(The story of a girl who killed herself and then decided to blog about it)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay, I will try not to let my thoughts wander off like that again. Anyway, demons can be an okay bunch, but not the ones who live here. There are a few who haunt things, and they really freak me out. Then there is the couple who have take over for the trapped ghosts.
Trapped ghosts, you say? Well, there were the few people who got trapped in the cave under the school grounds when they were trying to convert the old school’s underground food storage area into a bomb shelter during the Cold War. Anyway, those guys suffocated to death, and for a while their souls were too weary to get out. They also did not know any of the Ghost rules, so when the demons came and offered them a way out, they accepted.
But you should never take a deal with a demon or a devil, never! Those poor ghosts had their souls devoured by the demons who now wear their soul skins (that’s the visible manifestation of a ghost that us ghosts, and sometimes you humans, can see). All that’s left of those ghosts is emotions, anger, sadness, pain, etc., all those horrible feelings.
When I say their souls were devoured, I am not really sure I explained things properly, because I don’t really understand myself, actually. See, the souls still exist, just in the “bellies” of the demons (what demons have for bellies isn’t really bellies, but I don’t know any better word for it). The ghost souls will forever feel those bad feelings, and the demons will forever feed off of them. The demons then go make mischief, or just stay underground, both of which makes the souls feel worse, only feeding the demons further. It is a perpetual parasite machine. I really can not imagine a worse hell on earth, or anywhere else, for that matter! It really makes me afraid of the real hell.
The truth is that ghosts have just as much trouble with demons as humans do; there is just a difference in how they approach us. You’d think that once you were dead you wouldn’t have to worry about your soul anymore, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. See, with living people the most important things for a demon to do is be very subtle. Subtle evil is the best kind, because you can drag more living people in that way. With the dead it is the exact opposite.
Demons can not hide what they are to us ghosts; we see them for exactly what they are; but that doesn’t make their tactics any less effective; in fact, it makes them more effective. Demons are the only creatures that can easily travel between The Livings’ world and the Afterlife. Because of this they know about the Afterlife, and we ghosts don’t. You would not believe how many ghosts have been swayed to the side of the demons because they were scared of the unknown.
I know. Can you believe it, ghosts being scared of the Unknown? I mean, all fear really comes from the fear of the Unknown, the fear of death being completely intermingled with it. What greater Unknown is there? But after you’re dead there are still more questions, or at least that’s how it is when you are a ghost. I don’t really know how it works for the souls that have passed on. That’s the real problem, is it not? I just really don’t know. No one does. Well, no one in my position, anyway.
There’s a sweet old ghost who’s a preacher. He was sweet in his life, and he continues to be in his death. He is the only ghost I know who is more than ready to go on to the Next Life, but is still sticking around. He told me that he cannot leave because he has to help others pass on. I believe him because ghosts can not lie. Demons can lie, ghosts can not. At least, we think demons can lie, but we really don’t know.
Anyway, the Preacher Man really is a sweet old fellow. He really wishes that he could find someone to train to help other ghosts to pass on, after having taught ghosts about God. He is actually very close to Billy Bob. I think Billy Bob wanted to go to seminary before he got killed, but now he has discovered the wonders of the library, and I think he finds the idea of never getting to be in the library more horrifying than anything. The preacher ghost’s body is buried here, and there are a lot of souls around here, so he stays here most often; but he was a circuit rider in life, and he continues to be in death. If you don’t know what a circuit rider is, in the olden days there were not enough preachers for all the churches, so a preacher would serve a circuit, meaning that they would go to a different church every Sunday. Depending on the size of the circuit you might not see the preacher but once a month, or even once a year. Most circuit riders tried to get to each of their churches at least four times a year.
The Preacher Man’s circuit was not that big when he was alive, but now it is very large. What’s the size of a state compared to eternity anyway? He does spend the most time around here though. A lot of the members of his old congregation are around here, or their children, and grandchildren, and great- grandchildren. Then there are completely new people like me. I think he would like me to take over for him, because I am much more mobile than Billy Bob; but I am not sure about it all.
The truth is that I actually like the death I am living, er, deathing. I get to read all the time, play computer games, watch movies, and listen to music. Playing on the internet really is the best. I am also not sure if I can really be the right ghost to show people the way. I am confused about everything. It’s been over a century since my death, and I am still a young soul. Preacher Man was a young soldier in the Civil War, and lived a good long life before dying. I will tell you one thing: in death, as in life, looking older makes people think you know a lot, even if you know nothing.
To top it all off, I am also not sure how ghosts will take to knowing about how I died. The only person who knows how I died is Billy Bob and Raf. I am not sure how Preacher Man would take to how I came to be dead. I am not sure if he would not want me around anymore. This is probably really silly, because Preacher Man is pretty accepting; most ghosts are. It comes from realizing that you have an eternity to be dead. Death really is the great equalizer.
Oh, I just looked at my last paragraph and realized that you have no idea who Raf even is! Raf is the demon who’s trying to win me into a deal. I am not really sure what to make of him. He knows more about me than anyone else, and not because I told him anything! It’s really pretty creepy. It’s actually to the point where I am not sure if he doesn’t know me better than I know myself. I don’t think that would be hard, because I don’t think I know me very well at all!
Billy Bob knows me pretty well, but he can read me like he reads a book. He tells me not to let Raf get to me, but I can’t help it. Raf has a silver tongue, and he knows how to use it. He’s got half the population of female students crushing on him. He’s also got most of the staff wrapped around his little finger. This comes partly from charm, talent, and a human vessel that’s fairly attractive; and partly from experience. Not only is Raf a really old demon, but he has lived on this campus before this campus even existed. He just keeps changing vessels. He may even wear a vessel for a long time, get married, have kids, fake his death, then launch himself into a woman’s womb before the fetus has a soul; or he might just create a vessel and show up at an orphanage. No matter how many times he does this, he keeps coming back to this school, either as a student, or a staff member. I’ve seen him come through here a lot.
He did not always bother me, but now he’s turned his attentions on me. The thing is that I’m not sure if he is good or evil. He really is wicked, but he seems just to like to play tricks, and have fun, mostly. When he wants to be evil he can really turn it on. The thing is that not all demons are devils. All devils are evil, but not all demons are. Demons are just like humans in that they still have a choice about how they will go about their existence. I’ve heard stories that some demons even go on to be angels. Others will pick a human vessel, and just end up actually becoming humans, and eventually dying and going on to the Afterlife.
Then some demons just stick around. I’ve seen a few who do a lot of good, but then I’ve seen more who do bad.
Then there are those like Raf. I’m not really sure what to do with him. He’s tried to talk me in to going on to the Afterlife, but so has Preacher Man. He never tries to make a wager with me, or play a game with me like he does with Billy Bob or the soldiers of the area. He also steers clear of the demons dwelling in ghost vessels. As I understand it, doing such a thing can be seen as really dirty in some demon circles. It’s either lower than their status, or too cruel for demons who work in the world of The Livings to stomach. I am not really sure which.
Raf is just one of the few permanent parts of my death. I’ve talked about most of them: Billy Bob, the soldiers, Preacher Man, the Ghost Dwelling Demons, the library, my visits to my brother and Raf. Everything else changes; it’s a part of life. Life changes, death is permanent. Death is the only permanent thing, unless you’re Jesus. If you’re Jesus then you are outside of the rules, so you really don’t count in how humans live and eventually die and go on to the Afterlife. You may be a part of the life of The Livings, and a part of the death of the deathing (I am not sure if these odd life-slash-death words annoy you, but there are not really any good terms to describe the dead as we really are, but tons of words to describe The Livings. If it annoys you then come up with a better term, e-mail it to me and I might use it), but you are not exactly the same.
Ah, my random tangents! You know, I was never really good at staying on topic when I was alive. The doctors tried to give me ADD meds, but I would not take them. I am sure those things poison your mind, not that it actually matters at this point.
You become very disconnected from life after you die. That sounds so obvious, but it’s really true. In many ways ghosts get pleasure from very lifelike things. We still love to see little kids; a lot of us still love music (good music, not like the crap you young whippersnappers listen to nowadays!), books, movies, friends. Are any of these things living persons would say are not pleasures of The Livings? I will tell you something else: I really miss food. I might not give up not having to eat or sleep, both of which can actually be a real bother, but there are a lot of things you miss when you are no longer living.
I think it is probably the same way a child misses the first tooth that fell out. It would be nice to have it back, but they would not trade it in for the nice shiny quarter that appeared under their pillow in exchange. It is about the same for ghosts. We lost a lot, but we gained a lot. We no longer need sleep; but we can pass through walls, we are no longer accountable to a boss, or to that special tyranny, family expectations. Being dead is complete freedom.
Now, I must say that complete freedom doesn’t mean that our lives, er, deaths, are completely easy. You have no idea how boring it can be when you no longer have a goal. A lot of ghosts go to the Afterlife just to escape boredom. If it were not for deathing in a library, I probably would have hightailed it to the Afterlife by now. I really hate being bored! This is why I visit the Dead in the area a lot; especially the newly dead.
As I’ve probably already explained, the newly dead are too weak from the dramatic experience of their death, and too newly dead to understand how to manipulate what we can manipulate. For them, they are just stuck to a small area, totally bored, completely unable to understand why the rest of the ghosts can come and go as they please, and even move from one place to another. Oh, they will probably figure it out eventually on their own, but usually only if they are the ghosts of children, or they are really passive aggressive.
I’ll tell you what, the newly dead ghost of an old person has just as much trouble learning new things as a living old person. The younger you are when you died, the easier you learn when you are dead. Most children are able to move around before the old ones even realize that they are ghosts.
Anyway, what I am trying to explain is why I go visit new ghosts. When Preacher Man is around he will probably come with me. Between the two of us we go around and teach the newly dead how to move around and manipulate the items of the Livings. For me, at first, it was so the newly dead would not go insane with boredom (Remind me to talk about insane ghosts later). Later, though, after I learned about the Ghost Dwelling Demons my reason changed. Had those two spirits known that they could have gotten out on their own they probably would not have made the deal with those demons and been devoured! I don’t want that to happen to another ghost, especially if I can actually prevent it by teaching the newly dead that there is hope after death.
Anyway, I told you to remind me to talk about the Insane Ghosts, Well, I reminded myself! Ha!
So yeah, the Crazy Ghosts, well, that’s not actually the politically correct (yes, ghosts pay due homage to political correctness, only it is our own special form of political correctness, and yikes! is it strict!) thing to call them. Crazy Ghosts, as I first referred to them before I found out how bad an insane ghost was, are either ghosts who were already insane before death, or who go insane after death. You would not think this would be really, really bad, but it truly is. For ghosts, once you are insane, you can never go back.
Now, there is a difference between the ghosts who went insane before death, and those who go insane afterwards. Those who were mad before death are normally okay. Their madness still reflects a very human insanity. They can be calmed down, and even get very close to crossing the border into sanity (of course they can never actually cross that border. For some things, after death is just too late!). Or they can cross into the Madness of the Dead. Now that, my dear friends, is the real problem!
The Madness of the Dead is, to be blunt, a very bad thing. Insane ghosts are very different front sane ones. It’s like a complete evil has taken over. The only beings that seem to be able to stop them are demons, but even the demons seem to be afraid of the Insane Ghosts. Trust me, no one really wants to be around the Insane Ghosts.
There is one who lives here on campus. He’s, just, wow! I mean, oh hell, I can’t really explain him too well. I don’t see him except at night, and I mean really late, though I know he is always around. He lives in the very heart of this small Southern campus. The heart of the campus is a rather large stretch of grass and trees which has stone paths running through so the students don’t have to walk on the actual grass. And students don’t walk on the grass here, not very often. I don’t know if they really know why, but something seems to compel them to stay on the paths the school laid out for them (Hmm! Could there be some kind of ghost activity I’m not aware of?).
The Insane Ghost on the campus, well, his domain is the heart of the campus, and all of the grass and trees and animals that habituate that area. He is a terrifying creature, and one of the few ghosts I know who will change appearance. As ghosts, we can not change our faces, but we can manipulate our image to show our faces with make up, or with different haircuts and styles, or a change of clothes. Most ghosts don’t normally care about such things; but the Insane Ghost does.
The last time I saw him he was wandering around barefoot, shirt open, wearing a dark blue shirt and black pants. I think he probably died of an illness, maybe he had been a student here before, but he clearly has no flesh wound (Then again, neither do I. Ghosts tend to look like how they wish to be remembered when they first die. If that happens to be covered in blood, then no matter what, the ghost will always be covered in blood). Anyway, he is always pale, white-skinned, with long (and I mean long—to the middle of his back) black hair that appears to be wet. Now, none of this sounds terrifying, but his expression makes up for it. And his laugh! Oh, God! I hate his laugh! It actually makes my head ache, and ghosts are not supposed to be able to feel pain, not this long after death!
I will not lie and say I am not scared of this ghost. Everyone is, even Raf! And Raf’s much older than the Insane Ghost. It is just that the Ghost is, well, terrifying. According to Raf not even demons understand insane ghosts. Raf told me that devils have said they know, but he is pretty sure that they are just bluffing to make themselves feel better. More than anything, people fear the unknown; living or dead, people fear the unknown.
I tend to avoid the heart of the campus at all costs. I don’t even like going around it too closely. I have no problem going to see the dead soldiers, because the path to their grave site is really close behind the library. Raf tends to walk around the heart too, mostly because it is a proven fact that the Crazy Ghost hates demons, and is more than willing to destroy them. The only one who is willing to approach the Crazy Ghost is Preacher Man. Preacher Man says that Crazy Ghost has basically lost all sense of who he was, and his humanity, which makes him very dangerous. He also told me that Crazy Ghost would not hurt anyone he likes, which is why Preacher Man is able to get so close.
Anyway, I am tired of calling him the Insane Ghost, so let’s call him Hamlet. I don’t really like either very much, so I think the two will match up really well. I could go off on a Hamlet rant now, but I am sure that it would bore the stuffing out of you, so I will save you from it. For now.
I don’t like Hamlet (the ghost) much though. Besides being freaky I am pretty sure that he hates me. He just stares at me and smiles creepily whenever I have to walk by to catch the bus to Main Campus. Oh, here’s a little factoid for you: if a ghost wants you to see them then you can only see them when they are not in sunlight. Ghosts are invisible to all living things in sunlight; but we stand out as clear as day to other ghosts and demons.
I am now realizing how long this first ‘entry’ has become. It might be better for me to try starting again in a few days. I am really running out of energy and ideas to write now. Yeah, I think I am going to take a break, and I will start writing again in a bit. Okay. Nighty night!
