the stargazer {PART 3}

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I know the last chapter is short, but that was all I wanted.
~thanks for reading/reviewing
~pointe


Chapter 1:
“How could you? Don’t you know what my Father meant to me! Leave me alone, forever!”
Jeremy jerked awake, his heart pounding, sweat pouring down his forehead. It was a dream, only a dream. He thought, urging himself to believe it. He rolled onto his back, stood up, and looked towards the alcove where Aniline was sleeping quietly.
“My dear one,” he whispered, walking towards the fire which was almost out.

An hour later, Aniline awoke, stretched and pulled herself from underneath the warm sleeping bag. “Morning” She said sleepily,
Moving towards Jeremy who stood by the fire, stirring a pan of egg mush.

“Hi” his voice was far away.
Aniline moved beside him and stroked his arm, up and down, up and down.
Jeremy ignored her, spooning the mush into the wood bowl.
“Here” he shoved the dish at her, and spooned some more for himself. Aniline began eating the eggs, trying not to feel hurt. Last night Jeremy had been so loving, caring. Now he completely ignored her. And it hurt.

Jeremy snuck a look at her, her face was troubled and he knew she was going to ask what was wrong. I have to tell her, he thought, his heart beating faster, faster, faster.
“Jeremy, what’s wrong?” Aniline looked up at him, her perfect pale face marred by the worry she obliviously felt. “Aniline” he faltered feeling scared, “there’s something I need to tell you.” She paled visibly, “my Father,” “helped kill yours.” She pulled away and shook her head,
“No, he didn’t he was my fathers most trusted advisor”
“Aniline, he was a double….. agent.”
She shook her head, disbelieving.
“and I…. helped the sun become stronger.”
He was blunt and to the point, and he hated himself for it.

Aniline felt herself sinking, into a pit of blackness; ghosts of anger, guilt, worry and love circled her trying to penetrate her skin.
“You what?” Please, she thought please let me have heard him wrong. Please.
“I retrieved the Elyot box for the sun, gave her the power to become strong again.” His voice shook, and he prayed she would forgive him, somehow.
Aniline stood up, walked to the corner and sat down on her sleeping bag, arms and legs crossed tightly. “Perhaps you better start from the beginning.” She said coldly, her lips pursed in a fine line. He nodded, and came to sit beside her.
“I went to the sun when I left you. I had recivved a message that you were in danger, and you needed me. The sun drugged me and sent me to retrieve the Elyot box. Then when I returned I handed it in. the drugs wore off and I decided I would return to take back the box, maybe fix what had happened. She was angry I had returned, branded me”
He pulled the collar of his shirt down so she could see the tattoo that scarred his skin.
She reached forward and touched it, her fingers energy making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He reached up and took her hand. “I found myself in front of your gate three days ago, having been transported. Right at the moment the sun declared war.” Aniline was torn. Half of her felt love, the other half felt anger and resentment
“Jeremy, I don’t know what to say.”
She whispered, leaning in close.
“please forgive me.” She looked into his sea green eyes opened her mouth and said:

Chapter 2:
Aniline felt her world falling apart. Jeremy had played a major role in the first attack from the sun, and he was still standing there, begging her to forgive him.
How could I forgive him? How? But then again how could I not? After all we’ve been through? He didn’t mean to. He was drugged. “I don’t know what to say”
“then don’t, think about it and I’ll just be quiet” he bent down, his lips reaching to brush hers. She shied away, her lips pale and thin. He walked away, towards the cave entrance. Then ran back in, “Aniline, hide!” his eyes were crazed, and he jerked her arm “let go of me!” she said, angrily, pulling away.
“You don’t understand. We have to hide!” he said yanking her back towards to back-entrance of the cave.

And then she heard it. A long, ungodly scream: the scream of a person wanting blood.
Aniline could feel this person, sniffing her out; and backed up slowly. “Don’t bother.” The voice rasped, “I know your there.”
“Aniline,” began Jeremy, but he was cut off, by a stamped of people flooding into the cave.
~
Aniline awoke, lying on the stone floor of an unfamiliar place. Jeremy lay sprawled, unconscious on the dirty floor beside her. She felt like hitting him and kissing him at the same time. Don’t think about him Aniline Grace. Concentrate on why you’re here, where you are and more importantly how you’re going to get out. She walked to the bars of the cell door, but when she touched it, she jerked her hand back. The metal was burning hot. “Hello” she called, leaning forward to look out onto a hall. No one answered. She turned slowly, taking in the points of the room. A stone wall with a barred window, overlooking a red, charred field; full of large marble gravestones. Two cots; one at either end of the room, each covered with a heavy wool blanket.
~
A sob shook Jeremy out of his dozing state. There she was; the angel of his dreams, asleep on a cot, screaming and sobbing. As he watched she uttered three words “I trusted you.” He felt his heart race in his chest. You don’t know she’s talking about you. But overwhelming instinct told him she was. He felt like sobbing himself, he had messed up so badly. “I didn’t mean to” he said out loud. She jerked awake.
“Didn’t mean to what?” she said coldly, turning her back on him as she pulled the wool blanket up to her chin.
“Didn’t mean to hurt you,” His voice was hoarse, and it came out a whisper.
She shook with renewed sobs.
“please don’t cry, I’m sorry. Okay? I’m sorry. I was drugged and beaten.”
She turned to him, “leave me alone for a while Jeremy. I’ll tell you when I’m ready to forgive.”

She wanted to dive into the ocean, and not look back. Because the decision she had been forced into was the hardest she had ever had to make. And the stress of being locked in a castle of the sun drove her insane.
Every day, she and Jeremy discussed tactics of escape: using Lidale code (a code similar to the human mores code.) But so far nothing had come of it.

“We could file at the bars at the window.”
(Aniline)
“No we couldn’t and you know it.”
(Jeremy)

Then it clicked in Anilines head. She tapped rapidly: taping the escape plan, that would work. Had to work.

Chapter 3:
Aniline stood in the bathroom; which she was allowed to visit two times a day. She and Jeremy had gone at the same time, and they both had to work fast. Oh dear God, please let this work! She prayed as she unfastened the door in the celling. She clambered up onto the sink then hopped into the room above. Large wooden support beams, with nothing in between. Jeremy was at the other end and was gingerly making his way towards the window at the very middle. She joined him, climbing like a monkey. He opened the window and helped her jump out onto the window sill. “Let this work” she said out loud, gripping Jeremy’s arm, spinning into the air, teleporting them to the moon.

END OF PART 4:
STAY TUNED FOR: THE SECOND BATTLE, THE HOSTAGE, FORGIVNESS AND THE END
Last edited by LadySpark on Sat Jan 01, 2011 4:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Onto part 3! :)

It was a dream, only a dream. He thought, urging himself to believe it.

there should be a commas after dream, not a period.

An hour later, Aniline awoke, stretched and pulled herself from underneath the warm sleeping bag.

comma after stretched

“Here” he shoved the dish at her, and spooned some more for himself. Aniline began eating the eggs, trying not to feel hurt. Last night Jeremy had been so loving, caring. Now he completely ignored her. And it hurt.

this needs more explanation. From what I can tell, Jeremy had a bad dream, or was maybe remembering an argument between them. Is he really the kind of guy that would mope after something like that?

The sun drugged me and sent me to retrieve the Elyot box.

I think I must be confused. You're not talking about an actual sun, are you? Because I don't see how you can be drugged by a sun. Again, I think this chapter needs a little more explanation to it.

He pulled the collar of his shirt down so she could see the tattoo that scarred his skin.

I don't know what the big ordeal of the tattoo is. I mean, is it a mark of a traitor? Or is it something magical that maybe causes him physical pain? I want to know why he is so distraught about the tattoo.

by a stamped of people flooding into the cave.

stampede

“Aniline,” began Jeremy, but he was cut off, by a stamped of people flooding into the cave.
~
Aniline awoke, lying on the stone floor of an unfamiliar place.

did she pass out or something? I have no idea what's going on now.

She wanted to dive into the ocean, and not look back. Because the decision she had been forced into was the hardest she had ever had to make. And the stress of being locked in a castle of the sun drove her insane.

When was there an ocean? What decision did she make?

“We could file at the bars at the window.”
(Aniline)
“No we couldn’t and you know it.”
(Jeremy)

So did you just give up on proper writing altogether?

She tapped rapidly: taping the escape plan, that would work. Had to work.

tapping what? the bars at the window?

Aniline stood in the bathroom; which she was allowed to visit two times a day.

allowed by who? You never told us who was holding them there.

I'm sorry to say that I am completely confused. I tried to follow what they were doing, but this part was so fast paced, I just couldn't keep up. I still don't know who captured them, or why they were captured, or what was the big deal about the tattoo, or why Aniline won't forgive him for something he was forced to do...

The story seems so much different than when you started out. It doesn't feel like it's headed anywhere, and the tension you had (not knowing Jeremy's big secret) is let out. Now the only thing left is for her to forgive him, and escape the people that are chasing them. Unless you're planning on making more obstacles for them.

There were quite a few errors with commas and dialogue, so I suggest going to the writing resources section and figuring out how to use them properly.
Sorry if I wasn't much help, keep me posted for the next chapter, and PM me if you have any questions at all.
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
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Hey there Pointe,

First, would you please post your requests in my thread (in my signature) because it is easier for me to keep track of.
Thanks :D

Second, I completely agree with everything BlackSheep said. I was so confused with this chapter! Oh my god, slow down!

After all these chapters, we still know absolutely nothing of the two MC's. Nothing! Besides being two people in love, we don't know their strenghts and weaknesses, we don't know anything about the world they live in. YOu had started off with other interesting characters -the mother and best friend- but they were cut out of the story.

POinte, what's your plot? What's the point? Where is this headed and why? Elaborate! Give us some description, some senses. They don't hear, feel anything?

I know I repeat the same thing every chapter, but it bears repeating. You action is too fast-paced to the point where the scenes are skipped, are a complete jumble of actions and dialogue and we still understand nothing.

You have such a great idea for a new kind of world! It's brilliant and I don't remember reading anything like it. Elaborate on it, to not make the rest seem like such a cliché. Please bear in mind everything we've said while you're writing the next chapter.

Tanya :D



Noelle, you can lead a writer to their computer and give them coffee, but you can't make them write.
— CowLogic