~The Last Literati~

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The art of escaping reality is something that is considered by many people impossible. Truly, it is, in fact, impossible. But whoever said it is unreachable? Escaping reality is more simplier than what most of us think. It can be as simple as glaring out the window, waiting for the last leaf of autumn to be blown away by the gusts of winter. Yes, it is quite easy to get out, but usually the ones who get out never gets in again. It could be because they planned to stay out forever. But what about the ones who never planned and was just in it for fun? They could just be 'enticed', or rather, 'lured in'.

Who knows?

Me, I never wanted to be 'enticed', but I have to. I need to find someone. Someone I've lost along the treacherous way in reality. That's why now, I wonder through worlds and universes, created by either talented or mad people who weave parallel realities in ink and paper. Through the words they write, I make a path. A quite a haphazard path, apparently. A path that may lead me to my death or to 'her'.

>>Prologue of Reality<<

"Well? Well? Well?" Len jumps in his computer chair like an excited child showing his first drawn picture to his mother.

"You're mad," Amalia smirks to her delight. "You know that, right?"

Len frowns. "Such a killjoy," he murmurs away.

"Hey, I can't help it if you sound so philosophical to me." She continues putting lotion onto her slender legs of pinkish white, not bothering the disturbed look of her older brother. "Okay, I admit, I'm not the best person to show your stories to. And I don't have that knack most of our relatives do. But I do understand the drama you want to sprinkle in your story," She says, getting all artistic in the last sentence.

"Okay..." Seeing his younger sister not bothered by his glare, he goes right back to face his computer. "Oh, and could you please not do that in my room? I'd be more than happy if you did."

"You called me here, could you blame me?" Amalia's indifferent tone makes the awkward atmosphere look like a typical scenario in any household of three.

This only makes Len more disturbed and resist not to look behind to her sister's long, flawless legs that sit on his messy bed. He tries to straighten himself up and get his draft done before noon, but the sound of Amalia's hands sliming her skin with something he finds so vile is making his head fill with many kinds of dirty thoughts. This, for him, only makes matters worse.

"What time is it?" She asks innocently, finished with her task at hand.

"6:33. Why?"

"Really?!" She exclaims, "It's so early~!" She lets herself fall onto the pillow that smelled just like her brother's shampoo and curls around it like a child hugging a huge teddy bear.

Hearing her getting all cozy in his bed, he sighs in discomfort and lets his head roll up to the ceiling, leaving his gaping mouth open at the monitor. "Lia, if you're gonna snooze off the whole morning, do it in your own room."

She squeezes the pillow hard, burying her face deeper into it, "I dou' wanna," her muffled voice sounds childish.

"Lia," He looks onto his childish sister and sees her even pulling his thick, creased blankets over her small body. Annoyed, he calls out for his Dad, "DAAD!!!"

And the poor sleepy lady is dragged out of his room in an instant.

>>A Typical Miller Morning<<

"Breakfast is served~!" Their Dad would always say with their plates balanced on both his palms.

"Yey~! Eggs!" Amalia claps her hands in delight like when she was still six. From ever since she can remember, breakfast was always never complete for her without eggs.

Dad slips their plates on either sides of the table in front of them, then he goes and turns to the counter to prepare their hot chocolates. "Amalia," Dad calls as he pours the steaming liquid onto the mug, "Why are you in Amadeus's room again?"

Len chokes on his wheat bread, "Dad, don't call me by my second name! It sounds geeky!"

"Hey, I named you that so don't get all cocky about it."

"He called me," Amalia sings with her mouth crammed with food, "In the middle of the night he said! And he expect me to be there~!"

"I called you by cellphone on 6:30 in the morning!" He protests.

Dad slides the mugs towards the bickering siblings and the two catches it with ease. "Why did you call her?" He sits down with the two on the table. "And Amalia, didn't I told you no more sleeping in your brother's room? Don't tell me you're still scared of the willow tree outside your window."

She gulps the drink down like lukewarm water and says, "Hell no! That tree don't scare me anymore! And besides," She lowers her voice, "I didn't slept with him, he just wanted my opinion on his stupid story."

Len glances an offended look on her.

"Story?" Dad becomes excited, "You were writing a story?"

He sighs, "Yes, I was writing a story," Taking a sip on his mug only to find his tongue burned on the hotness of the chocolate.

"Son," Dad extends his long but skinny hand onto Len's shoulder. Len readies himself for a heart-to-heart talk with him. But then, he says, "You should've known better to ask the great Adrian Antagarilde Miller than to ask such a naive lady like Amalia Rindt Miller for opinion!" His quirky, cartoonish voice echoes around the dining room.

Len's jaw drops.

"Yeah, bro," Amalia gets all cartoonish too, "Why didn't you call poor ol' Daddy? Unlike me, Daddy's a full-time writer with a cool pen name! You really should've known better!"

Dad's hands tranfers to Amalia's shoulders, "But instead, you called my darling daughter who's obviously stressed out of being a famous actress like Jolie~!"

They both say in chorus, "Ah, the cruel irony of the aging world. The shame!" Dad then acts as if he's crying, and Amalia comes to comfort him by crying with him too.

She turns to him and says, "Well, bro? Aren't you gonna apologise?"

"I don't believe this..." He murmurs away as he forced himself to drink his hot chocolate only to find his tongue being burned again.
____________

I actually started this a few weeks ago, but due to my unhealthy obsession with drawing, I only started thinking of posting this a few minutes ago. Don't worry, I've finished this story (and it's actually quite long), I just cut it short so it won't look lackadaisical to others. Oh, and please don't bombard me with destructive comments, it'd be more appreciated if you would grace me with helpful ones so I can at least improve my writing...! >.< Thanks... ^^;
Reality can be so cruel. But that is why we have a promising life.




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Hiya! Comments in bold :)

Shion wrote:The art of escaping reality is something that is considered by many people impossible. Truly, it is, in fact, impossible Too many commas in this sentence, and it seems redundant, especially considering the next sentence. But whoever said it is unreachable? Wouldn't 'impossible' and 'unreachable' be considered synonyms?Escaping reality is more simplier Just "simpler" would suffice than what You don't need the "what" most of us think. It can be as simple Repetition as glaring out the window, waiting for the last leaf of autumn to be blown away by the gusts of winter. Yes, it is quite easy to get out, but usually the ones who get out never gets Singular, not plural in again. It could be because they planned to stay out forever. But what about the ones who never planned and was "Were" - Plural herejust in it for fun? They could just be 'enticed', or rather, 'lured in'.

Who knows?

Me, I never wanted to be 'enticed', but I have to "to be", I think. I need to find someone. Someone I've lost along the treacherous way in reality "Of reality". That's why now, I wonder "wander"through worlds and universes, created by either talented or mad people who weave parallel realities in Reconsider, the 'in' sounds a bit weird here ink and paper. Through the words they write, I make a path I don't understand this sentence. A quite a haphazard path, apparently. A path that may lead me to my death comma or to 'her'.

Okay, I'm going to stop correcting all basic mistakes like where you mess up your plural/singular or put 'in' instead of 'of' and stuff like that, you can catch those out easily enough if you read through your text before posting it. That would also help you get rid of repetitions, mind. Try reading aloud if you're not sure if a sentence sounds correct or not, that usually helps. An interesting start, to be sure, but a bit confusing at times, you don't always make it clear what you're trying to say and as a result you end up with a few sentences that basically say the same thing but nothing very concrete at all, and it can be a bit confusing for the reader. I like the concept and the way you started off, though, in general :)

>>Prologue of Reality<<

"Well? Well? Well?" Len jumps in his computer chair Sounds like he's in the chair itself, rephrase like an excited child showing his first drawn picture to his mother.

"You're mad," Amalia smirks to her delight Why is she smirking to her own delight? That doesn't make sense. "You know that, right?"

Len frowns. "Such a killjoy," he murmurs away.Do you mean he walks away as he murmurs? he can't murmur something away...

"Hey, I can't help it if you sound so philosophical to me The "to me" is redundant, get rid of it." She continues putting lotion onto her slender legs of pinkish white, not bothering "not bothered by" the disturbed look of her older brother. "Okay, I admit, I'm not the best person to show your stories to. And I don't have that knack most of our relatives do. But I do understand the drama you want to sprinkle in your story," She says, getting all artistic in the last sentence. I wouldn't say that's very artistic. Refrain from comments like this unless writing in first person.

"Okay..." Seeing his younger sister not bothered by his glare, he goes right back to face his computer. "Oh, and could you please not do that in my room? I'd be more than happy if you did." "didn't"

"You called me here, could "can" you blame me?" Amalia's indifferent tone makes the awkward atmosphere look An atmosphere doesn't look, it seems or feels like something like a typical scenario in any household of three. Is there a typical scenario like that? Don't make generalized and unspecific comments like this, there's no point, they don't tell the reader anything at all.

This only makes Len more disturbed and resist not to look behind to her sister's long, flawless legs that sit on his messy bed The second part of that sentence makes absolutely no sense. Rewrite . He tries to straighten himself up and get his draft done before noon, but the sound of Amalia's hands sliming her skin with something he finds so vile is making his head fill with many kinds of dirty thoughts Wouldn't 'dirty thoughts' imply he's not finding it vile at all? And if you're going to comment on his thoughts then tell me what they are, don't just observe that he's thinking something and leave it at that, it's a good opportunity for character development that you're throwing away. This, for him, only makes matters worse.

"What time is it?" She asks innocently, finished with her task at hand.

"6:33. Why?"

"Really?!" She exclaims, "It's so early~!" She lets herself fall onto the pillow that smelled just like her brother's shampoo and curls around it like a child hugging a huge teddy bear.

Hearing her getting all cozy in his bed, he sighs in discomfort and lets his head roll up to the ceiling Reconsider this phrase, make sit sound like he's just been decapitated, leaving his gaping mouth open at the monitor. "Lia, if you're gonna snooze off the whole morning, do it in your own room."

She squeezes the pillow hard, burying her face deeper into it, "I dou' wanna," her muffled voice sounds childish.

"Lia," He looks onto his childish sister and sees her even pulling his thick, creased blankets over her small body. Annoyed, he calls out for his Dad, "DAAD!!!"

And the poor sleepy lady is dragged out of his room in an instant.

What are you trying to show me through this scene, I have no clue. You've described a series of actions by two characters giving no insight into either of them, no depth at all. What is Len writing about? Why does he think Lia is childish? Why are they up so early? Why is the Dad so willing to get into the middle of their arguments and drag her out of the room? Why did Len call Lia into his room and then have a problem with her being there? Loads of questions like that should have been answered in that passage, you don't want to leave me wondering what you're on about because unless you give me something concrete to focus on at the beginning of your story, I'm not going to continue reading.

>>A Typical Miller Morning<<

"Breakfast is served~!" Their Dad would always say with their plates balanced on both his palms.

"Yey~! Eggs!" Amalia claps her hands in delight like when she was still Cut the "still"six. From Cut the "from" ever since she can remember, breakfast was always Cut the "always" never complete for her without eggs.

Dad slips their plates on either sides Singular, not plural of the table in front of them, then he goes and turns to the counter to prepare their hot chocolates. "Amalia," Dad calls as he pours the steaming liquid onto "into"the mug, "Why are you in Amadeus's room again?"

Len chokes on his wheat bread, "Dad, don't call me by my second name! It sounds geeky!"

"Hey, I named you that so don't get all cocky about it."

"He called me," Amalia sings with her mouth crammed with food, "In the middle of the night he said He said what?! And he expect me to be there~!" Rephrase that last sentence, it makes no sense. Again.

"I called you by cellphone on "at" not on 6:30 in the morning!" He protests.

Dad slides the mugs towards the bickering siblings and the two catches "catch them" it with ease. "Why did you call her?" He sits down with the two on I presume you mean "at the table" rather than literally on the surface of it? the table. "And Amalia, didn't I told you no more sleeping in your brother's room? Don't tell me you're still scared of the willow tree outside your window."

She gulps the drink down like lukewarm water Why like lukewarm water? Does she not like it? Because it's not a positive connotation you're supplying with this simile. and says, "Hell no! That tree don't scare me anymore! And besides," She lowers her voice, "I didn't slept with him, he just wanted my opinion on his stupid story."

Len glances an offended look on her.Seriously? Rewrite this.

"Story?" Dad becomes excited, "You were writing a story?"

He sighs, "Yes, I was writing a story," Taking a sip on "from" his mug only to find his tongue burned on the hotness of the chocolate. You just said above it was lukewarm, don't contradict yourself or your reader won't trust you as a narrator, and I assume you don't want that to happen.

"Son," Dad extends his long but skinny hand onto Len's shoulder. Len readies himself for a heart-to-heart talk "Get rid of the 'talk', redundant with him. But then, he says, "You should've known better to ask the great Adrian Antagarilde Miller than to ask such a naive lady like Amalia Rindt Miller for "an" opinion!" His quirky, cartoonish voice echoes around the dining room. How can a voice be cartoonish, exactly? You could say it resembles a specific character... Also change the order in that sentence it doesn't sound right, the "you should have known better" one I mean.

Len's jaw drops.

"Yeah, bro," Amalia gets all cartoonish No, just no. Be specific - does she sound or look or act like a cartoon character or what? too, "Why didn't you call poor ol' Daddy? Unlike me, Daddy's a full-time writer with a cool pen name! You really should've known better!"

Dad's hands tranfers You've missed an "s"to Amalia's shoulders, "But instead, you called my darling daughter who's obviously stressed out of "by" maybe? I'm not sure what you mean... being a famous actress like Jolie~!"

They both say in chorus, "Ah, the cruel irony of the aging world. The shame!" Dad then acts as if he's crying, and Amalia comes to comfort him by crying with him too. How would crying with him be a comfort?

She turns to him and says, "Well, bro? Aren't you gonna apologise?"

"I don't believe this..." He murmurs away I've pointed this out before as he forced himself to drink his hot chocolate only to find his tongue being burned again.This, too.
____________

I actually started this a few weeks ago, but due to my unhealthy obsession with drawing, I only started thinking of posting this a few minutes ago. Don't worry, I've finished this story (and it's actually quite long), I just cut it short so it won't look lackadaisical to others. Oh, and please don't bombard me with destructive comments, it'd be more appreciated if you would grace me with helpful ones so I can at least improve my writing...! >.< Thanks... ^^;


Fine, so I couldn't stop myself from correcting the basic mistakes, so there you go, half the job done. make sure you proof-read what you write before posting it though, it's really tiresome to read and critique if grammatical mistakes keep popping up, I can't focus on what you're writing in the first place. Like I said, reading aloud may help.

Also, I'd reconsider the present tense. not only are you getting mixed up with it and then messing up the subjunctive too, but usually you use the past tense in writing and it just sounds more natural. I'd suggest you do that, at least for now while the present still causes a problem, just to make life easier for yourself.

I still don't really know what the point of this is. There is no more development done on any of the characters than there was at the start of the story, which means they're all flat and mean nothing to the reader. You need to give insight on them, into their thoughts, give some background on each of them personally, on them together as a family, that kind of thing. You've mentioned the father is a writer - elaborate, details! And when you give similes and try to compare your characters to something or someone or whatever, be specific, otherwise it's pointless for you to do so.

And don't contradict yourself.

There, I con't really think of anything else to say at this point... It's not bad, it definitely has potential, but it needs a lot of work on it. Is this a short story or are you going to develop it? Make sure you know what you're going to write about beforehand, it makes life much easier, and keeps the focus of what you write. PLanning does help - and yes, I know there are people who don't need to plan and write excellently, but they're rare. I'd suggest planning, I always do anyway, I wouldn't write anything remotely comprehensible if I didn't. Feel free to PM me with any questions or comments or whatever else you want/need :)

Happy New Year!

~Quilly
Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sand of time


Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
(A Psalm of Life)



Hearing these stories makes me realize that I never did anything with my childhood.
— The Internet