Suffocation

Her arms were bruised,
her legs scraped and bleeding.
Burns marked her wrists,
from the course ropes wrapped tightly around her.
Her mouth was dry,
but her forehead was soaked.
Her face was sweltering,
but her hands were frozen.
She could scarcely move because of the pain and terror she felt.
Her heart raced as black, hooded figures began circling her.
She could feel their icy cold breath as they began to lean in closer.
Her throat ached with the need to scream,
but her mouth would not allow it.
Thick, black smoke began filling the area.
She gasped for air,
but she felt as though her lungs had shriveled up, never to be used again.
It was then that the tears came.
They streamed down her dusty face,
collecting beneath her jaw.
She looked up suddenly when startled by a sudden bright light.
She was instantly blinded,
by the beauty of the man that was approaching her so lovingly.
The hooded figures made ear piercing screeches,
as a mysterious wind began forcing them from the scene.
Her eyes were blurred with tears of joy as the beautiful man held out his hand to her…

My view of this altogether is that it was okay. It could be improved, but it is awfully hard to write a story in a poem. Considering, I think it was rather okay. Not the best it could have been, but I still enjoyed reading it.

Her arms were bruised,
her legs scraped and bleeding.
Burns marked her wrists,
from the course ropes wrapped tightly around her.<------ I like that you explained a little physical hurt and injuries. Otherwise, I probably would have just thought that she was very shaken up, but not physically hurt.
Her mouth was dry,
but her forehead was soaked.
Her face was sweltering,
but her hands were frozen.<----- Truthfully, I'm not sure if I like these contradicting lines. I know that making them contradicting was the point, but it just doesn't flow right.

She could scarcely move because of the pain and terror she felt.
Her heart raced as black, hooded figures began circling her.

<----- I think that this could have been put together and flowed more easily than it is. It sounds a bit rough, over all. I wish that you'd added a bit more raw emotion.

She could feel their icy cold breath as they began to lean in closer.
Her throat ached with the need to scream,
but her mouth would not allow it.
Thick, black smoke began filling the area.
She gasped for air,
but she felt as though her lungs had shriveled up, never to be used again.

<---- I like the visuals you gave.

It was then that the tears came.
They streamed down her dusty face,
collecting beneath her jaw.

<----- I really like that you gave a little bit of detail to her crying. Many people don't, and that bothers me for some reason.

She looked up suddenly when startled by a sudden bright light.
She was instantly blinded,
by the beauty of the man that was approaching her so lovingly.
The hooded figures made ear piercing screeches,
as a mysterious wind began forcing them from the scene.

<---- Very nice. I like that the hero of the story reminded me of God, somehow. Maybe that's what you meant, or maybe that's just what I picked up.
Her eyes were blurred with tears of joy as the beautiful man held out his hand to her…

<---- I don't like the way you ended it. I wish the ending was a bit more smooth.

Over all, fairly well done. Next time add a little more detail and emotion, and you should be set.

Slone wrote:Her arms were bruised,
her legs scraped and bleeding.
Burns marked her wrists,
from the course ropes wrapped tightly around her. In truth I think these four lines need work. The opening of a poem needs to establish some sort of rhythm, rhyme scheme, stuff like that. In your first four lines, I gathered that this might be disorganized.
Her mouth was dry,
but her forehead was soaked.
Her face was sweltering, it may just be me, but I don't like this word here. I would suggest using a shorter word maybe something like "melting" or "blazing"
but her hands were frozen. This contrast seems a little misused. You're using two different terms for these words. You're using "sweltering" as in her face was hot, then you're using "frozen" as in her hands were not moving. I think maybe you could say something like "But the room was freezing" or "
She could scarcely move because of the pain and terror she felt.
Her heart raced as black, hooded figures began circling her. Here's another contrast that I think you could take advantage of. Scarcely move and her heart raced.
She could feel their icy cold breath as they began to lean in closer.
Her throat ached with the need to scream,
but her mouth would not allow it.
Thick, black smoke began filling the area.
She gasped for air,
but she felt as though her lungs had shriveled up, never to be used again. Shorten this line, please.
It was then that the tears came.
They streamed down her dusty face,
collecting beneath her jaw.
She looked up suddenly (Not a good word to use in poetry sometimes. I would either move it to beginning of line or toss it) when startled by a sudden bright light.
She was instantly blinded, (no comma; the pause there just inhibits the flow of rhythm)
by the beauty of the man that was approaching her so lovingly.
The hooded figures made ear piercing screeches, (same with this comma. You need to be careful in poetry where you place your commas. If you place them in the wrong place the wrong effect will be used)
as a mysterious wind began forcing them from the scene.
Her eyes were blurred with tears of joy as the beautiful man held out his hand to her… Break this up into multiple lines to give the ending more flow and make it read better.

All in all, I agree with Angelus, it needs work. Story telling in poem form is a difficult task, so don't take it personally when people say things like it needs work. The main problem really is that there's no figurative language. Poetry is all about the figurative language. If you're more of a literal writer, poetry is very hard to do well at.

good work.... good narration.... i know how hard can it be to write a story which rhymes i myself write poems but im still a beginner...... keep up the work..

Thanks to everyone for your criticism I'll be sure to remember it next time I'm writing a poem. And thank you Angelus for recognizing the bright light as God. that was in fact my attempt!

I think TheWalkinDude hit a key point when mentioning that the poem was lacking figurative language, which makes for a less poetic and enticing read. Over all it was an alright poem, but I think with a little readvision it could be amazing. The title perked my interest, and the first few lines held my attention very well---starting a poem out with such turmoil was quite striking. What I think is a slight turn-off to me is the fact that the poem is so, I don't know, obvious I suppose. I like a poem where I have to read deep into the words in order to figure out the story.
I did like the shadowy figures around her though, and the man who's beauty banished them and blinded her. . . THAT'S figurative and it's interpretation can vary with the reader.

This shows really, really good potential
Like, you really put a picture in my head of this lost, helpless, broken girl... it's all really well worded and the descriptions are just perfect I just think that maybe you should keep on writing poetry, to help you link things together a little bit better... And to find different ways of saying things, like when "she" and "her" seemed to have been repeated a lot...
But this ... is a seriously awesome poem xx

Overall I thought this was pretty good. The structure was a bit everywhere - in the future I suggest perhaps polishing your poems a bit before posting them? Again, it's just a suggestion. Generally, having the lines relatively the same in length and splitting the poem into seperate stanzas helps the reader follow what you're saying, and it helps the poem look a bit more professional and appealing. I don't mean you have to do syllable count and all that boring stuff.. but maybe you'd want to consider keeping the lines a little more clean cut.

Your word choice wasn't too bad; I thought you conveyed the images of the poem pretty well. The concept is very clear, which is definitely a plus It helps connect with the reader on a certain level. Though I think some of the descriptions could have been better than they were, word choice is something that evolves with time. I bet you're going to be a fantastic writer as you progress. Great write.

Im only new and have been checking out some poems though this is one of the best so far. I love the themes, and there are many in this poem

Hi!
Wow, I thought it was absolutely perfect.
Don't change a thing about it. You described things very well and you were very creative.
I could just imagine her there and the hooded people circling her.
I adore your way of writing.
You have a very good imagination and I hope to see more writing like this from you!
Thank you for posting it.
Again, I loved it!

Wow. that was...deep. sad, yet sweet. i like how it goes from pain, to fear, to anger, to happiness. it really shows the light at the end of the tunnel. great job. keep writing :3

I definitely adored this one!
I don't know... but it got me really excited.
I really felt every emotion the main character was going through and although this could've been a story written as a novel with more complex twists and turns I felt contented with how it began and how it ended. It's the best the way it already is. Please keep writing, you're amazing at it!