Illusions

It was a bright and colorful day, the blues were a glowing cerulean, and the greens were almost neon, all the colors seemed to glow. I lounged on the grass pretending to tan. I couldn’t actually tan—no one could if they were wearing as much sun block as I was. I pretended to tan as I watched the clouds waltz across the sky.

I heard the gate click, and I turned my head to smile at him. He stood taller than usual, and wore what looked like a brand new sports coat. I frowned, was I too casual for the occasion? He assured me that even in my miniskirt and grungy t-shirt, I was suited very well for any occasion. I was still fretting when he pulled me to my feet, he just laughed and blew my discomfort away.

My vision of what this party was going to be like was nothing compared to the actuality. It was almost like a three-ring-circus; one of the rings though, was a keg. The other two featured an actual elephant, and a band. An honest-to-God elephant.

I got to ride the honest-to-God elephant, and that was all I could think about for the rest of the party. The band wasn’t very impressive, and they wouldn’t let me have any of the beer because I wasn’t 21 for another month. So we left long before it was over, and still counted the date as a success.

We walked back to my place hand-in-hand, and laid out on the grass watching the clouds as they waltzed across the moonlit sky.

And all too soon these purple images began to fade, and the clouds—rather than waltzing beautifully—rumbled like a harsh rain cloud as it had rained on me for the last few hours, while I had lay in the grass alone.

I'm going to review your work, as I said, Alice. Firstly, I want to ask you a series of questions and I'll tell you why.

What was the point of this piece
I'm guessing it was the last paragraph right? You were trying to show that there was some kind of break-up? Or maybe it was all just a wishful dream? Well the last paragraph achieved that well. HOWEVER - I literally scanned over the rest of your piece. Because it had zero action. It was all passive. That's not a bad thing, but writing a passive voice in first person makes it sound awfully like somebody telling a story. And unless that person is a British grandmother with a Boston accent and a husband that worked for the CIA... nobody wants to hear stories.

Who are your characters
I get the Prince Charming doesn't have to be well developed, but this story is obviously character driven, right? Make your main character more defined - especially since you're using first person. I really would love to read this story in third person. You could do it in that, make it 3 paragraphs and earn a Like from me, but it's your story. First person requires an interesting voice.
Also, on Prince Charming, maybe you should use a little more description? Description not in the casual sense of the word. I don't need to know how his eyebrows slant. Sometimes you can best describe someone by focusing on one thing. Consider this:

He was a tall, dark man with brown eyes, brown hair and a frown on his face. He looked at me with this grim expression as he shuffled around in his pocket for money. The hobo paid the shop assistant and left.

It's not apparent at first that he's a hobo, and you took three sentences.

The man had a dirty scowl, and an old, tattered, vomit green burret. He paid the cashier and left, glaring at me first.

Shorter. Not in physical length but it's more defined. And much more powerful.

You could always describe Prince Charming by something small. Is he just that good kid that broke your heart? The jock? The rich boy? Did he die? Was he the god boy gone bad?

Example of how to illustrate him as the rich boy:

His gold watch ticked away as we counted the star, his teeth milky as the moon.

Not the best, but you get the idea. Small and potent wins the heart.

Anyway, that's all I have to say. The story just needs to have more contrast, perhaps be shorter and have better points during the carnival. Elimnate that first scene because this doesn't seem to be made up out of scenes as it is the seems of a memory, you know?

God bless,
TheNewHero.

EDIT: I slapped meself and re-read your story. A lot of what I said above doesn't apply that much now, but I left it up anyway. *Likes*

Hi! I'm gonna review this little piece for you. Sorry beforehand if I end up being harsh.

It was a bright and colorful day, the blues were a glowing cerulean, and the greens were almost neon, all the colors seemed to glow.

I have two points to make on this sentence.

First, the structure. There are comma splices galore. A comma splice is this:

The girl got a new dog, the girl loved the dog.

Basically, it's putting a comma where a period, hyphen, or semicolon would go. The sentence could be written like any of these:

"The girl got a new dog. The girl loved the dog." "The girl got a new dog; she loved her dog." "The girl got a new dog, whom she loved." The girl got a new dog - she loved that dog."

Any of these is grammatically correct. For your sentence, here's one way that would make it correct:

It was a bright and colorful day - the blues were a glowing cerulean, and the greens were almost neon. All the colors seemed to glow.

But with rewording and different punctuation, there are a lot of ways that could make this correct, ways that are a lot better than what I put. Just make sure that there are no comma splices. (Also, I've noticed that there are quite a few comma splices elsewhere in this piece, and I encourage you to go through and pick them out.)

My second point is to not be redundant. You use the word "glow/glowing" twice, in the same sentence no less. You also use "color/colorful." You don't want adjectives like these so close together, even with paragraphs between, because they stick out. What we, the readers, want is varied language and new ways of putting things. For this particular sentence, I'd find new describing words, or even delete what I made into the second sentence altogether as it adds really nothing to the paragraph.

I pretended to tan as I watched the clouds waltz across the sky.

You already said that the person was pretending to tan. For less repetition, change it to something like "I just liked watching the clouds waltz across the sky."

I heard the gate click, and I turned my head to smile at him. He stood taller than usual, and wore what looked like a brand new sports coat. I frowned, was I too casual for the occasion? He assured me that even in my miniskirt and grungy t-shirt, I was suited very well for any occasion. I was still fretting when he pulled me to my feet, he just laughed and blew my discomfort away.

I did this, he responded with this, this happened, then this. This marks the beginning of where you enter into telling, not showing. I get that this piece is meant to be told like this, but I think you're going about it all wrong.

Firstly, you start with description, making me feel like this piece is going to be a descriptive, action-included post (because "pretending to tan" and "watching the clouds waltz across the sky" are actions). The start isn't bad, but it's inconsistent with the rest of the piece.

Second, like TheNewHero said, this piece is made more for third person. Not to say that pieces like this can't be first person, but first person is made to feel like you are the character, and you feel what they feel and experience everything as they do. That's not happening in this.

Thirdly, you're giving us the wrong details. Example:

I got to ride the honest-to-God elephant, and that was all I could think about for the rest of the party. The band wasn’t very impressive, and they wouldn’t let me have any of the beer because I wasn’t 21 for another month. So we left long before it was over, and still counted the date as a success.

She still counted the date as a success. Why? All we see is why it was bad, not why it was good, other than the elephant part. But we don't hear anything about him. Or what they did. Or even where it was at. Really, we don't eve know how she feels about riding the elephant.

In fiction writing, you have to make every word count. Tell us the drawbacks of the date, that's fine, but also tell us the good part, or why she wasn't miserable or didn't hate it. If there are cons, give us pros and make them overthrow the cons.

Another thing I want to point out is, I can't picture the party. I don't have an idea of where it is or who is there. There is an elephant, a keg, and a band. Those don't match anything in my mind. So give me the right details so I can see it. Something like,

My vision of what this party was going to be like was nothing compared to the actuality. The lousy band and keg were common enough, but the boardwalk was overwhelmed by the hired elephant - and yes, I did say an elephant. I was terrified, but to not offend the not-quite-in-their-right-mind host, I rode it. It was actually sort of fun, and was the only thing I could think of the rest of the night.

Okay, I know this is a bad example, but entering key details like "boardwalk," "hired elephant," and "not-quite-in-their-right-mind host" gives a basic idea of the setting and the reader can make up the rest.

To finish this review off, I gotta say, what's the point of this? What am I, the reader, supposed to gain from reading it, and what is the theme or overall impression you're trying to leave with me? Because I'm not sure. This piece has potential, but it's confused. You need to ask yourself those questions, and once you have your theme, write the piece with it in mind. Keep that tone in your word choice and make sure your details support it. Otherwise you're going to give mixed messages and the reader won't have gained anything.

Sorry if I've been harsh, and also, sorry if this is a bit incomprehensible. If you have any questions or would like to comment on anything I've said, PM me and I'll be glad to help out.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

So everything is but an illusion, a cinderella dreaming of a prince charming plus a dream to ride an elephant plus a boring band. Your work tells me that you don't mix all wonderful things to come up with a dream moment, because there's the presence of the boring band.. And woke up to find yourself alone. For me I'd prefer that everything in that dream would be magical so you'll wake up in exactly opposite situation.. Anyway, your piece got me reading to the last phrase.
Keep up the spirit of writing..