Rose Ch1 pg1

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Ch 1

It was pitch black; a suffocating thick darkness that overwhelmed you. There wasn’t a sound to be heard.
So this is what it must feel like when you’re dead, Kate thought. It’s terrifying not knowing anything but still having this intimate awareness of yourself. Like the fact that she knew she was running, hard. Not away from something of that she was sure, instead she was the pursuer, the predator chasing its prey.
It sure would be nice to be able to see and hear, Kate thought wistfully to herself. Or did she speak that? There wasn’t much time to contemplate the difference between the two, for as soon as she thought it, she instantly regretted it. Some unknown but infinitely greater being had heard her request and graciously decided to grant it, but with a twist. The volume was instantly cranked up and the lights flicked on to reveal she was enveloped in a horrible nightmare.
There was only one way to describe this place. Hell. Fire and lava spewed everywhere with black rock honey-combed across it. The heat was unbearable and the smell of sulfur blasted Kate’s newly awakened senses, making her gag and eyes water, but still she ran on, unable to stop.
Kate’s blurry eyes were greeted with the sight of mangled and decapacitated bodies of humans and nightmarish creatures that made Poe’s look like the boogey men that hid in little kids’ closets. They lay about covered in blood, yet some of them were still standing and moving adding more to the number of those lying on the ground dead. All around echoed the horrible cries of the dying and suffering; the guttural laughs of the creatures filled the air. The clash of steel and the tearing of flesh rang all around. Kate’s horror swiftly changed to rage. How dare they hurt my people! If they so much as put a scratch on Sarai...Wait…..Sarai? Who were these people even? But her questions were quickly discarded from her head as her anger drove her ever onwards, leaping and jumping from rock to rock faster and faster. Kate’s mouth curled into a malicious smile. She was getting closer; that predatorial instinct told her she was close, and then, she saw her, the one she was chasing.
I have to kill her, Kate thought. If I kill her this will all be over…..wait, what? I’m not going to kill her! I do not kill!
Suddenly, she could feel something hanging heavy in her grasp. She looked down but quickly turned her head away from the sword that was hanging in her hand. It was covered in blood. To distract herself from throwing up, she studied the girl ahead of her. She seemed to be about Kate’s age, seventeen, with a slim but fit figure. Her chin length blonde hair was a stark contrast against the all black outfit of a t-shirt, khakis and biker boots. She too had a bloody sword in her hand. Then for one second, the girl looked back at her, smirking.
Kate bolted upright, gasping for breath. The girl had been her! Well, she had the same face but the eyes had been a menacing black.
“It’s not real. It’s not real,” repeating it over and over to, holding her head in her hands, trying to calm herself down. She was so sick and tired of this! For the past week she’d been having that same nightmare every night and every time it would hit her as freshly as that first night. In the beginning she had blamed it on watching “Underworld.” A horror movie about vampires and all the nightmarish creatures the world has come up with, deep within the pits of Hell except it hadn’t been fiery. It had been a frozen, grey wasteland and the creatures hadn’t looked anything at all like the one’s she’d seen in her nightmare and there hadn’t been a girl either. But unfortunately the nightmares had continued and she would wake up just as tired and exhausted as when she first fell asleep. Kate tried to go back to bed but her mind was so shocked and horrified by the images that it kept repeating in her head over and over again. Eventually, she had decided to just not go to sleep at all, but that was fighting a losing battle. Her body and mind were so drained and so exhausted, that for one second she was closing her eyes, and the next she was soundly asleep.
Kate’s biggest fear and secret yearning was that one night she would go to sleep and never wake up, that her mind would just give up and put her in a coma. The obvious thing to do was to tell her parents but something kept holding her back every time she tried to tell them, some instinct told her not to and so she kept her parents in the dark. She didn’t understand it, this reluctance. Kate had always loved and trusted her parents, she told them almost everything. So why the hesitation? I don’t know, she thought flopping against her pillows. Glancing at the clock on her bed stand she found it was only six; she still had an hour before she had to get ready for school. Might as well get dressed and go early, she thought stretching her muscles as she stood up. Nothing better to do.
Blinking at the sudden light when she turned her lamp on, she stumbled towards the closet grabbing a pair of jeans, a red tank, and a sweatshirt. Pulling her long brown hair into a pony tail, Kate grimaced as she caught a look at herself in the mirror. She looked like crap, and to be honest she felt like crap. The dark circles underneath her blood-shot grey eyes stuck out like a sore thumb against her pale face. Kate grabbed the cover up and dabbed it on ‘til she deemed it hidden well enough, but unfortunately there was nothing she could do for the eyes. Not entirely satisfied with her disguise but feeling like there’s nothing else she could do, she grabbed her lunch from the kitchen and headed out the door.
Kate knew the school wasn’t going to be full this early but she at least expected a few teachers and some cars here, not this complete emptiness. The old stone buildings were dark inside, the halls and parking lots completely deserted. Weird, Kate thought as she headed towards her usual spot.
The sophomore and junior buildings were connected by a hallway and enclosed between those structures was a giant oak tree. The oak was her friends’ and her meeting place, they loved that old tree. It was ginormous and reminded them of the “Whomping Willow” from Harry Potter. It was so tall, it was twice the height of the buildings but its branches were only allowed to extend to the walls. Kate’s friends had nicknamed it “Ol’ Faithful”; it emanated old age and for some reason she had always gotten a feeling of security around it. Maybe because it had seen and been through so much yet it was still standing here, intact. She sat down, leaning against it, taking warmth in its solidarity. The nightmare was fast disappearing from her mind. Kate looked down at her watch and groaned. It was only five-ten! Well that explains a lot, she thought angrily, embarrassed at herself. Stupid daylight savings time, I had totally forgotten about it.
Her watch automatically resets itself but she has to manually reset her clock. Sighing, she rested her head against the tree, closing her eyes. Mmm…maybe I’ll just rest here for a bit, Kate thought groggily as a yawn escaped. “Just for a bit little bit…” she mumbled drifting off.
May all your bacon BURN! ~Calcifer "Howl's Moving Castle"




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Whoa. Long page...

>insert review here<

I am reserving a spot, 'cuz this looks interesting, but i currently am short of time.

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-jojo.
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Hey Rosey! Spitfire is here to review ;)

RoseGryffindor wrote:It sure would be nice to be able to see and hear, Kate thought wistfully to herself.

RoseGryffindor wrote: The heat was unbearable and the smell of sulfur blasted Kate’s newly awakened senses, making her gag and eyes water, but still she ran on, unable to stop.

Okay here Kate says she can't see or hear but then when she finally can, all of a sudden, she can't bear the smell and her eyes water. Doesn't work. Even if she couldn't see or hear, she can still smell and feel. She would smell the place, feel her eyes water although she wouldn't know specifically why. Plus, she wouldn't just know that she was running, she would feel herself running, her feet stomping, her breath rushing out, her limbs forcing themselves, etc.

RoseGryffindor wrote:Her chin length blonde hair was a stark contrast against the all black outfit of a t-shirt, khakis and biker boots. She too had a bloody sword in her hand. Then for one second, the girl looked back at her, smirking.
Kate bolted upright, gasping for breath. The girl had been her! Well, she had the same face but the eyes had been a menacing black.

RoseGryffindor wrote:Pulling her long brown hair into a pony tail, Kate grimaced as she caught a look at herself in the mirror. She looked like crap, and to be honest she felt like crap.

First you say she has short blonde hair and then the next she has long brown hair...?

Story

Well you had a few mistakes in the story, but they weren't big enough for me to quote them like the two I did before. Aside from that though, your story is missing a bit of fluidity, I find. I can get where your ideas are going; her dreams are a big part of what's going to happen in the future, the tree is also an important factor. The thing is, you mention them so specifically, that I feel like I can predict exactly what's going to be important and what's not. You need to flow through things, mention them like if it's a normal person's thoughts. In this case, you put way too much emphasis on the tree. If she was really going to it, she would only be thinking about what it looks like, how it's a comforting place for her and why, not about how it resembles harry potter and how her friends call it.

I don't know if you understand what i'm trying to say, but really you have to make us feel like we're are really into the character's life. And one thing people don't do in life is go around explaining everything they've seen and done. So, really, the whole whoping willow part and all, I'd keep it for later on in the story.

As for the beginning of the story, I'm going to be really honest. I know people don't like to hear this, but you should change the beginning. "Why?" you're probably wondering. Because the whole fantasy nightmares thing has been done SO many times I can't even count them on my hands and toes. I actually read an article (I think the link was posted somewhere on the site, actually) about what agents would and would not publish if they read it, and stories that started with bad nightmares like this was one of them. I'm sorry to tell you this, but if you really want to publish this someday (which I'm guessing you do), it would be good to know the things that agents and/or readers like to read.

So that's all I have to say, hope I've helped :)
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Punctuation is the difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma".




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i really liked your idea and where you're taking the story. one of my problems was that i didn't understand exactly when the mc woke up from the dream. It seemed like she was thinking about how much she hated these dreams, and then all of a sudden she was turning on the light. it confused me a bit. Also, does the mc have two nicknames for the tree? First she says her friends and her call it the whomping willow, and then she says something about calling it old faithful.... unless i read it wrong, which very well could be. ^^
I agree, that the beginning should be changed, it's very cliche. You have a good thing going with how descriptive you are though, so keep that up!
If you have any questions, or want me to go into more detail pm me! =D
-Tori
Xx This side of mortality is
scaring me to death
to death xX

-The Temper Trap: Soldier On



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