Short Popcorn Chapter

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Give your harshest criticism please! Rip it to shreds if you like!


264 Prinsengracht
The room is small and dark, with the only light coming from a single window near the ceiling. The window illuminates just what is necessary to see, without allowing the luxury to closely examine my surroundings. At first glance, one could not differentiate this room from any other attic, anywhere in the world, but to those who know what it really is, it stands for something far greater.
What caught my eye at first was the book under a glass case, carefully shielded from any pollutants. The book is no bigger than my hand, and covered in red and white fabric that had yellowed with age. Inside, the writing is neat and childlike, and stretches from one corner to the next, ignoring the boundaries of margins. The writing itself is considered more precious than jewels or money, as neither can purchase the ideas that are written on the fragile pages. The words speak of happiness and truth that the author was not allowed to become acquainted with because of who she, and millions of others were. The simple innocence that was somehow able to exist in a time of such tumult is embedded in the ink of the script. The language on the page is not my own, and I cannot comprehend the words, but I see around me the remains of the life of the person who wrote them.
Outside, I hear laughter of people playing in the street. I see a tall chestnut tree arcing over the house, as if protecting the inhabitants from danger. I wonder if this is what it could have been like seventy years ago, when a young girl lived in this very house, looking out the same window, and hearing the same laughter. At this moment, we are the same, the only difference being time. As I walk down the steep stairs toward the exit, with every step a piece of the girl walks with me. The world outside is fresh and so seemingly untainted by the tragedies that occurred there. But, because I know what others might not, I see it with another heart beating alongside mine.
“Maybe it’s fate that Hound ate the map. Maybe we’ll discover soemthing wonderful while we’re lost.”-The Penderwicks




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Tiger here to review per unexpected request. Comments will be both in bold within quotes, and longer comments outside them.

bookworm27 wrote:

264 Prinsengracht

The room is small and dark, with the only light coming from a single window near the ceiling. The window illuminates just what it is necessary to see, without allowing me the luxury to closely examine my surroundings. At first glance, one could cannot differentiate this room from any other attic, anywhere in the world, but to those who know what it really is, it stands for something far greater.


The window allows him to see what it's necessary to see? But it doesn't let him closely examine his surroundings? Isn't the latter the necessary part? Thus, if he can't examine his surroundings, which is necessary, than technically the light of the window is letting him see nothing.


What caught catches (remember this is present tense) my eye at first was the book under a glass case, carefully shielded from any pollutants. The book is no bigger than my hand, and covered in red and white fabric that had yellowed with age.


Again we refer to the presence of the window. It did not allow him to see what was necessary, A.K.A. his surroundings. How did he see the book in the dark? It's impossible. Certainly he would not be able to tell the colours of the fabric covering it, and to see that they were yellowing is just out of the question. Thus him seeing the book, and anything else related to the book from this point, is just not plausible.

Inside, the writing is neat and childlike, and stretches from one corner to the next, ignoring the boundaries of margins.


The writing is hardly neat if the writer ignored the boundaries of the margins. That means there are scribbles all over the page. And as aforementioned, this scene is not plausible.

The writing itself is considered more precious than jewels or money, as neither can purchase the ideas that are written on the fragile pages. The words speak of happiness and truth that the author was not allowed to become acquainted with because of who she, and millions of others were. The simple innocence that was somehow able to exist in a time of such tumult is embedded in the ink of the script. The language on the page is not my own, and I cannot comprehend the words, but I see around me the remains of the life of the person who wrote them.


1) How could he tell what the words spoke of if he could not read the language? 2) He could not see his surroundings, thus he could not see the remains of the person's life.

Outside, I hear the laughter of people playing in the street. I see a tall chestnut tree arcing over the house, as if protecting the inhabitants from danger.


How could he see the tree? If it was visible through the window, then most likely it would have been in front of the window, and then he would have been in complete and total darkness. Which would render absolutely everything he did not plausible.

I wonder if this is what it could have been was like seventy years ago, when a young girl lived in this very house, looking out the same window,


The MC couldn't have been looking out of the window. It was near the ceiling. Exactly how tall are they?

and hearing the same laughter. At this moment, we are the same, the only difference being time. As I walk down the steep stairs toward the exit, with every step a piece of the girl walks with me. The world outside is fresh and so seemingly untainted by the tragedies that occurred there here. But, because I know what others might not, I see it with another heart beating alongside mine.




So from what I've gathered, this is about Anne Frank and her diary, correct? The story is supposed to be touching, but there are several inconsistencies:

1) The light of the window. I don't think I need to go over this again, seeing as I talked about it in the length of the review.

2) The MC is hardly going to be allowed in to the attic on his lonesome (it's been turned into a museum, hasn't it?). And to the best of my knowledge, Frank's diary is in the possession of her father. And if it really had been there, there's no way the MC would have been allowed to go away with it.

3) This is written in the present tense, but there are some instances (especially in the first two paragraphs) where you forget this and write in the past tense.

All in all, the inconsistencies ruined the story for me. Not to mention we have no idea who the MC is. Is it a stranger studying the history of the Holocaust and the World War? A relative? A friend? We've got no clue who the MC is, or what they are doing there. We just know that they don't speak German, which isn't a lot of info. And something you really need to change is the title. It makes no sense whatsoever in correlation to this story. Change it to The Attic/ The Diary or something that actually relates to the story. So good job, and KEEP WRITING!

Tiger
"A superman ... is, on account of certain superior qualities inherent in him, exempted from the ordinary laws which govern men. He is not liable for anything he may do."
Nathan Leopold




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Hey there, Flow here with a semi-quick review.

The thing I noticed most in this peice is their are numerous parts that are un-needed. I think in stories you should only talk about what absolutely has to be there. If you ramble to much the reader will get bored.

Another thing is that it's confusing at first. You say you can't see much and that you shouldn't know where you are, but then you imidiantly know. You also talk about how important the book is, but how would you know that if you can't even read it? I think giving a little more backdrop here would be helpful in letting us know what's going on. What seems to be going on here is the person was looking for the book I suppose, but we don't really know.

I do think that this could turn into something intriguing though. I also hope that I helped somewhat.

-Flow-
My reality comes to a close as I once again realize that you don't love me, and even if I love you with my everything you will never care.





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Hey there, Book. As I've said in my WRFF thread, I'll only review nonfiction if it's Biblical; so here I am, reviewing something from you -- fiction. :)

Here it goes:

NITPICKS|ADDED|CHANGED|PAY ATTENTION

OK, as we can see, the first paragraph was nice. Present tense. It slowly unfolds the story. But when we come to the paragraph:

What caught my eye at first was the book under a glass case, carefully shielded from any pollutants.


There we see the tense shift. You must remember: pick present, or past.

Because here we can see, you went back to present at the next sentence:

The book is no bigger than my hand, and covered in red and white fabric that had yellowed with age.


That was pretty much it, except that this is very short. : O None was really accomplished. Wait, is this a chapter from a novel? I'm confused. Oh, whatever. LOL Your prose was sweet. I'm intrigued. Is this part of your life? LOL 'Cause it's posted at the "Other", and I'm just curios. LOL Anyway, keep writing!

~ Jash ♥
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


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Thanks so much for the input! This was for an english assignment in September (which I never got back...) that was to write a chapter-ish thing on a moment in our lives that we can describe vividly. I'm not sure I can do anything with this, but I'm continuing to write write write!
“Maybe it’s fate that Hound ate the map. Maybe we’ll discover soemthing wonderful while we’re lost.”-The Penderwicks



People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
— Leo J. Burke