One by One (prologue)

I've always enjoyed attending the dinners of the upper class. Watching the women converse about their long silken dresses, while the men boast about their monstrous incomes. You might find it silly that I enjoy such occasions, but my reasoning is very just.
You see, with their wealth comes a false sense of security. You can smell it on them as easily as you can smell their expensive colognes. It makes it almost comical when one of them just, disappears.
You can feel their fear, covered by their silly facades. What's even more humorous is when they see the death. Gunshot's are the most intriguing to watch. Seeing them scatter like tiny rodent fleeing a cat. Even they return to their impudent lives though, just as I do. The only difference is, they don't know my existence. They don't even care. They simply lay in their luxuries that they find so comforting, as I pick them off one by one.

The tiniest of nitpicks:

Flower~Child wrote:Gunshot's are the most intriguing to watch. Seeing them scatter like tiny rodent fleeing a cat.

Not sure why you have apostrophe S.

This is very good. It gave me a feel of your character's personality, set a consistent tone for your story, did not bore me with pointless background details, and it got me interested. I already like your character and this is three paragraphs! I also love the title. I was dawn in right away. You gave a good begging in a short amount of time. This is so refreshing from the writers who refuse to edit out the two pages of 'getting around to telling the story'.

Sorry I didn't actually help you,

A. S.

hmmm this was interesting for me to read. I dont quite get what's going on. Is it just a chat about something random or does it have a greater meaning? I'm not sure... it didn't seem to be either. What i didn't get was about the "gunshots being fun to watch" or whatever. I thought it was good but personally i think it needs to introduce a plot of some sort. Out of five, i give it a three. (; keep going.
I'd read the book if this was the prologue.

I've always enjoyed attending the dinners of the upper class. Watching the women converse about their long silken dresses, while the men boast about their monstrous incomes. You might find it silly that I enjoy such occasions, but my reasoning is very just. I dont think you clearly explained why your reasoning was just.

You see, with their wealth comes a false sense of security. You can smell it on them as easily as you can smell their expensive colognes. It makes it almost comical when one of them just, disappears. I didn't quite understand this ... sorry. I like the mysterious tone in it but it didn't make sense to me.

You can feel their fear, covered by their silly facades. What's even more humorous is when they see the death. Gunshot's are the most intriguing to watch. Seeing them scatter like tiny rodent fleeing a cat. I liked this simile but it didn't seem to have anything to do with gunshots. Even they return to their impudent lives though, just as I do. The only difference is, they don't know my existence. They don't even care. care about ...? They simply lay in their luxuries that they find so comforting, as I pick them off one by one. i got the sense the main character was killing people.

best wishes, Nessa

Hey Flower,

Thanks for the request!

This was definitely different from what I'm used to reading around here, but I liked it.

Something felt off about it, but I'm not sure what. I reread it like three times trying to figure out. I thought maybe the last two paragraphs were a bit repetitive, but then I reread and wasn't too sure. haha. Does that make any sense?

Either way, I was intrigued. I liked seeing this MC's pov, very nicely done.

Is this part of a novel, or something you're trying your hand at?

Let me know if you post more!

Tanya

Heya, Flow!

I'm so sorry this has taken me ages to get to, I really am. I was planning on reviewing this the day after you requested it, but then I ended up being bogged down with homework. Then I ended up getting eve more homework, and I had no time to do anything besides school stuff. Enough of my excuses now though... I shall review!

Because this is pretty short, I don't think I'm going to be an awful lot of help. Hopefully though, I'm not going to be completely useless. I suppose we'll have to wait and see.

This is actually very hard to review... Its certainly interesting and the way it's written is very mysterious, but I can't help but think that may be a bit of an issue. Considering this is a prologue, I can't be too picky on this subject because prologues do end up being rather vague and myserious. In reality, this is about ten lines long. Very short, even for a prologue. I think Id like for you to expand on the whol thing. I'll see if I can explain...

Right now, I'm confused. Your MC's voice is good, but seriously, who the hell is he/she? xD I want to know more about him/her and their situation. That's a good example, actually. I don't even know if it's a guy or a girl. Don't get me wrong though because I dont want to know loads more, but I want to know a bit more - enough for me to understand things a little better. Your MC said that the people don't know he/she exists. Why is that? I can undertand if you don't want to give that away just yet, but what I'd suggest is that you hint at it. That way, people can have an idea, but can't be completely sure. The good thing about that is that your readers always like to have something to go by because that keeps their interest. If they have no idea whatsoever, it can end up being annoying to read on when you hardly know what you are, in fact, reading about. I don't really think I'm making much sense here... but I do hope yo have some sort of idea of what I'm on about.

To be honest, I think that's the only problem I can see here. You need to be a bit mor vivid. Mystery is good, especially in a prologue, but here is a limit. By making things to vague, it only ends up becoming confusing and sometimes even annoying. What you ned to do is to get a good balance. You don't want to simply tell us everything, but you don't want to end up being so vauge, it confuses us either. A way you could do this is by hinting at things. That way, it's not obious what's going on, but us readers can have an idea or something to go by.

Right now, I don't eve know if the MC's human. I'm asuming they are, but hey, I can't be sure. That's something I think you should make clearer. What caught my attention here was the fact that the MC was talking about the upper class. Is your MC in a lower class? Maybe he/she's a butler or something. If so, hint at tha fact. For example, if the MC is a butler, maybe you could mention how they hate the way everyone doesn't pay attention to him/her when they ask him for things due to their incredible laziness or whatever. That's hinting that your MC is a servant of some kind, but it's not completely confirmed, and it's not too obvious too. Do you kind of see what I men by all of this? It's seriously hard to explain.

Overall though, Flow, you've definitely got something good going here. Just be a bit more vivid.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey Flow! So I am here to review this short but very sweet little piece of yours. I'm not going to get into abrstract nitpicking. (i.e., Who is your character? What are they doing? What are their fears and dreams? What was their childhood like? What about their favorite sandwich?) That all seems rather unnecessary in a prologue, as all of it can be explained later on in the story. So let us bide our time.

You can smell it on them as easily as you can smell their expensive colognes.

I quite enjoy this line.

It makes it almost comical when one of them just, disappears.

No comma is needed here.

You can feel their fear, covered by their silly facades.

Christy's mom: Stephanie, spell facade.

(Christy doubles over laughing for no apparent reason.)

What's even more humorous is when they see the death.

The use of the words "the death" sounds awkward here. I would either omit "the" or change it to something else.

Gunshot's are the most intriguing to watch.

I think someone already pointed this out, but no apostrophe.

Even they return to their impudent lives though, just as I do.

It might be better to leave out "though" here. However, if you want to keep it, separate it from "lives" with a comma.

The only difference is, they don't know my existence.

Add an "of" after "know."

They simply lay in their luxuries that they find so comforting,

Grammatically speaking, "lay" should be "lie."

as I pick them off one by one.

^^^Like, like, like this.^^^

I love this piece. I wish there were more, but I TRUST you will write more. I'm very interested to see where this story goes. I barely even know this assassin, yet I'm already practically in love with him (or her. . . .). Please continue!!! *puppy eyes*