Right Where I Want You

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"Kevin should we really be doing this?" the attractive young blond whispered.
The sun was up in the hills above the small logging community of Olsen and it's rays made the blond girls hair sparkle like a lake on a warm summer's day. It complemented her perfect yet young face impeccably.

"What? Are you chicken Sarah?" Kevin sneered his steel blue eye glinting.
"No, i just don't think.."
Kevin stilled her speech with a wave of his hand then said, "Are you my girlfriend or what?"

Everything was silent, a solitary bird flew into a nearby tree and with a brief squawk settled and seemed to survey the scene beneath him. A pretty teenage girl with a blue blouse and a taller, slightly older boy with slick black hair as company, the boy's hair glistened like runny tar in the sunlight. The boy was standing with one hand on a brass doorknob, he was looking questioningly back at the girl.

"Kevin I love you, you know that, but do we really need to break into Joseph's lodge? It makes no sense we could be caught, also his pedo, I see the way he looks at me, his the worst of them all. I can see him picturing me naked when he stares at me.” Sarah pleaded, looking longingly down the dirt road, from where they had come.

She wanted to be away, away from this place and the town where she had been born. Being a pretty girl in a small mainly male community certainly had it's drawbacks. When she walked down the street, she could fell all the men with their searching, hungry eyes flicking down up and around her, catching peek at her tight ass in denim or her growing breasts. It made her fell like a piece of meat, and the men were the flies.

"C'mon Sarah it'll be fun, that old drunk won't be home for hours. My dad says he keeps his 30-30 Winchester under his bed. It's a great gun I'd love to see it." Kevin said trying to sound excited. But in reality he just wanted to see what Sarah was packing that's what he'd love to see the most. He had her right where he wanted her.

Before Sarah could decline, Kevin had opened the door,(Old Joe never locks his door) and pulled Sarah into the lodge.

The smell of old pine sap and whiskey was nearly overpowering as Sarah and Kevin stumbled into the lodge. Sarah first impulse was to vomit, she held it back. Not before she could taste a small amount acidity on her tongue. She gulped down, her face scrunching up in revulsion. Like she had a swallowed a glass on lemon juice, zest and all.

Kevin watched this with cool impatience. He wanted her now, while the sun was still up and they had the place to themselves. But he would wait, maybe even search for that big 30-30 of Joe's.

Sarah sucked in a big gulp of pine/whiskey air, her chest rising. Kevin watched with much fascination at this.

Kevin came to his senses and clapped his hands together making a dull bang like a toy cap gun, "Well don't just stand there, it's not every day you bust into creepy old Joe's house, now lets look around." He said merrily, ushering Sarah forward with his neck towards the small kitchen. Kevin’s stomach was grumbling loudly.

Sarah and Kevin made their way towards the kitchen. Old floor boards uttered tired squeaks as weight was pressed against them.

Sarah scanned the room, she made up her mind that Joe’s interior designing could use a bit of work, a rather large stuffed elk head hung above the open fireplace. It’s deep black eyes shone almost eerily. The couch had a gaping rip through the middle and white fluffy stuffing hung limply out of it. It reminded Sarah of a slashed belly and the stuffing was the intestines. Sarah stopped, and walked tentatively over to the couch, she reached out with her hand and stroked the cut in the upholstery feeling the softness of the stuffing on her fingertips.

“It must have been something very sharp to cut this.” Sarah said, more to herself than to Kevin.
“Sarah, there’ll be time for sitting later, time for some food!” Kevin roared happily and he slipped into Old Joe’s kitchen.
Sarah rolled her eyes and sighed. She walked the rest of the way to kitchen, feeling the eyes of the elk upon her back. At least it’s not my ass for a change, she thought with a smile.

Kevin was filing through Joe’s cupboards for food, Sarah watched this with mild amusement. Kevin was flicking his tongue in and out like a snake tasting the air. She stifled a half laugh, Kevin didn’t hear. His mind was on other things.

Several minutes later, there was a groan of pleasure as Kevin finally found something that would wet his appetite. “You bloody ripper,” he called, holding the bag of chips up like he had just won the annual fun run and he this was his prize a poultry of bag of chips.

“Oh wow.” Sarah said sarcastically twirling her extraordinarily beautiful hair in a flirtatious manner.

Kevin only mumbled back, spitting half eaten chips onto the floor.

“You really should have eaten before you left.”

Kevin upturned the bag and the last remaining chips filtered out. He smacked his lips in delight and then pointed towards the door and informed, like a sergeant telling his troops some very important orders, “Lets look at this gun.”

Sarah checked her watch and said with a touch of desperation (Kevin wouldn‘t listen she was sure of it), “Kevin it’s getting late, it’ll be dark soon, don’t you think we should head back. Besides, I wouldn’t like to be here when it’s dark when Joe comes back.” This was of course met by dumb silence, he only waved his hand as if to say who cares it’s only Joe.

Yeah, but does he look at you virtually with his tongue lolling out like some thirsty dog . I thought not.

Kevin raced across the room, his heart pumping. Nearly dark, he had right where he wanted her. Alone in a log cabin far from any prying eyes or disruptions. He couldn’t bare to wait no longer. He must have it from her. He began to drool.

Sarah was behind him, Kevin was hunched over at the end of the bed.

“Kevvy, are you alright?” Sarah said reaching out with her hand to caress his neck. Her eyes were wide with alarm. Thoughts were whirling through her mind, Those chips are old, perhaps too old. My god he better not have food poisoning.

Kevin slowly turned around, he stared deeply into Sarah’s own hazel eyes. Sarah placed her hand to her mouth. There was a significant bulge in his pants.

“Wh-what do you want Kevin?” Sarah stuttered.

“You know Sarah, I told my friends that I was to have it off with you, take your virginity here in this very cabin tonight. I’ll take it, one way or another.”

“No, I refuse you dirty bastard. That’s rape!” Sarah screamed.

“You were always too perfect, I can’t even cop a feel off you. What good are you to me!” Kevin spat. He dropped his pants with a grunt. .

Sarah uttered a squeal and ran out of the room.

“Hey, bitch come back here.” Kevin yelled and he to ran out of the room with only his shirt and underpants on.

Sarah quickly scanned the room, as bland as it was it did have a rather large ornament on the table. The room was nearly dark. The sun sets faster when your scared, or so it seemed. With a yelp Sarah picked up the ornament, it was surprisingly heavy. It felt good in her hand, deadly in her hand actually.

Kevin lunged at her, hands up like he was surrendering. Sarah brought down the ornament hard onto Kevin’s head. He immediately went down and his eyes rolled to the back of his head. He lay limp, (his penis unfortunately did not)

Sarah dropped the ornament in disbelief at what she had done. The ornament did not break when it hit Kevin’s head and it did not break when it hit the floor.

I have to get out of here, she thought. But her feet didn’t move, it felt to her as if she was stuck to floor with glue. It was full dark now, and traversing the steep descent back to town alone would be suicide.

So there she stood still looking as beautiful as ever in her jeans and blue blouse. With perhaps her dead boyfriend beneath her feet.

Finally her paralysis broke, she shuffled over to the corner bumping into the kitchen table as she went. Murder in the dark, she thought miserably.

Sarah huddled up and hung her head into her knees, tears were coming out like fountain now.

Far off into the distance she could hear the faint but yet clearly recognisable rattle of Old Joe’s pickup truck coughing and spluttering up the hill. Sarah’s heart skipped a beat. “It’ll be alright, maybe Joe’s really just a perve and nothing more.” She whispered. But those words sounded so false coming out of her mouth. She had to hide and fast, but it was so dark she couldn’t see two feet in front of her.

The cupboard, I saw a big cupboard door that I could get into, Sarah thought frantically.

Sarah crawled rapidly in the direction of what she thought was the right way.
“Ouch,” Sarah cried out.

Her head had connected with kitchen door she pressed her hand against the door and pushed softly.

From the front of the house came the sound of Joe throwing his car door shut. The sound was like a thunderclap in the hills above the small town of Olsen.

Sarah knew she had to work fast soon the front door would open and the cabin would be filled in glorious yellow light. And what would Joe see, a blonde on all fours in his kitchen and a boy sprawled out on the floor half naked. That would look real great wouldn’t it.

Sarah got into gear, with holy grace (or luck) she found the cupboard door and slid it open. Swiftly she climbed, it was slightly cramped but nothing Sarah’s small compact figure couldn’t manage.

Just as she was sliding the door back, the house was bathed in light. The man of the house was home. And he was drunk as a skunk.

Joe stood at the door hand still on the light switch more for support than anything. He was swaying back and forth like a small tree in a fierce wind.

“Honnney I’m Hommmme,” Joe yodelled joyfully. His belly full of whiskey and his pockets stuffed with cash he had one at the betting table that night. He staggered forward, he wished far back in his mind that he had went into the city and got himself a hooker, why not he has cash to splash.

He didn’t even notice the body ion the floor.

Sarah was biting her lip fervently, her ears pricked up as Joe began to move floor boards creaking, and they were getting closer. Sarah could smell him, a odour so repugnant that she nearly lost her lunch for the second time that day. He was in the kitchen, she heard the fridge door open and the tinkle of beer bottles. There was a hum as the fridge kicked in. Joe took one step toward the door when his foot landed on the sprinkling of chips left by Kevin. He whirled around facing the cupboards immense belly wobbling like jelly on a plate, his bloodshot eyes searching for the sound.

“Anyone here,” he barked.

His eyes dropped down to the cupboard. It was slightly ajar and he could see blue.

Sarah was holding in a scream, her fist was inside her mouth. No use, as the door slid open.

“Gothca ya little bastard.”

She let out a scream that carried for miles, only the owls answered this. That was no help.

Joe grabbed Sarah by the hair had hurled out of the cupboard, grunting with effort.

“Please don’t hurt me,” she wailed. Holding her hands up as if that would keep him back and the odour.

“Sneak into my house, ye little bitch, finking of stealing my money. Yar have no respect.” He lifted one curled fist ready to bring down upon her with force.

Sarah covered her head waiting for the inevitable blow. Nothing came.

With much effort, she felt like her neck was being held down by brick tied around her neck, she lifted her neck.

Joe had peculiar devilish smile upon his face, a wave of nostalgia washed over her, it’s Kevin all over again. This thought revolved around her mind as she was dragged into Joe’s room.

Sweat had broken out all over Joe’s body and it was rather chilly night, Joe flung Sarah to the ground and kicked her in the ass for good measure.

Sarah was winded she gulped air like a fish out of water. She didn’t want to turn around, horrified at what she might see.

“Be back, don try nuffin’ princess, jus gotta freshen upa bit, there’s nuffin’ in here but a few dirty magazines. Feel farree to look froo them, might getcha in the mood.” With that said he swung the door shut. Immediately Sarah leapt to her feet not minding the pain that flared red hot in her knee cap. She pulled open the top drawer of his dressing table.

“There must be a gun here somewhere,” she whispered to herself.

Nothing in the first two, down to the last one, please God help me. Sarah thought praying to God above.

She dipped into the drawer. Her hand gripped some thing steel and cold.

With a cry of triumph she lifted the 9mm out of it’s home. An insane grin was upon her face and she was laughing madly her blonde hair swinging serenely.

She thumbed the safety. What if it’s not loaded, a voice whispered in her mind.

The door creaked open on its hinges

“Screw you.”

Three shots erupted in the silence of the night.

The End.
"There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering." Cato




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Points 1167
Reviews 14
Very good. You seem to be very close to being proffesional. Watch out for those typos, though. There's a few things I'd like to point out.
(1)[quoteThe couch had a gaping rip through the middle and white fluffy stuffing hung limply out of it. It reminded Sarah of a slashed belly and the stuffing was the intestines. Sarah stopped, and walked tentatively over ][/quote] I don't think you need to add that "the stuffings was the intestines." Your discription of the couch and "a slashed belly" is enough for the reader to see the similarity.
(2)
“Sarah, there’ll be time for sitting later, time for some food!
There's nothing wrong with this sentence except that it's lame (no offence). Like you were too lazy to think of something more creative to put in there.
(3)
He smacked his lips in delight and then pointed towards the door and informed, like a sergeant telling his troops some very important orders, “Lets look at this gun.”
I like this line. I don't know why but it's real funny (I hope you intended it to be funny, otherwise I apologise).
(4)
“No, I refuse you dirty bastard. That’s rape!” Sarah screamed
Now let's be honost. Sarah's response to HER BOYFRIEND who is about to RAPE her is really bad. It's as if she thought Kevin was just fooling around with her. Most of this story is well written so, I'm hundred percent sure you can do better then that. Make it seem more real.
(5)
He lay limp, (his penis unfortunately did not)
Hahahaha, this line made me follow you. Well done.




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Hi there!

Nitpicks/Comments

The sun was up in the hills above the small logging community of Olsen and it's rays made the blond girls hair sparkle like a lake on a warm summer's day. It complemented her perfect yet young face impeccably.

Firstly, since the hair belongs to the girl it's girl's hair. Remember your possessives. Secondly, I don't like the comparison of her hair to a warm summer's day. It's just...so cliche and makes it feel all mushy and stuff. Try out another comparison which might fit better. And just to be nitpicky, I think the word 'perfect' is overly used and it loses its meaning when you're trying to explain how a person looks like. Trying something fresh, more different. You'll be surprised at how much more imagery it could have. I'd trying of something but I'm dry of ideas right now. (Stayed up all night watching a TV show. =D)

"What? Are you chicken Sarah?" Kevin sneered his steel blue eye glinting.

There should be a comma after sneered to separate the two actions. Another comma should also be added after 'chicken'.
Since there seems to be a problem with comma placements, here's a link that might help you brush up on the rules. Study up a bit so your writing becomes better. Good grammar and punctuation means more reviewers and readers.
The Uses of Commas That Are Often Overlooked
Punctuation Marks
Dialogue Grammar
For the full list of YWS Writing help topics, click here.
"No, i just don't think.."

Remember to capitalize your "I's". This is quite important and I recommend skimming your work before posting to avoid these little errors. ^^

I noticed a lot of repetitive mistakes in you writing and I went ahead and pointed out a few and gave you links to some helpful topics that might higher your writing skills. Hopefully next time, they'll be of aid to you somehow.

Overall


So, after finishing this story I feel kinda bad for the girl. I mean, who wouldn't? But I'm glad she decided to shoot the guy in the end. If it were me, I would have done worse. Anyway, there are a few things in which I'd like to talk about concerning the story overall.

Firstly, introduction wise, I think it was a bit lacking. You might want to start off with something more attention grabberish. Like some questionable saying or something inspiration or whatever that catches that hold on a reader's attention. Usually, well in my case, I don't really like openers that start with dialogue. In this case, you can use what you have but maybe you could further and explain why she feels like they shouldn't do what they're doing a little bit more. Try a few different openers out and see what you like.

I noticed there were quite a bit of comma errors and such and such in your writing as I continued to read. My only advice for you would be to check up on those links and see what you can absorb from them. Also, try to review some basic grammar rules and all, it'll help you writing in the long run.

As for the characters, there were a few inconsistencies or actually, parts where I didn't believe the realism in your characters. For example, why does Sarah even go out with Kevin? You mentioned that she's the town's 'object or meat' and that she's very uncomfortable with the guys around there so why in the world is she dating this Kevin guy? What about him makes him different than all the other guys that she would go out of her zone to date him? Obviously she doesn't like the way guys look at her so I'm left sort of confused to why this is. Maybe you should put in some information concerning that point. She complains to Kevin about the way she's being treated and he doesn't even seem to care so what's up? Does she not see it inside of him? These things could be picked up and I'm wondering what blinded her. It can't be her sheer love for him, right? As far as I know, they'd don't really look like they're really in love, or were in love.

Another thing is I felt like this story was quite predictable with the third person thing. You jumped from Kevin's head to Sarah's head and it was easy to tell what was going to happen. I suggest that you stick to one head, tell it from the victims perspective. I think this will allow for some more thrill because you have no idea what the other guy is thinking and you don't see it coming. Do you understand where I'm getting at?

Another nitpick of mine would be what Kevin said to Sarah about having her while she was still free to run. It's either he's a really stupid guy or he planned on playing a little tag before. I mean, in that kind of situation would a guy really just come out with the truth on what he had planned? I don't know, but it seemed slightly off, you know?

After the middle I noticed that you had little comments in parenthesis. Normally, I like a bit of humor or whatever in my reads but it didn't really fit here. I mean, what does someone normally think in this situation? To me, they were a mood killer because it was like one of those kids that laugh in a serious conversation and everyone looks at him annoyed. lol

With that said, I think you should have added some more emotion into this story. Where is the fear? I see only a little glimpse of it and it's not as cutting as I would have liked it to be. I mean, she's all alone and she nearly got raped so where is all that fear and terror? Was there not another door to run out from? Add some more feeling into this so we're just as scared for her as she is.

Overall, you did a pretty good job. I still think there should have been more explanation and description used but what you have is still decent. I did like the fact that you made this sort of a dark tale and instead of having anyone come save her, she saved herself. It wasn't the best situation at hand but not all stories are happy endings. Okay, if you have any further questions feel free to PM me about them.

-Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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I like how the story grips you and makes you want to read on it's good, besides there's a few mistakes spellings and grammar if you just read over it you will see them and it would make the story more readable so i don't have to go over and over it to make sure i got it right. Also you should describe the surroundings more not in a boring way like there was an old cupboard, a kitchen that looked old don't do it like that you would loose readers, just make it sound dramatic to fit the scenes of the 'book' then it would give the reader something to imagine more. all i got were what the characters looked like and nothing more, you will need to add the background so it's more realistic. But over all i really like the story flow and think that it makes the reader read on so keep it up!




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Hi all thanks for posting.

where is all that fear and terror? Was there not another door to run out from?


I did have some better ideas for this. One about her running out into the forest and hiding whilst Kevin hunted, maybe with the 30-30. But i stopped writing and then forgot about it. If i took my time (more than 2 hours) it would have been better. And i would've added all the little details.
"There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering." Cato




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Ahh… a story from the land where everybody’s a rapist! That is one of three complaints I have. The other is that you wrote his instead of he’s. The last is there are a few bits that are just… unnecessary. The bit with the erect penis. They actually threw me right out of reading.

So here’s the good bit: wow was I nervous reading this. I was gripped by the story. It got me and it kept me. Now I did have my moments where I wasn’t sure if she was going to make it out okay. I like the ending most definitely. I think you do a good job of writing Sarah. She’s not the world’s smartest girl, but she definitely has a very real feeling. Now Kevin has a real type of feel when he’s playing with the chips… I don’t know, somehow when they turn on the rape it’s just…

Old Joe basically reminds me of a monster in an old movie, and doesn’t seem like a real person. I think it’s the rape bit that’s just kind of… not that well done. Old Joe is interesting as a drunk. Kevin is interesting almost the entire time until he decides rape is the answer. “You were always too perfect, I can’t even cop a feel off you. What good are you to me!” That was probably the best part when Kevin got his rape on... but somehow the guys just become... cartoonish monsters when they decide rape is the answer.

Since the rape is the biggest part of the story that’s a problem... but you have a really good way of describing characters. Kevin’s funny and likable even knowing what he plans. Sarah comes off like and actual girl. Old Joe being drunk just seems so real. The pacing is so perfect and really tense. It’s so great... except for the main plot point.... either learn how to write attempted rape better or tweak the story... then you’re golden!
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Powerful men have a way of avoiding consequences.
— Dr. Harrison Wells, The Flash