I love you

This is my first story on YWS...so I hope everyone enjoys it.

As I walked down the hallowed halls of fourth floor Irvine Hall I heard music floating throughout the hall it seemed to be coming from room 414. I went to see who it was. I looked in the window. It was Will Walter and Max Lissette. They were doing math homework, goofing around, and listening to music.

"Is that Khalifa" I said gesturing to the computer that was playing the music.
"Yeah, its his new mixtape." said Max in a careless tone.
"Nice. I like it." I said with a nervous laugh "I was walking by and I heard it and thought I'd see if it was who I thought it was"
"Well, you were right." said Will.
"I better go. Sorry I interrupted." i said.
"Its okay." replied Will.
"Bye guys."
"Bye." they both said.

I couldn't help but notice Max was being more hostile than usual toward me. He barely made eye contact, and looked more bitter than ever.

When I first came to The Mercersburg Academy, Max was just another person, but a few months ago he took the liberty to make himself more than just anyone else. He messaged me on Facebook and asked for my number. At first I was freaked out, but then after texting him for a while I realized that he wasn't that bad. I started to like him. One night we hung out and "hooked up". After a number of people found out, he decided he didn't want anything to do with me. I was distraught. He assumed that I told practically all of the Junior class. When in reality, it was the people he told that were telling everyone else. Eventually I got over it, and he decided to continue to ignore me though. I still don't know why he got so uptight about it. He said he didn't want a bad reputation. I didn't buy that though.

I wondered why Max was suddenly being so irritable. Until this point, he seemed to do be doing fine ignoring me.

I continued down the hall pondering these questions that floated about my mind. As i approached the stairwell i stopped at the window just before it. I looked down at the sidewalk from four stories above it. I noticed my latest crush Liam Hunter slowly approaching the door I would come out of when i went down the stairs. I hastily made my way down, and out the door. Just ten feet from the door stood Liam, checking his phone for new texts and emails.

"Liam!" I said smiling and doing my best to look and sound surprised to see him. I walked closer to him.
"Oh, hey Emma. Bridget told me you would be here. I was just going to go up to see you." he said
"Really?" I said sweetly trying to disguise the actual shock that had given me.
"Yeah, I'd been meaning to actually say something to you for a while."

He must have noticed the look of confusion on my face when he said that. What had he been meaning to say something to me about?

"Oh, I mean....can i get your number?" he asked letting out a small giggle at my oblivious nature.
"Oh, sure...you ready? its 717-867-6149"
"Yeah, thanks" he said smiling "I'll text you"
"Okay...I'll see you later" i said smiling.

I turned and walked down the other sidewalk. as soon as i knew he wasn't around anymore i let out a burst of giggles. I was in ecstatic. This was Liam Hunter. The guy every girl in school pined for, and he asked for my number how much better could this get?

Later that night i made my way to my dorm, Swank Hall, and i heard my phone chime indicating i received a text. I pulled my new Droid from my pocket. I didn't know the number. I opened the text and read it:

-Hey Emma, its Liam. I just wanted to talk. Text me when you get this.

"eeeeeeeep!" i chirped as i read it.

I fobbed my self into the dorm and ran up the stairs to my room. My roommate and best friend Liz was sitting on her bed.
"Guess what!" i squealed.
"Liam asked you for your number and later texted you to talk." she said in monotone.
i frowned. "How did you know?"
she began speaking in monotone again "I heard you eeeeeep. the window is open."
"Oh."

I lied down and replied to Liam.

-hey tis nice to hear from you. (: how are you?

i replied. this could be the start of a beautiful friendship i thought mischievously.



I began texting and talking to Liam non-stop for weeks. One night he told me to meet him in his dorm.

I went upstairs until I got to room 302 south. There were two signs on the door one was blue and said Liam in large, obnoxious letters. The other was orange and said AJ in the same font. I knocked twice gently. Liam quickly answered the door and looked around and hurriedly said "come in". i thought it was a strange way to greet someone but i let it slide. I nervously sat down on AJ's bed since he wasn't there.
Liam walked over and sat next to me "How are you?"
"I'm good" i said with a smile "I'm glad you asked me to come".
"and I'm glad you came" he said with a smile.

He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and looked at me intently. I watched his golden brown eyes studying my green ones. His facial expression lightened and he smile a crooked half smile. I bit my lip and looked into his eyes once more. His eyes closed and he leaned closer. I let my self lean just a little closer too until our lips connected. I felt the electricity between us. A jolt ran down my spine. I felt his lips curl into a smile against mine. I smiled too.

he spoke without pulling away "this can be our little secret.".
"perfect" I said in a seductive tone. the idea of a secret teenage love affair excited me.

This time i made the move. I kissed him again with more passion this time. he kissed me back. His hands wandered upon my body. I let him do as he pleased.

later that night I walked back to dorm with Liam. He said he wanted to see me off. I looked out the door to make sure no one was around before we left. We were going to try to keep this a secret, partially because liam had an on again off again girlfriend named Melanie, and i had the recent thing with max, and i didn't need the Liam thing making it any worse.


Within the next several weeks Liam and I would meet up on fridays and saturdays, and text non stop. When we were in the dining hall and we passed each other in the halls he would steal a seductive glance, or wink at me secretively. Every time i would see him around school i would cringe at the fact that we weren't allowed to do anything. I tried my hardest to maintain my composure. Even though I hated the limitations I didn't care. Having a secret relationship was scandalous and I liked it. The sneaking around was sexy and I wouldn't want to stop it.

I sat on the senior benches with my friend Steven (a senior). I looked around and I saw Max walking toward me with haste. He looked infuriated. I had no clue what was going on.


"Liam? Are fucking kidding me?" he shouted
I grabbed his shoulders and pushed him away. "Shhhh! Be quiet!" i said "How did you know about that?"
"I saw you."

I looked at him my face stricken with confusion. How could he have seen? I made sure no one saw me or him. How could this have happened?

"Last night. You guys were walking out of his dorm together. I was walking to Swank to talk to you...but clearly that doesn't matter. "
"Wait! What?!?!!?" i said in shock "What did you see?"
"You guys were making out... intensely."
"Max...I"
"You know what? Save it." he said with anger and he stormed away toward his dorm.

What was going on? How could I not have noticed him out there? And even more importantly, why was he coming to talk to me?

I called Liam. He didn't answer.
"Liam, we need to talk ASAP. Call me, or text me and tell me to meet you somewhere. Its really important."

Later that day Liam called me and we talked. We decided to put us on hold until I find out what was going on with Max. I walked Max's dorm and knocked on his window like I used to when we were hooking up. He opened up the window and i climbed in. I saw his alarm clack that was always set to go off at 6:00 so he wouldn't miss dinner. He was so silly. The song the alarm played was "Only One" by Yellowcard because thats what i set it to weeks and weeks ago. suddenly when i looked at him the mood harshened. I looked at him with intense sadness and questioning displayed on my face. "Whats going on with you Max?"
"I......I....." he stumbled over his words.
"Max...you can say it."
"I....I....I love you Emma." he said breathlessly
"Max..."
"No, really. I've been trying to deny it by ignoring you, and being an asshole to you." he said "Then...that day in Irvine when I saw you it hit me. I couldn't deny it anymore. I love you. I hated it. Once I had settled with it I came to pour my heart out to you, and then i saw you with him..."

It suddenly hit me. I was wrong. I wasn't over Max. I convinced myself that i was so that i wouldn't hurt anymore. Even with Liam I was still trying to get over max. I thought by having someone new it would help, but it didn't. I was merely lusting for Liam...but I loved Max.

I looked up at him in the dim light. I stared into his blue eyes as mine welled up with salty tears.
"I love you too." i said as a single tear rolled down my cheek.

He wiped that single tear away. He kissed me sweetly and gently as the chorus to "Only One" flooded the room. I let more tears roll down my face, and kissed him back with more emotion that i'd ever kissed anyone with.
"I love you Emma"
"I love you too...so so much."

That was cute. I liked it.. I mean not like little-kid cute.... but I think you get it. It was a very good storyline, I just wanted to ask is that it? Because you left Liam out of the picture when they are exchanging their, "I love you"s at the end, so are they, Emma and Liam, over? And if yes you should include that.
I think you picked a topic that so many girls face (or guys) when they feel they have found, "The One," and it turns out they love someone else, while dating the other person.
Grammar wise, you used "i" a lot, lowercase, so you should scan over it before posting.

I am not sure if this makes any sense, but I hope it helps you out.

Hello there.

As I walked down the hallowed halls of fourth floor Irvine Hall I heard music floating throughout the hall Period. It seemed to be coming from room 414.

"Is that Khalifa?" I asked, gesturing to the computer that was playing the music.
"Yeah, its his new mix-tape," said Max in a careless tone.
"Nice. I like itcomma" I said with a nervous laughperiod. "I was walking by and I heard it and thought I'd see if it was who I thought it was"
"Well, you were right comma" said Will.
"I better go. Sorry I interrupted comma" I said.
"Its okay comma" replied Will.
"Bye guys."
"Bye comma" they both said.

After the dialogue, there should be a comma, to make the transition. I did this part, but I won't do the others. Just make sure to revise that.

One night we hung out and "hooked up".

What is it with the quotation mark? Tell us what you mean by hooking up. Or if you want to, just insinuate, but we, as readers, want more details. Don't let us assume.

I still didn't know why he got so uptight about it. He said he didn't want a bad reputation comma I didn't buy that though.

As I approached the stairwell comma I stopped at the window just before it. I looked down at the sidewalk from four stories above it and I noticed my latest crush comma Liam Hunter comma slowly approaching the door just outside the staircase. The one I would have to go through to ho outside. I would come out of when went down the stairs. I hastily made my way down, and out the door. Just ten feet from the door stood Liam, checking his phone for new texts and emails.

I rephrased a sentence because it was confusing.

"Oh, I mean....can I get your number?" He asked comma letting out a small giggle at my oblivious nature.
"Oh, sure...You ready? Its 717-867-6149period."
"Yeah, thankscomma" he said comma smilingperiod. "I'll text you period."
"Okay...I'll see you later" I said comma smiling back..

Giggle? It seems a little childish for a teenager... Maybe try chuckled? Or even snickered.

I turned and walked down the other sidewalk and as soon as I knew he wasn't around anymore comma I let out a burst of laughter. I was in ecstatic. This was Liam Hunter comma the guy every girl in school pined for, and he asked for my number period. How much better could this get?

Later that night I made my way to my dorm, Swank Hall This is unnecessary, and I heard my phone chime comma indicating I had received a text. I pulled my new Droid from my pocket but I didn't recognize the number. I opened the text and read it:

-Hey Emma, its Liam. I just wanted to talk. Text me when you get this. Italics makes it better to understand it's not part of the narration.

"Eeeeeeeep!" I chirped as I read it.

I fobbed Not sure what you meant by this...myself into the dorm and ran up the stairs to my room. My roommate and best friend comma Liz was sitting on her bed.
"Guess what!" I squealed.
"Liam asked you for your number and later he texted you to talk." she said in a monotone voice.
I frowned. "How did you know?"
She began speaking in again Her voice had still no happy, nor sad tone. Just blank. "I heard you eeeeeep. the window is open."
"Oh."

I lied down and replied to Liam.

-hey tis nice to hear from you. (: how are you?

I replied. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship comma I thought mischievously.
*****************

I began texting and talking to Liam non-stop for weeks. One night he told me to meet him in his dorm.

I went upstairs until I got to room 302 south. There were two signs on the door one was blue and said Liam in large, obnoxious letters. The other was orange and said AJ in the same font. I knocked twice comma gently. Liam quickly answered the door and looked around and hurriedly said comma "come in". I thought it was a strange way to greet someone but I let it slide. I nervously sat down on AJ's bed since he wasn't there.
Liam walked over and sat next to me "How are you?"
"I'm good" I said with a smile comma "I'm glad you asked me to come".
"and I'm glad you came" he said with a smile. repeating "with a smile" doesn't do anything. Try to re-word it.

He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and looked at me intently. I watched his golden brown eyes studying my green ones. His facial expression lightened and he smile a crooked half smile. I bit my lip and looked into his eyes once more. His eyes closed and he leaned closer. I let myself lean just a little closer too comma until our lips connected. I felt the electricity between us. A jolt ran down my spine as I felt his lips curl into a smile against mine. I smiled too.

He spoke without pulling away comma "this can be our little secret."
"perfect" I said in a seductive tone. The idea of a secret teenage love affair excited me.

This time I made the move. I kissed him again with more passion this time and he kissed me back. His hands wandered upon my body. I let him do as he pleased.

Later that night comma I walked back to dorm with Liam. He said he wanted to see me off. I looked out the door to make sure no one was around before we left. We were going to try to keep this a secret, partially because Liam had an on again off again girlfriend named Melanie, and I had the recent thing with Max, and I didn't need the Liam thing making it any worse.
***********


Within the next several weeks Liam and I would meet up on Friday's and Saturday's, and text non stop. When we were in the dining hall and we passed each other in the halls comma he would steal a seductive glance, or wink at me secretively. Every time I would see him around school comma I would cringe at the fact that we weren't allowed to do anything. I tried my hardest to maintain my composure comma even though I hated the limitations comma I didn't care. Having a secret relationship was scandalous and I liked it. The sneaking around was sexy and I wouldn't want to stop it.

I sat on the senior benches with my friend Steven (a senior). I looked around and I saw Max walking toward me with haste. He looked infuriated. I had no clue what was going on.


"Liam? Are fucking kidding me?" he shouted
I grabbed his shoulders and pushed him away. "Shhhh! Be quiet!" I said "How did you know about that?"
"I saw you."

I looked at him comma my face stricken with confusion. How could he have seen? I made sure no one saw me with him. How could this have happened?

"Last night. You guys were walking out of his dorm together. I was walking to Swank to talk to you...but clearly that doesn't matter. "
"Wait! What? Only one punctuation would do." I said in shock "What did you see?"
"You guys were making out... intensely."
"Max...I"
"You know what? Save it." he said angrily and he stormed away toward his dorm.

What was going on? How could I not have noticed him out there? And even more importantly, why did he want was he coming to talk to me?

I called Liam. He didn't answer.
"Liam, we need to talk ASAP. Call me, or text me and tell me to meet you somewhere. Its really important."

Later that day Liam called me and we talked. We decided to put us on hold until I find out what was going on with Max. I walked to Max's dorm and knocked on his window like I used to when we were hooking up. He opened up the window and I climbed in. I saw his alarm clock that was always set to go off at 6:00 so he wouldn't miss dinner. He was so silly. The song the alarm played was "Only One" by Yellowcard because that's what I set it to weeks and weeks ago. Suddenly when I looked at him comma the mood hardened. I looked at him with intense sadness and questioning displayed clearly on my face. "Whats going on with you Max?"
"I...I..." he stumbled over his words.
"Max...you can say it."
"I....I....I love you Emma." he said breathlessly period.
"Max..."
"No, really. I've been trying to deny it by ignoring you, and being an asshole to you." he said period. "Then...that day in Irvine when I saw you comma it hit me. I couldn't deny it anymore. I love you. I hated it. Once I had settled with it comma I came to pour my heart out to you, and then I saw you with him..."

It suddenly hit me. I was wrong. I wasn't over Max. I convinced myself that I was so that I wouldn't hurt anymore. Even with Liam comma I was still trying to get over Max. I thought by having someone new it would help, but it didn't. I was merely lusting for Liam...but I loved Max.

I looked up at him in the dim light. I stared into his blue eyes as mine welled up with salty tears.
"I love you too." I said as a single tear rolled down my cheek.

He wiped that single tear away. He kissed me sweetly and gently as the chorus to "Only One" flooded the room. I let more tears roll down my face, and kissed him back with more emotion that I'd ever kissed anyone with.
"I love you Emma"
"I love you too...so so much."

The mistakes were rather horrible. Please review it and correct you're mistakes... It takes away from the story. Also, try to make it flow better. You should read it over, out loud, (do it alone so you don't look like a nut case. ) and whenever there should be a pause, there should also be a comma or period. What feeling are you trying to get across the the readers? If it's angry, write short, choppy sentences. If it's happy or romantic... Then they should be less sentences. I saw a couple of them that could be blended together. Look for that and change them. It makes the story flow better and seem a little bit more realistic since it's how a real person would be thinking.
I think that if you get this checked out, and correct all of those mistakes, you should be fine.

Keep writing! You can PM me if you need any more reviews.

-Other One