Glance

Glance

Walking: another day, another hall,
Quickly she sneaks by,
Unbeknownst to my eyes:
Of what my heart truly cries

I could turn around,
Follow her to next class,
But really, accomplish not,
The moment already past.

Every day, I seek her glance,
But never, not once, not any day;
By she goes, our eyes will never meet,
Soon I leave, not at word I say.

What I would give,
To learn to know her,
The true colors lying within,
So beautiful, I cannot infer

Soon I shall make
A word or two, to her quiet heart,
And maybe, just maybe,
My self I shall impart

This was a really nice poem, I don't really have anything for you to improve on but I would like to say that I loved the last stanza the rhyming and flow was really good well done! Keep Writing.

I really was touched by you in this poem. I think there are some minor errors but I don't care, this poem was very authentic, true, and honest. That's all it needed for me. As long as you're writing like this you're on the right track. And I'm sorry for your unreturned love.

Great piece of writing that you have made and that is fantastic what you have done with it. I loved the piece and it touched my heart so deep that I thought I would cry. Same for me as that guy. 70 points for your overall story and performance.

Nice poem. It flowed well. Keep writing!

pharnack wrote:Walking: another day, another hall,
Quickly she sneaks by,
Unbeknownst to my eyes:
Of what my heart truly cries.

I am not sure whether I like the colons there or not, but it does affect how the reader perceives the poem.

pharnack wrote:I could turn around,
Follow her to next class,
But really, accomplish not,
The moment already past.

This stanza broke up the rhythm and essence I gathered from the previous stanza. Honestly, you could probably do without it entirely, or revise it to make it sound less awkward.

pharnack wrote:Every day, I seek her glance,
But never, not once, not any day;
By she goes, our eyes will never meet,
Soon I leave, not at word I say.

The second line in this stanza doesn't make much sense, but I adore it. Saying it out loud and reading it in my mind reminds me of something the Mad Hatter would say.

pharnack wrote:What I would give,
To learn and to know her,
The true colors lying within,
So beautiful, I cannot infer.

The only thing about this stanza is the last line, it is kind of awkward, but I understand where you are going with it.

pharnack wrote:Soon I shall make
A word or two, to her quiet heart,
And maybe, just maybe,
My self I shall impart.

This stanza is my favourite out of all of them. The way you have worded and phrased things is simply fantastic!

Overall, I thought the poem was sweet. It really speaks of that innocent, young love and fear of making the first move. Great job and happy writing!

thanks everyone for your input!

Lunasol21, thanks for your stanza by stanza breakdown. I will definitely utilize your suggestions!

Hi,

I think you started off with the poem very effectively but then the flow had an upside down, for me at least.

I understand what you mean with this stanza however I believe you could improve it more. You talk about a moment but you don't describe it thoroughly thus as a reader I tend to feel less involved.

I could turn around,
Follow her to next class,
But really, accomplish not,
The moment already past.

The flow in the stanza below could be improved and as I previously said I think (although it's just up to you) you should tell us something about the glance, what is it that makes it so special?

Every day, I seek her glance,
But never, not once, not any day;
By she goes, our eyes will never meet,
Soon I leave, not at word I say.

I kind of like this stanza:

What I would give,
To learn to know her,
The true colors lying within,
So beautiful, I cannot infer

I really like the last stanza ... good resolution

Soon I shall make
A word or two, to her quiet heart,
And maybe, just maybe,
My self I shall impart

Overall it's a nice poem but you could definitely improve it