The Magi {Ch. 1}

Spoiler

this is a novel that I have been working REALLY hard on. I'm very proud of it. except the linking Pinkies part. Should I cut it out? Reviews are appreciated. If you can think of a better title, let me know.

Spoiler

I'm going to try to make this a spirtually novel... Qoutes from the bible at the beginnig and stuff.

Spoiler

Don-e-hew is how you pronouce Ava's last name

One:
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
Psalms 30:5

Ava Dougnihew stood at her locker, twirling the dial, 8-6-7-5-3-0-9 as the numbers whirled into place, she heard a snick, yanking open the door. Beep, beep, beep. “Not again,” she groaned, pulling her Alt-grader from the top shelf of the closet.
Paranormal activity in Salt Springs
Was all it read, but she knew what that meant. Three other people across the school would be getting the same message, and after school they would all meet outside Ava’s house to catch the Ghoul or Goblin lurking in Salt Springs. Kevin, Ava’s best friend came up behind her; carrying his Alt-grader.
“Kevin” she snarled, slamming her locker door shut. “You know better than to carry your alt-grader around school.”
“Ah who cares” he shrugged his shoulders “they know who we are anyway.”
Despite his care-free attitude, Ava saw him glance over his shoulder.
“They know we’re here. Not our identities.”
“Whatever.”
“Put it in here,” she said grabbing the Alt-grader from him and stuffed it in her locker.
“Why do they call it an Alt-grader anyway?” he said, leaning against the wall, and balancing on one foot.
“You know the answer to that question Kevin Price.”
“Refresh my memory,”
“Kevin you forget more than a two year old”
“You wound me!” he cried putting a hand over his heart.
“An Alt is an Andesitic Link Telephone and grader stands for…” she petered off, her mind drawing a blank.
As she opened her mouth to say what she thought grader stood for, her neighbor and fellow Alt-Bringer Tatiana walked up and spun the dial of her lock.
“Hey Titi” said Ava, pulling her phone from her pocket and reading the text message that was scrolling across the screen.
Avs,
Did ya’ get on Moonie’s message?
Rotten luck ain’t it?
Greg
“Got a text from Greg,” Ava and Tatiana said at the same time.
Automatically they linked pinkies, grinning at each other.
*******************************************
After school, Ava and Kevin walked out the double doors, across the parking lot, to Kevin’s Vista Cruiser Station Wagon ’77.
“Your cars falling apart” Ava commented
“Don’t talk like that. Or you can’t have a ride.”
Ava opened her mouth, and then closed it again; swiping him on the arm.
“You’re kidding”
“No I’m not.”
They climbed into the car and it groaned under their weight,
“We need to lose weight.” Kevin grumbled
“You can, but I’m not becoming Anorexic for your car.”
He laughed and then started drumming his fingers on the steering wheel, Humming Usher.
Ava switched on the radio 99.9 and Rascal Flatts started singing,

I wake up, and teardrops that fall down like rain,
I turn on that old song we danced to,
And then…

The song stopped playing and the female announcer started rattling off news.
Ava ignored it until the announcer sang out:
“Salt Springs experienced another phenomenon; Lila Jones claims that her house was completely rearranged by an unseen force.”
Ava sat up, clenching Kevin’s arm, which was sprawled across the bench seat, his hand resting on her leg, tapping up and down, up and down. He turned around, listening to the last part of the broadcast:
“Could Salt Springs really be haunted? And now I’m turning it over to the plain white tees with their hit single: 1, 2, 3, 4”
Ava switched off the radio, turning to Kevin, her face furrowed. “Why are the mortals noticing? Shouldn’t Moonie have covered their minds with Forget-me-not spray?”
Kevin shrugged, and then rubbed his temples. “It’s confusing for sure.”
“Should we try to contact him through the Alt-grader?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never tried it before.”
Ava whipped out her carry- Alt grader and went to messages.

Moonie,
Why haven’t the humans been sprayed?
Ava and Kevin

Ava hit what she thought was the sent button then leaned back, thinking hard.
Something must have happened to Moonie. He would never forget to spray a mortal…
the car swung into Ava’s driveway, and Ava saw Titi and Greg were already there. And they were kissing.
Ava groaned, feeling the strong urge to throw some rocks from the asphalt at the two.
Kevin grinned, “Now I see why you were rubbing deodorant on yourself during English.” He shouted, making the two turn, their faces masks of anger.
“Kev…” Ava said warningly, glancing up the drive towards the house. He ignored her.
“And why you were eating breath mints like they were Kit-Kat’s or something. “
Greg balled his hands into fists started striding down the drive towards Kevin and Ava.
“Now boys” said Ava in her best pre-school teacher voice
“Let’s not get into a fight...”
“Yeah” said Titi grabbing Greg’s hand and pulling him towards the station wagon. “Let’s not fight”

Ava climbed back into the passenger’s seat and started telling the other two about the mysterious message on the radio, and about sending Moonie a message.
“Has he replied?” said Tatiana
“I don’t know.” Ava pulled out her carry- Alt-grader and looked at the screen.
“nothing.” She said, turning her attention to the road.
Tatiana and Greg, sensing the conversation was over, pulled on their seat-belts to get closer to each other. Kevin sighed, looking in the rearview mirror.
“It was so much easier before they admitted having feelings for each other.”
Ava laughed, and punched him in the arm. “You’re just jealous”
“Of Greg?”
“Yes of Greg. You would kill to be kissing Titi right now.”
Kevin shot her a look, which even in the failing light she caught. “Not Titi” he said slowly, smoothly turning the wheel at a sign that read Welcome to Salt Springs!
“What do you-" Ava was interrupted by a shriek, the shriek of a demon in search of blood.
************************************************************************************
Ava whipped out her dagger, which could be concealed as a pen. The four prepared themselves, taking Bows and arrows, swords and daggers from various hiding places on their person. They huddled together, wishing each other luck (Greg and Tatiana kissed) and they were off.

On field Ava felt nothing and thought nothing. She slashed through the air, as the demon took a solid form. The demon was young, and it didn’t take long for the Four to overtake it. Ava, Greg, Tatiana and Kevin then stood in a circle, linking hands and began chanting;
“We, the Alt-bringers, have brought you to your doom, phantom.
We were specially trained by the Magi, and he taught us that the Alt-bringers honor god,
By bringing the devil’s demons that haunt the earth to justice.
We will now take you to a grave, which when dug will pin you under the earth, to your rightful home”

The walked slowly, hands clasped, until the demon was encircled by a golden cage, then as one they closed their eyes and sang:
“Leave fated phantom and never walk this earth again!” and with a hiss, the ghost disappeared. Forever.

Loved the whole chapter! I think the idea is fantastic!

I like it, it really reeled me in. I think its a great start although u didn't say much about the battle with the demon u kinda ended it fast but i must say its a awesome story idea

Hey point.

It turns out I can get to this sooner than I thought, so yay. You're my last request of the night, so I think I may sleep after I'm done with this... Not that you need to know that, but hey, I like sharing. As always, if you have any questions or anything after this review, be sure to let me know.

Ava Dougnihew stood at her locker...

Ava who? I don't think that's pronounceable... The problem with that surname, although it is creative which is good, is that it has very hard to know how to pronounce it. That can annoy a reader. I'm pronouncing it like Doug-new, but I'm not sure what it's supposed to be like. I'd either suggest that you let us know at the beginning how to pronounce it, or change the name to something as creative, but simpler to pronounce.

Like the other guys have said, I really like this story idea. It's really similar to a SB in in at the moment, actually. From what I can tell of the novel, so far, it's pretty original too, so well done for that. You've got some action in here, some interesitng characters and overall, it's pretty good. There are one or two things I have to suggest for you though, as always.

The thing is though is that what I want to critique here is the same as what I've said in my reviews of The Stargazer. The main one being that I want you to slow down! Although it was good for you to have some action in this, a lot of things seemed to be happening in such a short amount of time. I'll see if I can explain the events in their correct order. You'll hopedully be able to see what I mean a little clearer then.

Once second, your MC was in the hallway, the next, she gets a text, then Kevin appeared, then Tatiana appeared, then she was suddenly outside, then they saw Greg and Tatiana, then the boys were about to fight, then they heard about the demon thingys, then a demon appeared, then they started fighting it. Do you see? A lot of things happened.

Now, it's nt the fact tha a lot of things happened is really the problem, but the fact that it all happened so quickly. It was kind of like one thing happened, and before we could grasp what was happening fully, the next thing happened. Because of that, I had to read some parts over because I didn't completely understand what was going on, or what you were trying to describe. I have explained the problems with fast pacing in previous reviews, so I don't want to drag this on. Just bear in mind what I've said before and edit this piece accordingly. If you do that, this will be really great, I think.

Also, I'm a little confused about some details, partly because of the fast pace. For example, I think you implied somewhere that your MCs weren't human. If that is the case, then what are they? Does everyone know they're not human? Do others know about their demon fighting? Why do they go to school if they aren't human? Or are they partially human? What is the whole situation about exactly? You know, where do they live? How long has the paranormal activity thing been going on? Has there been an increse of it? Things like that. Right now, I'm a bit confused about some things, so I think you could make some elements of this clearer than they are at this moment.

Overall though, I can cerainly see some potential in this. Be sure to allow it to reach its full potential!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey Pointe! Yes, you're right I haven't reviewed anything for you as of late. ^^

Okay, to start off with. I noticed you had quite a bit of comma errors and improper punctuation in a quite a bit of places which I'd like to address first.

“Kevin” she snarled, slamming her locker door shut. “You know better than to carry your alt-grader around school.”

I find that most of your mistakes come from dialogue punctuation and so on. Right here, you need a comma after "Kevin". Knowing these basic comma rules and all will strengthen your writing and will allow more readers and reviewers to come take a look at your work so be sure to brush up on that knowledge because it's quite important. If you're having trouble you can always PM me about it and I'll try to help you understand anything you're unfamiliar with. Also, I've complied a few links that are available on YWS for you to use that could help you understand the rules of the "comma" (dun, dun, dun) a little better.
topic44898.html <- Punctuation with Dialogue
topic19432.html <- Using Grammar
topic44752.html <- Punctuation Marks
There are plenty of more helpful topics there too, just click "here"

Paranormal activity in Salt Springs
Was all it read, but she knew what that meant. Three other people across the school would be getting the same message, and after school they would all meet outside Ava’s house to catch the Ghoul or Goblin lurking in Salt Springs.

Wow, this reminds me of my own storybook...Weird. XD
I also have a group of people fighting demons. Anyway, pushing that aside I think you should have given us a second to know your characters before you jumped into this action. Also, I think that you should tell us what this Alt-grader is and what it does and blah, blah, blah, because I feel a bit lost as to what's going on. It happens too fast and I barely have the chance to take it all in.

“You wound me!” he cried putting a hand over his heart.

Should be "You hurt me!" Wound isn't used in the right context here, I don't think it is. it just sounds very weird. You could say "You wounded me" but it's still not as good as hurt.

“Why are the mortals noticing? Shouldn’t Moonie have covered their minds with Forget-me-not spray?”

Forget me not = Don't forget
I'm pretty sure this spray is used to make people forget, not make them remember, right?


Now, I'm not going to nitpick every little thing so we'll just go into the overall here.

First of all, your introduction could use some revising/work. Right now, it jumps straight into the plot and sometimes that a good thing but as of right now, you've built a very different word with demons and ghouls and all that crazy stuff so we need you to slow things down. This doesn't mean you should have a boring opener, just something more subtle but has just enough kick to catch a reader's attention. I would've started with a battle maybe, more like an ending. Someone kills a demon perhaps and talks about their thoughts on devils and darkness and all that stuff. It's mysterious but engaging.

Talking about engaging, that's also something I spotted that needs a bit of work. Your writing lacks information and it's hard to stay engaged with the story since your sentences are quite short and there are a few instances in which you do a little bit more telling than you do showing. I'm sure you know what the difference of 'telling' and 'showing' is but if you don't, let me know. In any case, try giving us more details with your work so we know more about it.

As for your characters, they lack personality and are quite two dimensional at the moment. The only difference I see is with Kevin - he seems to be slightly different with his personality but the other characters are all alike and I can't tell the difference between their speech patterns or anything. Since you don't have much description (which I'll talk about later) you need to make sure your dialogue makes up for it. This means it'd be nice if it was varied with the speech in your characters. I would recommend you put in more description with your characters. Also give us some time to get to know them a little more. Don't jump into your story.

As Skins has already mentioned, you move too fast with your plot. I normally enjoy faster paced stories but this one is too fast and without proper information regarding what you're talking about, it's hard to keep everything on track. My advice to you would be to slow down your pace and take an extra minute or two to go back and explain some things.

Overall, I did like the originality of your story. It was actually pretty fun to read and I liked where it was headed. This seems quite interesting so you have my thumbs up on that level. The things you need to work on would be again, grammar, characterization, flow and speed of your plot. Slow that part down and explain things. I feel like I'm repeating myself...gah! >.<

Anyway, I hope this review helped and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me about them.
Good luck on the rest of this!

-Pink

Hey Pointe,

Congrats on starting a new novel.

Ok. Well, I'm not sure what I can add that Skins and Pink haven't already said. First, I agree with everything they have said. Second, I think the dialogue is better, and more real in this one than in Stargazer.

Your issues with this story are the same as with your other story. Your characters lack depth and your story is too fast-paced. I think I have a suggestion.

Sit down with pen and paper. Think of all your friends. Write down their flaws and strengths and weaknesses. Write what they like and don't like. Then, do the same with your characters. My point is, no one is supposed to know your characters as well as you do. What do they like, dislike? What are their pet peeves? What pleases them? What store would they max a credit card in?

Technically, you would know these answers for your friends. So, practice with them and then apply it to your characters. Also, you need to work on your descriptions. Pointe, we are not with you in your head when you are writing. You must always always(!) assume that we don't know what you mean. Such as, when they are fighting the demon, you said that it was obviously a young one. Why is it obvious, was it wearing diapers? I'm being ridiculous, but do you understand what I mean? We still know nothing of your characters or the setting.

I saw your summary and saw that Moonie has disappeared. If you don't 'introduce' us properly to your characters, why would we care whether he's disappeared or not?

Hope this help, this story has loads of potential.

Good luck!

Tanya

Hey-O. Glad to see you're writing more
I'll try to be as helpful as I can!

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
Psalms 30:5
I’m not sure about having this particular quote in the beginning. It feels like you’re saying that something terrible happened before. I think your quotes should have something to do with the chapter or what’s going on.

Ava Dougnihew I really don’t think it’s a good idea to have her last name spelled like this. Sure, some people have crazy hard to pronounce names, but you should avoid that in your story. If it’s pronounced Donahew, write it like that. If the reader messes up the pronunciation, at least they THINK they know how it sounds. Write a name with a ton of vowels and whatever and the reader will stumble over it every time. stood at her locker, twirling the dial, 8-6-7-5-3-0-9 as the numbers whirled into place, she heard a snick, yanking open the door. Beep, beep, beep. “Not again,” she groaned, pulling her Alt-grader from the top shelf of the closet. I don’t know what an Alt-grader is O_O
Paranormal activity in Salt Springs
Was all it read, but she knew what that meant. Three other people across the school would be getting the same message, and after school they would all meet outside Ava’s house to catch the Ghoul or Goblin lurking in Salt Springs. Kevin, Ava’s best friend came up behind her; carrying his Alt-grader.
“Kevin” she snarled, slamming her locker door shut. “You know better than to carry your alt-grader around school.” This doesn’t sound like the way best friends would talk. And it’s a pretty harsh introduction for Ava.
“Ah who cares” he shrugged his shoulders “they know who we are anyway.”A little description of Kevin would be nice.
Despite his care-free attitude, Ava saw him glance over his shoulder. So carefree people don’t glance over their shoulders? It doesn’t sound like it makes sense.
“They know we’re here. Not our identities.” This line is confusing also.
“Whatever.”
“Put it in here,” she said grabbing the Alt-grader from him and stuffed it in her locker.
“Why do they call it an Alt-grader anyway?” he said, leaning against the wall, and balancing on one foot.
“You know the answer to that question Kevin Price.”
“Refresh my memory,”
“Kevin you forget more than a two year old”
“You wound me!” he cried putting a hand over his heart.
“An Alt is an Andesitic Link Telephone and grader stands for…” she petered off, her mind drawing a blank. What’s Andesitic? And if Alt stood for this, all the letters should be capitalized ALT.
As she opened her mouth to say what she thought grader stood for, her neighbor and fellow Alt-Bringer Tatiana walked up and spun the dial of her lock.
“Hey Titi” said Ava, pulling her phone from her pocket and reading the text message that was scrolling across the screen.
Avs,
Did ya’ get on Moonie’s message?
Rotten luck ain’t it?
Greg
“Got a text from Greg,” Ava and Tatiana said at the same time.
Automatically they linked pinkies, grinning at each other.
I don’t really understand what’s going on. You make it sound like they’re happy, locking pinkies, because they got a message saying they had rotten luck. ?
*******************************************
After school, Ava and Kevin walked out the double doors, across the parking lot, to Kevin’s Vista Cruiser Station Wagon ’77.
“Your cars car’s falling apart” Ava commented period
“Don’t talk like that. Or you can’t have a ride.”
Ava opened her mouth, and then closed it again; swiping him on the arm.
“You’re kidding”
“No I’m not.”
They climbed into the car and it groaned under their weight,
“We need to lose weight.” Kevin grumbled
“You can, but I’m not becoming Anorexic lowercase for your car.”
He laughed and then started drumming his fingers on the steering wheel, Humming lowercase Usher.
Ava switched on the radio 99.9 and Rascal Flatts started singing,

I wake up, and teardrops that fall down like rain,
I turn on that old song we danced to,
And then…

The song stopped playing and the female announcer started rattling off news.
Ava ignored it until the announcer sang out:
“Salt Springs experienced another phenomenon; Lila Jones claims that her house was completely rearranged by an unseen force.”
Ava sat up, clenching Kevin’s arm, which was sprawled across the bench seat, his hand resting on her leg, tapping up and down, up and down. He turned around, listening to the last part of the broadcast:
“Could Salt Springs really be haunted? And now I’m turning it over to the plain white tees should be capitalized with their hit single: 1, 2, 3, 4”
Ava switched off the radio, turning to Kevin, her face furrowed. You said that they were best friends, but the way she treats him is no more than an acquaintance. It feels more like Tatiana is her best friend. “Why are the mortals noticing? Shouldn’t Moonie have covered their minds with Forget-me-not spray?”
Kevin shrugged, and then rubbed his temples. “It’s confusing for sure.”
“Should we try to contact him through the Alt-grader?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never tried it before.”
Ava whipped out her carry- Alt grader and went to messages.

Moonie,
Why haven’t the humans been sprayed?
Ava and Kevin

Ava hit what she thought was the sent button then leaned back, thinking hard.
Something must have happened to Moonie. He would never forget to spray a mortal…
the car swung into Ava’s driveway, and Ava saw Titi and Greg were already there. And they were kissing.
Ava groaned, feeling the strong urge to throw some rocks from the asphalt at the two.
Kevin grinned, “Now I see why you were rubbing deodorant on yourself during English.” He shouted, making the two turn, their faces masks of anger.
“Kev…” Ava said warningly, glancing up the drive towards the house. He ignored her.
“And why you were eating breath mints like they were Kit-Kat’s or something. “
Greg balled his hands into fists started striding down the drive towards Kevin and Ava.
“Now boys” said Ava in her best pre-school teacher voice
“Let’s not get into a fight...”
“Yeah” said Titi grabbing Greg’s hand and pulling him towards the station wagon. “Let’s not fight”

Ava climbed back into the passenger’s seat and started telling the other two about the mysterious message on the radio, and about sending Moonie a message.
“Has he replied?” said Tatiana
“I don’t know.” Ava pulled out her carry- Alt-grader and looked at the screen.
“nothing.” She said, turning her attention to the road.
Tatiana and Greg, sensing the conversation was over, pulled on their seat-belts to get closer to each other. Kevin sighed, looking in the rearview mirror.
“It was so much easier before they admitted having feelings for each other.”
Ava laughed, and punched him in the arm. “You’re just jealous”
“Of Greg?”
“Yes of Greg. You would kill to be kissing Titi right now.”
Kevin shot her a look, which even in the failing light she caught. “Not Titi” he said slowly, smoothly turning the wheel at a sign that read Welcome to Salt Springs!
“What do you-" Ava was interrupted by a shriek, the shriek of a demon in search of blood. It’s a bit too obvious that Kevin likes Ava.
************************************************************************************
Ava whipped out her dagger, which could be concealed as a pen. The four prepared themselves, taking Bows lowercase and arrows, swords and daggers from various hiding places on their person. They huddled together, wishing each other luck (Greg and Tatiana kissed) and they were off.

On field Ava felt nothing and thought nothing. She slashed through the air, as the demon took a solid form. The demon was young, and it didn’t take long for the Four lowercase to overtake it. Ava, Greg, Tatiana and Kevin then stood in a circle, linking hands and began chanting;
“We, the Alt-bringers, have brought you to your doom, phantom.
We were specially trained by the Magi, and he taught us that the Alt-bringers honor god,
By bringing the devil’s demons that haunt the earth to justice.
We will now take you to a grave, which when dug will pin you under the earth, to your rightful home”

The walked slowly, hands clasped, until the demon was encircled by a golden cage, then as one they closed their eyes and sang:
“Leave fated phantom and never walk this earth again!” and with a hiss, the ghost disappeared. Forever.

Overall, it seems a little crazy for my taste. A bunch of immortal teenagers running around slaying demons and spraying memory stuff all over the place. I’m wondering how far you can take this idea so that it will feel like a real adventure; it seems very mystical and sci-fi, and you need a good sense of realism to make this feel more grounded.

It’s pretty obvious that you’re going to try and make Kevin and Ava fall in love (well Kevin’s already there). To make it interesting, try to add in some major conflicts or twists. It will keep us on the edge of our seats rooting for them.

Hope I helped, I'll be reviewing your other chapters soon!

Haha!
I havent actually read this, but you used the name Ava, which is my name, so I love it

That makes me sounds really big headed...
But its still cool!
And congrats for being able to write it for so long- Chapter 6 is a real achievement!

Sorry for the pointless, awful comment xD
-Ava

Hey there Point!

Spoiler

“You know the answer to that question, Kevin Price.”

When you refer to a person directly, then you have a comma after or before the name, suiting to the position.

“I don’t know.” Ava pulled out her carry(Did you mean portable?)- Alt-grader and looked at the screen.

Okay so first of all I felt your opening line didn't pull me in. Don't take me as harsh but all I want to say is that long sentences as openers can seriously pull out your readers, and the best way to start your story is to be normal, don't use heavy words, and try to remain natural about the process of story-telling. After you've come out victorious with that, you can begin with heavy descriptions and verbs. Here, the problem with your opening line wasn't heavy description, but the length and the verbs. The character doing something in the beginning isn't an excellent idea for me. Maybe you could start it from how her mood was, or where she stood. Nothing very major, a small line or an insignificant. It's my opinion and can be totally wrong for you. Right now, it is not very important for me to know what Ava was doing-not at least in the beginning thing, so you could avoid it. Also, if not, then try to make it shorter, since the long lines don't attract readers. Sorry if I blabbered, but opening lines are important, and I personally get the look of the story from there.On the plus point, I liked the variety of words you tried to use it in the opening line. It was kind of good, and I have read your other stories, so it was good to see your vocabulary improving.

Okay, my other problem here would be this: Right now we don't know as such who this Greg is. I also don't know what the reason is for the message. Sometimes it happens, and especially with me, that we know the story, the plot and sometimes we write from that perspective. But on the other hand, the reader is left totally confused, and this is the case here. I don't think it's that important to have this message here right now, and if you have then do tell us more, because personally I get very tensed when I am not able to follow on something. So maybe you should work this out, ad make it less confusing for us guys. Now for the first scene. I am totally not getting it. Like I got it, but I wasn't too glued to it.

Now to your dialog. They were fine, but the way the characters said it didn't reach me right here. The way they spoke, the actions they did and the small habits they have while talking are some small things you'd have brought in here. Sometimes things like these are very good and if you add them, there's a possibility of creating the character's personality. I'll try to help you out with it, not that I am master at it, but I'll give it a shot.

You wrote: “Your cars falling apart” Ava commented

This was fine. But if we need to go into more depth, you should add in what Ava is doing while saying this. If I were you, and had to show Ava as a chick type of girl, then here's how I'd have gone about it. "Your car's falling apart," Ava commented, twirling her hair strand around her finger. That's a bad example, a very bad one, but you could bring in your element. Sure.

Ava switched on the radio 99.9 and Rascal Flatts started singing,

Now there's some way to tell a particular thing. Like I could say there's a red apple kept on the table. But like a writer, you need to think out of the nox at most of the times, not always, but sometimes. Like you could have added or said the same line(the one I wrote)- A plump, juicy red apple rested upon the table. Now the thing to be registered is that even though flowery language does impress readers, and looks good to frame, but doing only that can bore them and even hamper your speed and flow of writing. So you should know where and how to use. So, don't go with my advice blindly. I know you won't. Now here's on this particular sentence. It was too directed. Especially when you're introducing a beauty like Rascal Flatts, go on some wonderful mood. Think some other way of introducing them. That's what makes a writer different from ordinary users of language. Other thing. The song stopped is how you tell us when it comes to an end. I want something of how the girl likes the music. Not much, definitely not much, but just a peek.

Now the last part. It's maybe my fault, but what I really didn't get what happened in the last. Would you please, message me? Tell me in short what had happened? It was very confusing for me. The problem maybe was that if you were going with actions, go on with it. It just felt choppy otherwise. I'd have liked to see more of action, and if it was a fight(which I think it was), then you should have brought in the tension in the fighters. The characters, here. Else, it was like a person narrating a thing to some other person. Not something which is not a dialog. It's what anyone could have seen there, but you should tell us the inner feelings of the fighters. That's what the writer's privilege is. Just do bring out that conflict-the thoughts racing in their mind, what they were thinking or the fear. Or else it was boring. And other thing was that who was the person they killed?

On the whole, I'd like to say that you've improved a lot since I last read your piece, and the vocabulary has certainly rose up. You have less mistakes, but still as Pink said you have a problem with commas, and if you follow on all the links she gave, you'd be able to improve. I haven't read what others said, except for the comma thing, so sorry if I repeated something. This has potential-I loved the Paranormal thing and from what I can guess this is something different-they belong to different realm of people, so it'd be interesting to know. But on the other side, I'll say that you jumped up so fast. But if we see, that's not that big a problem, but you should have not left things unsaid to come to this part so soon. There could have been an ample lot of things. How the place looked, how the characters look. Any smell in particular since you started on with the deo. If that is important. And it'd be good if you post your story in Story format-just easier to read. But overall, I liked the concept. But there's more you could add in, and somethings you could work on. So you're on your way, and I think I can see the hard work you're putting in this. I can certainly see it.

PM me for any queries, and sorry if I were harsh.

i LOVED it! great job! i really love the idea of teenagers saving the world! it sort of gives a new strength to teens everywhere! great job Pointe!

Hey! I know I said I'd review the last chapter first, but I started reading this, and thought I'd review it while it was fresh in my mind.

Okay, so first off, I wholly agree with all that Skins, Pink, and them said. But I'm going to expand a little more on certain things.

Pacing is your friend. Right now, like they said, the pacing is all off. There's not a whole lot of information on them or their situation, other than the big picture things (like they have to kill demons) and it goes too fast. I think that my main point is this review will help both of those problems. You just don't have enough description or transitions. You have a lot of dialogue, and while dialogue is good, it isn't really adding to your story that much. Yes, we're getting tidbits of your characters and a little of their situation, it's not keeping us up to speed. And that's fine. It's not dialogues job to tell us everything.

What I'm saying is, you need more description and more internal thoughts/telling. It's as if your main character is reflecting on their adventure, as vividly as when it happened, and while doing that they write it down, or tell the story, or whatever. They tell us, play by play, what happened, why, and what color the duck they passed on the sidewalk was.

Point 1 of giving details is, we need to know what happens. Right now, there's almost no transitional phrases. It's like they teleport places or something. If you open a locker, close it. If you jump up, fall down. If you need to get from one place to another, walk. And tell us about it. Even just mentioning it in the middle of description, or as a dialogue tag, will help to keep us following the character and not always confused as to what's happening. Because if we're confused, we find it really hard to follow the story.

Point 2 is, your person has at least five senses. Use them. All throughout the day we taste, feel, smell, hear, and see things that just get loaded into all the other information in our brains and most of the time we ignore, but we do sense it and some of it sticks out. People notice things. Characters that use their senses - all of them - are believable because it creates an environment and we are aware of what's happening around them. You don't have to describe a ton of things, but a detail every now and then - and every time they go someplace new or changed - will really liven up the storytelling and make it just that much more enjoyable for the reader.

If you incorporate the above things, the dialogue and actions will be more spaced out and less jerky, and the transitions will be smooth and seemless.

Oh, and also, I know this may seem redundant thanks to what I wrote above, but the ending part, with them fighting the demon, that was very, very telling. I don't know what the demon looks like, or what your world defines as a demon, if it has powers, if it's all physical strength, how it fights and how they fight it, and most importantly, what your character is thinking/feeling whilst fighting it. It just sort of happened. Just, even if you don't use what I said above for any of the rest, please, use it to let us know about the fight. That is the type of scene that should be given a lot of good, showy details, something that will draw us in and show us just how big of a job it is to fight demons and all that jazz.

So, sorry if my review seems harsh. I do like this - the whole premise is good, the story, and the specifics of the world and characters - but there is a lot to be improved upon.

Keep writing, keep practicing, and keep having fun doing it.

Excellent beginning, I normally don't enjoy stories with religious overtones but this one was handled very well. I especially enjoyed the dynamics among the four friends. One thing that could be improved is that their are two many unnecessary details, we don't really need to know her locker combo, or what kind of car Kevin drives that kind of thing just makes the story hard to understand.

One other thing is that you should have a little more action, make the battle with the demon longer. Have it put up a fight at least. Sure there are four of them and it's young, but it's a DEMON it should at least graze one of them with a claw or something.

Still I'll definetly read more it's a solid start, and I really liked it. Great job.