Innocent; Chapter 1.

So my new story...here it goes

At the top of the street, there is something strange,
A garden.
What’s strange is that it has no purpose.
No purpose at all…

The classrooms clock ticked and tocked, it was the only thing you could here in the deadness of the room, its longest arm crept forward, in a speed that seemed too slow to be possible towards the number six.

Ten students slumped in the chairs waited for the clock to turn to half past three.

“I am never talking to you in class…ever, ever again” Iris Hues muttered to her friend Matt who was slouched next to her.

“Well, saying that you sit next to me in every lesson, that’s going to be pretty hard” Matt said in a smug voice.

“Stupid, arrogant, smart arsed twat…” She said, just as the bell rang.

Not only did they have classes together, the two friends lived next door.

Iris and Matt were complete opposites, to start of Iris was a girl and Matt a boy, as if that wasn’t obvious enough, And Iris, and she had never got on with boys anyways.
But Matt was one of the ‘hot’ football guys, and Iris was just, normal…she had never belonged in any group. It wasn’t like some American drama were he had just fallen in love with someone outside the ‘elite’ group, they were just best friends.

They walked down the street, it was thin straight street, but it was scruffy…they had both grown up living in one of the two bedroom terraced houses, but slowly this part of town had become one of the roughest parts of Manchester.

She had walked past the garden that took up half of the right side of Ebony Rd, it was surrounded by green gates, it was dead now, the plants were shrivelled and empty beer cans were chucked here, there and every were.

“Want to go for a walk later?” Matt asked.

“Okay, I’ll knock after I’m changed.”

She got in; he dad was laid on the couch, and her step mum in the kitchen.

“I’m home!” She said.

“Yes, from your detention…” She heard her step mums, stern voice come from the kitchen.

She rolled her eyes, she didn’t hate her step mum, but she thought she was funny…it was just upsetting, and hurtful, and put people down.

She walked into her room, her walls covered in posters, the black carpet and multicoloured walls that surrounded her was the only place she could be herself.

Then the photo of her and her mum caught her eye, it was taken only a few weeks before she died…both happy faces, and it reminded her of how much she had changed in the last three years.

But she was too scared to go back to who she was.

She got changed into a simple pair of jeans and a hoodie and headed out.
She knocked on Matt’s door, and he came straight to it and they started to walk.

They didn’t really know were they were going, but they ended up back at the street, it was winter and it was five o’clock, and already dark.

They tried to figure something to do, when something caught her eye.

“Matt, look…” She said…

Matt looked towards were she was motioning, and saw what she was on about.

The lock to the garden was broken, and Iris was looking up at him with a very mischievous glint in her eyes.

It was too late, she ran off into the garden, stomping of plants…no doubt it was dangerous…

He caught up with her, but they didn’t leave, they decided to enter the shed at the bottom of the garden, Iris remembered how she created a horror story for the shed, a lot like the myth of the bloody Mary myth, but she wasn’t going to go into that.

The back of the shed was made totally out of glass, but it was so dusty…Iris stepped towards it, and wiped her hand across the glass, the bottom of her hand turned black with dirt and dust but what confused her was that behind the window, was completely black…

Then it smashed, Matt reached out to grab her hand, he succeeded but she fell anyway, pulling him with her.

Quick grammar check on the first line, hear instead of here, really easy mistake. The sudden direct address in the first paragraph too… this is something that drives me crazy when my teacher says stuff about it, but suddenly saying ‘you’ like that is a little disconcerting.

Iris Hues? Really? It's not bad of a name, but you should address that she either likes or hates it, or have someone point out that it's not exactly what a normal parent would name their child.

‘to start of Iris...’, off, not of.

“Iris and Matt were complete opposites, to start of Iris was a girl and Matt a boy, as if that wasn’t obvious enough, And Iris, and she had never got on with boys anyways.” This sentence is kind of... too much. You can say Iris and Matt were complete opposites. You’ve already told us that Iris was a girl and Matt was a boy earlier, give your reader a little credit. The ‘if that wasn’t obvious enough’ comes off as condescending to your reader though I seriously doubt that’s what you were going for. Also, the two ands so close together... Maybe make it two sentences... actually maybe just rearrange all the sentences in that paragraph:
“Iris and Matt were complete opposites. Matt was one of the ‘hot’ football guy and Iris... well Iris was just normal.... She’d never belonged in any group and she had never gotten on with boys in general. Matt was different. It wasn’t like some American drama were he’d fallen in love with someone outside the ‘elite’ group, they were just best friends.”

“They walked down the street, it was thin straight street, but it was scruffy…they had both grown up living in one of the two bedroom terraced houses, but slowly this part of town had become one of the roughest parts of Manchester.” Not a bad sentence, but could use to be more than one sentence. Try this instead:

“They walked down the street. It was thin, straight street but it was scruffy. The pair had grown up living in those two bedroom terraced houses that lined the once nice streets. Slowly this part of town had become one of the roughest parts of Manchester.” (I apologize for adding words to this, but I couldn’t find another way to not make the third sentence a run on).

Ebony Rd should be spelled out, Ebony Road. Also consider combining the paragraph previous with this one. They aren’t so different that they should be separate, and they’re both very short.

Again, and over abundance of commas with not enough periods: “She rolled her eyes, she didn’t hate her step mum, but she thought she was funny…it was just upsetting, and hurtful, and put people down.”

Try this: “She rolled her eyes. She didn’t hate her step mum, she actually thought she was funny, it was just upsetting, and hurtful, and put people down. She walked into her room, her walls covered in posters, the black carpet and multicoloured walls that surrounded her was the only place she could be herself. Then the photo of her and her mum caught her eye, it had been taken only a few weeks before she died…both happy faces. It reminded her of how much she had changed in the last three years.

But she was too scared to go back to who she was.

She got changed into a simple pair of jeans and a hoodie and headed out. She knocked on Matt’s door, and he came straight to it and they started to walk. They didn’t really know where they were going, but they ended up back at the street, it was winter and it was five o’clock, and already dark.”

As I said, a lot of paragraphs can simply be combined. I don’t think I did a great job of it, but just to give you the idea. There are a couple of tense shifts that you need to look out for are well.

So over all: I’m curious as to where this will go. I think I probably wrote like this when I was 15 (so you got a few years on me anyway). It’s not bad, but it could use some polish. There’s definite potential for this. I wish that more would have happened. There were characters and the main setting established, but not a lot. You should either spend more time setting up the home life, or spend less time setting up the home life, and do more description of the garden and the falling bit.

This isn’t perfect by any means, but what I’ve discovered is that as time passes you’ll go back to things you’ve written before and either take aspects of what you’ve written, or just take the whole thing and apply what you’ve learned over time to your original idea. What I’m saying is that I think, given time, this might turn out very interesting; but I think it’s going to be a few years before it will be really good.

Hello Geronimo I'm Mazey, and I think we met in chat... but anyways, I'm here to review. (By the way, your summary of the story caught my eye and pulled me in before I even started reading - great job on that!)

"At the top of the street, there is something strange,
A garden.
What’s strange is that it has no purpose.
No purpose at all…


The classroom's clock ticked and tocked. It was the only thing you could hear in the deadness of the room ("In the deadness of the room" doesn't sound right to me. Perhaps something along the lines of "in the dead room" or "in the deathly quiet of the room"), its longest arm crept forward towards the number six (get rid of the comma) in a speed that seemed too slow to be possible. (towards the number six) The flow of this last sentence would read much better, in my opinion, if you move "towards the number six" where I had it earlier in the sentence.

Ten students slumped in their chairs and waited for the clock to turn to half past three.

“I am never talking to you in class… ever, ever again,” Iris Hues muttered to her friend Matt, who was slouched next to her.

“Well, saying (did you mean the word "saying" or "seeing"? Saying doesn't seem right here, or just that seeing would make more sense) that you sit next to me in every lesson, that’s going to be pretty hard,” (don't forget to end your quotations with either a comma or another punctuation mark) Matt said in a smug voice.

“Stupid, arrogant, smart arsed twat…” She said (you can take out "just" here, it clogs up the sentence) as the bell rang.

Not only did they have classes together, but the two friends lived next door.

Iris and Matt were complete opposites, to start off, Iris was a girl and Matt was (there's some english rule for keeping objects in sentences equal, I can't remember the name, but I know there is one. Having a "was" after Matt makes the sentence balanced) a boy, as if that wasn’t obvious enough . (The next sentence was confusing, did you mean something like this?) And Iris, to make things worse, never really got along with boys anyways.(You can take out the "But" before Matt.) Matt was one of the ‘hot’ football guys, and Iris was just (no comma needed here) normal. (I find - as fun to use as they are, and how much you think it adds emphasis to your words - that using periods in long lines like "..." only delays the reader's thought and jars them from the story. Using them sparingly - and I mean sparingly - is perfectly fine, but only when it is absolutely necessary. For description and simple dialogue, it's best to just keep the periods simple.) She had never belonged in any group. (to help break up pronouns, and to remind the reader of who the story revolves around - especially needed in the first chapter in your story's case, I'd recommend putting this) Matt and Iris weren't likesome American drama were he had just fallen in love with some girl outside his ‘elite’ group, they were just best friends.

They walked down the street. It was a thin straight street, but it was scruffy. They had both grown up living in one of the two bedroom terraced houses (where are these houses? I do not know if they are on the street, or somewhere else entirely.), but slowly this part of town had become one of the roughest parts of Manchester.

She (You do not need "had" before walked. It doesn't fit with the simple past tense you have been using.) walked past the garden that took up half of the right side of Ebony Rd. It was surrounded by green gates andwas dead now. The plants were shrivelled, and empty beer cans were chucked here, there and every were.

“Want to go for a walk later?” Matt asked.

“Okay, I’ll knock after I’m changed.” (I understand what she means by "I'll knock after I'm changed", but some readers might not. Perhaps elaborating more by saying: "I'll knock on your door after I'm changed" might be better.)

She got in; her dad was lying on the couch, and her step mum was in the kitchen.

“I’m home!” She said.

“Yes, from your detention,” She heard her step mum's (no comma) stern voice come from the kitchen.

She rolled her eyes. She didn’t hate her step mum, but she thought she was funny. (In this next sentence, you should change "it" to what "it" is. As a reader, I don't know if "it" refers to Iris's mum herself, or her personality.) It was just upsetting, and hurtful, and put people down.

She walked into her room. Her walls were covered in posters, and the black carpet and multicoloured walls that surrounded her was the only place she could be herself.

Then the photo of her and her real (I put this here because, at first, when I read it, I thought she was referring to her stepmother.) mum caught her eye. It was taken only a few weeks before she died. Both of them had happy faces, and it reminded her of how much she had changed in the last three years.

But she was too scared to go back to who she was.

She (You can leave "got" out, and simply have "changed". I'm sorry if my nit-pickiness is annoying, I'm just super into decluttering sentences!) changed into a simple pair of jeans and a hoodie (the word "and" is used alot in this sentence, perhaps changing "and headed out" to "before heading out".) and headed out.

She knocked on Matt’s door, and he came straight to it. (Again with the "ands"! This time, though, you can break it up into two sentences if you want.) They started to walk.

They didn’t really know were they were going, but they ended up back at the street. (This next sentence comes kind of abruptly, like, all of a sudden you say something about the time of day. Perhaps having Matt and Iris mentioning something to each other in order to make the purpose of stating the time more important.) It was winter, five o’clock, and already dark.

They tried to figure something to do, when something caught Iris's eye.

“Matt, look,” She said.

Matt looked towards were she was motioning, and saw what she was on about.

The lock to the garden was broken, and Iris was looking up at him with a very mischievous glint in her eyes. (I like this sentence. Heehee, it shows me really well a bit of Iris's personality.)

It was too late. She ran off into the garden and was stomping of plants. ("stomping of plants"? Did you mean "somping on plants" or "stomping in plants"?)No doubt it was dangerous.

He caught up with her, but they didn’t leave. They decided to enter the shed at the bottom of the garden. Iris remembered how she created a horror story for the shed (Did she create this story a long time ago, when she was a little girl? Or just now?), and it wasa lot like the myth of the bloody Mary myth, but she wasn’t going to go into that.

The back of the shed was made totally out of glass, but it was so dusty.Iris stepped towards it (no comma here) and wiped her hand across the glass. The bottom of her hand was (because it didn't turn black on it's own! Heehee)turned black with dirt and dust, but what confused her was that behind the window, it was completely black… (or "but what confused her was that it was completely black behind the window", but that's not nearly as dramatic!)

Then it smashed, Matt reached out to grab her hand. He succeeded, but she fell anyway, pulling him with her.


Ahhh! The story is soo good! I want to know what happens! (*following*!) Please please please keep going! Oh, and I loved your introduction. Where did they go? Are they okay? Ahh, the suspense! "But she was too scared to go back to who she was." This. Right here. Got to me. I want to know what's going to happen to Iris - I want to know if she's going to go "back to who she was"... and I kind of want to know "who she was".

The things that really need work on are commas (but who DOESN'T have trouble with commas?) and some pronoun errors that were scattered about. Something for you to work on to help you out in your writing is punctuation, puncutation, and more punctuation. I know it's mundane, boring, and, let's face it, who wants to spend their time learning about punctuation?, but it really does help. You don't even have to go out and read up on it in your spare time, just paying more attention than you usually do in English class helps (well, it did for me, atleast ). But puncutation will come to you in time, it's like riding a bike. It takes a few tries, but eventually you get it. Oh, and with most of my nit-picks, it was really just about "de-cluttering" the sentence. You don't have to take those to heart, but they do help the reader along, and editing your story is all about making it easier for the reader to read.

I hope I helped! If you have any questions, just reply to this. (But I'm not always good about checking my notifications, so a PM would work fine too.)

-Mazey

Hello there, Geronimo! Thanks for the request and my apologies for the slight delay of this review.

Alright, the first thing I would like to address in this review is merely your main character's name. Iris Hues. There are a few slightly obvious reasons why I find this name a bit unbefitting to this character, and just a bad name to choose, in general. The main reason I do not like this name is because it feels like you named the character almost as a joke. Ha ha, Iris Hues, how funny...pun intended? We readers will think so (I know I did). The other reason I would suggest against using Iris Hues as the name is mainly because it seems extremely uncreative. Like, "woo, I'm having a brainfart, so let's just call this main character Iris Hues! Yay!" If you need some help coming up with character names, I suggest looking up baby name lists on Google, and then searching in the year that your character was born. You can usually find some pretty decent names that way. It's what I do when I am stuck!

Another issue I wish to address is how you are writing this story. No, it isn't completely wrong. However, you do seem to harbor a tendency to be a bit 'telly.' Instead of telling us that, for example, Matt is a hot football guy (and every story needs a hot guy, so good job! ^_^), I would rather you show us. Or, perhaps, when you say that they have all their classes together and are neighbors, you could actually show us that, by going through their day a little more? So far, this is pretty short, even for a first chapter, and maybe that would add some "meat" to these bones.

The next problem I want to talk about is your pace. Throughout the first four or five paragraphs, the story is relatively slow, to be honest. Actually, it's more than a little slow -- it's a lot slow, in my opinion. Which is why I was turned off at the beginning. Aside from that, your story starts to pick up once they go on their walk...and then it just rushes forward, like you did not want to take the time and make it longer, so you just crammed it all in within the last paragraphs. Well. I don't like that -- I think them discovering the unlocked garden/falling into the blackness is a bit too rushed, as if you should have built up to that instead. It creates a problem, yes, but...still, I think it's too soon to be going into the garden. You need to build up some suspense first.

I did not want to be too nitpick-y in this review, but one minor issue I did notice was the following sentence:

Geronimo wrote:She got in; her dad was laid on the couch, and her step mum in the kitchen.

I do hope you know that the above sentence basically means that she got in the house, and saw that her dad was lying on both the couch, and on her stepmother in the kitchen. Wow! So, he's in the kitchen, on the couch, and on the stepmother. A bit of a jumbled up mess, don't you think? Instead, change the sentence to: (so it makes more sense)

She got in. Her dad was laid on the couch, but her step mum was in the kitchen.

Overall, however, this was not too bad. Sure, it dragged and then it just boomed forward super fast, but you presented an interesting plot. It makes me wonder what is in the garden, and especially what that blackness behind the shed leads to. So, that's good, you have caught the reader's interest. Still, just work on the above things to smooth it out and improve it a bit more.

Keep writing.
- Mizz