Black Holes

Spoiler

So I wrote this yesterday at like 5am in the morning, after having had 9 hours of sleep in the past five days. Needless to say, I was a little tired, and was having some weird ideas. I'm definitely going to be sprucing this one up a bit.

black holes burnt
cigarette stains in the dark,
enveloped the planets like
a glutton and his lunch,
ate it up and swept through the
null gravity like a poltergeist, onto the next
Orion and Sirius, ready to intervene
in the stars’ perpetual wars
by ending the ones involved altogether-

they tore and shredded reality
to a blackened, fired husk
that could only half grow back,
kind of like the forest fires and the peeling bark-
but there weren’t any resurrection ferns,
not in that big, black lifeless desert,
and so it remained
blackened and burnt and helpless
like an animal carcass in the woods,
razed by fire and uncared for by life.

bright lights lit the stars’ path,
where they tread with ghostly feet and danced
on bright blue flames:
where they lit the place where the galaxies
convened for a quick meeting,
trying to find a peaceful way to end life,
when all it seemed to bring was death-
but the glorious swirls of everything that was
were too distracted, too negligent, too flighty,
and eventually, too apathetic.

gravity pulled them back to their caste system,
where the universe demanded them to be,
where it laughed and demeaned them,
pushing and pulling and shouting like
an angry man at his crying child-
and they gave up their fight,
and fell back as if unconscious in a pool,
where they floated to their false deaths
in a heavy world, laden with burdened currents
and black water monsters.

and the black holes,
hounds of hell for gases and rocks and craters,
tugged at those who dared rebel,
that dared to pull against the current,
struggling swimmers that wanted simple independence-
but, the blackness swallowed them up,
made a quick solution to the meetings’ problems
taking care of life
by ending it altogether.

Well, I was pretty confused as to what this one was about - it seemed like a flurry of random thoughts that eventually kind of linked in with one another. Perhaps you could make it a little clearer? other than that, I liked your vocabulary and your structure was pretty good too. There was some great imagery created here, making it an intriguing piece.

Comments in bold

black holes burnt
cigarette stains in the dark,
enveloped the planets like
a glutton and his lunch,
ate it up and swept through the
null gravity like a poltergeist, onto the next
Orion and Sirius, ready to intervene
in the stars’ perpetual wars
by ending the ones involved altogether-

I love the first four lines and the imagery there. The flow and rhythm is good, too, the verse reads well. However, I'd reconsider the words you ended some of lines with, for instance line 5. It's the last word of a line that stays with the reader, that last word has potentially the strongest impact, which is why you should pick carefully what word that's going to be for best effect. Apart from that, though, good start.

they tore and shredded reality
to a blackened, fired husk
that could only half grow back,
kind of like the forest fires and the peeling bark-
but there weren’t any resurrection ferns,
not in that big, black lifeless desert,
and so it remained
blackened and burnt and helpless
like an animal carcass in the woods,
razed by fire and uncared for by life.

Good imagery and sense of despair, destruction here. I'd get rid of the "kind of" in the fourth line, it's redundant and doesn't sound good in a poem, especially as you seem to have strong vocabulary in general, you don't need to resort to vague comments of the sort. I like the consistent connotation of reality with a burning forest, though.

bright lights lit the stars’ path,
where they tread with ghostly feet and danced
on bright blue flames:
where they lit the place where the galaxies
convened for a quick meeting,
trying to find a peaceful way to end life,
when all it seemed to bring was death-
but the glorious swirls of everything that was
were too distracted, too negligent, too flighty,
and eventually, too apathetic.

Love the contrast between the imagery of the second and third stanzas, makes the effect of both of them stronger. I like how you picture the stars as well. The third line from the bottom is a bit confusing though - don't get me wrong, the image is great, but your poem needs to be read a few times to be understood as it is, and for me this is just unnecessarily complicating things further. I presume you're referring to the stars here - personally I feel that if you could simplify and perhaps shorten this metaphor a bit it would have the whole stanza flowing more easily and be easier in general to read more smoothly.

gravity pulled them back to their caste system,
where the universe demanded them to be,
where it laughed and demeaned them,
pushing and pulling and shouting like
an angry man at his crying child-
and they gave up their fight,
and fell back as if unconscious in a pool,
where they floated to their false deaths
in a heavy world, laden with burdened currents
and black water monsters.

They as in the stars, right? Could you make that clearer? Apart from that though, I absolutely loved this.

and the black holes,
hounds of hell for gases and rocks and craters,
tugged at those who dared rebel,
that dared to pull against the current,
struggling swimmers that wanted simple independence-
but, the blackness swallowed them up,
made a quick solution to the meetings’ problems
taking care of life
by ending it altogether.

Change the second "dared" to something else, the repetition is unnecessary and looks bad. Great metaphors and a nice ending, although I feel that it could me more powerful if you had the "altogether" on a new line.

I really enjoyed this in general. I had a few nit-picky comments, but nothing too big - your imagery and metaphors are truly brilliant. Just serves to show that some of our best work is produced in the middle of the night on sleep deprivation - works for me too Great job again, hope to see more of your poetry around

~Quilly

This is a confusing yet powerful piece, its strong imagery kept me interested but I found it hard to follow to begin with.

hounds of hell for gases and rocks and craters

I just love this line, it gave me the feeling of power.
I just think it should be made a little clearer so its more flowing.
Apart from that, amazing piece of poetry.