses while indoors; your
grandmother thinks it’s rude,
but she welcomes you to my funeral. For the sake of you, I am dead.
You’re here for some wisdom? Here’s what I know:

The disjoint here between stanzas is really pronounced, but it kind of works. Then again, I'm trying desperately over here to make connections between all the ideas in this poem, and what I'm getting is that "you" killed their sister in alleged self-defense, and that the narrator of the poem is said sister. Except that doesn't explain the prim and proper granny of "your". Stupid pronoun that refuses to allow me to make sense of this thing.

*muttergrumble and lays on the blame*

sell your father, get your daughter. What’s her name again?
Sam. Her name is Sam.
You fight for your life and even harder for hers, but it’s not quite enough, is it?
The devil knows how to fight, so you should pick up that twig now.

Aimed? Ready? Fire.

These were the only stanzas that actually managed to grab my attention. The holding attention part could use some work, but they did a pretty darn decent job compared to the rest of the poem. Honestly, I think you should have started the poem here; it's far more interesting than what you currently have.

alphabet-and-grape-juice carpet;

And this was about the only piece of the poem I actually liked.

I know you can do better.

...

My God. This poem is LONG! And not in the good and/or enjoyable way. Seriously, condense it. Whatever point(s) you had have been lost in the sheer rambling length of this disjointed monstrosity. It's kind of fascinating to see it lurching along its spasmodic way like an poorly enlivened and stitched-together construct, the kind that's the staple of any mad scientist's retinue, but morbid fascination of the thoroughly perplexed sort does not a good nor thoughtful poem make.

Hack off those unnecessary limbs. Tidy up and tighten those sutures. Fill out its innards with more than just cheap stuffing. And don't forget to give the poor thing some clothes; imagine the scandal you'd create by parading your naked product of unholy science out in decent society.

What's that? I'm getting a bit carried away with the mad-scientist-construct analogy? Nonsense! You can never have too much mad science! Though I suppose you're right; I really should move on...

Pause. The bullet’s mid-air.
He’s glaring at you, that devil; he’s
afraid you’ll win, afraid you’ll
escape. But the devil knows better.
The devil knows best.

This is how life works, sweetheart: you kill the devil
and you die, too.
God needs penance. God needs blood.

About the one thing you do consistently well throughout this poem is flow. The flow here in particular was quite good.

and pray for a tomorrow. If you die in your sleep, you’re lucky like m—
shit. The devil’s alive? You’re alive too, then.

The interruption here hurt to read. Physically hurt. Also, more personal preference, but the "shit" felt cheap. You've managed to write the rest of this poem without having to resort to vulgarities, so why start now?

This poem is a dirge—

DIE!!!

The line, I mean. Not you. I like you. For the most part. But not that way. But you already know that. >.>

Welcome to purging, the baseball field at night
lit by stadium lights.

This sentence makes no sense. There's too much that doesn't make sense. Make it make sense. Please.

If you're going to Hell, go biting and thrashing.

It's the end! Finally! Only... it doesn't feel very much like an ending. And this bugs me. Immensely. I think, if you broke up this sentence more, made it into several more abrupt sentences, it would work better. I'd give a suggestion or two, but brain = less than empty right now. Sorry.

Overall, this poem could be summed up in four words: too long and disjointed. That stanza about the blocks? Pretty useless as far as I can see. Ditto for the fired stanza. Basically, you've got a lot of body parts haphazardly attached to your creature construct, and it's fracturing the poor critter's skeleton, turning it into a splintered mess of bone fragments. You can try splinting the bones, but that's only treating the symptoms; best thing would be to remove the cause, which is the excess limbs.

Once all the extraneous appendages have been amputated, you can go back in and splint those broken bones, strengthening them with perhaps a better arrangement here and some tasty calcium fortification elsewhere. Strong bones are good and all, especially well-shaped ones.

Translation: Figure out exactly what it is you want to say with this poem. Cut out everything that does not directly contribute to this saying. Reorganize until all necessary ideas flow logically. Add back some flesh as needed.

And never request me to review anything when I am this sleep-deprived. I only hope my loopy ramblings make sense/are helpful/are somewhat amusing. >.<

I enjoyed this poem, but is slightly confused me. At first I thought it was someone having flashbacks of their life before they die, but then at the end you proved me wrong. Good job though!

Alot of people like this and I do too... its really good and thoroughly enjoyed. I'm not bothered to add anything more length-y (Sorry but you already have so many its like you know.. Wow!

Good job~You got talent Lumi! Remember that!
Kaka xo

Wow. That was EXCELLENT. It was kind of, I don't know, demented? It had this haunted atmosphere to it that really added a pained effect. At first I didn't really get it, and it's still kind of confusing but I understood a little better towards the end. Does it kind of represent people being conflicted? That's kind of what I took away from it. That it was like people going mad because they're so conflicted. Anyways, it was an awesome poem keep it up!

This may be a lame review but oh well I am giving it a shot.

I detected bitterness in this (well no dip, Sherlock) and that is what made me want to read this. It had an artistic flow to this and reminded me of a poem my mam wrote for a contest. It was a bit choppy and sometimes the transitions were a bit confusing. I do love the imagery though and I can picture some girl running from the devil. This actually sheds some light on many lives, which I congragulate you for. I look forward to more like this!

Hey guys! Thanks for all the amazing reviews; they really helped. As you may notice, I've done some drastic overhaul in structure and even in some content. That said, if you still (which you probably do) have suggestions or nit picks, please feel free to review again! I'd love as much help as I can get on this.

-Lumi

WOW
I hope you put this up for the Journal this ROCKS so cool so so cool. At first I didn't get It but then I started understanding.
I can not even believe this is so cool OMG so cool









Sorry for my repeated use of the words SO SO SO COOL!!!

Holy poetry prodigy. Although I didn't quite grasp the meaning I still loved it. The emotion was deep and striking and it grasped my right off the bat. The last stanza was my favorite, it really made the poem in my opinion. I really liked it.

Ready like this is like listening to meshuggah. =)

Wow! I am really awestruck by the power that resonates from this poem. It's hit square in the face and left me smiling foolishly. The voice was awesome. It had I think, a hint of convinction and defiance. The imagery was so powerful that I could imagine it playing out right in front of me! Your tone and mood had a hint of hoplessness in it. The poetic diction was simple which made the imagery more elegant and powerful. Your style is controversial, rare and distinct. Keep it up! I like it a lot!

Hello! =)I really like your poem. I'm not a very good reviewer but I'll say what I think anyway =D I think this poem is really powerful and moving. It has a lot of words that are strong and although I don't understand it =) thats okay because its brilliant and has a lot of hidden meaning! It was interesting and there were alot of techniques and metaphors that were good. I liked the way you put the devil and God and stuff in there, I don't know I just thought it was cool hahaha =) It was a really good poem! I don't find anything wrong with it =) I only wish I could write this good hahaha.