Prologue: Dragon's Triangle

This is a prologue to something I'm working on at the moment. Honestly, I'm not too sure what it will turn out to be including category or whether it will be a short story or a Novel, but at the moment its just something I'm working on. It may seem a little complicated so if anyone has any advice that would be fantastic. Thanks,
- Rachel

I cannot fathom how long I’ve been here.
Days?

Months?

Years?

Or just a few seconds?

It feels like eternity but time has ceased to mean anything, along with it – my sanity. I can't move. Can’t even flex my fingers. No, I'm not paralysed, although I might as well be.
I still don't understand how I came to be here. There is nothing vivid in my memory, I try to remember, I promise I do. But I can’t. I can sense something though, I can sense that something terrible happened, but it is clouded behind a thick blanket of fog and no matter how hard I try to grasp it, it slips from the finger tips of my conscience. When they come to rescue me... Scratch that, if they come to rescue me, I won’t be able to tell them where I am or what it looked like. I can't see. Darkness. That’s what fills my every waking moment, until they come, with their blinding torches and rough hands and sharp needles and unforgiving faces.
“It wasn’t my fault!” I scream at them as they grab my hair and haul me to my feet. At least I try to. They took that away too. Speech. My speech. I still have a voice, but it doesn't want to be heard, won't make itself heard. So I think it, wish it; wish it so hard my head hurts. This doesn't help.

They've broken me physically. The tests they have run, so violent, so excruciating, so challenging have crushed me. But not my spirit. That is the last thing they will take, if I let them, which I won’t.

I may not know where I am, but I know who brought me here. He was supposed to be my friend. I was supposed to rely on him. It’s not fair. He asked the impossible of me. So I defied him, I rebelled, I struck out. And now I am here and no one knows. You see, he took everything from me. Everything and everyone that I ever cared about, made me think they wanted to hurt me, wanted to stop me seeing the truth. When really, it was him, him all along. Oh and when I finally figured the low-life out, he turned nasty, nastier than before. And the only thing I remember, so clearly it’s as if I’m watching it on TV, is her face. I flash back, the darkness of my prison fades and I'm standing on the cliff again. It's dark, but the full moon casts a sinister glow which illuminates the night. Even in memories I can smell fresh pine from the forest, barely a hundred meters away.I can hear the owl again, hooting high up in the trees on her nightly hunt. Part of me wants to stay here, despite the fact I know what will happen, but just to see again... The rocks are there too, casting menacing shadows over the dirt covering the ground. I hear a pained whimper and she is there, sprawled on the ground at my feet, her face is beautiful, innocence presented in every feature but now it is wet and sticky and red, her eyes are sunken and discoloured pleading with me.

Begging me to stop.

“I didn’t mean to” I try to say shaking my head in defiance but the world is spinning. Darkness is closing in and her face is fading, she is crying, harsh rasping sounds, scared and uncontrollable.

Through the haze I move towards her, arms out begging, her eyes grow impossibly wide portraying nothing but fear and hatred and she backs up faster and faster. My vision clears just to see her smack into the wall of jagged rocks behind her and she gasps as I loom over her.

I don't see the whip wrap round my feet, but I feel myself fall, then feel the spike go through me. Wait, what spike? I whither on the ground, slowly get to my feet and he’s there, Jai, his face set, holding the other end of the weapon. I look down in confusion to my middle, feel the warm liquid spill over down my side and then look back to Jai. It would probably look quite comical. Only this is no comedy.

“Cara! Go!” he cries frantically at the girl behind me and I hear her whimper, then the sound of hurrying feet getting further and further away. Then nothing. I lie there in the pool of blood.

My blood, and the world turns in on me.
“I didn’t want it to be this way; you left me with no choice.” He says his voice thick with regret. Then I hear a shot. Something solid fall next to me. Through the heavy blackness I see Jai, hear his breath growing fainter and fainter. Then a voice, that voice and then lots of voices and the din of footsteps. The darkness consumes me.
And I'm back in hell.

Hello! I'll be your reviewer, and better yet, i'll be your first reviewer

Okay, first thing that I had a problem with was the format. It was a little cluttered and I couldn't tell where one paragraph ended and another began.
A few of your sentences were really too long. Cut those in half, that way the reader doesn't get tired of reading.

Those were really the only things that I noticed, except the awesomeness of this story. You had me hooked from the very beginning which is always a plus. I like how you keep me in the dark. That's one technique that will never stop working because it keeps the reader wanting to learn more, and to do that they have to continue reading.
Your style is very unique, another plus. Today it's difficult to developed your own style that doesn't fall into a stereotype or cliché.
You've got a good thing going here, don't stop
Any questions, pm me
bElL3

Hello, Rachel, and welcome to YWS.
Nice so far, just a few suggestions.
Grammar is in red.
Others are in blue.

First of all, i think you need to dd some spaces....

I cannot fathom how long I’ve been here.
Days?

Months?

Years?

Or just a few seconds?

It feels like eternity but time has ceased to mean anything, along with it – my sanity. I can't move.
Can’t even flex my fingers. No, I'm not paralyzed- ignore..i am editing based on American English.,(comma) although I (might) as well be.
I still don't understand how I came to be here. There is nothing vivid in my memory, I try to remember, I promise I do. But I can’t. I can sense something though, I can sense that something terrible happened, but it's clouded behind a thick blanket of fog and no matter how hard I try to grasp it, it slips from my conscience’s fingertips-all the "sssss" action is tricky.. try "the finger tips of my conscience." When they come to rescue me... Scratch that, if they come to rescue me, I won’t be able to tell them where I am or what it looked like. I can't see. Darkness. That’s what fills my every waking moment, until they come, with their blinding torches and rough hands and sharp needles and unforgiving faces.

*Since you use contractions in a majority of the sentences, you need to remain consistence, in order to give the main character a certain speak pattern.

“It wasn’t my fault!” I scream at them as they grab my hair and haul me to my feet. At least I try to. They took that away too. Speech. My speech. I still have a voice, but it doesn't want to be heard, won't make itself heard. So I think it, wish it.So hard, my head hurts. This doesn't help.
( "of course" at the end is not needed.)

They've broken me physically. The tests they have run, so violent, so excruciating, so challenging have crushed me. But not my spirit. That is the last thing they will take, if I let them, which I won’t.

I may not know where I am,(make it one sentence, so it flows) but I know who brought me here. He was supposed to be my friend. I was supposed to rely on him. It’s not fair. He asked the impossible of me. So I defied him, I rebelled, I struck out. And now I am here and no one knows. You see, he took everything from me. Everything and everyone that I ever cared about, made me think they wanted to hurt me, wanted to stop me seeing the truth. When really, it was him, him all along. Oh, and when I finally figured the low-life out, he turned nasty, nastier than before. And the only thing I remember, so clearly it’s as if I’m watching it on TV, is her face.
Her beautiful, innocent face, wet , sticky and red, her eyes sunken and discoloured pleading with me.

Begging me to stop.

“I didn’t mean to” I try to say shaking my head in defiance but the world is spinning.
Darkness is closing in and her face is fading, she is crying, harsh rasping sounds, scared and uncontrollable.

Through the haze I move towards her, arms out begging, her eyes grow impossibly wide portraying nothing but fear and hatred and she backs up faster and faster.(run-on)

I feel myself fall, feel the spike go through me. Wait, what spike? I turn and he’s there, Jai, his face set, holding the other end of the weapon. I look down in confusion to my middle, feel the warm liquid spill over down my side and then look back to Jai. It would probably look quite comical. Only this is no comedy.

“Cara! Go!” he cries frantically at the girl behind me and I hear her whimper, then the sound of hurrying feet getting further and further away.

I lie there in the pool of blood.

My blood, and the world turns in on me.
“I didn’t want it to be this way; you left me with no choice.” He says his voice thick with regret. Then I hear a shot. Something solid fall next to me. Through the heavy blackness I (see? how..i thought that you couldn't..more like "sense Jai?, maybe?) Jai, hear his breath growing fainter and fainter.
Then a voice, that voice and then lots of voices and the din of footsteps.

The darkness consumes me.

OVERALL:

Good beginning, but we need more of an explanation and description of your surroundings..maybe more flashbacks?
Other than those few structural and grammatical errors, good Job!


----------------------------
-jojo.

I loved your other piece, but this was a bit of a let down. All the better because it can be improved.

The first point I have is that I was able to glaze over your piece - which is bad. You know when you type a Google Search and you get all these results but your eyes automatically pick out: Wikipedia, YouTube, Some Good looking News Blog. Well that's what should have happened here. Imagine if Google didn't automatically turn up Wikipedia and YouTube results. They could be on page 2 or page 17. Why search, you know? Wikipedia and YouTube are key to the search and you don't seem to have many keys in this piece. Something our eyes no we can't glaze over. Unfortuantely, in most cases, any pain that is not violently described is ignored, and your whole peice was pain. Nothing happened. We didn't meet anybody. We don't know where we are. Or why. We just see pain. Can you cope and paste, with some minor edits, this piece into another - would it fit? If so, it's too generic for a prologue. It's not bad, but you should wait for this to be somewhere in the middle of the story.

Suggestion: you say that you know what happened, right? And who did this to you. The only thing we don't know is why. Okay, why not just let us see what happened. Give us this character and the event (not in flashback) and let it happen as is, like in the other piece. It's much better for exposition and makes your peice distinctly yours.

You had an awesome finishing line. 'nuff said.

If you watch a movie with an opening like this, you can identify people by their appearance. It's so easy to make sense of it all. Now... be blind! At the moment, it's hard to make sense of everything by just glazing it over - and people glaze. They glaze to see how long it is, alright? If it's long, they don't read. BUT, if it's long and cool, they risk the first paragraph and if it hooks them - they read on and like it. And the writer gets like... three likes. But if it's short, the reader double-glazes for key words to see if it's their thing, especially if the title isn't something like: I Accidentaly Vapourize my Pre-Algebra Teacher.

So, you need to be sharper and more defined. You'll find it keeps the story moving, keeps you at the edge of your seat. You wrote the story, so you know exactly what happened to the character. So it's exciting. But we know nothing. Someone's getting beaten up here and they're regretting it... and so?

Suggestion: A sharper title. It should draw emotion and be clear or suggest an unusual premise. That's the triple bottom line and if you meet at least two of those (one being emotion, anything from sadness to humour), you get a better title that's more gripping.

The risk of writing in this style - this style of regret, is that your thoughts are scattered by all the full-stops and the flashbacks. Nothing's happening, so you can't organize it in chronological order, get it?

So when you write, make sure to consider these few things:
What was the point of this piece? Give information? Introduce a character? Tension?
How did I achieve this? How did the setting help? How did the dialogue help? How did the point of view help?
Can I summarize this into a few key words linked by arrows (e.g Boy > Superhero > Meets Supervillain > Supervillain is his girlfriend's brother. Oooooh!)

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That's a very jambled review, and I'm sorry it wasn't top notch. But it's late, so I apologize. Anyway, have an awesome time and I'd loved to read more. I *liked* your other story.
God bless,
TheNewHero.

eeehhh...
Much better!
^_^

------------------------
-jojo.