I Can't Swim

I try to yell but I can find no air
I make a feeble attempt at surfacing
But my legs feel like cinderblocks
Weighing me down

My arms thrash chaotically
But it’s no use
No one can hear me
No one can see me
No one can help me

Every nerve in my body is on fire
My lungs scream at me
Bright flashes impede my vision
And my head becomes light as a feather

I thrash madly once again
Another failed attempt
To stay alive

Why does no one hear?
Why does no one see?
I AM DROWNING!
So why won’t anyone
Pull me out of the water?

Wow. My first impression is that you have really grasped how it feels in that situation. Out of curiosity, can you swim? This is great!

However, I also feel that this would work slightly better as prose rather than a poem. Some of the lines come across as a little clumsy, or was that the intention? Also, I won't pretend to be an expert, but aren't you meant to have punctuation at the end of each line? I don't know much about poetry.

Onto the positive, I really liked your imagery. Particulary this part:

ExposedSoul wrote:Every nerve in my body is on fire
My lungs scream at me
Bright flashes impede my vision
And my head becomes light as a feather

I can really feel what the narrator felt at this point. "My lungs scream at me" is one of my favourite lines, simply for the truth in it. I know what you mean.

This is a good poem, but I think it needs a bit more editing. It could really be great.

Am amazed! If this is wat drowning experience is like then I'll never learn to swim. I love your use of words and your power of description, I felt as if I was there.

But still you could work on your periods, also I notice you were capitalizing each line in the poem but at certain points you didn't, I also notice dat these lines should have been a continuation of other lines try and make it so.
Your conclusion is nice but could be better rather than adding those additional lines it would have been more dramatic with the narrator coming to a realistic conclusion that he could not be saved i.e ending it with "I AM DROWNING".

In all you did a good job. Keep the poems rolling

[quote="ExposedSoul"]I try to yell but I can find no air
I make a feeble attempt at surfacing
But my legs feel like cinderblocks
Weighing me down

My arms thrash chaotically
But it’s no use
No one can hear me
No one can see me
No one can help me

Every nerve in my body is on fire
My lungs scream at me
Bright flashes impede my vision
And my head becomes light as a feather

Why does no one hear?
Why does no one see?
I AM DROWNING!
So why won’t anyone
Pull me out of the water?[/quote]

I can't swim, either ;o. Well, literally, can't swim. And I loved swimming... now I can't because of my arm. It sucks! ...So, yeah, that's why the title caught my eye XD

Well, I like how the first line did not say "Can't find no air" and "can find no air" instead. In songs, they will say "Can't find no air" or whatever. It's wrong *shakes head*. "Can not find no air".... XD. It just sounds weird, and is the opposite of what they want to say, because then they're actually finding air and they can't not find air, which means they are.

The blue line on the first stanza, maybe it could be "They weigh me down."?
The pink line could be "madly" instead of "chaotically", maybe? Because chaotically just sounds weird to me o.o
I think the two green lines could also switch places, because it just reads a bit better that way (to me, but maybe I'm just crazy).

The red words in the last stanza, the caps; I really think caps, shouting like that, should never be used in poems. I don't know why. It just looks a bit... unappealing, somewhat. No exclamation marks, either, really, unless you want it to come off as happy. Well, that's what I usually take them as when in poems... yeah. So it should be "I am drowning." instead.
You need punctuation

So, was this literally or figurative? 'Cause it could work as both. I'm just wondering, though. XD It sounds more literal to me, like a child drowning who is waiting to be saved because she/he is dying. Yeah, that's the image I got, kind of ;o. But also this weird image from a movie, which was weird because the woman jumped in the water and yeah... That had nothing to do with this poem, though. XD I'm just weird, I guess o.o

The poem itself was okay, though. It just needs a little work, and it would be a good read ^^

Zan here. I must say. Wow. What a wonderful read, I enjoyed this poem so much. It was very light, even though it wasn't a gleeful topic. To start, I just have to say that I love the absense punctuation---it works perfectly for this poem. Very unified with the general feeling. It adds to a feeling of openess, almost inviting, and lets the reader feel more comfortable with thinking about the poem however they like. As well, it works up to the caps in the last stanza. And about the caps in the last stanza, it's comical. It's excellent for this poem and fits well. My only suggestion is adding one humourous thing before the caps, maybe in the second or third stanza, just to get across the hint of humour.
I don't know if you intended humour or not, but I saw humour. I really like it, because the whole subject is not funny. Back to the reader thinking about the poem however the like, what I mean is that the peom feels like it has a very slim bit of symbolism in not being able to swim. Like it could represent failing at life, or watching your life twist and spiral out of control. Whether or not this was what you were aiming for, poems are most enjoyed when they have open ends on a figuritive level from which the reader can grab. I loved your poem because it can be so deepm, yet so funny, and its all easy to take from it because it feels so open. The no punctation, the scary subject, the amazing imagry, the despair of the narrator, all work against each other, but you combine them magnificently to make them unified. Thank you for the poem.

that was amazing, i really enjoyed reading it. It kinda gave me chills reminding me of a relative who died from drowning