just Sarah:Chapter 2

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Chapter 2

Whimpering, Celia crumples beside me as we are both thrown to the ground. Bile comes rumbling up my throat, and my question about what would happen if dirt from the court yard got lodged up someone’s nose is answered. It tastes distinctly like slugs and it is most definitely not for eating.

Looking over, Celia is clutching her wrist, her face contorted with pain and a soundless tear streaks down her cheek. So many times in my life has this happened to me; someone is hurt and I must selfishly watch when I know quite well that it would take less that a moment of energy to end their suffering. They can’t know, if they do, it will mean the death of me. It’s selfish, and maybe it would be worth it to just die, to end it.

Waking me up from my self-pity was none other than the kicking guard, and apparently, he changed his mind, or so says my ribs. “In line,” he orders, I wonder, does he ever smile, or is his face just naturally scowling? Regretfully, I do as I am told, and I join a long line of orphan girls.

To be quite honest, the entire thing looks very creepy. It’s like every slave/orphan girl is in this courtyard, about seventy of us. Everyone except me has their hair up in a dirty head wrap, but other than that we all look the same. I guess we mostly resemble a large group of anorexic girls who just got out of a dirt fight in dresses that were made and sown together by drunk men, but I think that’s an understatement. We are all standing haphazardly in a line inside the courtyard. Normally, it’s such peaceful place. Birds will come to rest on the trees, flowers will line the grass and the dirt path, and people will gather to talk; but today, it’s just ominous. The summer breeze brings dark storm clouds along with its stifling humidity. Combine that with the guard patrolling all the exits, I say it’s a recipe for several emotional breakdowns.

In the center of it all is the head master; know by us just as ‘The Master’. His gray beard is trimmed close to his face and his balding head is oddly not shiny. He is dressed in a white shirt with black trousers and an impressive, emerald green robe. Behind him is a large group of middle age men who, in my opinion, all look like they are trying too hard to be impressive and are only here because they mimic The Master’s every move. The wannabes look very confused, it appears that Mr. Head Leader wannabe didn’t inform the group about what’s going on today, I hope it does them some good, they need it.

“All of you will roll up your left sleeve and allow us to inspect your arm,” he says, not even bothering with subtlety.

No one really complains, after all, they have nothing to worry about. On the other hand, my fear rebels against my grip. If I show him my arm, he will execute me on the spot; I'm too dangerous to be left alive. If I don’t, he will force me to do it anyway. I could rebel and try to get away, but that would mean killing them, I may not like them but I will not kill them.

“Your arm, now.” It looks like decision time, and mine is made.

“No.” Strike me down if you dare.

He nods to a soldier standing behind me, and without any other warning, excruciating pain ripples up my shoulder as it is nearly twisted out of its socket. I'm not trying to be some brave little mercenary here, but I just don’t want to give him any satisfaction for what he is about to find. I know I am going to die, I want it and bid the waist of a life I have good riddance. My spine shivers as the man draws his blade. I'm kneeling here for what feels like an eternity before he actually gets around to cutting off my sleeve. Ugh, why do moments like this have to take so long!

“This is it.” I say to myself, and the warm blood trickles down my arm. Every eye is on me, waiting to see what it is I am hiding; I don’t care, let them stare, they deserve to know. I can feel Celia’s eyes most of all, yearning for me to turn my head, to give her some sign that I'm okay. Oh I want to, but I have a bit too much pride for that, one look at my best friend’s face will send me and my composure crumbling down.

“Her arm, it’s black. It’s all black,” says and obnoxious seven year old in a failed whisper. At least everyone
else has the politeness to keep their mouth shut, sort of; they just let a gasp out, that’s it.

Abruptly, the agony in my arm is reduced to a painful throb and as the oh brave and valiant soldier drops it in fear of an emaciated, 14 year old girl.

I’m not stone, I know what comes next; my execution. A black arm, that means an arm with any amount of black on it, signifies a person with magic. The more black on the arm, the more magic the person has. Nowadays, most people have about 25% if their arm covered at most, if any. Mine is almost completely covered, so I can’t really blame them, if I was them, I would be afraid too. Combine all that with their fear of an orphan rebellion; I’m as good as dead.

I don’t want to look up; I can’t bear to see their faces when they see me for what I am. A tear sneaks through my tightly shut eye lids and I do my best to hold on and not fight back; I will not be remembered as the girl who was to selfish to accept that the world didn’t want her alive. I know that’s me, why would they want me? One slip up, one relaxed emotion, and they are all dead.

At that very moment, a pungent reek rushes though my nose and I struggle not to gag. It’s like some rancid blend of rotten alcohol, body odor, and mold; more than enough to wake me up to the world. Standing right in front of me, and by that I mean no less than two steps in front of my face, is by far the most disgusting, arrogant, narcissistic looking man I have ever seen in my life. Clearly not one of the wannabes; I would have noticed his stench well before now if he was, although I'm not really sure when he got here. He has absolutely no hair accept his dirty sand colored, scraggly beard. His eyes are a muddy green and he looks to be about 50, although his pruneish skin says otherwise.

Do know you what are,” he whispers to me in broken Galavarhn.

Get away from me or I will burn you where you stand.” I’m not trying to be rude, I just can’t breathe and I don’t know what he will do. He steps back, eyes widening in shock; apparently little slaves aren’t supposed to be fluent in a ‘dead’ magic language.

You be un-halting,” he states, still in shock.

Do you go to a foreign land and ask a native if they are fluent in their own tongue?” Like I said, I would rather he be frightened to death of me and leave me alone, than think he can walk right over me.

I watch mouth if you. I study years 10 in court, where you learns?”

I just smile. He can babble all he wants, I will never tell him anything; but before I could do anything, pain explodes from the back of my head.

*a/n I completely changed this chapter, actually I broke the 1st chapter into two chapters so the comment below isn't related to this. Also, the part that the 1st comment below is refering to is gone. Basicly I'm redoing that and my brain gave a massive OH MY GOSH MOMENT and now the story completely changed.*
Last edited by purpleandblue22 on Thu Feb 03, 2011 3:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
"When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often suprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers."Ralph Waldo Emerson




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Hi Blue :) Well, this has been up for a loooong time with no review, so here I am. Hopefully to help you out :) Now, the only reason why I can see people haven't been reviewing this is because of it's length (and to a lesser degree, the fact that it's Chapter 2). The only thing that counter deterring readers is shortening this chapter, either by posting it in halves (chapter 2, part 1), or actually shortening it, getting rid of unnecessary detail.

Anyway, on to my review.

‘I hurt, dead people don’t hurt. Why would they leave me alive, and what ever happened to mercy? Ok, I have got to stop talking to myself. I-’ an icy cold comes rushing over me, forcing my eyes open in shock.

Okay, obviously I haven't read the first chapter, so I'm completely in the dark here, but that's what many of your readers will find themselves in. When I am thinking of buying a book, I'll turn to a random page and read it. If it's good, I'll buy it. If it's boring or bad, I will discard it. You've got to make sure everything you write is awesome. So make the above thoughts, instead of speech.

Yea, I will admit, I was faking my last 10 minutes of unconsciousness to postpone this moment, and the ice water that I am now dripping in just ruined it.

Numerals should be spelt out, ie ten.

Take that eyes, I don’t need you!

So... what period of time is this? What genre? If it's medieval, no person would think like this.

I don’t care what they do to me, I will fight back; secrets out, time to defend it.


Looks to me like the grand old King forgot to tell the men to bring light, that or they are self conscious of their nonexistent skin aliments
.
You're trying too hard to be witty.

I thought, now I could be wrong, that it was customary to great the person then state your request.


Of course I have a problem saying this; he is my king after all. “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, speak up please, Mr.-” I say instead.

Please get your period language correct.

“I apologize, I’m King Isaac III,” he stated blandly, realizing the game I’m playing.

King Isaac the third. Realizing the game I was playing.

“I will not stand for any insolence, especially not from you Miss. Sarah,” whispers the king threateningly, but
at least he got strait to the point.

Careful with your spelling.

His eyes dart back and forth, nervous I expect, why wouldn’t he be, from my point of view, he is about to look like a fool because of a slave. If I was him, I would find a way out right about now.

If I was the King, I would behead Sarah myself. Your main character is not acting like a slave at all. The believability of your story is near non-existent.

“Dear old Kingey over here has asked me what he has done to deserve my disloyalty, and it’s time that the world knows as well. But first, I would love to know what the nobles think. Someone tell me, why am I in the life I'm in?” Silence, absolute silence. “No one? Well then I will just have to call on people. You, with the ridiculous green feather. I apologize; I would point, but THE SHACELS ARE CONSTRICTING THE BLOOD FLOW IN MY HANDS!”

Kingey? Seriously? Do you think that we readers will have any respect for you, or your characters when they sound and act stupid?

“M-m-m-m-miss, i-i-its-s the w-w-war isn’t it?”

... Would a loyal really speak like that?

“Your representative.” More laughter comes with those words, even when my ribs complain, it just keeps on
coming. He really does believe what he is saying.

Holding my aching side, I ask, “Since when do we have a representative, and what kind of failure did you hire?” and I meant every word.

A king knows all. You've written this whole story wrong.

Not to be rude, but I don’t like him.

Repetition.

Any man who stammers in fear of a 14 year old girl has no spine and deserves no respect.

A fourteen year old slave girl is standing up to the king... riiiight...

King Isaac’s POV

Oh. It's one of those stories. Be cautious. When you have two different points of view in first person, you have to be very careful. Sometimes the two characters merge and sound exactly the same. Is there really a need to tell both sides of the story in first person? In fact, I think this whole thing would be a better story if it was all entirely in Isaac's point of view.

“About your living conditions.” Please let me be right, please, please, please.

Is Isaac ten years old?

Sarah’s POV

Wow, not only is it one of those stories, the different parts are extremely short. If you look at published work, best sellers, I'm positive you won't find one with two main characters who share the story in first person views. Exceptions include Young Adult and children's stories. Is your main audience children?

“W-w-well, I n-n-need to ask you a favor,” he said, back to a stammering whisper; what is it with them, what is so scary about me that they just can’t face me with enough pride to say their words correctly.

... please. Do you know anyone who stutters when they're afraid?

“I want a new law passed.”

“Done,” he said a bit too eagerly. “Wait, what law?”

Seriously? What fantasy world is this?

Great, I just turned our leader all squeamish, all for a petty request that will take me no wheres.


“So you go through all this trouble just to put some random girl in school? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?”

... ... ... Have you actually read over all this? Read it from someone else's point of view.

1) Slave girl is insolent despite being tied up.
2) Makes demands of the King.
3) The King stutters.
4) Then she goes to school.

Do you see the problems with this storyline?

“On one condition.” I love how no one bothers to but in, all they do is turn their heads back and forth, watching our debate.

*butt

“Why, because we want you. If we had thought she would be up for this we would have picked her,” said the toad man.

How would the King know her friend was a girl if he didn't know the state of how slaves were treated? Think. Think!

“You’re a clueless, ignorant, weak orphan, what makes us think we can’t?”

“My arm. Yea, I know how to use it, and no I'm not threatening you, I am just pointing out that I will not be taken advantage of. So if I were you, I would shut my mouth and listen to this clueless, ignorant, weak orphan.” Silence; me-2 them-0.

I want every single male there to rape Sarah. And sew her mouth shut and cut off her arm. Sarah -9000, them +infinity.

I don’t like complaining, but it feels like my moment, so here comes my rant/rushed list. In an abnormal snotty noble girl’s voice: I’m hungry, I’m tired, my leg fell asleep, my ankles hurt, my wrist hurts, I don’t want to be chained to a wall, why is it so dark in here, I need to use the bathroom, my hair is messed up! I am so proud; my spare time has been put to good use; or so I thought, but Celia has entered and officially changed my mind


That is, if shouting and withering on the floor in agony counts as happy. Ooh, angry argument mode feels like it’s made a comeback!

As I said, you're being too much of a clown. We want a Storyteller, not a Court Jester.

“No, I’m done negotiating. You are going to unlock me, you are going to let my friend go with me, and you are going to apologize.” Spineless men, and ooo looks like Mr. Feather’s bladder got refilled, never mind, not anymore.

None of this story is believable in the slightest.

His jaw literally dropped.
*no cliché intended, that’s just what his mouth did*

This doesn't happen in published works.

The king on the other hand, showed absolutely no indication that he even heard me. “Your Majesty, what did I just ask you,” I say, tiring of his attitude.

This makes me so angry. I feel like Super Nanny. "Are you really going to let Sarah treat you like that, Isaac? Put her in the naughty corner and ignore her retarded squawking until she accepts her rightful place. Slaves are not to be seen, or heard."

“No.”

After a moment, “Do you want me to get you started?”

“No.”

More unnecessary clowning around.

“Wrong,” I say in a sing song voice.

Garrotted with a rusty wire.

“I'm ready,” claims the king proudly.

Again, is the King a young child?

So. My thoughts. Your story is absolute rubbish the way it is right now. Why? I'll list the reasons.

1) You try too hard to be funny, and fail every single time.
2) You have tried to turn around the ideals of the human society, but in such an unrealistic way that all I feel is contempt at your attempt. Slaves are BELOW kings. They do not speak back. No matter how much power they have in terms of magic. Any NORMAL king would not allow a slave to smart mouth him.
3) This is obviously a medieval setting, in a fantasy world, and yet your characters speak in modern day language.

Your writing is very good otherwise, minimal errors, good grammar and punctuation skills. It's just the actual style of writing you've chosen which I despise.

Please feel free to explain your choices within this story by replying directing to my review.

Keep on writing,

- Jai
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.




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hey me again!
this is actually very good, it has potential, keep writting! just watch your grammar and punctuation, you have a couple of typos there but i'm not sure if they are intentional or not.
i love the whole magic thing, but as was mentioned when this chapter was part of the first chapter; how would she know about aneorexia if she has been in this orphanage all her life?
also you had a couple of infor dumps both in the first chapter and this one, just work on that (although i can't really talk XD working on it though :p)
keep writting, i love it, i say again it has potential! definately waiting for the next chapter!!!

pm me if you want reviews

Soap :thud:
Imagination is more important than knowledge. knowledge is limited, imagination encircles the world-Albert Einstine
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience-Fool
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