Half Winter (chapter 1)

The family was new to the foster system, it was easy to see. They were still filled with smiles, warmth, and the hope of finding a new addition to their family. I could tell they were doing it more for their image benefits then cash benefits.
The décor of their Victorian house carried the reoccurring theme of cedar wood and floral patterns. Picture windows were placed along the walls where most people would place paintings, but it wasn’t obnoxious, it was beautiful for it out looked the snow covered woods that surrounded the house. I was studying one, when the youngest member of this family bounded over-braids bouncing with every step- and introduced herself.
“Hi Drina, I’m Melody!” she stuck out her hand, expecting me to shake it.
“Hello,” I replied coldly and had to hold my tongue so I wouldn’t correct her. My true name is Deirdra but it would be dangerous to tell a human my name. Though name commands don’t affect me while I’m human it will be winter soon and I will be immortal once again.
Melody’s arm finally started to retract and her bright smile seemed to droop a little, but surprisingly her voice didn’t waver or show any difference in emotion. “Well Drina,” she started, “I’ll take you to your room. Trust me, you’ll love it!”
I watched Melody as she skipped over to the staircase. I was guessing she was around nine or ten. I haven’t been roomed with a little girl this perky since I was younger. I was confused on what made her have such a positive attitude; humans were so confusing.
I followed her up the carpeted staircase taking note of the perfectly level family pictures lining the walls. No wonder Melody seemed so excited I was here, she was an only child. In most of the pictures she was wearing her hair in the same braids she was wearing now with little bows keeping them in place. I guess that was her signature look, like mine was ripped, worn out jeans and skin tight T-shirts.
When I reached the top of the staircase Melody motioned for me to come to her. I did and she presented a cedar door with a glass doorknob. “This is your room,” she said excitedly.
I nodded as if that statement interested me. She watched me for several seconds before I realized she wanted me to open the door. I sighed and turned the glass doorknob and walked into the room.
It carried a new theme that was very different from the rest of the house. The walls were made of the same cedar wood, but the furniture was made of darker wood. The bed spread was a light blue and had white laced sides. A chest lay at the end of the bed and had a beautiful forest scene carved into the wood. A desk and chair were snuggled in the corned next to a set of French doors that lead to a balcony. A dresser was put on the other side of the room with an oval shaped mirror above it.
“Do you like it?” Melody asked. “I picked out the furniture.”
“It’s . . . great,” I said. I was still captured by the beauty of the forest on the other side of those French doors. The snow glistened and reminded me of something that my human mind couldn’t quite calculate.
“Well I’ll let you unpack while I check on dinner. I hope you like stir fry!” she sang and disappeared.
“Finally,” I breathed. The farther I was from the ignorance of the human world, the better I was.
I am not human, well completely anyway. My father was a winter faery and my mother was a human. No, they didn’t fall in love; I was just a . . . mistake. And, being the mistake as I was, I not only killed my mother during birth by freezing her to the bone, but I disgraced my father in our tribe.
Since I was such a disgrace I was cursed that if I didn’t harvest a summer fey’s power by my nineteenth winter solstice I would be frozen by the very power that once coursed through me; ending my life. I change into a fey on each winter solstice and back human on each spring equinox; living most of the year as a mere human.

I found my bags next to the bed. I started unpacking my clothes and put them in the two empty drawers on the top of the dresser. After I finished I placed my two favorite books I stole from one of the other foster homes I was at and place them on the desk. The rest could wait for later. I sat on the bed and ran my hand back and forth across the comforter for a while savoring the sweet moment of silence and peace when I heard a faint knock on the door.
“Drina,” Melody called, “dinner’s ready.”

This chapter is very interesting where did you get your ideas?

Hey there, Tpak!

I didn't like your opener, it was blunt and you dove straight into description of a Victorian house. When you open up a chapter you want to be sure that it gets the readers attention and pulls them into the story. I know you can think of something better, shake that brain a little and think about what attracts the human mind. Questions, perhaps? Little bits of interesting plot ideas? A little something that gives it a kick and pull.

I noticed a few punctuation errors and most of them were dialogue punctuation errors. I would advise you go back and review some of the comma rules and dialogue punctuation. This can make it easier to read your dialogue and writing and better writing will attract more reviewers. ^^

You also did a lot of telling than showing. Don't just tell us that your character is upset, show it to us. "His lips pressed together as a frown crawled up his lips." Something like that. Actions speak louder than words. (haha) Anyway, good luck with the rest of this!

^.^)b
-Pink

Hi! I liked it, it was nice and vivid, but maybe it wasn't the best thing for you to put first. A good thing to start a story with is action, not explanation. Make something happen first, then, when the readers are questioning why it happened, explain it. I understand, this is a tough problem to overcome, but it makes the story infinitely better. You have a great writing style, descriptive yet not too wordy, but again, it needs action, and the suggestion of plot. You don't need a whole lot of plot since this is only the first chapter, but definitely some suggestion of what the protagonist needs to do to solve the problem she's got.
Also, it all got a little fuzzy when you were talking about the whole power/summer faery thing, needs a little more description, it sounded rushed and was hard to understand upon the first reading.
And you might want to read it over a few more times for grammar/punctuation, I noticed a few spelling errors.

Again, you have a lot of skill when it comes to painting a picture in the reader's mind, but it needs to be more engaging.

The family was new to the foster system, it was easy to see.

Hmm ... as an opening sentence this catches my attention, but it feels kind of awkward. I think it might work better as: It was easy to see that this family was new to the foster system.

I could tell they were doing it more for their image benefits then the other benefits.

'Image benefits' sounds odd. Try something like "I could tell they were doing it more to benefit their image than anything else".

The décor of their Victorian house carried the reoccurring theme of cedar wood and floral patterns. Picture windows were placed along the walls where most people would place paintings, but it wasn’t obnoxious it was beautiful for it out looked the snow covered woods that surrounded the house.

I agree with PinkShearwater here; this part is slightly boring.

I was studying one when the youngest member of this family bounded over-braids bouncing with every step- and introduced herself.

The dashes break up the sentence here and make it seem very choppy and awkward. I think it would work better if you just used commas instead.

“Hi Drina, I’m Melody!” she stuck out her hand, expecting me to shake it.

The 'S' should be capitalized.

“Hello,” I replied and had to my tongue so I didn’t correct her.

I think you forgot a word here ... did you mean to say, "I replied, and had to hold my tongue so I didn't correct her"?

Melody’s arm finally started to retract and her bright smile seemed to droop a little but surprisingly her voice didn’t waver or show any difference in emotion.

I don't think 'droop' works in this context ... something like "her bright smile seemed to fade a little" might be better. Also, there should be a comma after 'little'.

I followed her up the carpeted staircase taking note of the perfectly level family pictures lining the walls.

There should be a comma after 'staircase'.

No wonder Melody seemed so excited I was here, she was an only child.

I'm 99.9% sure the comma after 'here' should be a semi-colon.

When I reached the top of the staircase Melody motioned for me to come to her.

Comma after 'staircase'.

I did and she presented a cedar door with a glass doorknob.

Comma after 'did'.

I sighed and turned the glass doorknob and walked into the room.

Too many 'and's in this sentence. Try: I sighed, turned the glass doorknob, and walked into the room.

The walls were made of the same cedar wood, but the furniture was made of darker wood.

The first 'wood' is unnecessary, since we know that cedar is a wood.

“Well I’ll let you unpack while I check on dinner. I hope you like stir fry!” she sang and disappeared.

There should be a comma after 'well'.

The farther I was from the ignorance of the mortal world, the better I was.

The repetition of 'I was' sounds awkward - you can easily fix this by eliminating the second one.

I am not mortal, well completely anyway.

The bolded section sounds kind of unprofessional. Try "I am not mortal, not completely" instead.

After my father heard of my mother’s death he came and picked me up.

Should be a comma after 'death'.

It wasn’t like he wanted to, he was forced by the chief of our tribe because just think, a little half winter faery out lose with the potential of killing every human she becomes in contact with.

This sentence just doesn't work; it isn't grammatically correct. Try rearranging it: It wasn't that he wanted to; he was forced by the chief of our tribe. They had to consider the fact that there was a little half winter faery out loose with the potential of killing every human it came into contact with.

When my father brought me back to the tribe I was switching between my faery and mortal form.

Comma after 'tribe'.

My tribe took care of me until I was five years old when the chief came to a “solution” to my little instability.

Sentence doesn't work. Try: My tribe took care of me until I was five, when the chief found a "solution" for my little instability.

He cursed me that[u] I would turn into a faery during the winter months-starting on the winter solstice-but would stay mortal for the rest of the year.

Grammatically incorrect. Try: "He cursed me, so that" instead.

He ended up begging the chief to somehow turn me so that I could be a full fey or to kill me if it wasn’t possible.

Comma after 'fey'.

The chief took this into consideration and [u]found a way that I could become a full fey.

Should be: found a way for me to become a full fey.

The addition to the curse was that I had to harvest power from a summer fey by my nineteenth year on the winter solstice; otherwise I would wither and die if I didn’t have it by then.

Should be: In addition to the curse, I had to harvest power from a summer fey by the winter solstice of my nineteenth year; if I didn't, I would wither and die.

My hope my crushed at young age.

What? This sentence doesn't make sense.

After I finished I placed my two favorite books I stole from one of the other foster homes I was at and place them on the desk.

Comma after 'finished'.

I sat on the bed and ran my hand back and forth across the comforter for a while savoring the sweet moment of silence and peace when I heard a faint knock on the door.

Comma after 'while'.

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The three main problems with this are grammar, telling rather than showing, and switching tenses. I've corrected most of the grammar issues, but here is an example of where you switch tenses ...

I watched Melody as she skipped over to the staircase. I was guessing she was around nine or ten. I haven’t been roomed with a little girl this perky since I was younger and obviously, I was confused on what made her have such a positive attitude.

The first sentence (as well as the majority of the story) is written in past tense. Then in the third sentence, you say "I haven't" where it should be "I hadn't". The story is full of switches like this; I suggest reading it over and fixing them.

PinkShearwater is right; you do a lot of telling. There are big chunks that are just you telling us all about your character's past, which is important information, but you just state one fact after another. The story is full of things like "I did this. She did this. This happened". Try showing us what is going on; it's much more interesting. Actions do speak louder than words!

Good luck!

This chapter is very interesting where did you get your ideas?

I read Wicked Lovely by Melissa Marr and Paranormalcy by Kiersten White. I started getting into the faery mode and actually rocked myself to sleep thinking of many faery stories and possiblities. I looked outside and it was full of snow covered trees that really captivated me. I always had this little idea that I had wings coming from my back and just . . . BAM! A great idea that haunted me. Also watching the cartoon version of the Swan Princess helped.

I re-wrote the chapter and I hope you like it. It took awhile and it's not much different but I hope you guys like it.

So far, I really like the storyline. It's intriguing and different. Great job on that! :) I did see quite a bit of grammatical errors, though. You might want to carefully review this or have a friend edit it for you to make sure that you don't miss anything. I have noticed that you do "tell" us a lot instead of "showing" us. I do realize that when writing in first person, it's very difficult not to tell, but try and come up with some creative ways to show us. Keep writing! :)