Look At Me

Hello there
Now this is a really good poem, I liked it. You pretty much have a good hold over your words and you phrased some so beautifully.

I’m just like a white ice cream that’s floating above blood.
But, blood is not a bad thing. It’s better than dirty mud.

I thought that was absolutely beautiful.
However, I found that repeating "Look at me" through out the poem was a bit annoying, considering the fact that it was a bit lengthy. My suggestion, and I did revise it, is that you only keep the one at the beginning and remove the rest. It sounds so much better.Now it's just a suggestion, you don't have to do that.
Keep writing and good luck!

Whisperer wrote:Look at me.
Look beyond the things that you can see.
I may be normal and fine but I ache for more.
I’m still inside my shell. I just hate things that make me sore.

This jumped out at me, this so describes so many people i know. i don't know if it's what i'm thinking off but i think it's like your scared to some out yet you really want this person to see you more than you are. you hate how people see you from the outside you want them to dig deeper and not just focus on the outside. anyway that's what i think your trying to say sorry if i got it all wrong. i think some people feel like that. But anyway this is really goo i love the poetic words and feeling going through this really good keep going.

All I can say is wow! what inspired you to write this poem? It is great!

Rawr, I come to review. ^^

I’m not active and I have four eyes sometimes.
Tell me if there’s something that I have to realize.

The first part of this doesn't match very well. It's weird so you might want to try making it flow a little more.

Actually, it might just be me but while reading this I found the last two lines of most of your stanzas hard on the flow. Unlike Ziggie, I actually liked the repetition of the 'look at me' part of this. The only difficult thing here would be the last two lines. Read them out loud and maybe you could spot the little offs in the flow overall. Like, the first two matched because of the rhyming but the last two are the ones you need to pay attention to a little more.
Keep it up, Whisper!

^.^)b
-Pink

saves spot...

Very excited to be your reviewer today!

Look at me.Tell me what you see.
I am thin.
I’m not the guy who’d always grin.I feel like you could have said something a little more powerful as your opening statements. These ones werent terrible, but they could have been better.

Look at me.
Tell me who I should be.
I’m not active and I have four eyes sometimes.I understand what you meant by saying sometimes, but I wasn't a big fan of that whole sentence. (also, sometimes doesn't rhyme well with realize.)
Tell me if there’s something that I have to realize.

Look at me.
Tell me what I’m supposed to be.
I’m lazy and rather spoiled.I really like this line, but it was ruined by the last line. First, it doesn't even rhyme, and second, Im just not a fan of how you worded it.
I’m the kind of guy you don’t want to get annoyed.

Look at me.
Look deeply inside me.
I’d say there are things there that you can appreciate.
I know there is love, and not just tons of hate.I don't like the word tons there.

Look at me.
Look beyond the things that you can see.
I may be normal and fine but I ache for more.Second half of this line is great, first half, not so much. I don't like the way you used normal and fine right after one another. It just didn't sound very good. The second half was very nice though!
I’m still inside my shell. I just hate things that make me sore.I really liked this line!

Look at me.
I believe you may not see.
I’ve only written words and not drawn pictures.
Sorry, I’m not good at that but I don’t want things to be obscure.

Now, just look at me.
I’ll write something that in your mind, you can see.
I’m just like a white ice cream that’s floating above blood.
But, blood is not a bad thing. It’s better than dirty mud.I think you did a great job closing the poem. It was thoroughly descriptive and put a picture in my head! GREAT ending!

Overall, I'd say this poem needs a little work, but don't change the ending. I just LOVED that part! One more thing is that I wish you would have gone a bit deeper into the persons physical appearance (whether it represents you or not). All you really said was that the person is thin. Not very good for mental pictures. But other than that, good job!!!

A very good description of yourself in poetic form. the poem was great but you could used more words than "look at me". Keep on writing i especially liked it.

So, I'm actually impressed with this one, Twin! Only one line bothered me:

I know there is love, and not just lots of hate.

I just feel it was an "easy" rhyme. Hehehe...*shrugs* Sorry if I couldn't help much. Really. I couldn't figure out what you'd meant in this poem. Yes, for that I fail. And that's usually pretty much I do with poetry: Point out structure. But I'd always struggled with themes. Unless, of course, I'm particularly familiar with what I was reading.

I got to a part where I thought I was understanding it, but when I got to the last part, I was seriously lost.

Anyway, the last part was a shock.

I’m just like a white ice cream that’s floating above blood.
But, blood is not a bad thing. It’s better than dirty mud.

It was a very nice metaphor, which, surprisingly and amusingly, I couldn't decipher the meaning. Oh poor me... I must be half-asleep by now. Okay, I'll drop this worthless review off.

Last thing I'll have to say:
the repetition was annoying. Sorry, but it actually was. I prefer without the "look at me" repetition. But since you've progressed with it throughout the poem, I guess it was okay, and it was just me. :p

Okay, I'm done. If I don't make sense--which I assume I am not--you know I'm just a wallpost away.

~ Twin ♥

It is a good poem. It just sent to in front of a girl and a guy, the guy forcing her to see him as he is. I hope this is what you wanted to express. The problem of accepting someone for who he or she is.
I really liked the repetition of the first verse. It kind of keeps you focused on the main "task".

The thing I liked the most was:

Whisperer wrote:I’m just like a white ice cream that’s floating above blood.
But, blood is not a bad thing. It’s better than dirty mud.

It is really well written, and just echoes through the mind and heart.
That's kind of it.
*bows before you*