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I definatly liked this version better, the other seemed too 'oh we just happened to be here so now everything is happy!' This acheeves the same thing only it keeps with the general feel of the story. I like how it potrays how this world has placed heartlessness at the top of the 'Most Useful Traits' list; and you know it is just sad when heartless and cruelty are mixed up with kind and humaneness.

but the worst part is, or best depending on your point of vew, I got so wraped up in the story that i forgot to look for editing ishues (not that I can ever find any in your work), and when i try and go back the same thing happens again!

Rewrites can be VERY good.

Gah! I'm falling to far behind in this story! Anyways, onto the review.

So I liked this version much more than your other one. All in all, it just had more substance. You brought out more of your characters, and I didn’t feel lost like I did at the end of your last version. I had no idea how he had escaped, or who those people were, and now I do.

There weren’t any mistakes I found throughout this part, the only thing I would do differently is to put the dialogue in quotation marks instead of ellipses, but that’s really your choice. I just don’t get the point of it, and the quotes are just more familiar to me. But of course, it’s your story.

I like how you portrayed Ira and Vanessa. Ira seems almost like a one-dimensional cold killer, but this line

'Why can't you be heartless like everyone else?' Ira asked.

Made him seem much more realistic. It gives a hint of humor, and shows that despite his violent nature he has a definite soft spot for Vanessa. Vanessa, on the other hand, seems interesting just because I’m wondering why she’s traveling around with a group of guys like him. It feels like their opposite personalities will clash sooner or later.

Anyway, I hope this helped, and I’m onto the next part!

This chapter captured me for the suddenness with which Zayn is plunged in and out of serenity. He is buried in the deepest heart of comfort and relief, and then his worst dreams become realized. I love it when people torture their characters, it gives them far greater depth to be able to read about their reactions to pure fear, despair, or primal hate. It is something about the human psychology (even though Zayn is not entirely human), I suppose. The deeper we are to the core of human emotions, the more meaning and raw emotion we are exposed to.
But enough of that, right? I’m here to review this, so let’s get to work!

A cool breeze wafting in from the sea stirred the gossamer curtains and the cherry blossom trees that kept them from sight.

“Gossamer curtains” is a vary clichéd phrase, try something else.
I think ‘trees’ seems a little too much, try ‘branches’ or ‘boughs’ instead. Also, how do those trees hide ‘them’ from sight when Zayn does not even know Siobhan is there? Plus his eyes are closed, how did he see the gossamer curtains or the cherry trees?

Death, if this was what it was, was never so welcome.

Nice prose, very well structured.

Her fingertips pressed to his lips and he opened his eyes.

Here he opens his eyes, see what I mean?

A bittersweet smile spread across her lips and she ran her fingers over his ridge of hair, whispering,'Rest while you can...'

You need a space between ‘whispering,’ and ‘Rest’.

Her features were sharp and cat-like, her eyes cunning and intelligent. Her hair, white as a lamb's fleece, was cropped short save a single braid entwined with ribbons of blue and silver. Intricate markings of blue criss-crossed her golden skin.

This is the second time you describe Siobhan’s features, and frankly, it’s getting somewhat redundant. Try to lump it all in the first round, or cut this out. Example: “She lay with him among the cushions, her intelligent iridescent blue eyes gazing out from beneath her cat-like arched eyebrows, searching his face intently.”

A loop of silver pierced her left nostril, while her ear lobes bore little diamond studs. There was a necklace about her neck.
The pendant was a dragon crafted from onyx clung to another dragon of diamond. Between them they held a ruby stone.

‘While’ could be ‘and’. Also, the sentence about the necklace seems far too blunt. All your sentences at this part are too choppy for good description. I suggest you cut out the unnecessary pieces of jewellery and only mention the necklace, otherwise you spread the audience’s attention and endanger your story with boredom.

She removed the necklace and draped it around his neck, kissing the delicate pendant before laying it on his chest.

You have too much, “She did this, she did that…” I suggest you find some other way to say things like this sentence. Example: “The necklace clasp clicked apart between her fingers and she draped the chain around his neck, kissing the delicate pendant before laying it on his chest.”

'I know,' she murmured,'I know you did... You have sacrificed yourself for the safety of me and the rest of Our World...’

'It's all over now,' he sighed, relieved,'We do not have to worry any more... It is just you and me for the rest of eternity...'
You need a space between.

Her eyes became suddenly stricken with grief. She shook her head,'No... It is far from over...'

'We are dead,' he said, confused,'How can it not be over for us?'

You need a space between ‘murmured,’ and ‘I’; ‘relieved,’ and ‘We’; ‘head,’ and ‘No’; ‘confused,’ and ‘How’.

It was then when he realized that he could only barely feel the caress of her conscience against his.

I think you should replace ‘when’ with ‘that’.

'No!' he screamed now....

I would cut that last word.

Zayn stood amid the Dark, trembling all over.

I don’t know why, but I just think it would be better if you cut the last too words and added an adverb. ‘Trembling violently,’ maybe.

'You can not win,' said the Voice, reverberating all around,'You are all alone... This was a doomed world from the very beginning...'

Zayn covered his ears,'Stop it!'

'She feels your pain,' said the Voice,'You can not keep her safe forever... Not from me!'

He dropped to his knees, roaring,'No!'

'Get away from me,' Zayn snarled,'Don't come any closer.'

You need a space between ‘around,’ and ‘You’; ‘ears,’ and ‘Stop’; ‘Voice.’ and ‘You’; ‘roaring’ and ‘No!’.

In its claws of ebony it held a necklace, Siobhan's necklace.

Repetitive here, the double-necklace. I know what you’re trying to do (in fact, if you read carefully, you’ll notice that I did it in the sentence before this one) but I don’t think a comma will cut it. Perhaps a semi-colon?

Zayn's amethyst eyes flashed,'What have you done to her?'

‘Amethyst’ is repetitive here, and you need a space between ‘flashed,’ and ‘What’.

'Open the Door,' said the figure, its tone thunderous. It weighed on Zayn's being.

You’re using a passive voice when describing the Voice’s tone. Try saying, “…the figure rumbled in a thunderous tone.”

He resisted,'No...'

You need a space between ‘resisted,’ and ‘No…’.

Zayn snarled his lip over a pair of razor sharp fangs, but said nothing.

‘Snarled’ isn’t exactly the verb you want here, I think. Try ‘bared’ or ‘peeled. Or maybe: “Zayn’s lips peeled back to reveal his dagger fangs, but he said nothing.”

'Open the Door,' said the figure, eyes narrowing,'It is time for you to take your rightful place.'

'Stop!' he shouted,'Stop!'

'Open the Door,' said the figure,'I will be awaiting your return.'...

You need a space between ‘narrowing,’ and ‘It’; ‘shouted,’ and ‘Stop!’; ‘figure,’ and ‘I,’.

Zayn jolted awake, gasping and gagging like a fish out of water. Blood coated his tongue and lips as he sputtered and coughed.

So did they get what they wanted? You leave us in the dark here, is that purposeful?

Not a soul nor a conscience nearby could he detect.

I would change the word ‘nor’ to ‘or’ and cut out the ‘a’ completely.

They had what They wanted from him.

So they did get the Door opened? I’m confused. They have his girl and want him to open some trans-dimensionalzing portal. And yet, when a pack of humans show up, they pack up shop and skedaddle. Clarification, clarification.

He forced his eyes to open and felt his heart skip a beat when he discovered the pendant of Siobhan's necklace still hung around his neck.

Why would they put it back?

'Oh God...' she said, backing away,'Oh God, get him down!'

'It'll be out of it's misery soon enough,' said the leader in reply,'But first I want to know what the hell it is... Open its eyes.'

'...Uh...' stammered a voice,'Illuminated...violet... irises...slit pupils... Ira, I don't know it doesn't fall into any of our categories...'

You need a space between ‘away,’ and ‘Oh,’; ‘reply,’ and ‘But,’; ‘voice,’ and ‘Illuminated,’. Also, you misuse ‘it’s’ again. It should have been plain ‘its’.
One more note, you should put a period between ‘know’ and ‘it’. I believe cutting that sentence in half would loosen things up some more.

Ira seized his jaw and punched him in the face before dragging him away from the others by the nape of his neck.

Is he punching Zayn or the guy who looked into Zayn’s eyes? If the latter is true, then I must say that Ira suffers from terrible mood swings. Bipolar, most definitely.

He allowed him to drop to the floor again,'Dammit...'

You need a space between ‘again,’ and ‘Dammit…’.

'Not now Vanessa,' growled Ira, sounding frustrated.

Put a comma after ‘now’. In dialogue, when using a direct address (names, titles and misnomers alike) you must have a comma before and after it, unless the beginning of a sentence precedes the direct address, or if a period follows immediately afterwards.

(1) After awhile, he huffed and said dryly,'Kill it...'

(2) 'Ira... Please...' she whispered,'For once have mercy...'

(3) 'Vanessa,' Ira said stiffly,'I am, can't you see that? This...thing... Is already dying. Look at it. Killing it would just make what's gonna happen to it any way happen a little faster... Besides, it's an Underworlder.'

(4) 'That still doesn't mean anything,' Ira snarled,'It's suffering.'

(5) 'I can help him,' she said softly,'You know I can. I've treated worse...'

(6) 'We don't have the resources,' he interrupted,'So if you won't let us kill it then we'll leave it here and let it fend for itself.'
'Let's go,' Ira barked to the others, and then muttered to himself,'This was a waste if time.'

(7) 'Ira wait,' Vanessa said softly,'Ira please...'

(8) 'I'll take full responsibility for him,' she whispered,'I'll split my rations with him, I'll do anything... Please...'

(9) 'I think he's different,' she whispered,'He doesn't respond to us like the others...'

*deep breath* You need a space between ‘dryly,’ and ‘Kill,’; ‘whispered,’ and ‘For,’; ‘stiffly,’ and ‘I’m,’; ‘snarled,’ and ‘It’s,’; ‘softly,’ and ‘You,’; ‘interrupted,’ and ‘So,’; ‘himself,’ and ‘This,’; ‘softly,’ and ‘Ira,’; ‘whispered,’ and ‘I’ll,’; ‘whispered,’ and ‘He,’. *Phew!*
Also, you shouldn’t capitalize ‘Is’ in number 3, and I think ‘what’s gonna happen to it’ should be replaced with ‘what’s happening to it’. Also, cut ‘any way happen’ and put ‘go’ in it’s place. Here’s what the finished sentence would look like: “Killing it would make what’s happening to it go a little faster... Besides, it's an Underworlder.”
I am a firm believer in simplicity.
Also, I think you repeat Vanessa’s line too much. She says Ira’s name at least five times.
Also, I think you repeated the word ‘whispered’ far too much.

'Why can't you be heartless like everyone else?' Ira asked.

This is very obviously a joke, but Ira isn’t speaking as though it were. I think you should replace ‘asked’ with some better verb.

She said nothing, but giggled a little.

She wouldn’t giggle would she? Not in that situation and not at her age, right? Please try to find something else, maybe she could half-smile, or smile slightly. But no laughter, it ruins her pleading-begging-desperate moment.

'Fine...' he huffed,'But don't make me regret it...' he cleared his throat and called,'Somebody come help me pick this thing up.'

You need a space between ‘huffed.’ and ‘But,’; ‘called,’ and ‘Somebody,’.

Zayn flinched when a coat was laid over his back.

Who would put their coat over a monster soaking with blood? Definitely not one of those men, and I’m not sure if Vanessa’s coat could fit him.

She touched her hand to his cheek,'You're alright... You're safe...'

He gulped and closed his eyes, whispering,'For now...'

You need a space between ‘cheek,’ and ‘You’re’; ‘whispering,’ and ‘For,’.

Overall, this was a decent enough chapter except for one thing: I (as the reader) didn’t really see things from Zayn’s POV. I looked backed and reread the chapter, not finding one mistake with Zayn this time (like the one I found about the gossamer curtains and cherry trees) but it still seemed like a problem. I know that most of the chapter is dialogue, and that Zayn could hear that, but I think he should be a little less aware of them. Perhaps you could make the words fuzzy for Zayn’s ears?
Beyond that, I found all those numerous errors about a missing space before quotations, try to keep that out of your writing.
The action is good in this chapter, and I certainly admire your portrayal of Vanessa’s bravery in sticking up for Zayn, but I feel it was over done. Why would she do it? Other than that ‘I just got this hunch he’ll save the world’ feeling.
Anyways, Great work!
Jenth

Light shown shone through the cracks in the barn's skeleton, illuminating the empty crates and smashed barrels that littered the floor.

He could hear glass shatter and heard furniture breaking.

to me this sentence sounds a bit bland. Is there any way you can make the sound of shattering glass and broken furniture more exciting?

Louis trudged up to the gaunt looking motel with Violet in his arms. Dawn was just beginning to break.

Picky comment, but I'd rather have it like 'Louis trudged up to the gaunt looking motel with Violet in his arms, just as dawn was beginning to break.

He felt tired, after a whole day walking down the long high way

He was tired after a whole day of walking down the long highway

crap, i just realized I'm editing the wrong one DDDD:
lol

Or maybe not. xD I'll finish this one.

Violet shuddered when a cold wind whipped up around them. He wrapped her tighter in blankets and held her closer ad he walked in a large arch around the motel.

I kinda forgot Violet was with him until this point.

and children were allowed to play

'What’s an Eradicator?’ Violet asked after awhile.

Oh my God! She speaks!! 8O

Louis kicked the bones aside thoughtlessly

you don't want us to think of your character as thoughtless

her Teddy bear in her arms.

can you describe teddy?

sorry, I gotta stop the review here, my eyelids are like 50 pounds each i swear I'll come back I promise

Before long, he had a small fire burning on a sheet of thin metal and was preparing Violet's bed for the night. She watched the flames in silence, her Teddy bear in her arms.
I think this is where I left off last time x) Anyways, I picture the teddy bear as this old mangy thing with stuffing coming out of tears in the seams and a black button eye missing… but I don’t know if that is what you have it pictured as. So I’d describe it a bit if it’s important.
He froze when he heard a Wolf howl, and then two more in response to the first. They were close.
He swallowed and looked at Violet.
'Louie...’ she whispered, her eyes glimmering with tears bound to fall.
He stood up and looked down at her, 'Yes, Violet?’
'I’m scared,’ she said.
'It’s okay to be afraid, Vi,’ he assured her, sitting down beside her, 'Even of me.’
'Are they like you?’ she asked, looking over at him, 'The other Wolves I mean...’
'No,’ he said, running his hand over her hair, 'Those Wolves will try to hurt you.’
She bit her lip, and leaned against his side, ‘Would you ever try-’
‘Never,’ he interrupted, ‘I would never try to hurt you, Vi. But I would hurt anybody who did try.’
He draped his arm over her shoulder and leaned back against the wall. I am LOVING this new dialogue!!! It’s perfect!
‘I’m not afraid of you...’ she whispered.
The howling died down to silence, and Violet released a soft sigh of relief.
She yawned, her eyelids heavy with sleep. He pulled the blanket over her and stroked her hair gently until she closed her eyes. Soon she was asleep. picky comment, but I noticed repetition with ‘sleep’. Her eyelids heavy with sleep, soon she fell asleep. I would change one of these ‘She yawned, her eyes drowsy’ or something.
He felt his own grip on wakefulness slipping. The warmth of the fire and the security of a shelter for the night,it was all very soothing after three days of walking in the cold and the exposure ofthe frozen tundra outside this seemed wordy so I edited out a bit. He gulped, knowing that in the morning they would start all over again, with even less certainty of whether or not they would make it through that next day than the day beforeI‘m being really super nitpicky, sorry x). He forced his mind to other places, trying not to think of what might happen when they awoke. I don’t think the last bit is grammatically correct. Actually, the end could go two ways. Either
‘trying not to think of what might happen when they awake’ or
‘trying not to think of what could happen once they awoke’
Eh, maybe I’m just going insane x)

A shriek tore through the night air. Louis sat upright, his hair bristling.
He could hear snarls outside the trailer, people screaming and screeching in agony and fear. His body tingled when he smelled blood on the air. Violet was crying.
'Help me!' a woman shrieked, 'Help me!'
Wolves were laughing and howling now.
Violet screamed, and Louis quickly clamped a hand over her mouth in attempt to silence her.
A shadow fell over the door way doorway, sniffling and snorting. Louis went rigid, and Violet clutched his hand.
'Easy, Vi...’ he breathed, 'Stay in here...’
A clawed hand slipped through the crack in between the two doors. Louis could feel his Beast tear its way out of its cage. He placed Violet on her pallet behind him before he lost control.
He lunged for the door, snarling and roaring as he burst through, tackling the intruder to the ground with a feral roar as he phased in mid-attack.
The other wolves froze as he crashed into their little group, completely tangled in a bloody battle with their comrade.
He felt teeth tear into his jaw and shoulder but it only intensified his rage. He stood on his hind legs with his opponent in his arms and his jaws clamped tight on the jugular. Another wolf sprang onto him, knocking him sideways. Another two joined in the fight, snarls ripping from their throats.
Louis knew he was in trouble. Wolves were never meant to be alone, especially never in a fight. Though he had an advantage of strength and more experience on his side, it still did him no good against five others. He also had the disadvantage of never having fought Wolves before in this form.
He felt them tearing at his flesh ruthlessly. Blood dripped into his eyes, blurring his vision. He snapped at any arm or leg or throat that he could get ahold a hold of, satisfied when he heard their shrieks of pain.
He was fully aware though, that he was fighting a losing battle.
He rolled over on his stomach and squinted between them toward the trailer where Violet was hiding. The big steel colored Alpha was sniffing around the doorway, his hackles cresting at the smell of turpentine.
Violet watched the Alpha from under the blankets, trembling all over when she saw the whites of his eyes and the gleam of his fangs in the fiery light outside. His nostrils flared and he stepped inside, his ears pricked forward.
'I know you’re in here, little Leech...’ the Alpha snarled though his teeth, foam dripping from his jowls, 'You reek...’ ok, even I’m scared at this part!
Violet squeezed her Teddy bear and closed her eyes with a scream when he tore off the blanket that hid her. The Alpha gave a low chuckle, licking and smacking his lips hungrily.
'Louie!’ Violet shrieked, getting up to run for the very back of the trailer.
The Alpha’s paw closed around her leg and pulled her back.
'Louie!’ she screamed again, clawing at the floorboards.
She looked back just in time to see Louis bound into the trailer and crash against the Alpha’s side, sinking his fangs deep into the Wolf’s shoulder as he rammed him up against the wall.
For a small window of time it was as though everything stood still. She could see the fierce determination in Louis’ eyes, the way they shone bright with the need to protect rather than the desire to kill. He was completely unaware of the blood that stained his fur, [or] that he was covered in wounds. She understood now that he really was different from the other Wolves. He was trying to protect her, while the other was trying to kill her. He was her guardian angel. Just my thoughts, but I would change this last line to just ‘Like an angel’. Your choice though xP
The entire trailer rocked and shuddered from behind and began to tilt to one side with the force of Louis’ attack. Louis shook his head and dug his the claws of his hind legs deeper into the metal floor, which shrieked as they pierced through. The trailer teetered and then crashed onto its side.
The two big Wolves came barreling out of the trailer, snarling and roaring as they tore into each others flesh. They hit the ground, the Alpha pinning Louis down to the ground. Louis kicked him off and scrambled back, baring his fangs and laying his ears flat against his head.
'You have to be the stupidest Wolf I’ve ever met...’ the Alpha snarled, struggling back up to his feet, 'Protecting a Leech?’
'You got a problem with that?’ Louis growled, standing up, his knees weak but he forced himself to stay standing.
The Alpha bared his fangs at him, 'There ain’t many who wouldn’t...’
Louis, bleeding from his chest, arm, and temple, [was] half crouched in preparation for an attack, his eyes narrowed and his fangs bared.
The Alpha of the pack was the first to lunge forward, his jaws snapping for Louis' throat. Louis caught him and they tumbled backward until they crashed into an ice caked SUV.
Glass and ice showered them but they were too busy fighting to pay any heed.
Louis gained the upper hand, slowly but surely, no comma positioning himself on top of the big ‘big’ is usually one of those small words that could be made into something more effective. Mighty? Monstrous? I’d break out a thesaurus. Alpha.
The Alpha snarled and reached up with his gnarled hand to swat Louis across the face. Louis roared, but shook his head and punched his opponent in the face twice before he was kicked off.
The others did not join in this time, knowing this was between their alpha and another with potential of becoming their new leader.
Louis was on his feet and charging into the unsuspecting alpha without hesitation. His jaws set on the jugular and blood gushed forth, coating his tongue. The Alpha yelped and tore away, cowering back with the others, blood spilling from his wounds and onto the ice.
Louis snarled at them, and they laid back their ears and tucked in their tails as he gained another size before their very eyes. Their Alpha had given in, and he was now the one who possessed them.
He snorted and pointed toward the West behind him, 'Get out of here.'
They hesitated, looking confused. He wanted nothing to do with them comma having no need for the responsibilities that came with being the Alpha. He already had Violet to take care of.
He roared at them, crashing down all fours as his hackles stood on end with the sheer might of his voice. They ran now, dropping to their fore-legs to gain more speed.
Louis' knees buckled as the Beast returned to the dark recesses within. He gasped, and held his head in his hands, shaking all over. That was the longest he had ever held that form. And it was the first time he had used it against other Wolves. this last sentence to me was unneeded, since you already mentioned it before. Not a big deal, though.
'Louie!’ Violet screamed as she came running out of the trailer.
She slid across the ice and to his side, throwing her arms around his neck.
He wrapped a trembling arm around her, 'I’m okay... I’m alright, Vi... Are you hurt?’
He was distracted from thought when he heard somebody gasping and sobbing. He looked up, no comma and saw rivers of blood, bright crimson on the ice, branching from a large pool in which lay a writhing young woman.
'No...' he breathed, 'God no...'
He scrambled over to her, looking franticly over her ravaged body. There were several bite marks along her arms and sides and neck. It was a wonder she was alive. But then again, he knew living through this would have immense consequences. Perhaps it would be better for her to die.
She looked up at him, her green eyes bloodshot with agony and fear.
'Help me...' she panted, 'Help me...please...'
'Louie...’ Violet said (gasped, breathed, whispered), her hand over her mouth.
‘Violet, go inside,’ he said, ‘Make a pallet for her, alright?’
She nodded, staring [wide-eyed] at the blood as she backed away. It was a lot to ask of her, to ignore her instincts.
He watched her until she was inside the overturned trailer again, and then returned his attention to the woman. She was still staring up at him. For some reason, he felt as though he knew her. She looked so familiar, she even smelled vaguely the same as someone he had known before.
He felt her hand reaching up toward him, but her hand weakened and fell to her side again. She reached for his hand then, seeking comfort in a touch.
He removed his hand from her reach inadvertently. Nobody had touched him in a long time. Not without meaning harm. He stared at her, his face expressionless but inwardly he was frantic, unsure of what to do. Nobody had been there for him when he had changed, period he had been alone, writhing in the agony as his Beast tore its way into his body. He did not know if he could do anything for her.
She broke into more sobs, trembling all over. He knew the feeling. He knew of the fire that was coursing through her very bones. Her Beast was making itself at home.
He swallowed. Some strange sense of compassion overcame his wariness of her. She needed him like Violet did. She would need him to guide her, to protect her from herself.
He gathered her up in his arms whispering, 'Shh... Shh... It's alright... You're safe.'...

... Louis crept warily into the dark room, his heart still beating viscously in his chest from the attack. The floor was littered with sheets and blankets and towels soaked in blood. This was what attracted the Vampire. But where was the source of the cry?
He looked around, paying little The room was empty huh? , save the broken bed, a collapsed end table, a wardrobe comma and a few baskets. The floor was covered with blood.
The cry came again, weaker, more feeble than before. He turned to look, and on the floor behind one of the baskets lay a baby, newly born. Her left arm was missing, severed cleanly at the shoulder.
She could not have been older than a day, at most. He could only stare at her.
He was surprised that she was still alive. What kind of Vampire could resist such a helpless meal?
'Don’t you touch her...Wolf...’ said the vehement voice of a woman from behind.
Louis froze and looked over his shoulder to find a female Vampire standing there, bleeding from her throat.
They stared distrustfully at one another.
'I wouldn’t let him take her away from me...I’m damn sure not gonna let you...’ she hissed at him, her crimson eyes full of fire that could fuel that statement.
'That other one was your...’ he began to guess.
She nodded, 'My mate... He couldn’t stand the smell of her blood... We haven’t fed in a long time... What it all comes down to is that he’s too weak...’
She grimaced and put her hand over her throat, 'He’ll be back for the rest of her as soon as I’m gone though...’
He looked at the baby.
The mother looked at her too, her eyes melancholy. She turned to him again, ‘You’re alone?’
He nodded slowly, 'I don’t have a pack or a tribe if that’s what you mean...’
'How sad...’ she remarked hoarsely, 'A lone Wolf...’
It was silent for a long while.
‘She’s getting cold...’ Louis pointed out, watching the baby shiver.
‘Then cover her up...’ said the mother.
She groaned and sank to her knees slowly and leaned back against the wall, 'At least one of us has a fighting chance...’
Louis looked back at her now, 'What do you mean by that exactly?’
'You were going to take her before you knew I was here...’ she whispered, 'You know exactly what I mean, Wolf...’
He picked up a violet blanket that was crumpled inside one of the baskets and a battered, purple Teddy bear that was close by her. Huge tears oozed from her tired, hungry crimson eyes. are you talking about Violet now? At first I thought you were talking about the mother.
She was the most helplessly beautiful creature he had ever seen. Babies were scarce, and in all his thirty years he had never seen one until then.
He knelt by the basket and touched the top of her head, feeling her soft wisps of red hair and ivory skin. He looked at her mother cautiously before picking her up, so afraid that he would break her delicate frame.
He wrapped her in his fur jacket and more blankets from the basket, holding her close against his chest.
She was soon warm, and staring up with a gaze one might have when they beheld a savior. He was perfect in her eyes, he was even beautiful. He ran his hand over her hair again and kissed her brow. She smelled sweet and innocent, nearly overpowering the scent of the Vampire that she was. He closed his eyes, his stomach twisting when he realized that THING had been holding her is he referring to the mother here?. But then she distracted him again, her tiny fingers pressing gently against his chest.
He looked up at her mother, who smiled quietly at him.
'If you knew who I am, you wouldn’t trust me so easily...’ Louis told her.
'You think I don’t know who you are?’ she snorted, closing her eyes, 'Your name’s on the back of your jacket...Louis... Everybody knows who you are and what you’ve done... But I don’t have much of a choice...as to who God sends as my daughter’s Guardian Angel...’
Louis swallowed, and nodded, and then looked away when she breathed a last breath and closed her eyes in death. this bit is the most beautiful in the whole chapter He returned his attention to the baby in his arms.
For so long he had been alone, shunned by all, feared by all, hated by all. He had no family, no pack, nobody. He was the lone Wolf. But not any more anymore . Now, he had her to love and protect and keep. This was the day he would forever remember as the day his pack grew by one...

This version is definitely a step up from your last one, do doubt about it. The characters feel much more refined, and I love the idea of Violet being a vampire. It’s easy to tell where she got her name from (the blanket and purple teddy). I never imagined her as a redhead, but I really love it. I love her dialogue when she’s talking to Louis. It’s easy to tell she’s a kid, and you manage to do it without getting sappy with it. The thing I usually don’t like when there are little kids in a story is that they are all made out to be wide-eyed and innocent and stuff, but you actually gave Violet character. I can’t wait to see more of her, and that’s something I never really felt in your original version when she was an infant.

I liked the moment when Eden went to touch Louis but he flinched back. To me, it’s even more effective because she was in such a state of pain, and he didn’t even comfort her at first. It just tells me how deep the pain must be in Louis, to instinctively shy away like that, even in front of an injured woman. I honestly think this moment is great; Louis’s character has so much room to grow because of it.

The fight scene was amazing. I hope when people read this story they will take their time and not skim over these parts because whenever I really slow down and savor the words, things just get a lot more vivid to me. I think that’s how your story is supposed to be read.

I think I had one last comment about Violet’s missing arm. At first, I was under the impression that her arm had been recently been removed, and was still spurting blood and the pain was making her cry. But then as I read on I realized that it just must’ve been a healed stump because you made no mention of the blood staining the violet blanket, and also Violet would never have been able to look at Louis like he was a savior because she would’ve been in too much pain to think as it was. So you might want to clear it up a little.
Also, I think I got this right, but about her family’s situation… they were a vampire family, somehow they had gone without too much blood, the dad decided to eat the child, the mom fights him and is left with a deadly wound, the dad is planning on coming back later to finish the job, right? I’m a little curious because you mentioned the hung farmer who was at the house as well, and couldn’t they have drunk his blood? Or had he been dead long enough that it was stale or something? If the mom and dad were married, wouldn’t they resort to drinking each other’s blood to stay alive rather than going at the baby? Eh, these are just a few questions I had.

Anyways, that’s all I had for this chap