No Title Yet (Prologue)

So, this is the prologue of a story I thought of, and I was wondering if I should keep writing. It's short, and doesn't give away much about the story, but I was just wondering if anyone would be interested. Let me know in a comment :]


“What do you mean, ‘they escaped?’” Mr. Collins’ eyes grew wide.

“It means exactly how it sounds, sir.” The head guard lowered his head. He expected Mr. Collins, his boss, to be absolutely furious. But instead, the man that everyone on the team feared, the one who was known for his confidence and bravery, was speechless. Anger crossed his face for only a second before fear took over. He picked up his glass of water, but his hands were shaking so badly that the water sloshed over the side of the cup, spilling onto the table.

“I assume we’ve already sent out warnings and search troops?” His voice was shaky and uncertain.

“We have. All police in nearby cities and towns are on high alert, as are rangers in the area. We asked for police assistance, but they would only give us so many people to help search.”

Mr. Collins slammed his glass down on the table. “Do they not understand how serious this is?”

“Sir, if I may, I don’t think the situation is as bad as you seem to believe.”

“But it is!” Mr. Collins shouted. “Five highly dangerous teenagers with unimaginable abilities are on the loose! They have been locked up for their entire lives, and now they’re just....free! To do anything they want! Not only that, they’ll be desperate to stay free, so who knows what they’ll do? Probably kill anyone who gets in their way!”

“I’m sorry, sir, we didn’t know it was that bad...”

“I know you didn’t! Get me on the phone with the police.” Mr. Collins drank the small amount of water that was still in his glass, and looked out the window. It was chaos outside. People hurried around, all carrying weapons. There was shouting and screaming, and all the lights outside had been turned on, lighting up the area of forest around the camp. But Mr. Collins knew light wouldn’t help. The kids were already gone.

The guard returned with a phone, the head police officer on the other end. Mr. Collins managed to squeeze a little more help out of the officer, but not much. He hung up and turned to his guard.

“Get the choppers out there,” He said and the guard nodded. “But tell them not to shoot unless absolutely necessary.” Mr. Collins looked out the window. The hunt had begun.

Hey Disturbed! I'm going to review this by giving my thoughts and corrections through your story. For starters, I would name this pretty quick because most people of YWS dislike it when no title is given to a work, they see it as lazyness or low confidence in the work. This might be why your work hasn't been touched yet, and even has a low view count. Comments in red.

DisturbedDisorder wrote:So, this is the prologue of a story I thought of, and I was wondering if I should keep writing. It's short, and doesn't give away much about the story, but I was just wondering if anyone would be interested. Let me know in a comment :]


“What do you mean, ‘they escaped?’” Mr. Collins’ eyes grew wide.

“It means exactly how it sounds, sir.” The head guard lowered his head. He expected Mr. Collins, his boss, to be absolutely furious. But instead, the man that everyone on the team feared, the one who was known for his confidence and bravery, was speechless. Anger crossed his face for only a second before fear took over. He picked up his glass of water, but (this is probably the wrong word to use: the following phrase doesn't contradict the former one. 'Although' or a word like it might be better.) his hands were shaking so badly that the water sloshed over the side of the cup, spilling onto the table.

“I assume we’ve already sent out warnings and search troops?” His voice was shaky and uncertain.

“We have. All police in nearby cities and towns are on high alert, as are rangers in the area. We asked for police assistance, but they would only give us so many people to help search.”

Mr. Collins slammed his glass down on the table. “Do they not understand how serious this is?” (Nice. This clearly states the character's feelings without you telling us)

“Sir, if I may, I don’t think the situation is as bad as you seem to believe.”

“But it is!” Mr. Collins shouted. “Five highly dangerous teenagers with unimaginable (I don't think 'unimaginable' on its own does these abilities justice. If you want them to sound really awesome, you'd cut in with the character's fear of these powers or use a stronger word. 'Unimaginable' can, after all, mean anything.) abilities are on the loose! They have been locked up for their entire lives, and now they’re just....free! To do anything they want! Not only that, they’ll be desperate to stay free, so who knows what they’ll do? Probably kill anyone who gets in their way!”

“I’m sorry, sir, we didn’t know it was that bad...” (Shouldn't this character be shocked in some way? Maybe he thinks Mr. Collins is overestimating?)

“I know you didn’t! Get me on the phone with the police.” Mr. Collins drank the small amount of water that was still in his glass, and looked out the window. It was chaos outside. People hurried around, all carrying weapons. There was shouting and screaming, and all the lights outside had been turned on, lighting up the area of forest around the camp. But Mr. Collins knew light wouldn’t help. The kids were already gone.

The guard returned with a phone, the head police officer on the other end. Mr. Collins managed to squeeze a little more help out of the officer, but not much. He hung up and turned to his guard.

“Get the choppers out there,” he said and the guard nodded. “But tell them not to shoot unless absolutely necessary.” Mr. Collins looked out the window. (You could add a paragraph here to up the effect) The hunt had begun.

This is very well-written and suspenceful, and I liked it! If you were to go on writing I'd be happy to review the next part as well. As I said before, it'd be a good idea to name it. Understand that you don't have to change anything in this, it was just my opinion, but the capitalised 'H' that I've turned into a lower case and indicated in the last paragraph was a punctuation mistake; you don't capitalise after a line of speech ending in a comma.

I hope I was helpful!

Love Durrs

Hello there!

Well, this is not bad but I'm not saying the opposite too. Yes, you have managed to place a bit of suspense or thrill although, it seems a bit one-dimensional? I mean, the boss is angry because some 'dangerous' teenagers have escaped but you didn't grab the chance to tell just a bit of info background about these people. Why were they captured and how did they breakout? This needs more depth, especially that this is a prologue. Though I'm not saying that you should spoonfeed us with every information, no. Just a little introduction might ease up our minds.

Grammar wise, Durrie has covered up those nitpicks and just minor errors, that's all. However, you should familiarize yourself with this writing principle, Show don't tell. If you tell that the boss is angry, it's totally not enough, instead show that his eyebrows are narrow, veins from his neck are showing or even his blood rushed up to his cheeks might be sufficient for your readers to really know that his angry. ^^

Overall, this has potential. Since this is quite short, I don't really have to say anything major for now, plus this is the prologue. Hope I helped and PM me for any questions.

Keep writing,
Yuri

Hiya!

“What do you mean, ‘they escaped?’” Mr. Collins’ eyes grew wide.

IT would be easier to read if you wrote dialogue tags. It was confusing for the first bit to figure out who was talking. I wasn’t sure how many people were in the room.
Mr. Collins shouted, his eyes growing wide.

“It means exactly how it sounds, sir.” The head guard lowered his head.

Said the head guard, lowering his head.

“I assume we’ve already sent out warnings and search troops?” His voice was shaky and uncertain.

Collins said, his voice shaky and uncertain.

If you’re wondering whether or not you should continue this, I say go for it. It might not be the most original idea (teenagers with superpowers on the loose!) but it sure sounds like fun to me. I’m sure it’ll be fun to write, too.
You did a good job writing this. It wasn’t amazing, I mean you could always add more description and challenge yourself to use bigger vocabulary. But there really was nothing wrong with this.
Sorry about the short review here. If you decide to post any more of this though, send me a message and I’d be happy to review the next part!
Good luck writing!
~blacksheep