Never Give Up

Well, just to state, first thing I've posted on here. Because... well, I'm a bit uncomfortable posting anything on here. Mainly because I don't know anyone the slightest bit, really. Second, this is a poem made a while ago. I made it during I was into this whole "poetry phase". I hated poetry, before this phase of mine. After that phase though, which made me read other poetry as well, I started to kind of like it... But I really think this is crap. I mean, everyone says it's great, but I really think it's horrible. The more I read it over, the more I just don't ever even want to look at it. I don't know what it is. But, yeah... I'll shut up and now and just let you get to eye-bleeding.


Never Give Up


Please, don't ever give up.
And please, don't ever say it's your time to go.

Fight life's weapons, though it may hurt.
Don't lay there looking so inert.

Someone or something is sitting by your side,
even though you may not know why.
So please don't make us say goodbye,
just because you don't want to try.

This might just be a lesson,
to see if you fall into concession.
Or to teach you something,
something unable to be put into words.

Lives will miss you if you leave;
no one will be moving past this soon, we will only grieve.
Have you even said those words you wanted the whole world to know?
Because I really think you have a lot more to show.

Don't let yourself fall like a feather in the wind;
don't fold your wings like an angel to descend.
You have so much you could offer the world
in this desperate time of depression.

Well done. Don't be afraid to post your literature here. It can only do you good. Just a few things I'd like to point out about your poem.

Fight life's weapons, though it may hurt.
Don't lay there looking so inert.

I know what you trying to say here but what is 'life's weapons"?
I suggest (Note: I said suggest) you replace weapons with something else, maybe you can replace it with 'cream cheese sandwich', hehe. that doesn't make sense, does it? But it would be real funny. What I'm trying to say is, 'Life's weapons' is not very entertaining.

So please don't make us say goodbye,
just because you don't want to try.

There's something about this sentence that suggests that the party that goes by the name of "us" has the authority to let it end. Like how your parents would say, 'don't MAKE me come upstaires and give you a hiding'
Don't Make us say goodbye. I don't know. Maybe i'm talking a load of cxxp.

Or to teach you something,
something unable to be put into words.

This is my favourite line in the poem. There is so much truth in it. Well said.

Overall I like it. good job. Keep writing.

Hello, Blackjack.

Allow my first words of advice be this: while author’s notes are completely fine and even encouraged in certain circumstances, please don’t put them at the beginning of a piece unless placed into a spoiler. Allow the reader to be the judge of whether a piece is lacking or not. With that said, you have little to worry about as far as quality goes. There are issues, however, and it’s my job to help make this poem shine like I know it can. So, as all things should start, from the top:

Your first stanza--a couplet of lines introduces us to a plea to someone, someone that we can assume this narrator cares for deeply. You have me hooked, Blackjack. From this point on, the poem should only get better; however, that doesn’t seem to be the case.

Fight life‘s weapons, though it may hurt.
Don‘t lay there looking so inert.

You’ve committed the unforgivable sin, Blackjack, and that’s sacrificing quality for rhyme. As much as the second line annoyed me, I just couldn’t stop hanging on to something in that first line, though it belongs in the first stanza. Try shuffling that around. The second line, however, should change. There are two reasons for that. Reason one: lay should be lie (it’s a common mistake), and reason two: inert sacrifices quality for rhyme, and that is not okay. With that line, you could paint a picture for me, make me feel something stirring for the subject of the narrator; however, this is not the case. You have failed to make me care, but I think you can do it, Blackjack. I really do.

Someone or something is sitting by your side,
even though you may not know why.
So please don't make us say goodbye,
just because you don't want to try.

You got away with your rhyme scheme in the first two lines because it works; you don’t sacrifice any syntax or cohesion just to force a rhyme. It’s a nice reminder--though a bit cheesy and vague--that there’s hope. So you get a point for hope. You gained 49 experience points!

…and then you venture to the second pair of the quatrain, and you lose your winning streak. I’ll advise you that, unless you spend quite a bit of time and thought putting together a beautifully-written rhyming quatrain of AAAA, do not do so. That said, I’ll suggest you change these two lines to shove in some much-needed power. As much as this poem is supposed to be reassuring, it’s weak at this point. Make. It. Stronger.

This might just be a lesson,
to see if you fall into concession.
Or to teach you something,
something unable to be put into words.

Again, those first two lines are forced; they really verge on lacking sense. From experience, lessons are not given to see if _____ happens; those would be tests. In fact, the word test would work sublimely here. However, there’s an issue with the phrasing of the second line, “to see if you fall into concession.” I’m imagining that you’re talking about surrender here, so try to work that around to make it more eloquent and functional. Also, now is a good time to point out that you should check your comma usage. It’s not spot-on.

Lives will miss you if you leave;
no one will be moving past this soon, we will only grieve.
Have you even said those words you wanted the whole world to know?
Because I really think you have a lot more to show.

Honesty time. Upon reading the first couple of lines in this quatrain, I wanted to stop reading the entire poem. See, my father used to write poetry when I was little; he wasn’t a very good poet, however, and didn’t understand the point of brilliant rhyme-and-rhythm schemes. With that said, I hope you’ll understand when I say that you wrote a ‘father line’ as I call them, which is another unforgivable sin. Let me point out exactly what bugs me about this.

Lives will miss you if you leave;
no one will be moving past this soon, we will only grieve.

You break your entire rhythm and flow just to add in a quip that fits a rhyme scheme. That kills me, Blackjack. Flow is like water to a poem; without water, a creature ceases to exist. The same is true in poetry. Without flow, a poem may as well be a piece of prose. But this is not the case. If you take no more of my advice, please adhere to this one request: learn the importance of flow.

Furthermore, I want you to note the unusual bulkiness of this particular stanza. Do you see it? That bulkiness is the disruption of your flow. While it’s not always the case, it’s typically a good “red flag” that you’ve broken something if you have a line twice the size of another.

Despite my tirade about that first couplet, I do like the second couple of lines, despite the awkwardness of the flow. It’s personality between the letters; it’s making me care.

Don't let yourself fall like a feather in the wind;
don't fold your wings like an angel to descend.
You have so much you could offer the world
in this desperate time of depression.

This is one of those stanzas that I don’t particularly like, but don’t have any complaints for, either. I think that it could be worded much more eloquently, and that you repeat your trend and sacrifice a bit of quality for your rhyme scheme, but if you’re going to do that, then it may as well just sneak beneath the radar, much like this stanza’s point does.

You do one particular thing in this stanza, however, that impresses me, and that is that you finally give me imagery. Do you see it? It’s verging on beautiful…

Don't let yourself fall like a feather in the wind;
don't fold your wings like an angel to descend.

While the rhyme annoys me, I couldn’t help but to appreciate the images. You caught my attention again, so points for you!

However, the last two lines are rather dull to me, and it’s mainly because they restate two lines that have been mentioned before: “Have you even…more to show.”

All-in-all, I agree that this poem has a lot of work that needs to be put into it, but I want to encourage you to spend some time with it, and certainly not to give up. While you may not like poetry, poetry already likes you; you simply must coax yourself into a comfortable medium with poetry so that you understand how it works. Soon, your breath will be in sync and you’ll have beauty on your fingertips. I truly hope that you’re not discouraged, as I’ve seen a member get soiled up at me after one of my reviews before. However, know that it’s not my intention to discourage you or to tell you that you don’t know X amount of things.

You’re good; keep it up. I’ll be watching for more.

-Lumi

I didn't eye-bleed, if that's what your wondering.
I think that the spacing should be consecutive throughout the poem, because it didn't seem to change any tempo and this might add some unity to the poem. I liked it's message- about not giving up. Not letting a down time give you permission to throw your life away; it's terribly reffreshing from the emo poems about death and lost love. Keep writing, this was pretty good

This could have more a pop! at the ending... Something like:
"So please,
never give up."
Or:
"So please,
keep fighting
and never give up."

I also am having a poetry phase - I'm still in mine - I love reading great poetry poetry (like yours) and writing deep, emotional poems (although I don't know if you are too).

So yes, overall, this is an awesome poem. I love it a lot. Nice job

Keep writing,
Alzora

This poem seemed a little drag to me. Too slow for what it is talking about. Maybe you could try adding some more figurative language and words that really jump off the page. Also, I noticed that you started with a general rhyme scheme, then after a few stanzas you just seemed to toss it. I realize this was probably intentional, but be warned about that: if you do it too often or don't have the poetry to really back it up, people may think you just got lazy and didn't want to think up other rhymes. I'm not saying that's what happened here, because I did like this poem, but just try not to do that too often.