The Gem of the Magi - Chapter Two

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Chapter Two
Stellalune

Stellalune Cyan cast another fireball at the lantern, making it flare brighter. It was even faster than the last one.

“Very good work,” her mentor, Jonah Caleb commended. “Your fireballs burn with the same intensity as your passion for magic.” He gave her a wink and a grin. "Very hot. In several ways."

He extended his hand to touch her shoulder, but she pulled away and conjured another fireball. “Would you like to see just how hot they are?” She asked in a stinging voice.

He stepped back, but chuckled as if she was just being difficult. “No. I’d actually prefer to see those ice bolts putting out those lanterns like I showed you,” he ordered. “So let’s see it, Stella.”

“Yeah, I bet you know a lot about cold, don’t you?” She flung four ice bolts at the lanterns, putting out each of them.

“Very good, very good. You work well with your hands." Caleb winked at her again, and she shuddered as she thought of the image of his implication.

"Bring out your wand, let's see you work with the tree." Caleb nodded in the direction of the willow that the lanterns hung from.

Stella took out her purple wand with a jerk of her arm, and aimed it at a very leafy branch. As she began twirling it, a wind swirled out of the tip, blowing the leaves every which way. She plucked several leaves from the branch, and the wind danced around the yard with them. She swirled them around herself, then around Caleb, making sure to drag them roughly across his face. He grinned, obviously amused by her show of annoyance.

After twirling the leaves around for a moment longer, she let them drop and put her wand away. "How was that?" She spat out the words with a frown at her mentor.

He took a few steps closer to her. "Very good. One thing though, when you conjure your fireballs, it works much beter for control if you hold your arms like this." Caleb gingerly gripped her forearms and slowly moved them so that they were a few inches apart, with her palms facing each other.

As he grinned and slowly firmed his grip, she jerked her arms away and stepped back. "Okay, I get it. I'll try harder next time." Stella looked at him and adjusted the short sleeves of her robe with frustration. She turned to walk away, but Caleb followed her to the back door of the house.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Stella," he said over her shoulder.

Stella shot him an angry look from her electric blue eyes and stormed inside. She took a few pieces of bread in a cloth bag and tromped down the road towards her parents’ house. Anything to avoid spending another night in a house with Caleb.

Once she made it to her parents’ house, she knocked on the door, and it was answered by her father.

“Well, good evening Stella.” Her father smiled as her saw her.

“May I come in?” She asked.

“Of course, honey.” He laid a strong hand on her shoulder and walked her inside.

Once Stella had entered the sitting room, she walked over to a straw mattress and sat down next to her mother, who was floating a small ball of light between her hands. Even in her motion of sitting, her father could tell she was deflated.

When her mother saw her sit down, she dispelled the ball of light and draped an arm around her daughter’s shoulder. “Good to see you, Stella,” she said warmly. It had been a few days since Stella had visited them, so they were both happy to see her.

“Hello, mother.” She said halfheartedly.

“Is something wrong?”

“It’s Caleb.” Stella leaned her head against her mother’s shoulder.

“What is it about your mentor?” Stella’s father asked.

“I hate him! He always tries to be romantic with me, and he always goes easy on me because I’m ‘the daughter of Elisum and Diana Cyan, and already have much talent!’ He doesn’t want to give me the best training I can get, he only continues training me because he wants to get respect from you, and he likes my body.” Once Stella was finished outpouring loudly, the salty tears began to form on her eyes. A few drips escaped, but she refused to cry out in front of her parents.

Diana kissed Stella on the top of her head. “Stella, dear, I’m sorry that you don’t like your mentor.” In the back of her mind, she was dreading hearing this again. This wouldn't have been the first time Stella had expressed discomfort toward Caleb.

“Has he done anything to you, Stella?” Elisum asked, taking a seat across from them. He had heard these complaints before as well, but a while back, he had begun to believe that there was something deeper to his daughter's distress.

Stella wiped her eyes. “No. No he hasn’t. But he always tries to be close to me.”

Diana held her daughter gently. “Well, Jonah Caleb is a very renowned mage of this area. He was very anxious to work with you.”

“That’s because he wants to be close to you and father!" Stella's eyes widened, her fists clenched, and she stretched herself upright to full sitting height. She wasn't happy that her mother wasn't coming over to her side so easily. "And I believe he also wants to court me once my training is finished. Mother, I know he’s a renowned mage, but I’m begging you, could you please find me a new mentor?” Stella looked up at her mother pleadingly.

Diana sighed. She was having difficulty communicating her point to her daughter without coming across as defensive of Caleb or uncaring about her. “It’s not that simple. Finding a mentor is a very thorough process. It can take several days, at the least. So even if we begin to look for a new mentor, it would take a while.”

Elisum leaned back in his chair, his eyebrows furrowing to a thoughtful frown. “Well, if she’s that unhappy with Jonah, then I don’t think she should have to deal with him anymore.”

“The tournament is fast approaching, Elisum,” Diana reminded him. “She needs someone to help her prepare. What do you propose we do?”

Elisum left the room for a moment and returned with a wooden box. “Her invitation was delivered today. I’d say, we let her make work of it, then we’ll find someone to work with her afterwards until the festival. The tournament is in a few days anyway, it's not as if we're dropping Caleb.”

Stella lept to her feat, a new vigor in her eyes. “Really? Oh thank you! Thank you so much!” She hugged both of her parents. “I promise I’ll return this as soon as possible, then I’ll find someone to work with!” Stella took the box and hurried to her room that her parents kept for her.

Diana walked over and sat on her husband’s lap. “You know, she has incredible potential.” She leaned her head against Elisum’s shoulder.

Elisum kissed his wife’s cheek. “She deserves the best we can give her. I really think she needs someone who will challenge her to her full powers. I’ll be honest, I’ve watched Jonah teach her, and I don’t believe he’s giving her the proper respect and challenge a mentor should.”

“Well, hopefully she’ll solve her riddle soon, and then she can find someone to help her prepare for the festival,” Diana agreed.


It took three days of heavy thought, but Stella finally solved the riddle of the question she had been given. She opened her box, took the lantern that was inside, and was instructed to light it. But this lantern was no ordinary lantern, for no matter how large of a fire Stella could conjure, it would not ignite.

She tried for several hours, with no success. Then, acting on a whim, she doused the wick in water, and tried again. It lit beautifully, and she was able to return her invitation.

After giving it to her parents to mail back, she dressed in her best night blue robe, brushed her long black hair, and left her house, walking along the road that led to and through the market. It was early in the morning, and the sky was gray before the sun would come up. She passed through the nearly deserted market, walked down another road, and came to a ruined old house. She decided to stop for a while and practice her magic. Her parents were right; she did need to prepare for the tournament.

She set her sights on a moss-covered rock, and tried to pull the water out of the moss. All she could manage to do was make it steam. She tried several times, making a clear motion with her hands, but the moss seemed to be protecting its water from her especially.

“You’ve got the right idea, but your form could use a little work,” said a voice from behind her.

She spun around and threw a fireball at the source of the voice, but the boy caught it without any trouble. “Well, your fire skills are very impressive,” he said, dispelling the ball.

Stella relaxed her stance. “Well, do you believe that you can do much better?” She countered.

The boy adjusted the sleeves of his robe and stepped up to where she stood. He took a stance, waved his hands, and slowly lifted the water out of the moss. Stella’s eye widened as he swirled it around in a ring, compressed it into a ball, and froze and unfroze it before returning it to the moss.

“Oh my . . .” Stella gasped. “That was . . .”

“Impressive?” He grinned. “Now you try it again. I hope you were paying attention to me.”

Stella locked her eyes on the rock again, and waved her hands. Still all she could produce was steam.

“That’s better, but still, your movements are a little rough.” He stepped up behind her and moved her forearms slightly closer together. Oddly, it didn’t feel strange or bad, the way it had when Caleb had done it, so she allowed it.

“Try it now.”

Stella looked at the rock again, and moved her hands the same way she had before. She managed to raise more steam, but still just steam.

He touched my arms . . . and he’s helping me coax the magic out. I can feel it . . .

“Almost, you’re really close,” he said. She kept trying to raise steam again, hoping he would move her arms again. It worked; he stepped up behind her and held her forearms again.

“Move your arms like this.” He moved her arms in a figure-eight motion. “And make sure you wave your fingers as well; the magic comes out through your fingers. Now, take it easy, concentrate, and pull the water.” He stepped back to give her room.

Stella tried again, just as the boy had shown her, and with intense concentration, she lifted the water out of the moss. From there, it was easy to swirl it around, freeze and unfreeze it, and compress it into a ball. After a minute or two of floating the water around, she let it drop back into the moss.

The boy grinned. “You’re a very quick learner. You’ll make a great mage one day.”

Stella turned to him and bowed her head. “Thank you. My name is Stella.”

“I’m Nathan. I’m glad I could help you.”

“You’re a very good teacher, Nathan.”

“Ha, well, I suppose. I’m still an apprentice as well,” he said modestly.

“Well, you’re a very advanced apprentice,” Stella said.

“I’m going to be competing in the tournament coming up,” Nathan told her. “Are you?”

“Yes, I just returned my invitation today.”

“I did as well. My riddle was outlandish.” Nathan laughed as he remembered. “I was worried that I was going to die.”

Stella gasped. “Oh my! What was your riddle?”

Nathan sat down up against one of the walls of the house, nearly crumbled and worn all the way to the ground, like all of them. “Well, it’s a very peculiar story.”


After the box closed, Nathan looked around frantically. The torches lining the walls enabled him to see, but there didn’t seem to be anything worth looking for, until he saw the carved message on one of the walls. It read: get out of the box.

Nathan sat down and pondered how to get out of the box. He was there for what felt like several hours. Then he decided to try blasting out. But no amount of fire, ice, or wind could break the strong barrier.

He then tried to climb up the wall and lift the lid of the box open. He managed to climb the wooden wall, but the lid was far too heavy to lift. It felt as if some invisible force were holding it shut.

Nathan sat down again, in the light of the torches, and thought some more. Unbeknownst to him, the several hours turned into a day, and then another half a day. Nathan knew that if he didn’t think of something, he wouldn’t be able to return his invitation in time. He might not even be able to get out of his invitation.

He took some time to simply sit around and study the box. The wooden walls were pleated, so they were climbable, but he'd already tried opening the box, and the lid was sealed tight. Just as it had been when he'd received it.

Nathan tried to put out the torches, but they simply relit again as soon as they were out. There wasn't much he could do, so he sat down and tried to think more about how to get out.

After another hour or so of thinking, his mind drifted to thoughts of the tournament. This was the greatest event known to all magi worldwide. It happened every one thousand and seven hundred days, and brought apprentice magi from all over the world together. It was an honor to receive an invitation, and those who became contenders were granted the chance to become full magi, and have the greatest power and control over magic.

Master Page had told Nathan about the tournament when he had first become an apprentice at seven years old, and was too young to compete. He remembered how he'd immediately run off playing with Page's wand and trying to cast spells he didn't know, most of them just producing dim balls of light. Page had laughed and told him that he'd be ready when he was older, and despite the many groans and whines, Nathan had believed him.

Now he was finally ready, and he was trapped in the box that had been his invitation. There didn't appear to be any way to get out without someone opening the box from the outside. Nathan walked over to one of the walls and removed a torch from its grip. He held it in one hand and played with the fire, making it grow, shrink, spit off other little tongues of flame, and he even took a piece of the flame off the torch and held it in his hand.

After a few moments, Nathan forgot about the predicament he was in, and had fun with his torch. One thing that he figured out how to do was lift the entire flame off of the torch, swirl it around in the air, and return it to the torch. It wasn't until he went to put the torch back that he noticed something odd happening.

He noticed that he didn't have to walk as far to get to the wall and put the torch back. And as he looked around, he noticed that the corners where the walls met were no longer dark. He didn't think much of it, and sat down with his back against the wall. It was strange, because he thought he felt the wall pushing against his back lightly.

Nathan stood bolt upright and looked at the wall. It was shaking . . . and moving toward him! Quickly, Nathan ran to all four walls, trying to push them back, but it only made them close faster. Nathan knew that if he didn't get out in the next several minutes, he'd be crushed by the box. He gritted his teeth and pounded on the walls, making the box vibrate violently. All the shaking gave him an idea. It was a longshot, but it was better than nothing.

Nathan conjured rock and bonded it to the sleeves of his robe. He knocked them hard against the wall of the box, making it shake and rock back and forth. He knew that he'd set the box on his desk, if his master didn't hear the rattling, he would have to hear it if it fell and hit the ground.

He pounded harder against the walls of the box, which were now only a few feet apart, and still closing. With one powerful burst of energy, he threw himself against the wall, and felt it topple into a free-fall off the desk. It fell, spinning for a second or two, and Nathan put a wind shield around himself before it smacked against the ground with a loud 'clack!' In a moment, Nathan heard a creak, the lid of the box opened up, and the bright light engulfed him once again.

As Nathan picked himself up off the ground and got his bearing, he saw that Page was standing next to his desk with the box in hand, smiling. “Well done, Nathan. You’ve completed your invitation. I’ll inscribe the box and send it back. All you need to do now is prepare for the tournament,” his master explained. He closed the box and turned to walk out of the room. “Now go enjoy yourself, you’ve earned it.”



“Amazing!” Stella said, once Nathan had finished telling the story. “That sounds like a very special box.”

“It was. And I never would have gotten out, had it not been for my master,” Nathan said.

Stella sighed. “It sounds like you have a very caring and attentive mentor.” She sat down on a patch of moss.

Nathan moved over and sat down next to her. “He is good to me. Is your mentor very good?”

“Well, he’s a renowned mage. But he’s not the best mentor.”

“Ah, I see. Is he not giving you the challenge you need?” Nathan inquired. “If you don’t mind the question.”

“Well . . . no, he isn’t. He’s . . . not a good mentor.” Stella rested her chin on her knees.

Nathan nodded. “That’s not good. Not good at all.”

Stella’s voice cracked a little bit. “He . . . he only trains me because he likes my body. And he wants to be close to my parents.”

“Are your parents important?”

“They’re Elisum and Diana Cyan. High Shaman and High Sorceress of the Grand High Mage Council.” Stella didn’t say the titles with as much respect as she maybe should have.

“Ah, and he wants to get close to them?” Nathan asked.

“Yes. And he tries to be romantic with me . . . he . . . he’s touched me . . . in places he shouldn’t,” Stella said, crying now.

Nathan gasped. “That . . . that . . .” he couldn’t think of a word insulting enough. “Oh my lord, Stella, have you told anyone? That is a crime against many laws!”

Stella cried into her knees. “I can’t. I’ll never become a mage if I don’t get proper training for the tournament.”

Nathan put an arm around her shoulders. “Stella, I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” he said in his most gentle voice.

Stella leaned on Nathan’s shoulder. “I hate him so much. But someone has to help me prepare for the tournament.”

Nathan sat with Stella until she had cried herself out. Then he moved to sit in front of her. She looked up at him, her long black hair falling down over her shoulders. Nathan was struck by how beautiful she was.

“Listen, have you told your parents that you want to train with someone else?” Nathan asked.

Stella nodded. “Yes.”

“Good. Tell them you found someone. Meet me here at these ruins, every dawn and dusk. I’ll bring my mentor, and you can train with us. I promise he’ll say yes.”

Stella gasped. “Are you sure? Is that allowed?”

“As long as you’re being trained by a mage, it’s fine. I know. So tomorrow, dawn and dusk, meet us here. I promise everything will be fine,” Nathan said. He stood up to leave, but Stella grabbed and hugged him.

“Thank you so much,” she said into his shoulder. “Thank you.”

Nathan hugged back lightly. “Don’t thank me until the festival. You’ll be well prepared for the tournament.” He bowed his head to Stella, which she returned, and he turned to leave. Before he was away from the ruins, he heard the water lift out of the moss again, and smiled. Stella was a quick learner indeed.
Last edited by HIGHWHITESOCKS on Sat Jan 01, 2011 1:20 am, edited 4 times in total.
Would you kindly?




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her mentor, Jonah Caleb commended

her mentor, Jonah Caleb, commended

parents’ house

parent's house (since it is their house and they own it, making it an apostrophe s)

“That’s because he wants to be close to you and father!

Father. talk about the feelings associated with this realization. How does she say it? Is she quiet, not wanting to hurt her parents by telling them this? Is she angry and filled with rage?

Overall, try to interpret more personal feeling into your story. How are the parents feeling while their daughter is telling them of Jonah's unwanted advances? Try to say more than '___ sighs' or '___ tears up'... what's the true, raw emotion they're feeling while listening to their daughter struggle to communicate with them?

Try to put spaces between dialogue- it's a little hard to read it when it's all one big clumpy.

What riddle? What's the secret? Oooh, cliffhanger! XD

I love the character of Nathan, especially the way you introduced him. It makes sense with the story for someone new to come along at this point, since we already have background knowledge on the others. And making Nathan the classic do-gooder/good guy is a interesting way to go.

Then he moved to sit in front of her. She looked up at him, her long black hair falling down over her shoulders. Nathan was struck by how beautiful she was.

Haha, classic segue from 'friends' stage into 'possible-love-interest-hey-you're-cute' stage. Good job!

I love your story! It was well written and definately thought out; the reader can tell you put a lot of effort into it. I can't wait for the next chapter!

Bravo! Brava!

Taylor :pirate3:
~formerly Ilovebubbles123

"There's only one thing
to do
three words
for you.
Ooh, I love you.

There's only one way
to say
those three words
that's what I'll do.
Ooh, I love you. "

For you.




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Haha, thank you again bubbles! And just for the record, if something is owned by more than one person, I believe it's the "s" then apostrophe.
Ex: the boy's room (single) VS the boys' room (multiple)
At least that's what I was taught, haha.

Anyway, I'll have another twice-over on the next chapter, and I should be posting it soon. Hope you'll be there to review it! haha, it's always nice and fun to hear from you (:

- SOCKS
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Hello, AllyGrLxOx here again to review! :D
I don't have alot of nitpicks!

This is wonderful, you're story has captivated me and I must know what happens next!
I love the way you've introduced Stella, I believe that you did a much better job introducing her than Celia.

I do believe however that you need to add more peril to Nathan's riddle (when he's locked in the box). I think that it should be drawn out more so that the reader can be grasping on to Nathan's everyword as he's trying to claw his way out of the box.

He touched my arms . . . and he’s helping me coax the magic out. I can feel it . . .

Thought's should be in italics.

Also make Stella's mentor seem more sleezy when he and Stella are training. Up until she was inside her house requesting a new mentor I was envisioning Stella as a spoiled brat who didn't want to learn.

If you can help to show how unjust Stella's mentor is to her while they're training then the reader's will better interpret Stella.

Once Stella was finished outpouring loudly, she began tearing up.

Like ILoveBubbles123 said, try and change "tearing up" to something more moving.

Well that's all I really spotted! :D

Your story just keep's getting better and better! Keep up the good work!

Any questions?
Feel free to PM me(:
HEY YOU!
Yeah you! :D

You should check out my latest novel "Part of the Night!"
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/novel.php?id=877
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I'm liking this, and I'm interessed to see where it goes, because in all honesty it has a very interesting plot. so far we havn't seen the conflict, so it could be anything; be sure to make it something good that knocks us off our feet! anyways, I think your character development is good, and your style is nice, but the dialogue could use some work. like I said before, whether you go for the midieval style speech is up to you, but still try and make it more fluid. some of the exchanges between nathan and stella were a little awkward if you say them out loud. keep working on this, and I'll review them as the come out. your good friend,
---Psudiname
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Chapter Two
Stellalune

Stellalune Cyan cast another fireball at the lantern, making it flare brighter. It was even faster than the last one.

“Very good work,” her mentor, Jonah Caleb commended. “Your fireballs burn with the same intensity as your passion for magic.” He gave her a wink and a grin. "Very hot. In several ways."

He extended his hand to touch her shoulder, but she pulled away and conjured another fireball. “Would you like to see just how hot they are?” She asked in a stinging voice.

He stepped back, but chuckled as if she was just being difficult. “No. I’d actually prefer to see those ice bolts putting out those lanterns like I showed you,” he ordered. “So let’s see it, Stella.”

“Yeah, I bet you know a lot about cold, don’t you?” She flung four ice bolts at the lanterns, putting out each of them.

“Very good, very good. You work well with your hands." Caleb winked at her again, and she shuddered as she thought of the image of his implication.

"Bring out your wand, let's see you work with the tree." Caleb nodded in the direction of the willow that the lanterns hung from.

Stella took out her purple wand with a jerk of her arm, and aimed it at a very leafy branch. As she began twirling it, a wind swirled out of the tip, blowing the leaves every which way. She plucked several leaves from the branch, and the wind danced around the yard with them. She swirled them around herself, then around Caleb, making sure to drag them roughly across his face. He grinned, obviously amused by her show of annoyance.

After twirling the leaves around for a moment longer, she let them drop and put her wand away. "How was that?" She spat out the words with a frown at her mentor.

He took a few steps closer to her. "Very good. One thing though, when you conjure your fireballs, it works much beter better for control if you hold your arms like this." Caleb gingerly gripped her forearms and slowly moved them so that they were a few inches apart, with her palms facing each other.

As he grinned and slowly firmed his grip, she jerked her arms away and stepped back. "Okay, I get it. I'll try harder next time." Stella looked at him and adjusted the short sleeves of her robe with frustration. She turned to walk away, but Caleb followed her to the back door of the house.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Stella," he said over her shoulder.

Stella shot him an angry look from her electric blue eyes and stormed inside. She took a few pieces of bread in a cloth bag and tromped down the road towards her parents’ house. Anything to avoid spending another night in a house with Caleb.

Once she made it to her parents’ house, she knocked on the door, and it was answered by her father.

“Well, good evening Stella.” Her father smiled as her saw her.

“May I come in?” She asked.
“Of course, honey.” He laid a strong hand on her shoulder and walked her inside. Is there any way you can give some quick description of her father from his appearance at the doorway?
Once Stella had entered the sitting room, she walked over to a straw mattress and sat down next to her mother, who was floating a small ball of light between her hands. Even in her motion of sitting, her father could tell she was deflated.

When her mother saw her sit down, she dispelled the ball of light and draped an arm around her daughter’s shoulder. “Good to see you, Stella,” she said warmly. It had been a few days since Stella had visited them, so they were both happy to see her.

“Hello, mother.” She said halfheartedly.

“Is something wrong?”

“It’s Caleb.” Stella leaned her head against her mother’s shoulder.

“What is it about your mentor?” Stella’s father asked.

“I hate him! He always tries to be romantic I don’t think a girl would call what he was doing ‘romantic’. it would be a more negative term. He was coming on to her. He was being suggestive and inappropriate. with me, and he always goes easy on me because I’m ‘the daughter of Elisum and Diana Cyan, and already have much talent!’ He doesn’t want to give me the best training I can get, he only continues training me because he wants to get respect from you, and he likes my bodythis last comment felt a little odd. I don‘t think anyone would say something like this, let alone in front of their parents. .” Once Stella was finished outpouring loudly, the salty tears began to form on her eyes. A few drips escaped, but she refused to cry out in front of her parents.

Diana kissed Stella on the top of her head. “Stella, dear, I’m sorry that you don’t like your mentor.” In the back of her mind, she was dreading hearing this again. This wouldn't have been the first time Stella had expressed discomfort toward Caleb.

“Has he done anything to you, Stella?” Elisum asked, taking a seat across from them. He had heard these complaints before as well, but a while back, and he had begun to believe that there was something deeper to his daughter's distress.

Stella wiped her eyes. “No. No he hasn’t. But he always tries to be close to me.”

Diana held her daughter gently. “Well, Jonah Caleb is a very renowned mage of this area. He was very anxious to work with you.”

“That’s because he wants to be close to you and father!" Stella's eyes widened, her fists clenched, and she stretched herself upright to full sitting height. She wasn't happy that her mother wasn't coming over to her side so easily. "And I believe he also wants to court me once my training is finished. Mother, I know he’s a renowned mage, but I’m begging you, could you please find me a new mentor?” Stella looked up at her mother pleadingly.

Diana sighed. She was having difficulty communicating her point to her daughter without coming across as defensive of Caleb or uncaring about her. “It’s not that simple. Finding a mentor is a very thorough is thorough the right word? It seems like it doesn’t fit. Difficult, or maybe time-consuming. process. It can take several days, at the least. So even if we begin to look for a new mentor, it would take a while.”

Elisum leaned back in his chair, his eyebrows furrowing to a thoughtful frown how can his eyebrows frown? X) . “Well, if she’s that unhappy with Jonah, then I don’t think she should have to deal with him anymore.”

“The tournament is fast approaching, Elisum,” Diana reminded him. “She needs someone to help her prepare. What do you propose we do?”

Elisum left the room for a moment and returned with a wooden box. “Her invitation was delivered today. I’d say, I say we let her make work of it, then we’ll find someone to work you’re using ‘work’ twice in the same sentence. . Someone to train her, someone to tutor her, someone to help her, just try something else. with her afterwards until the festival. The tournament is in a few days anyway, it's not as if we're dropping Caleb.”

Stella lept to her feat, a new vigor in her eyes. “Really? Oh thank you! Thank you so much!” She hugged both of her parents. “I promise I’ll return this as soon as possible, then I’ll find someone to work with!” Stella took the box and hurried to her room that her parents kept for her. Why is she still elated? Her dad said that they weren’t getting rid of Caleb. Wasn’t the whole argument over having Caleb moved away from her?
Diana walked over and sat on her husband’s lap. “You know, she has incredible potential.” She leaned her head against Elisum’s shoulder.

Elisum kissed his wife’s cheek. “She deserves the best we can give her. I really think she needs someone who will challenge her to her full powers. I’ll be honest, I’ve watched Jonah teach her, and I don’t believe he’s giving her the proper respect and challenge a mentor should.”

“Well, hopefully she’ll solve her riddle soon, and then she can find someone to help her prepare for the festival,” Diana agreed.


It took three days of heavy thought, but Stella finally solved the riddle of the question she had been given. She opened her box, took the lantern that was inside, and was instructed to light it. But this lantern was no ordinary lantern, for no matter how large of a fire Stella could conjure, it would not ignite.

She tried for several hours, with no success. Then, acting on a whim, she doused the wick in water, and tried again. It lit beautifully, and she was able to return her invitation. I don’t really get how this worked, or what her first riddle was in the first place.
After giving it to her parents to mail back how old is she? I was under the impression she was in her late teens, meaning she should be old enough to mail her own letters x) , she dressed in her best night blue robe, brushed her long black hair, and left her house, walking along the road that led to and through the market. It was early in the morning, and the sky was gray before the sun would come up. She passed through the nearly deserted market, walked down another road, and came to a ruined old house. She decided to stop for a while and practice her magic. Her parents were right; she did need to prepare for the tournament.

She set her sights on a moss-covered rock, and tried to pull the water out of the moss. All she could manage to do was make it steam. She tried several times, making a clear motion with her hands, but the moss seemed to be protecting its water from her especially.

“You’ve got the right idea, but your form could use a little work,” said a voice from behind her.

She spun around and threw a fireball at the source of the voice, but the boy caught it without any trouble. “Well, your fire skills are very impressive,” he said, dispelling the ball.

Stella relaxed her stance. “Well, do you believe that you can do much better?” She countered.

The boy adjusted the sleeves of his robe and stepped up to where she stood. He took a stance, waved his hands, and slowly lifted the water out of the moss. Stella’s eye widened as he swirled it around in a ring, compressed it into a ball, and froze and unfroze it before returning it to the moss.

“Oh my . . .” Stella gasped. “That was . . .”

“Impressive?” He grinned. “Now you try it again. I hope you were paying attention to me.”

Stella locked her eyes on the rock again, and waved her hands. Still all she could produce was steam.

“That’s better, but still, your movements are a little rough.” He stepped up behind her and moved her forearms slightly closer together. Oddly, it didn’t feel strange or bad, the way it had when Caleb had done it, so she allowed it.

“Try it now.”

Stella looked at the rock again, and moved her hands the same way she had before. She managed to raise more steam, but still just steam.

He touched my arms . . . and he’s helping me coax the magic out. I can feel it . . .

“Almost, you’re really close,” he said. She kept trying to raise steam again, hoping he would move her arms again. It worked; he stepped up behind her and held her forearms again.

“Move your arms like this.” He moved her arms in a figure-eight motion. “And make sure you wave your fingers as well; the magic comes out through your fingers. Now, take it easy, concentrate, and pull the water.” He stepped back to give her room.

Stella tried again, just as the boy had shown her, and with intense concentration, she lifted the water out of the moss. From there, it was easy to swirl it around, freeze and unfreeze it, and compress it into a ball. After a minute or two of floating the water around, she let it drop back into the moss.

The boy grinned. “You’re a very quick learner. You’ll make a great mage one day.”

Stella turned to him and bowed her head. “Thank you. My name is Stella.”

“I’m Nathan. I’m glad I could help you.” Yup, I guessed this.
“You’re a very good teacher, Nathan.”

“Ha, well, I suppose. I’m still an apprentice as well,” he said modestly.

“Well, you’re a very advanced apprentice,” Stella said.

“I’m going to be competing in the tournament coming up,” Nathan told her. “Are you?”

“Yes, I just returned my invitation today.”

“I did as well. My riddle was outlandish.” Nathan laughed as he remembered. “I was worried that I was going to die.”

Stella gasped. “Oh my! What was your riddle?”

Nathan sat down up against one of the walls of the house, nearly crumbled and worn all the way to the ground, like all of them. “Well, it’s a very peculiar story.”


After the box closed, Nathan looked around frantically I love how you transition into this scene from the one with Stella. . The torches lining the walls enabled him to see, but there didn’t seem to be anything worth looking for, until he saw the carved message on one of the walls. It read: get out of the box.

Nathan sat down and pondered how to get out of the box when you left us with the cliffhanger, Nathan seemed very frantic. Now, he seems calm.. He was there for what felt like several hours I‘m surprised that he didn‘t try a few experiments in these hours. I would be running around and testing the walls with fireballs and whatnot. . Then he decided to try blasting out. But no amount of fire, ice, or wind could break the strong barrier.

He then tried to climb up the wall and lift the lid of the box open. He managed to climb the wooden wall how? Were there footholds? There had to be; it‘s pretty much impossible to climb a smooth wall. Unless you were a spider. , but the lid was far too heavy to lift. It felt as if some invisible force were holding it shut.

Nathan sat down again, in the light of the torches, and thought some more. Unbeknownst to him, the several hours turned into a day, and then another half a day. Nathan knew that if he didn’t think of something, he wouldn’t be able to return his invitation in time. He might not even be able to get out of his invitation.

He took some time to simply sit around and study the box Usually, this step would be done as soon as he was in this new surrounding. It doesn‘t seem natural for him to be stuck here for over a day, and then go ‘I think I‘ll have a look around‘. . The wooden walls were pleated, so they were climbable this piece of information should‘ve been said earlier, before he actually climbed the walls , but he'd already tried opening the box, and the lid was sealed tight. Just as it had been when he'd received it.

Nathan tried to put out the torches, but they simply relit again as soon as they were out. There wasn't much he could do, so he sat down and tried to think more about how to get out.

After another hour or so of thinking, his mind drifted to thoughts of the tournament. This was the greatest event known to all magi worldwide. It happened every one thousand and seven hundred days, and brought apprentice magi from all over the world together. It was an honor to receive an invitation, and those who became contenders were granted the chance to become full magi, and have the greatest power and control over magic.

Master Page had told Nathan about the tournament when he had first become an apprentice at seven years old, and was too young to compete. He remembered how he'd immediately run off playing with Page's wand and trying to cast spells he didn't know, most of them just producing dim balls of light. Page had laughed and told him that he'd be ready when he was older, and despite the many groans and whines, Nathan had believed him.

Now he was finally ready, and he was trapped in the box that had been his invitation. There didn't appear to be any way to get out without someone opening the box from the outside. Nathan walked over to one of the walls and removed a torch from its grip. He held it in one hand and played with the fire, making it grow, shrink, spit off other little tongues of flame, and he even took a piece of the flame off the torch and held it in his hand.

After a few moments, Nathan forgot about the predicament he was in, and had fun with his torch. One thing that he figured out how to do was lift the entire flame off of the torch, swirl it around in the air, and return it to the torch. It wasn't until he went to put the torch back that he noticed something odd happening.

He noticed that he didn't have to walk as far to get to the wall and put the torch back. And as he looked around, he noticed that the corners where the walls met were no longer dark. He didn't think much of it, and sat down with his back against the wall. It was strange, because he thought he felt the wall pushing against his back lightly.

Nathan stood bolt upright and looked at the wall. It was shaking . . . and moving toward him! Quickly, Nathan ran to all four walls, trying to push them back, but it only made them close faster. Nathan knew that if he didn't get out in the next several minutes, he'd be crushed by the box. He gritted his teeth and pounded on the walls, making the box vibrate violently. All the shaking gave him an idea. It was a longshot, but it was better than nothing.

Nathan conjured rock and bonded it to the sleeves of his robe. He knocked them hard against the wall of the box, making it shake and rock back and forth. He knew that he'd set the box on his desk, if his master didn't hear the rattling, he would have to hear it if it fell and hit the ground.

He pounded harder against the walls of the box, which were now only a few feet apart, and still closing. With one powerful burst of energy, he threw himself against the wall, and felt it topple into a free-fall off the desk. It fell, spinning for a second or two, and Nathan put a wind shield around himself before it smacked against the ground with a loud 'clack!' In a moment, Nathan heard a creak, the lid of the box opened up, and the bright light engulfed him once again.

As Nathan picked himself up off the ground and got his bearing, he saw that Page was standing next to his desk with the box in hand, smiling. “Well done, Nathan. You’ve completed your invitation. I’ll inscribe the box and send it back. All you need to do now is prepare for the tournament,” his master explained. He closed the box and turned to walk out of the room. “Now go enjoy yourself, you’ve earned it.”


“Amazing!” Stella said, once Nathan had finished telling the story. “That sounds like a very special box.”

“It was. And I never would have gotten out, had it not been for my master,” Nathan said.

Stella sighed. “It sounds like you have a very caring and attentive mentor.” She sat down on a patch of moss.

Nathan moved over and sat down next to her. “He is good to me. Is your mentor very good use another word besides good.“Well, he’s a renowned mage. But he’s not the best mentor.”

“Ah, I see. Is he not giving you the challenge you need?” Nathan inquired. “If you don’t mind the question.”

“Well . . . no, he isn’t. He’s . . . not a good mentor.” Stella rested her chin on her knees.

Nathan nodded. “That’s not good. Not good at all.”

Stella’s voice cracked a little bit. “He . . . he only trains me because he likes my body eh, I don‘t think this is something you tell a stranger . And he wants to be close to my parents.”

“Are your parents important?”

“They’re Elisum and Diana Cyan. High Shaman and High Sorceress of the Grand High Mage Council.” Stella didn’t say the titles with as much respect as she maybe should have.

“Ah, and he wants to get close to them?” Nathan asked.

“Yes. And he tries to be romantic with me . . . he . . . he’s touched me . . . in places he shouldn’t,” Stella said, crying now. Now why would Stella admit this to a stranger but not her parents? It doesn’t make sense to me.
Nathan gasped. “That . . . that . . .” he couldn’t think of a word insulting enough. “Oh my lord, Stella, have you told anyone? That is a crime against many laws!”

Stella cried into her knees. “I can’t. I’ll never become a mage if I don’t get proper training for the tournament.”

Nathan put an arm around her shoulders. “Stella, I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” he said in his most gentle voice.

Stella leaned on Nathan’s shoulder. “I hate him so much. But someone has to help me prepare for the tournament.”

Nathan sat with Stella until she had cried herself out. Then he moved to sit in front of her. She looked up at him, her long black hair falling down over her shoulders. Nathan was struck by how beautiful she was. Hm, another damsel in distress that he finds beautiful. I’m seeing a pattern here.
“Listen, have you told your parents that you want to train with someone else?” Nathan asked.

Stella nodded. “Yes.”

“Good. Tell them you found someone. Meet me here at these ruins, every dawn and dusk. I’ll bring my mentor, and you can train with us. I promise he’ll say yes.” Why doesn’t he just train her himself? He’s obviously helped her so far.
Stella gasped. “Are you sure? Is that allowed?”

“As long as you’re being trained by a mage, it’s fine. I know. So tomorrow, dawn and dusk, meet us here. I promise everything will be fine,” Nathan said. He stood up to leave, but Stella grabbed and hugged him.

“Thank you so much,” she said into his shoulder. “Thank you.”

Nathan hugged back lightly. “Don’t thank me until the festival. You’ll be well prepared for the tournament.” He bowed his head to Stella, which she returned, and he turned to leave. Before he was away from the ruins, he heard the water lift out of the moss again, and smiled. Stella was a quick learner indeed. How do you hear water being lifted? What kind of sound does it make?

Alright, so I like how you introduced a new character in this chapter! That part went very well. It was awesome that you took the time to introduce us to her mentor and parents and give us a good start to her character. I also liked how you went back and did the box test in the middle of the chapter. To me, it was a great transition and fit well into the story.

The main thing that bugged me about this chapter was that the character’s reactions didn’t seem quite realistic. I mean, Stella said quite a few times that she felt uncomfortable with Caleb and that he’s done stuff with her and all that, and her parents reactions are simply ‘Get through it’. I mean, I would’ve thought her mother, of all people, would fire Caleb at the first mention that he was not respecting her daughter. I feel that you want her parents to come off as caring, but what they did there is anything but looking out for her. Then you have her spilling the beans to Nathan, who is a complete stranger. That didn’t seem right either. I would feel incredible embarrassed about the whole thing, and would not want to tell that to anyone.

It felt too much like deja-vu to have Nathan comforting yet another girl that was assaulted by some pervert. He seems almost… too nice. He has to have some flaws. Nobody’s perfect. It’ll make him more interesting if we can see some of his struggles or insecurities.

I can see now how characters are starting to connect to the prologue. But it makes me wonder what all these famous, talented people are doing in the same little village. Is it just coincidence? Have they always lived there?

Your grammar’s still great, the only suggestion I have is to use a little more beauty with your words. Good vocabulary or descriptions can really amp this up.

You’re a great storyteller! I love how you’re taking your time this beginning, instead of just rushing into tons of action. It’s always smart to spend some time to simply let your audience get used to your world. You’re doing a great job.

If you have any questions/comments, you know where to find me!
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk



ah yes my boiling cheetohs
— tatteredbones