Ashes To Ashes

Hey all! Hope you like this. I know it’s a little vague and quite brief without too much description, but that’s how I intended it to be. I’m not too good at writing in the present tense so bear with me. Be nice!

“Earth to earth. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.”
In sure and certain hope of the Resurrection into eternal life, I think.
These are words that I know far too well. I close my eyes, as if I can somehow keep them from echoing in my ears, reverberating around my skull. I have been to funerals before; for grandparents, distant relatives, friends of friends whom I barely knew when they were alive. Death has been around me my whole life; like a shadow, a creature lurking in the darkness that reappears when least expected. I always think of death like a disease: it remains all around us but only when it strikes someone we hold dear do we acknowledge its presence. Life is, after all, procrastination. All of our time on earth is spent delaying death for as long as possible.

The priest has stopped speaking, and the lady standing beside me dabs at her eyes with an embroidered handkerchief, smudging her eyeshadow. I blink away tears that blur my vision and realize that I hadn’t cried since Nessa was murdered. But the eyes that do not weep are the saddest eyes of all. Isn’t that what Lizzie Borden’s lawyer had said?

Lizzie Borden? I think. You’re comparing yourself to a murderer.

“I’m so sorry,” A voice behind me says. I turn and look at a small woman with cropped blue hair and multiple facial piercings, her face a mask of guilt and shame. It is a face that reminds me of youth and innocence, of happy childhood days when Kyle and I were building a tree-house in the old Oak outside to make a sanctuary of our own. Now it is a face that I never want to see again.
“Mrs. Collins. I don’t recall anyone inviting you.”
My voice is freezing cold, dripping with ice, and she flinches at my tone. “I – I don’t know what to say. I give you my deepest condolences. Nessa – she was just so beautiful…you look like her, you know – that dark hair, and those blue eyes…”

But I walk away before I can hear her finish. I’ve had enough of her groveling. I don’t want to hear her talk about Nessa. I don’t want to hear about her son, or how drunk he was the night she was killed. I don’t want to hear about how Nessa had been “asking for it”. I don’t even want to think about it. Kyle Collins had killed my sister. That’s all I know.

She was so beautiful. That’s what everyone says, as if that one word could sum up everything about her. It was like one of those miniscule paragraphs in a newspapers’ obituary section. I once read one that was merely six words long. Six words to describe a person’s entire lifetime, six words to blithely carry away an entire existence. Nessa had been so much more than just beautiful. She had been strong and courageous and loving and smart. And now she is gone.

Several pairs of eyes follow me as I walk past. They aren’t talking, but it’s as if I can hear their thoughts loud and clear in my head. That’s her, they’re thinking. The dead girl’s sister. Emilia, I think her name is. Sad, isn’t it? She's so young. [i]Nessa was so young. Murdered by her sister’s best friend.[/i]

From the corner of my eye I notice a large bird alighting on a tree branch. The raven utters a harsh cry, startling me. The people nearby look up to catch a glimpse of the black bird streaking into the sky, and in that second, I’m gone.

I’m running through the forest, taking in the sharp smell of damp grass mixed with the fresh odor of blossoms. I sprint faster, making the world a blur around me. I was the fastest runner at our school, faster than Kyle, who had won Cross Country three years in a row. My heart is thudding in my chest and I start gasping for breath, but I don’t have time to hope that I don’t have another asthma attack. I wouldn’t even have time to take out my inhaler.

Then, there I am. He’s standing there with his back to me, admiring the view of the lonely winding river. Kyle doesn’t hear me as I approach. My father always told me that I’d make a brilliant hunter because of how silently I can move. I always thanked him, but replied that I would never be a hunter because I could never bring myself to kill anything. Until now, I think, reaching into my deep coat pocket and feeling my fingers brush against the blade’s cold metal. I take out the weapon and raise it high above my head. I’m directly behind him now, trembling, scarcely breathing. He can’t hear my heart pounding, or feel the rush of adrenaline surging through my veins. I wonder if this is how people feel before skydiving or bungy jumping, or before doing something that they had sworn they would never do.

Murdered by her sister’s best friend.

Late best friend, I think, and I bring the knife down.

First thought: I thought the main character was female until specifically told otherwise. This isn’t necessarily a criticism, as the first time I picked up an Agatha Christie novel I thought the narrator was an old woman, and it turned out to be a middle aged man.

So, this is very good. I have one problem with the ending, though I do like the ending. The thing is that if she was murdered, even if it was simply manslaughter, Kyle would be in prison. It was an accident and all... Okay, I suppose that he could have been released on bail, but it just seemed unlikely to me. And I’m not sure how Devin specifically knew where Kyle was... what I’m asking for is a bit more detail at the end. There’s so much detail in your story that’s really great. It’s very sad, but it is really pretty good.

I’m not sure if you’ve been around funerals and funeral homes a lot, (I have because my parents are preachers and each did more funerals in one year while I was growing up than most preachers do in a life time), but most people who are around death end up having a slightly twisted since of things. Devin does edge on this, but a bit clumsily. The Lizzy Borden bit feels like non-sequiter. I see what you’re going for at the end... and the Borden thought process is how people thing, but it really feels like a loose string on an otherwise fairly beautiful sweater.

The end comes into question again as well. This is a short story, but it’s a little too short. You need to expand a little bit on the Lizzy Borden thing so it doesn’t feel so thrown in, you need to replace it with a different killer reference if you can’t expand but want a famous killer metaphor, or you need to just cut that bit out completely. There’s a lot of death imagery, with the raven, but then this also feels heavy handed. May I suggest another less obvious death bird? I’m sure you can find one somewhere.

Also, Mrs. Collins has blue hair? How old is she? How old are any of these people for that matter?

So, in parting: the story is good, but too short. You really need to add somewhere between 1-3 thick paragraphs worth of information still. It doesn’t have to be all in one place, but little extra descriptions here and there would be best.

Also, love the last two lines, there a good punchline to your story.

Hello, Shadow here, about to review you!!

To start with, I love the way you write. You put description in without losing the storyline. Perfect!!
However, as always, there are those little things that stand out.

*Just like EAThomas, I thought the main character was a girl until it was stated. But then again he could just be a very femanine boy. But that's quite cool.

*I also have one problem with the ending (this is going to be a bit of repetition with where these little points are, but oh well). Don't get me wrong, the ending is good. Really drags the reader in. But it needs a little explaining. EAThomas has a good point about being in prison and bail, but I saw it as some sort of dream, or hallucination. I just want to know if that was what was going on because I don't know any other way to explain him walking through a graveyard and then running through a forest. Either way it was good!

*Another thing ( this is another repetition), it is to short. Put a few more sentances in. Don't add to much description but more explination.

Thats it. Hope this helps but EAThomas did cover most of it. Shadow.

Hello.

Like the other two above me, I believed, until stated, that the main character was a girl. That's not necessarily a bad thing because you did state that he was a boy afterwards. I just wanted you to be aware that I thought this also.

Again with repetition but I also had a problem with the ending. I was curious to know how Devlin knew where Kyle was. It seemed to just sort of spring out of nowhere. I could understand if he came across him accidently but why then, did he have a knife on him? Did he carry it everywhere with him, after his sister's death? Had he asked Kyle to meet him? Just things to think about.

On the other hand, I really liked the opening line. It was a great hook. The opening paragraph was good too. However, I did think we were going to be told why Devlin had seen so much death. The twist was good but I was a little disappointed that you didn't get to know why. Maybe you could factor that in also? If not, don't worry. It's still good as it is.

I also loved your description. It was vivid enough so that I could picture it but I do agree that there should be more information on certain parts. I did think the Lizzie Borden part had been sort of thrown in randomly.

Otherwise, this was a really great read. I really loved it. So, well done.

my names Nessa, haaha anyways,
Wow, this is really deep. I immediately fell in love with this as soon as i read it.
Idk how the points/rating or whatever works but i'd give "Ashes to Ashes" the highest rating possible (:

I think you could turn this into a novella with a greater plotline and getting more depth within the story.

Meh my first review just disapeared Oh well, i'll do my best!

I absolutely adore the descriptive language used in this piece! Segments like

echoing in my ears and reverberating around my skull

and

a mask of guilt and shame

that made the story free flowing and easy to read. I also liked the way the main character was calm and composed, but slightly twisted inside

Life is, after all, procrastination. All of our time on earth is spent delaying death for as long as possible.

This sentence seems like the narrator was fairly resigned about Nessa's death, but here

My heart is thudding in my chest and I start gasping for breath, but I don’t have time to hope that I don’t have another asthma attack.

and here

Until now, I think, reaching into my deep coat pocket and feeling my fingers brush against the blade’s cold metal. I take out the weapon and raise it high above my head. I’m directly behind him now, trembling, scarcely breathing. He can’t hear my heart pounding, or feel the rush of adrenaline surging through my veins. I wonder if this is how people feel before skydiving or bungy jumping, or before doing something that they had sworn they would never do.

Murdered by her brother’s best friend, the funeral guests had been thinking.

Late best friend, I think, and bring the knife down.

this obviously isn't the case. The contrast between these two at the beginning and end of the story were fantastic

Just one small tidbit: Just like all of the reviewers before me I thought the narrator was female, maybe work on your character development a bit.
Thats all from me, keep writing!