Outcast

Spoiler

I tried to make this poem show a feeling I'm sure we have all felt- either in real life or on YWS/ internet.
I am such a bad poet, but I wanted to see if writing a poem would help my feelings
Dont be too harsh- i'm awful at taking critism xD

Outcast

Everytime I come here,
Everytime I say something,
I feel a silent snigger,
You lot mimicking me.

So what, I may be younger,
So what, I may be new,
You're meant to be accepting,
Helpful, not annoyed.

You think I can't hear you,
You think I can't see,
The secretive glances,
The hushed laughter.

My heart stops- a new message,
My heart stops- a silence,
Raised eyebrows and amused looks,
A suppressed scream.

A constant pit in my stomach,
A constant lump in my throat,
Worry behind smiles,
Forced into thinking I am wrong.

Outcast, alone,
Outcast, unknown,
Annoying, not liked,
Scared of my own thoughts.

Hello there

You're meant to accepting,

I think you missed something in this line. Try revising it.
Wow, I really loved this. I could really relate, you know. First of all I really loved the first stanza

Everytime I come here,
Everytime I say something,
I feel a silent snigger,
You lot mimicking me.

The last line just really fell well in place, good job!
I think though that with a poem of this sort (very straight forward), need not be too long because as it continues, the idea becomes a little worn out.
Don't get me wrong though, I thought that this was very well written. I know how being an outcasts feels like and I commend you for letting your feelings flow into writing.
Keep writing and good luck!

aweqs wrote:So what, I may be younger,
So what, I may be new,
You're meant to be accepting,
Helpful, not annoyed.


My heart stops- a new message,
My heart stops- a silence,
Raised eyebrows and amused looks,
A supressed scream.

these are the best paragraphs of the poem... great work it totally relates to me... and please do check the spellings before posting(suppressed).... otherwise the piece was just amazing.... keep up the good work...

Heeello there~~

First off, I'll start by saying that you need to give yourself more credit. You say that you are "such a bad poet," but this poem proved you wrong. It wasn't bad at all.

As for comments or corrections specific to certain lines, other people have pretty much covered that, so I'll just skip to the overall part.

Overall:
It was a good poem, with good meaning. Something that people can easily connect and relate to, because I'm sure everyone feels like this at some point or another. I only have a few suggestions. First, I think you should try rhyming the poem. I just feel like it would have flowed so much better with a good rhyming scheme. One I could really see for this poem would be ABCB. Rhyming is harder, so if you're doubting your poetry skills it might not be a good idea, but hey, you could try, right?

Actually, I didn't have a few things to say. That as it. Good poem, keep it up ;P

If you have any questions or comments about anything I said, feel free to PM me~~

Outcast

Everytime I come here,
Everytime I say something,
I feel a silent snigger,Awkward line.
You lot mimicking me.

So what, I may be younger,
So what, I may be new,
You'reAvoid contractions in formal writing. meant to be accepting,
Helpful, not annoyed.Should this be annoying? If not, I do not understand.

You think I can't hear you,
You think I can't see.
The secretive glances.
The hushed laughter.

My heart stops- a new message,
My heart stops- a silence,
Raised eyebrows and amused looks.
A suppressed scream.Why?

A constant pit in my stomach.
A constant lump in my throat.
Worry behind smiles,
Forced into thinking I am wrong.

Outcast, alone,
Outcast, unknown,
Annoying, not liked,
Scared of my own thoughts.[/quote]


I did not catch all the punctuation, only enough so you would catch on. A bit of it was confusing and the rhythm was a little messed up, but it was a really good poem. I have totally felt this way before =p.

aweqs wrote:

Spoiler

I tried to make this poem show a feeling I'm sure we have all felt- either in real life or on YWS/ internet.
I am such a bad poet, but I wanted to see if writing a poem would help my feelings
Dont be too harsh- i'm awful at taking critism xD

Outcast

Everytime I come here,
Everytime I say something,
I feel a silent snigger,
You lot mimicking me.

So what, I may be younger,
So what, I may be new,
You're meant to be accepting,
Helpful, not annoyed.

You think I can't hear you,
You think I can't see,
The secretive glances,
The hushed laughter.

My heart stops- a new message,
My heart stops- a silence,
Raised eyebrows and amused looks,
A suppressed scream.

A constant pit in my stomach,
A constant lump in my throat,
Worry behind smiles,
Forced into thinking I am wrong.

Outcast, alone,
Outcast, unknown,
Annoying, not liked,
Scared of my own thoughts.

Someone already caught most of the grammar ^^
Ah, I don't take criticism all too well, either o.o Since, well, I alredy have very low expectations for myself. Don't need anyone busting it down more XD. We're all unsure of our writing skills, artists skills and so on, though XD. It's really not as bad you claim - and normally I don't just say I like things, I'm honest at all times, just not brutally. People who are brutally honest, I find, just want to read everything and when they critique, they don't take their time. Then they all sound harsh and crap. Yeah...

The red part, I can see how one would feel. I haven't come across this yet; my school is quite friendly, and though they bully others, everyone is gentle with me for some odd reason. But I have this weird thing where I can understand people far more easier than I should. So I feel like I can connect with this, but then again, I haven't experienced it. But I feel like I did, so I like it ;o

Blue stanza = "Helpful, not annoyed"... hmm, there's something about that not quite working, for me. I think it's the "not annoyed" part. Maybe try putting something else there? "Helpful, not hating" maybe? I liked this one a lot, though, especially with the 'younger' thing. That's what I say --- well, think, a lot - "So what if I'm younger?" People and their agism ^^

Green stanza = This one makes me think of school, someone who is in fact, the outcast, the one everyone will spread rumours about, talk about, insult, make fun of, and act like the person can't hear them. People do this a lot - I have a friend going through this. She gets so upset about it... It's annoying how self-centered and unaware people can be. Sucks, really. I liked this stanza a lot, though ^^

Purple stanza = Hmm... this one I didn't quite get at first. Still trying to find it out, I think o.O The narrator did something silly and is now being laughed at, or something? Not sure, but I liked the two top lines, because of the repeat of "My heart" ^^

The last two stanzas were a bit rough, I think. The second to the last didn't make too much sense to me, but I pretty much like poems when they don't... they get me thinking, and for me, it's never too much thinking... yeah. But anyway, I really liked how on the first two lines on each stanza you would repeat a word, like "So what" for the two lines, and then on the next verse, on the two first lines, its "You"... hard to explain, but yeah.

This is definitely a poem people could connect to - countless people. You're not that bad of a writer in poems, so don't think you are ^^. No one is good from the start and everyone takes practice. With poems, it's years.