I Miss You

The day you died;
When you left me behind.
Without a note...
Not a kiss, No goodbye...


When you committed
suicide.

I write this to you,
my forever
broken angel.

My dear,
I'm not the lonely
little girl
that I used to be;
But I still feel helpless...
Oh, I'm still lonely.
Trapped in this.
My beautiful, fragile body:
I am still twisted inside,
but you'd gone before
I could tell you that;
you'd dissapeared before
the knots could become untied.

I want to cry;
I want to scream.
But I don't want to feel helpless;
and without you,
helpless is exactly what I am;

helpless is all I am.

Why didn't you see me
for what I really was?
You didn't love me,
Not anymore.

Have you no shame?

Your memories are
nothing
to me now;
simply scars.
But these scars...
these won't fade away.
I was under your darkest spell and
when you broke it and
ran away, I was left with...
nothing.
I know I've always
got everybody fooled.
But why did you let yourself
be fooled?
You know me.
You knew me!

I thought you knew me...

and the thought that I'm alone and
I always will be;
it breaks me up:
into pieces so sharp, that I won't
ever,
ever,
EVER
have the courage
to pick up
all of those pieces, again;
for all of the blood
and the deep,
dark cuts will remind me
of you.
I know the truth now.
I know who you are.
And I don't love you anymore.

You've betrayed me.

But you are mine,
my darling;
savior.
You saved me, the day
you found me.
You
were perect.
You
were always there.
And by destroying
yourself, you
destroyed me.
Now you aren't around to fix me
back up again.
I'll never understand.
And I can't stand to face that fact;
not when I am
all alone.
So as always,
my beautiful,
disgusting angel,
I am following your lead...
Goodbye, sweet tainted life.

It ends here, tonight.

Aww no! This peace was so sad yet very touching. you wrote it so well that I could actually feel the narrators emotions. Such word usage and imagery is what gave this poem the final effect. the part that hit me the hardest was the line that said, "Not a kiss, No goodbye..." which i interpreted it to say "if you had to leave, why did you leave the way you did?!, what about me?". you this a type of poem that could be transformed into a play, just in case you consider it. Great job! Keep writing!

I can't even nitpick this. It. Is. Brilliant.
Yet so sad. Is this about a real person? Because it is in dramatic poetry and that means you wrote it because it was about a person or thing.

But what a creative mind you have! Congratulations!

Emmzziee wrote:The day you died;
When you left me behind.
Without a note...
Not a kiss, No goodbye... Very nice beginning.


When you committed
suicide. This line was so blunt it almost din't go with the rest of the poem. It doesn't stick out like it should. You could try some thing like "When you swallowed the pills." ( that was just a short example.) Something like that, but more is what I am trying to say.

I write this to you,
my forever
broken angel.

My dear,
I'm not the lonely
little girl
that I used to be;
But I still feel helpless...
Oh, I'm still lonely. You might try making it a little clearer of whats going on here.
Trapped in this.
My beautiful, fragile body: Why is there a colon here?
I am still twisted inside.
You'd gone before,
I could tell you that; These are very confusing lines. I don't get what you are trying to say.
you'd dissapeared before
the knots could become untied.

I want to cry;
I want to scream. A little cliche.
But I don't want to feel helpless;
and without you,
helpless is exactly what I am.

Helpless is all I am. Watch run-on sentences.

Why didn't you see me
for what I really was? I believe "what" should be "who"
You didn't love me,
Not anymore. Okay, I don't even know what to say about this, but it doesn't make sense. Maybe say "You still don't" instead of "Not anymore"

Have you no shame?

Your memories are
nothing
to me now;
simply scars.
But these scars... I noticed you have used But a lot at beginning of sentences. Its okay, but you could just get rid of it.
these won't fade away.
I was under your darkest spell and
when you broke it, and
ran away, I was left with...
nothing.
I know I've always
got everybody fooled.
But why did you let yourself
be fooled?
You know me.
You knew me!

I thought you knew me... You use ... a lot and here there need to be a comma.

and the thought that I'm alone and
I always will be.
it breaks me up:Colon?
into pieces so sharp, that I won't
ever,
ever,
EVER
have the courage
to pick up
all of those pieces, again;
for all of the blood
and the deep,
dark cuts will remind me
of you.
I know the truth now.
I know who you are.
And I don't love you anymore. You are use A LOT of conjunctions at the beginning of sentences.

You've betrayed me.

But you are mine,
my darling;
savior.
You saved me, the day
you found me.
You
were perect.
You
were always there.
And by destroying
yourself, you
destroyed me.
Now you aren't around to fix me
back up again. This is awkward.
I'll never understand.
And I can't stand to face that fact;
not when I am
all alone.
So as always,
my beautiful,
disgusting angel, I really liked this.
I am following your lead...
Goodbye, sweet tainted life.

It ends here, tonight.

So this is a REALLY good poem. The only thing was the use of grammar in it, and I know I missed some of your grammar mistakes. Maybe look it over again. I loved the emotion the most, probably.

WOW!!!! Amazing, you blew me away! I actually have tears in my eyes, please keep writing and NEVER give up!

I really enjoyed your peice. it is complicated, but not overcomplicated, which really complimented your theme. however, i couldn't help noticing that she is really really hard on this guy. i understand that he broke her heart, but committing suicide dosen't seem like something you do to hurt anyone...its an act of greif.is she angry at him for committing suicide, or just angry at the fact she's alone again? I loved the way you used description, your word choice was perfect!

First off--- Whoa....
Second--- LOVED IT!
I thought at the end she may have turned out stronger, repaired herself a little, but instead she met the same bitter end. Which is exactly how it should be, because in true, honest life happy endings are like miracles! They're only there if things can't possibly get worse!
But I really loved it, and honestly I don't love much poetry- I have to be drawn into writing, and this really drew me in. Beautiful.
Okay, proper review time.

When you committed
suicide.

I think it would be just as effective without including this, or maybe something less obvious. The term 'commited suicide' is almost too clinical, it takes away from the connection that this girl/character has with the person who has taken their life. Maybe something along the lines of 'When you took your life' may work.

Your memories are
nothing
to me now;
simply scars.
But these scars...
these won't fade away.

This bit...it confused me a little. Maybe you need to define which scars you mean. Only because when you say that the memories are nothing, simply scars, confuses the next line only because if they mean nothing, surely they might fade away? It could be 'But the scars inside me, these won't fade away.' Just a suggestion.

That's basically any critical comments, but don't listen if it makes no sense, cos I ain't no poet!

Good things ARE - I loved the used of italics as 'inner thoughts', like the character is afraid to say them outloud.

I write this to you,
my forever
broken angel.

I really loved this line in particular, it reminds me of a song lyric. One that stays with you forever.

Anyways, I really loved it, so keep em comin!

x