Untitled - Chapter 1

Rated for some language.

This has been my brainchild since I was 8 years old. I've started writing it countless times but never really got past chapter three - until now. I've written 78 pages of this & will be posting them all (seven chapters in total). I haven't edited yet so any critiques of this are highly appreciated.

* I copied & pasted this from microsoft word, and it didn't copy the formatting for some reason, so if this is all squished together, I'm sorry. I'll fix it ASAP.

_____________________________

Chapter One

The world was drowned out in an explosion of silver bubbles.
Under the lake’s skin, all Ayra could feel was the surge of cold, her fingers clutching streaming handfuls as she plummeted down, down. She opened her eyes as she began to rise and saw sunlight shattered through the waves.
“Is it totally freezing?” Jade asked as soon as she surfaced. She was perched on a sun-baked rock, eyeing the water warily.
Ayra swam ashore and flipped her hair back, spraying her friend with glittering droplets. “Nah,” she said. “It’s perfect.” This was the best part of the final weeks of school: the fieldtrip to the lake. Not only was it a perfect opportunity to check out the male student body, but there was something about that first plunge that always managed to erase the sticky three-hour bus trip in a matter of seconds.
“’Perfect’ to you usually means ‘fucking freezing’ to everyone else,” Jade complained good-naturedly, but she let herself be pulled up to the jumping rock nonetheless. Ayra grinned and looked around, absorbing the sights of dream-blue water, dream-blue sky, and dream-tan skin. Most of the other sophomores were clustered around the shore, daring each other to wade in; a few daring individuals were treading water farther out.
“Okay, on three,” she said, clasping Jade’s hand. “One, two, th-“
“Hey! The new girl’s here!” Someone shouted from behind them. Ayra turned around in confusion – new girl? She put her hand over her eyes to shade them from the sun and squinted down the path to the cabins. Someone tall and lean was talking with Ms. Gibs, her homeroom teacher, but the glare was too bright for her to see the girl’s features.
“Since when do we have a new kid? There’s like, two weeks of school left,” Jade said irritably.
“No idea.” Ayra tugged distractedly at her red bikini. It did seem strange to have a new student in the class when the year was almost over … but since there was one, she may as well go and get a closer look. “Come on,” she said, pulling on Jade’s hand.
As they got closer, it became evident that they weren’t the only ones curious about the newcomer. Some of the guys were standing on the side of the path, sporting similar expressions of glassy-eyed appreciation (or stupidity, Ayra thought). But it wasn’t difficult to see why. The newcomer was tall, a bit taller than her, with sleek cappuccino skin and an enviable mane of mahogany curls that tumbled to her tiny waist. Her mouth was turned up, as if in amusement, and Ayra didn’t trust the expression in her smoke-grey eyes. At first glance they appeared warm, innocent; but there was something underneath … a strange mixture of contempt and deep uneasiness.
Oh, stop it, she told herself sharply. She was being ridiculous.
Ms. Gibs cleared her throat with a sound like an old truck starting up, and Ayra’s mistrust slunk to the back of her mind. “As you can see,” she started, “we have a new student in our class. She will be staying with us for the next two weeks, and continuing here in September.” Ms. Gibs turned to face the new girl, looking utterly like a toad in comparison to her. “Guinevere, did you say your name was, dear?” she croaked.
“Yes.” Ayra noticed that some of the girl’s teeth were slightly sharp as she smiled, then mentally slapped herself. Who cared if her teeth weren’t as absolutely perfect as the rest of her? She herself had a few sharp teeth; it was nothing to get worked up about.
“Hi, Guinevere,” the assembled students said in unison. Some of the boys were smiling and nudging each other. One of them, Theo, called out, “come swim with us!”
“I'm afraid I can't ... I don't have a, ah, bathing suit.” She turned to Ms. Gibs and said something Ayra couldn’t quite make out, but from the way her voice rose at the end she assumed it was a question.
“Bet the boys are disappointed,” Jade smirked.
She didn’t seem to notice anything off about Guinevere, Ayra thought, so I shouldn’t either. She pushed her long, dark hair over one shoulder and replied, “well, we can’t have that … let’s go cheer them up, shall we?”
* * *
Jade wanted to stay at the boy's cabin until late; it was almost eleven by the time they crept up the stairs to their own, trying not to make too much noise and wake their neighbours. Ayra eased open the door, wincing as it creaked loudly -
“Uh … hi,” Jade said, at the sight of Guinevere folding shirts in the corner bunk.
“Oh – sorry!” Guinevere’s eyes widened innocently. “Ms. Gibs said there was an empty bed here … I didn’t mean to intrude.”
Our cabin would be the only one with an empty bed, she thought, then swiftly regretted it. What's gotten into me? Being the new girl must suck. But what she said was: “No, no, it’s fine, really. I just hope you don’t mind if we stay up late?”
The corners of Guinevere’s seashell mouth turned up in a strange smile. “Not at all.”
Jade plopped down on her bed and started reading a battered copy of teen vogue. She tossed Ayra another magazine and asked absentmindedly, “So, where are you from?”
Ayra was often jealous of her best friend, for various reasons: 1) her shiny blonde hair, which never seemed to get tangled, 2) her extraordinary collection of Sephora makeup, and 3) the easy grace with which she recovered from awkward situations.
“Maine,” Guinevere murmured. All of her clothes seemed slightly … odd, Ayra thought. Nice, but odd nonetheless: lacy long-sleeved shirts, short velvet skirts, an assortment of white dresses.
When Ms. Gibs came by and informed them that it was time for ‘lights out’, Ayra obediently turned her headlamp off, planning to turn it on again in five minutes to continue reading her magazine. Four minutes … three minutes … two minutes … good enough, she decided, and flipped her light back on.
Guinevere’s bed was empty.
“Jade,” Ayra hissed.
“What?”
“Guinevere’s gone!”
“So?” came the sleepy reply. “She’s probably just gone to the bathroom, just relax.”
But Ayra was unconvinced. “Actually, I have to go too,” she lied. “I’ll be right back.”
“Mmkay.”
She slipped out the cabin door, careful not to let it slam shut. Where could Guinevere have gone? She waited in the shadow of a pine tree for her eyes to adjust to the dark, then quietly padded down the trail, her footfalls silenced by the thick cushions of moss. She was being paranoid and she knew it, but she couldn't shake the memory of Guinevere's strange grey gaze. Contempt and something else - discomfort? Something wasn't right about her ...
The washrooms were empty, as were the paths connecting the cabins. This is silly, Ayra thought suddenly. Jade's probably right. Maybe she just couldn’t find the bathroom and just went in the woods or something.
But she still didn’t want to go back to the cabin. She felt wide awake with the slight breeze lifting her hair, whispering over her skin. She could hear the steady lapping of wavelets on the shore and thought, maybe I’ll just go sit by the water for a while before I go in.
An owl hooted balefully in the woods behind her as she settled onto a smooth, flat rock by the water. It was still faintly warm, holding onto the heat it had absorbed during the day. She stretched luxuriously and breathed in deep lungfuls of air, relieved to finally be alone, free from the pressure of always worrying about how she looked, how she presented herself to everyone else.
That is, until she heard Guinevere’s voice, coming from a few feet away.
Not so alone, after all. Her spine fused. She drew herself slowly backwards, holding her breath as she was absorbed into the shadows. She could vaguely make out Guinevere’s tall, slim shape through a thicket of reeds. She was squatting, murmuring continuously in a low, soothing voice.
Ayra frowned. Who was she talking to?
As if in answer to her unspoken question, another shape detached itself from the gloom. At first she thought it was one of the guys … but then, the last time she had seen them, none of the guys was an animal.
And the thing Guinevere was talking to most definitely was.
It had a distinctly feline silhouette: lean and graceful, but there was something predatory in the way it advanced slowly towards the squatting girl. Ayra’s mind struggled to make sense of it. Maybe Guinevere was a hippie – it would explain the strange clothing, and maybe she was some kind of nature nut who liked talking to cats.
Big cats.
It was crouched down on the rocks a few feet away from Guinevere, whose white lace dress glowed faintly in the dimness. Her hair hung in shining coils past her knees. The cat looked wary of her, its ears flattened against its head, ready to bolt despite Guinevere’s constant soothing murmurs. Watching the scene unfold, like some strange foreign opera, Ayra suddenly felt like an outsider peering in on something she wasn’t meant to see.
But if I move, she realized with a sinking feeling, they’ll hear me.
So she stayed put. Only later did she fully realize that she never should have even left her cabin.
“There, there,” Guinevere was saying. One of her hands was outstretched towards the animal. It crept slowly closer, placing one paw in front of the other with a measured, deliberate slowness. One of its forelegs was dappled with little rosettes of moonlight, illuminating a brindled pattern of black and brown fur.
Ayra wondered uneasily what kind of cat it was; as a child, she had made it her personal obligation to study every kind of feline there was, but she had never learnt about a black-and-brown striped cat. Unless it was an alley cat - but what would it be doing here? She wondered, squinting hard.
As more and more of it was revealed, each hair tipped in silver under the moon, she knew with a kind of dreadful certainty that this wasn’t the sort of animal she would have read about in her encyclopedia.
Her first clue, after its strange pelt, was size. It was easily three, no, four times bigger than your average house cat, and strangely built: long, stilt-like legs and a bizarrely arched spine.
Her second clue was its head. A pair of shell-shaped ears were slicked back as if in submission, showing off its face to the full advantage. Ayra wasn’t so sure this was a good thing, considering it had large, flat black eyes that shone as wetly as oil spills and a horribly wide mouth stuffed full of sharp, clear teeth. She began to feel cold all over, but found she couldn’t look away.
Guinevere reached out and petted it – whatever it was. Flashes of horror movies played over and over again in Ayra’s head.
She shrank farther back into the gloom ... and a branch snagged on her shirt, audibly tearing the thin cotton.
The cat-creature’s head whipped around. Black lips pulled back, revealing more dripping, shiny teeth that reminded Ayra of the beach glass she used to collect as a child. She had never been more afraid in her life than she was then, staring through a flimsy barrier of reeds at that terrible snarling mouth, the liquid animal shine of the eyes. Her heartbeat seemed everywhere at once, in her fingertips, pounding through her skull.
Guinevere turned more slowly. Almost as if she wasn’t surprised to see Ayra crouching there like the stupid, overly curious idiot she was. A resigned sigh escaped her lips, but Ayra could barely hear it over the beating of her supercharged heart, pumping her full of adrenaline and fear.
And then everything went deathly quiet in the moment before the creature leapt through the reeds and landed square on her chest.
The air whooshed out of her lungs in a dizzying rush. Black spots exploded before her eyes like reverse fireworks, but through them she saw the creature’s head lowering, its breath hot on her face. She imagined it ripping her heart out and writhed desperately, but it was no use. So she did the only thing she could think of doing, besides squishing her eyes shut and waiting for unimaginable pain.
She punched it in the nose.
It shook its head as if to dislodge water, making an irritated noise low in its throat. But the pressure on her chest didn’t lessen. She fought for breath, wild-eyed and air-starved. And all she had done was enrage it, given it a real reason to bite her or kill her or whatever its monstrous self intended to do.
Oh, very clever, she snarled mentally. Out of nowhere, she thought sadly that now she would never get to finish her article about How To Stop A Breakout Before It Even Starts. Of all the things to think about before her death, she suddenly couldn’t stop thinking of how distinctly unfair it was that now she would never know the secrets of pimple prevention.
She looked back at the creature. It loomed over her, blocking out the stars. A drop of hot saliva fell on her cheek as it snarled.
“Oh, gross,” she said weakly. It was already going to kill her, so spitting on her, that was really just adding insult to injury, wasn’t it? She felt a hysterical laugh gathering inside her, sucking up all of her remaining oxygen. Her vision gave way to a static screen of black dots.
So she felt, rather than saw, the creature being lifted off of her. She heard an outrageously loud yowl as it flattened the reeds a few feet away. Air rushed back into her lungs, the best feeling in the world at that moment, and her vision cleared.
Now it was Guinevere who was blocking out the stars. Her large grey eyes were wild and unfocused and her teeth seemed sharper than before, narrowing to tiny points. Ayra wondered distantly how such a slender girl had ever been able to lift the creature, much less throw it.
“Get up!” she hissed. Ayra grabbed hold of her hand and Guinevere all but flung her onto her feet. “Quick, before everyone comes running to see what the commotion is!”
Ayra was shoved unceremoniously into a dense clump of reeds. “Wha-“
“Shut up!” Guinevere whispered. Her eyes were flickering all around, like a caged animal’s.
No sooner had Ayra done what she was told than she saw a flashlight beam up ahead, throwing light onto the rocks they had been on what seemed like only moments before. It was smeared with mud and pulverized reed stems … and no creature. It's hiding with us, Ayra realized with a deep feeling of dread.
Somewhere behind them, a twig broke. Ayra turned desperately, only to have Guinevere clamp a hand over her mouth.
“Hello? Is anybody out here?” Ms. Gibs called, casting the flashlight beam around uncertainly. Ayra noticed suddenly that there was a trail of muddy footprints leading right to their hiding spot – please, she begged inside her head, please make her not notice them …
“Mmhm.” The teacher frowned, bending down to examine the chaos of muddy tracks on the rock. Ayra imagined what it must look like: human prints mingled with those of a giant … creature.
Please make her not notice the trail. Please.
Of course she noticed.
Of course the creature chose that exact moment to turn the stillness into a splintering explosion of sound. Reeds snapping. Ms. Gibs exclaiming in surprise. Guinevere swearing and pushing Ayra to the side so that the creature, yowling in rage, missed them by inches.
Dizzily, Ayra saw the stars swirl around her head before she crashed into yet another reed thicket. Guinevere grabbed the hood of her sweater and yanked her out of the way yet again as the creature’s paw sank into the mud where she had been mere seconds before.
“Get to the water,” Guinevere told her in an urgent whisper. Ayra lurched forward just in time to see Ms. Gibs, pale and clutching her flashlight, nearing the thicket. She splashed into the lake up to her thighs before turning back to the shore.
Guinevere burst out of the thicket after her, narrowly avoiding the creature’s lunge. Ms. Gibs shrieked and took a few steps back, her jaw going slack with amazed horror. “Ayra!” she cried. “What is going on? I – there’s some sort of animal!”
Really? Ayra thought. I hadn’t noticed.
At the sound of Ms. Gibs’ voice, the creature seemed to lose its interest in Guinevere. Moving with terrifying ease on its stilt-like limbs, it crashed through the reeds and bowled the teacher over. Her screams were muffled suddenly, and Ayra felt an unexpected lump in her throat. Ms. Gibs wasn’t that bad, for a teacher …
“Hey!” she called out, waving her arms in the air. “Over here, you overgrown alley cat!”
“Are you absolutely out of your mind?” Guinevere screamed as its massive head swung around to regard her with flat, gleaming eyes.
“Yes!” Ayra yelled back as she ran to shore as fast as she could. Water filled her pockets, made her jeans seem like they weighed ten pounds, but the thought of those broken-glass teeth in her skin wouldn’t let her stop. She could see Guinevere beside her, eyes wild.
“Where are we going?” she asked between gulps of air.
“Just follow me,” Ayra gasped back. After years of school trips, she knew the area surrounding the lake well enough to navigate in the dark. Guinevere had saved her from being shredded more than once tonight; she wanted to feel like she could be at least a tiny bit helpful. She knew one place the creature shouldn’t be able to follow.
The jumping rock loomed up in front of them, a hulking black shadow leaning out over the lake. Ayra flung herself onto it, scraping her knees, but she barely noticed. The smell of the creature, hot and damp and feral, was right behind her.
Guinevere was already at the top when she got there. Ayra risked a glance down the rock and saw the creature bunching back on its absurdly long legs, getting ready to launch itself up and tear them to pieces and have them for a midnight snack. So much for the one place it can't get to us. She remembered suddenly that Guinevere had been talking to it, luring it towards her before, and wondered why on earth anyone in their right mind would want to be anywhere near it.
Maybe Guinevere wasn’t in her right mind. Given the current circumstances, it seemed likely.
But then again, if this was really happening, then she probably wasn’t either.
“What are you waiting for? Jump!” Guinevere grabbed her hand and they both leaped off the rock just as the creature landed on it, claws scrabbling for a purchase.
The lake closed over Ayra’s head, and as her momentum carried her down she thought how different this was from her earlier jumps – those had been for fun, not a last-ditch attempt to escape a crazy overgrown cat creature with a girl who had inexplicably been trying to pet it earlier.
She opened her eyes underwater and immediately wished she hadn’t. The water was dark, dark, dark, eyes-closed dark, a lightless sheathe of cold. She saw Guinevere beside her, her hair floating around her face like seaweed, the only thing she could see surrounded by watery ink.
Then she saw a flurry of silver bubbles from above her, heard a rushing noise as the creature plummeted down towards them in the lake.

_______________________

QUESTIONS:
1) Do you want to know what happens next, or do you not really care?
2) Can you see things clearly in your mind's eye - is the description okay?

1.) Are you out of your mind? Yes! I want to know more. I want to know more now!!
2.) I love the description. It wasn't too much or too little. I could actually hear my heart pounding when the cat pounced on Ayra. I would like to know more about Guinevere. What's her story? Why is she there? What's up with the feline creature? Your description is superb. Why is it going after Ayra? What control does Guinevere have over it?

Write more; I really enjoyed it.

To answer your questions, I have no clue where this is going but I'm excited to find out. And yes, the description's great - 30 degrees and snowing here and I can feel the summer rays eminating from your story. You do rush it a little, though, and even though you've got to keep chapters pretty short on this site to be given any attention on this site, I think you could've improved your pace a little bit. Still, the characters seem pretty intriguing and right now I'm still completely wondering what's going to happen and how this is going to play out, so keep writing and I'll keep reading.
Hope this helped,
StoryWeaver

Hullo there, Camille! Here I am to review as promised. ^.^

Ayra grinned and looked around, absorbing the sights of dream-blue water, dream-blue sky, and dream-tan skin.

I'm a little confused about this--is the dream-tan skin her own skin, or Jade's? In context, it sounds like there's a lot of dream-tan skin around, but I had imagined that everyone else was behind Ayra and Jade, so they wouldn't be able to see them... right? Maybe it's just me, but this didn't make much sense. :/

“No idea.” Ayra tugged distractedly at her red bikini. It did seem strange to have a new student in the class when the year was almost over … but since there was one, she may as well go and get a closer look. “Come on,” she said, tugging on Jade’s hand.

Okay. This is really nit-picky, but the repetition of "tug" is a little distracting...

Ms. Gibs cleared her throat with a sound like an old truck starting up, and Ayra’s mistrust slunk to the back of her mind.

I love it! Perfect analogy .

She turned to ms. Gibs and said something Ayra couldn’t quite make out, but from the way her voice rose at the end she assumed it was a question.

Typo. "Ms." not "ms."

She didn’t seem to notice anything off about Guinevere, Ayra thought, so I shouldn’t either.

If this is her thoughts, shouldn't that be in present tense? Thus: "She doesn't seem to notice...(ect.)"

As luck would have it, the only extra bunk was in their cabin, so naturally Ms. Gibs told Guinevere she would be welcome to unpack her things there. Jade wanted to hang out around the boys’ cabins until late, to Ayra’s relief; it meant less awkward conversation when they went back to their own at around eleven.
“Uh … hi,” Jade said, at the sight of Guinevere folding shirts in the corner bunk.

I'm a little confused here--from the first paragraph it seems like they're going to the boys' cabin rather than their own--so then I thought that Guinevere was folding the boys' shirts... I think you probably mean that she was folding shirts when Ayra and Jade came back at eleven, but I only just realized that after the third reading. I think the problem is that I don't really have a sense of how much time has passed.

She stretched luxuriously and breathed in deep lungfuls of air, at peace with the world after a long day.

This part felt a little... corny. Kind of cliché and a little too honky-dory, if you know what I mean. Plus, the sentence before this also ended in "day." All in all, I'm not saying you have to cut it out completely, but if I were you I'd at least modify it a bit.

Her spine fused.

Interesting word choice! Maybe a little too interesting, though--I'm having a hard time picturing what it means for a spine to fuse, exactly... but maybe it's a saying or something that I just haven't heard of.

Maybe Guinevere was a hippie – it would explain the strange clothing, and maybe she was a nature nut who liked talking to cats.
Big cats.

Hehe. I liked this--though it seemed a little far-fetched since I have never heard of talking to cats as being the sign of a hippie or a nature nut. I think of it as the kind of thing crazy old ladies are known for... but that might just be me. ^.~

It was crouched down on the rocks a few feet away from Guinevere, who was shining in the dimness in a white lace dress.

This was a little awkward because of the two "in"s. Maybe try: "It was crouched down on the rocks a few feet away from Guinevere, whose white lace dress was shining in the dimness." ...or something like that.

Only later did she fully realize that she should never even have left her cabin.

This is completely a matter of opinion, but that underlined part sounds a little funny to me. You could try something more like: "Only later did she fully realize that she never should have even left her cabin." But I think what you really need to do is eliminate one of the words, because what with "fully," "should," "never," and "even," there are just too many of those in-between kind of words. I think, anyway. It's not a huge problem, just something that struck me.

Ayra wondered uneasily what kind of cat it was; as a child, she had made it her personal obligation to study every kind of feline there was, but she had never learnt about a black-and-brown striped cat.

Interesting exercise. ^.^ But from what you say it seems like she only knows about domestic cats... did this obligation include wild felines as well? Plus, I'm pretty sure I've seen black-and-brown striped cats, so I think maybe you should give a more specific description here. Maybe there's something else about the stripes that is unusual, other than their color?

A pair of shell-shaped ears were slicked back as if in submission, showing off its face to the full advantage.

Didn't you describe Guinevere's mouth the same way? Is that intentional? Either way, it's an intriguing parallel.

She dug her nails into the skin just before her knee until she drew blood, trying to focus of anything but the strange and decidedly frightening scene unfolding mere feet away from her.

Whoa--that's a bit much, don't you think? I know she's scared, but she seems scared in a fairly clear-headed way, not in a masochistic way. You'd have to dig pretty hard to draw blood, wouldn't you? Unless you had either really sharp nails or really thin skin, I guess. Also, there's a typo: I think that should be "focus on" not "focus of." ^.~ Plus, you've done a really good job so far of showing that the scene is frightening, so when you just tell us here, it's a little disappointing.

She had never been more afraid in her life as she was then, staring through a flimsy barrier of reeds at that terrible snarling mouth, the liquid animal shine of the eyes.

I'm pretty sure that should be either "She had never been more afraid in her life than she was then..." OR "She had never been as afraid in her live as she was then..."

Of all the things to think about before her death, she suddenly couldn’t stop thinking of how distinctly unfair it was that now she would never know the secrets of pimple prevention.

Teehee! This was good, but I'm a little confused--wasn't Jade the one who was reading a magazine in the cabin?

Maybe Guinevere wasn’t in her right mind. Given the current circumstances, it seemed likely.
But then again, if this was really happening, then she probably wasn’t either.

This might be completely intentional, but it seemed a little ironic to me that Ayra was having these thoughts just after the whole "Are you absolutely out of your mind?"/"Yes!" exchange...
------------------------

Wow, Camille! You certainly are back--and better than ever. ^.^ This was thoroughly captivating and despite some things that would usually make a story somewhat boring (which I'll go into later) you've managed to really suck me in. I'm intrigued by Guinevere, and the beast, and the strangeness of the whole thing. You've introduced characters, settings, relationships--everything to really set an excellent stage for the novel to come. There isn't much, because it's just the first chapter, but I can already tell this is going to be interesting. ^.^

That said, there are some things you could improve upon. My biggest pet peeve is Ayra's character. She seems a little... shallow. I think it's intentional on your part, but she seems like one of those girls who spends all her time bothering about how she looks, how her friends look, and what the boys think of her. She doesn't even seem very mean or anything--she's just kind of like an average teenage ditz. I know that sounds harsh, and I'm really sorry if it insults you, but I just can't connect with her. I'm actually impressed that you've managed to write something so interesting about a character who's not so interesting! Now, I may be wrong about this, but I have a feeling that over the course of the novel she will suffer hardship, maybe even loss and probably have to overcome some personal hurtle. And that's not a bad thing at all--I'm pretty sure novels would be boring if the characters didn't change at all--but I just think I would like to have something a little more original to start out with. She certainly doesn't have to be likable, but she does have to be a little more interesting than she is now. Just try and give her some quirks that would set her apart from any other teenage girl like her.

Now to your questions.

1. Of course I do! Your action scene was brilliant, and you've left us with a cruel cliffhanger. Plus, I really want to know more about Guinevere and the beast. And what the heck they were doing together! I'm Intrigued, Camille--good job!

2. This is where it gets tricky, and actually it's my other issue with this besides Ayra's character. The answer to your question is yes and no. Yes because you have always had a way with words and your descriptions are as lovely as ever. Starting with the very first line, your imagery glistens with life. I would like a little more description of temperature, but that's not a big deal. The reason for the "no" is a little harder to explain, and much harder to improve, I think. You see, you have great descriptions of specific things--the water, Guinevere, Ms. Gibs, etc.--but the relation between these things is a little less clear. It's hard for me to lay out the scenes in my mind because I don't know much about lengths--both of distance and of time. I don't know, for example, where the jumping rock is in relation to the lake and to the crowd of students in the first scene. Or where the thicket is in relation to the lake or in relation to Ms. Gibs in the final scene. Time-wise, I don't know how much time passed between when Ayra goes to cheep up the boys, then decides to stay out late with Jade, then returns to find Guinevere in her room. I also find it hard to believe that in the four minutes after "lights out," Jade nearly fell asleep, and Guinevere left the cabin without being heard. Well, Guinevere may be supernatural, so that's understandable, but I'm surprised that Ayra wasn't surprised by her silent disappearance. Also, how did those minutes pass? Did they seem to Ayra to drag on, never-ending? Or did they fly by? Both time and space are very tricky things to describe well, but I have faith in you! ^.^

Overall, I'm intrigued. It was cruel of you to have such a fast-paced action scene and leave us with a cliffhanger. :( Tell me when you post more!

I really really hope this doesn't come off as overly harsh--but if it does, it's just because I care and I want to help you. Please PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions/comments at all about anything I've said.

I hope this helps.
a

Coloured is just suggestions in grammar and things :]

Under the lake’s skin, all Ayra could feel was the surge of cold, her fingers clutching streaming handfuls as she plummeted down, down
Under the lake’s skin, all Ayra could feel was the surge of cold; her fingers clutching streaming handfuls as she plummeted down, amd down

She opened her eyes as she began to rise and saw sunlight shattered through the waves.
She opened her eyes as she began to rise and saw that sunlight shattered through the waves.
She opened her eyes as she began to rise and saw sunlight shatter through the waves in a golden layer.

“Is it totally freezing?” Jade asked as soon as she surfaced.
----"totally" is something a lot of teens will say - and I mean the melodramatic, annoying kind xD. I really don't say "totally" a lot, but they do. And when it is said, it just sounds weird :]. You have to watch out for dialogue; how a character talks and all that. It says a lot about the character. The "totally" could be replaced with "really" or "completely". ^^

She was perched on a sun-baked rock, eyeing the water warily.
----You should try to use "was" as less as possible. Sentences can seem stronger without them ^^. If you can manage not using "was" while still making the sentence good, do :]

Ayra swam ashore and flipped her hair back,
----This is where you can sneak in just a little bit of detail on how she looks. "flipped her hair of blonde back", "flipped her hair of red back", etc, whatever colour it is xD.

sporting similar expressions of glassy-eyed appreciation (or stupidity, Ayra thought)
sporting similar expressions of glassy-eyed appreciation. Or, as Ayra thought, stupidity.

Oh, stop it, she told herself sharply. She was being ridiculous.
----Thoughts should be in italics ^^

Jade plopped down on her bed and started reading a battered copy of teenvogue.
---I thought Jade was with the boys o.o
And, could you say where she got the battered copy?

But Ayra was unconvinced.
But Ayra was not convinced.

Ayra wondered uneasily what kind of cat it was; as a child, she had made it her personal obligation to study every kind of feline there was, but she had never learnt about a black-and-brown striped cat.
----Why did she make it her obligation o.o?

and strangely built: long, stilt-like legs and a strangely arched spine.
----Strangely got repetitive

not a last-ditch attempt to escape an crazy
not a last-ditch attempt to escape a crazy

The water was dark, dark, dark, eyes-closed dark, a lightless sheathe of cold.
The water was dark, the pitch-black kind of dark, the eyes-closed kind of dark.


Yes, I do want to know what happens o.o. I'm a bit intrigued, XDDDD. I didn't even care about any errors ones it got to the action ;o. Yeah, sucker for action in stories (just not movies).
You could do with some more details in the action, though. I did like it but I wasn't exactly sure what was going on . You could read over it and try to see it from a reader's view, if it make sense. But that's just me. It probably made sense to other readers... I won't speak for all of them.

Some sentences almost seem poetic, in a way. You just use the words in a slightly more unique way than other common writing. It makes it your own, so that's really good ^^

I think you need to go more into Ayra's (nice name, by the way) personality. It seems like you're only making her this curious to pull the story along, but I think it needs to be that she just happens to be in this situation, and that she is normally a very curious, and paranoid girl. Then you need to use a few examples from the past, mentioning them to show how paranoid and cat-curious she is.

The story MIGHT be moving too fast. If you add more detail and everything, maybe you don't have to change anything. But I think the action with what she finds out is a tad fast. It could be in the second chapter, instead, and with chapter one, this one, you just introduce characters. Not too much; maybe three characters. Her, Jade, and then at the end, Guin, while in chapter two, readers will be familiar with Ayra and Jade already, and now getting into Guin. ^^

Thank you all so much for your reviews!

I'll fix the nit-picky things right away and then get to work on adding more characterization and more description of time & space, and slowing down the action scene a bit. Your comments were really helpful, thanks again!

yep, it's one of these reviews. if you want to hear a summary of the whole thing, skip to the end and read the last paragraph. if you want to read my side comments on many of your paragraphs, scroll through and look for comments surrounded by three dashes (---).




The world was drowned out in an explosion of silver bubbles.
---nice opening---

Under the lake’s skin, all Ayra could feel was the surge of cold, her fingers clutching streaming handfuls as she plummeted down, down. She opened her eyes as she began to rise and saw sunlight shattered through the waves.
---I like the description, it really does help to visualize things---

“Is it totally freezing?” Jade asked as soon as she surfaced. She was perched on a sun-baked rock, eyeing the water warily.

Ayra swam ashore and flipped her hair back, spraying her friend with glittering droplets. “Nah,” she said. “It’s perfect.” This was the best part of the final weeks of school: the fieldtrip to the lake. Not only was it a perfect opportunity to check out the male student body, but there was something about that first plunge that always managed to erase the sticky three-hour bus trip in a matter of seconds.
---I like this paragraph, it helps to get inside the main charecter's head, while at the same time explaining the setting.


“’Perfect’ to you usually means ‘fucking freezing’ to everyone else,” Jade complained good-naturedly, but she let herself be pulled up to the jumping rock nonetheless. Ayra grinned and looked around, absorbing the sights of dream-blue water, dream-blue sky, and dream-tan skin. Most of the other sophomores were clustered around the shore, daring each other to wade in; a few daring individuals were treading water farther out.

“Okay, on three,” she said, clasping Jade’s hand. “One, two, th-“

“Hey! The new girl’s here!”
---did a double take here and imagined them falling into the lake---

Someone shouted from behind them. Ayra turned around in confusion – new girl? She put her hand over her eyes to shade them from the sun and squinted down the path to the cabins. Someone tall and lean was talking with Ms. Gibs, her homeroom teacher, but the glare was too bright for her to see the girl’s features.

“Since when do we have a new kid? There’s like, two weeks of school left,” Jade said irritably.

“No idea.” Ayra tugged distractedly at her red bikini. It did seem strange to have a new student in the class when the year was almost over … but since there was one, she may as well go and get a closer look. “Come on,” she said, pulling on Jade’s hand.
---the '...' should probably be a comma here---

As they got closer, it became evident that they weren’t the only ones curious about the newcomer. Some of the guys were standing on the side of the path, sporting similar expressions of glassy-eyed appreciation (or stupidity, Ayra thought). But it wasn’t difficult to see why. The newcomer was tall, a bit taller than her, with sleek cappuccino skin and an enviable mane of mahogany curls that tumbled to her tiny waist. Her mouth was turned up, as if in amusement, and Ayra didn’t trust the expression in her smoke-grey eyes. At first glance they appeared warm, innocent; but there was something underneath … a strange mixture of contempt and deep uneasiness.
---good paragraph for giving us a feel for Ayra's feelings about this girl, now my first impression of her is to be suspicious---

Oh, stop it, she told herself sharply. She was being ridiculous.

Ms. Gibs cleared her throat with a sound like an old truck starting up, and Ayra’s mistrust slunk to the back of her mind. “As you can see,” she started, “we have a new student in our class. She will be staying with us for the next two weeks, and continuing here in September.” Ms. Gibs turned to face the new girl, looking utterly like a toad in comparison to her. “Guinevere, did you say your name was, dear?” she croaked.
---definately liked the toad analogy and how you followed it up with saying she croaked---

“Yes.” Ayra noticed that some of the girl’s teeth were slightly sharp as she smiled, then mentally slapped herself. Who cared if her teeth weren’t as absolutely perfect as the rest of her? She herself had a few sharp teeth; it was nothing to get worked up about.
---woah. sharp teeth? now i'm really suspicious---

“Hi, Guinevere,” the assembled students said in unison. Some of the boys were smiling and nudging each other. One of them, Theo, called out, “will you be joining us in the lake, Guinevere?”

“No, I’m afraid not … I didn’t bring, ah, a bathing suit.” She turned to Ms. Gibs and said something Ayra couldn’t quite make out, but from the way her voice rose at the end she assumed it was a question.
---something about the last two quotes sounds brittish. also, the 'ah' seemed a little out of place to me---

“Bet the boys are disappointed,” Jade smirked.

She didn’t seem to notice anything off about Guinevere, Ayra thought, so I shouldn’t either. She pushed her long, dark hair over one shoulder and replied, “well, we can’t have that … let’s go cheer them up, shall we?”

* * *
Jade wanted to stay at the boy's cabin until late; it was almost eleven by the time they crept up the stairs to their own, trying not to make too much noise and wake their neighbours. Ayra eased open the door, wincing as it creaked loudly -

“Uh … hi,” Jade said, at the sight of Guinevere folding shirts in the corner bunk.

“Oh – sorry!” Guinevere’s eyes widened innocently. “Ms. Gibs said there was an empty bed here … I didn’t mean to intrude.”
---intrude? what's she apologizing for here? be more clear with this paragraph---

Ayra felt a twinge of sympathy for her. Being the new girl must suck, she thought. But what she said was: “No, no, it’s fine, really. I just hope you don’t mind if we stay up late?”

The corners of Guinevere’s seashell mouth turned up in a strange smile. “Not at all.”
---her mouth looks like a seashell?---

Jade plopped down on her bed and started reading a battered copy of teenvogue. She tossed Ayra another magazine and asked absentmindedly, “So, where are you from?”
---you would know better than I whether teenvogue should be one word or two...---

Ayra was often jealous of her best friend, for various reasons: 1) her shiny blonde hair, which never seemed to get tangled, 2) her extraordinary collection of Sephora makeup, and 3) the easy grace with which she recovered from awkward situations.
---this paragraph seemed a little odd and out of place, but then I realized that the third reason was refering to the current situation. until you implied it here, I didn't think the coversation sounded awkward at all, so it would probably be good to both rearrange the paragraph above so that it starts with a tie in to the last one, and also mention earlier that the situation was awkward, and why it was---

“Maine,” Guinevere murmured. All of her clothes seemed slightly … odd, Ayra thought. Nice, but odd nonetheless: lacy long-sleeved shirts, short velvet skirts, an assortment of white dresses.
---oh no, maine? thats the site of like every stephen king novel... yep she's a demon---

When Ms. Gibs came by and informed them that it was time for ‘lights out’, Ayra obediently turned her headlamp off, planning to turn it on again in five minutes to continue reading her magazine. Four minutes … three minutes … two minutes … good enough, she decided, and flipped her light back on.

Guinevere’s bed was empty.

“Jade,” Ayra hissed.

“What?”

“Guinevere’s gone!”

“So?” came the sleepy reply. “She’s probably just gone to the bathroom, just relax.”

But Ayra was unconvinced. “Actually, I have to go too,” she lied. “I’ll be right back.”

“Mmkay.”

She slipped out the cabin door, careful not to let it slam shut. Where could Guinevere have gone? She waited in the shadow of a pine tree for her eyes to adjust to the dark, then quietly padded down the trail, her footfalls silenced by the thick cushions of moss.
---explain why she is so interested in this girl's activities. to me it seems weird that she would chase after her in the middle of the night---

The washrooms were empty, as were the paths connecting the cabins. This is silly, Ayra thought suddenly. Jade was probably right. Maybe she just couldn’t find the bathroom and just went in the woods or something.

But she still didn’t want to go back to the cabin. She felt wide awake with the slight breeze lifting her hair, whispering over her skin. She could hear the steady lapping of wavelets on the shore and thought, maybe I’ll just go sit by the water for a while before I go in.
---wow, she really doesn't like authority. if i snuck out of my cabin on a school field trip to sit by the lake in the middle of the night my ass would be in detention---

An owl hooted balefully in the woods behind her as she settled onto a smooth, flat rock by the water. It was still faintly warm, holding onto the heat it had absorbed during the day. She stretched luxuriously and breathed in deep lungfuls of air, relieved to finally be alone, free from the pressure of always worrying about how she looked, how she presented herself to everyone else.
---good charecter development here, now I feel like i know her better---


That is, until she heard Guinevere’s voice, coming from a few feet away.

Not so alone, after all. Her spine fused. She drew herself slowly backwards, holding her breath as she was absorbed into the shadows. She could vaguely make out Guinevere’s tall, slim shape through a thicket of reeds. She was squatting, murmuring continuously in a low, soothing voice.

Ayra frowned. Who was she talking to?

As if in answer to her unspoken question, another shape detached itself from the gloom. At first she thought it was one of the guys … but then, the last time she had seen them, none of the guys was an animal.
---how do you detach yourself from gloom?---


And the thing Guinevere was talking to most definitely was.

It had a distinctly feline silhouette: lean and graceful, but there was something predatory in the way it advanced slowly towards the squatting girl. Ayra’s mind struggled to make sense of it. Maybe Guinevere was a hippie – it would explain the strange clothing, and maybe she was some kind of nature nut who liked talking to cats.

Big cats.

It was crouched down on the rocks a few feet away from Guinevere, whose white lace dress glowed faintly in the dimness. Her hair hung in shining coils past her knees. The cat looked wary of her, its ears flattened against its head, ready to bolt despite Guinevere’s constant soothing murmurs. Watching the scene unfold, like some strange foreign opera, Ayra suddenly felt like an outsider peering in on something she wasn’t meant to see.

But if I move, she realized with a sinking feeling, they’ll hear me.

So she stayed put. Only later did she fully realize that she never should have even left her cabin.

“There, there,” Guinevere was saying. One of her hands was outstretched towards the animal. It crept slowly closer, placing one paw in front of the other with a measured, deliberate slowness. One of its forelegs was dappled with little rosettes of moonlight, illuminating a brindled pattern of black and brown fur.

Ayra wondered uneasily what kind of cat it was; as a child, she had made it her personal obligation to study every kind of feline there was, but she had never learnt about a black-and-brown striped cat. Unless it was an alley cat - but what would it be doing here? She wondered, squinting hard.

As more and more of it was revealed, each hair tipped in silver under the moon, she knew with a kind of dreadful certainty that this wasn’t the sort of animal she would have read about in her encyclopedia.

Her first clue, after its strange pelt, was size. It was easily three, no, four times bigger than your average house cat, and strangely built: long, stilt-like legs and a bizarrely arched spine.

Her second clue was its head. A pair of shell-shaped ears were slicked back as if in submission, showing off its face to the full advantage. Ayra wasn’t so sure this was a good thing, considering it had large, flat black eyes that shone as wetly as oil spills and a horribly wide mouth stuffed full of sharp, clear teeth. She began to feel cold all over, but found she couldn’t look away.
---wow, nice full description---

Guinevere reached out and petted it – whatever it was. Flashes of horror movies played over and over again in Ayra’s head.

She shrank farther back into the gloom ... and a branch snagged on her shirt, audibly tearing the thin cotton.
---clasic. no one can ever manage to walk away quietly when they see something like that---

The cat-creature’s head whipped around. Black lips pulled back, revealing more dripping, shiny teeth that reminded Ayra of the beach glass she used to collect as a child. She had never been more afraid in her life than she was then, staring through a flimsy barrier of reeds at that terrible snarling mouth, the liquid animal shine of the eyes. Her heartbeat seemed everywhere at once, in her fingertips, pounding through her skull.
---once again, good description---

Guinevere turned more slowly. Almost as if she wasn’t surprised to see Ayra crouching there like the stupid, overly curious idiot she was. A resigned sigh escaped her lips, but Ayra could barely hear it over the beating of her supercharged heart, pumping her full of adrenaline and fear.

And then everything went deathly quiet in the moment before the creature leapt through the reeds and landed square on her chest.

The air whooshed out of her lungs in a dizzying rush. Black spots exploded before her eyes like reverse fireworks, but through them she saw the creature’s head lowering, its breath hot on her face. She imagined it ripping her heart out and writhed desperately, but it was no use. So she did the only thing she could think of doing, besides squishing her eyes shut and waiting for unimaginable pain.
---reverse fireworks? because they're black?---

She punched it in the nose.
---good for her---

It shook its head as if to dislodge water, making an irritated noise low in its throat. But the pressure on her chest didn’t lessen. She fought for breath, wild-eyed and air-starved. And all she had done was enrage it, given it a real reason to bite her or kill her or whatever its monstrous cat self intended to do.
---the word 'cat' in the last sentence is kind of unnecessary---

Oh, very clever, she snarled mentally. Out of nowhere, she thought sadly that now she would never get to finish her article about How To Stop A Breakout Before It Even Starts. Of all the things to think about before her death, she suddenly couldn’t stop thinking of how distinctly unfair it was that now she would never know the secrets of pimple prevention.
---I liked the comic relief in this paragraph---

She looked back at the creature. It loomed over her, blocking out the stars. A drop of hot saliva fell on her cheek as it snarled.

“Oh, gross,” she said weakly. It was already going to kill her, so spitting on her, that was really just adding insult to injury, wasn’t it? She felt a hysterical laugh gathering inside her, sucking up all of her remaining oxygen. Her vision gave way to a static screen of black dots.
---I'm not sure she would care in the slightest about how gross it was if it was about to kill her, and I doubt she would be feeling anything but fear at this point---

So she felt, rather than saw, the creature being lifted off of her. She heard an outrageously loud yowl as it flattened the reeds a few feet away. Air rushed back into her lungs, the best feeling in the world at that moment, and her vision cleared.

Now it was Guinevere who was blocking out the stars. Her large grey eyes were wild and unfocused and her teeth seemed sharper than before, narrowing to tiny points. Ayra wondered distantly how such a slender girl had ever been able to lift the creature, much less throw it.

“Get up!” she hissed. Ayra grabbed hold of her hand and Guinevere all but flung her onto her feet. “Quick, before everyone comes running to see what the commotion is!”
---ok, now I'm starting to trust her just a little---

Ayra was shoved unceremoniously into a dense clump of reeds. “Wha-“

“Shut up!” Guinevere whispered. Her eyes were flickering all around, like a caged animal’s.

No sooner had Ayra done what she was told than she saw a flashlight beam up ahead, throwing light onto the rocks they had been on what seemed like only moments before. It was smeared with mud and pulverized reed stems … and no creature. Which could only mean one thing, Ayra realized with a deep feeling of dread.
---really? there's only one thing it could mean? I can think of many things it could mean, so now i'm pretty confused---

Somewhere behind them, a twig broke. Ayra turned desperately, only to have Guinevere clamp a hand over her mouth.
---was the twig Guinevere? Ms. Gibs? the tiger?---

“Hello? Is anybody out here?” Ms. Gibs called, casting the flashlight beam around uncertainly. Ayra noticed suddenly that there was a trail of muddy footprints leading right to their hiding spot – please, she begged inside her head, please make her not notice them …
---why is she so afraid that the teacher will find them? wouldn't she be able to call 911 or sombody?---

“Mmhm.” The teacher frowned, bending down to examine the chaos of muddy tracks on the rock. Ayra imagined what it must look like: human prints mingled with those of a giant … creature.

Please make her not notice the trail. Please.

Of course she noticed.

Of course the creature chose that exact moment to turn the stillness into a splintering explosion of sound. Reeds snapping. Ms. Gibs exclaiming in surprise. Guinevere swearing and pushing Ayra to the side so that the creature, yowling in rage, missed them by inches.

Dizzily, Ayra saw the stars swirl around her head before she crashed into yet another reed thicket. Guinevere grabbed the hood of her sweater and yanked her out of the way yet again as the creature’s paw sank into the mud where she had been mere seconds before.

“Get to the water,” Guinevere told her in an urgent whisper. Ayra lurched forward just in time to see Ms. Gibs, pale and clutching her flashlight, nearing the thicket. She splashed into the lake up to her thighs before turning back to the shore.

Guinevere burst out of the thicket, narrowly avoiding the creature’s lunge. Ms. Gibs shrieked and took a few steps back, her jaw going slack with amazed horror. “Ayra!” she cried. “What is going on? I – there’s some sort of animal!”
---try to be a little more clear in this section, I was confused and found some of this hard to picture and understand exactly what was going on---


Really? Ayra thought. I hadn’t noticed.
---I'm liking Ayra's sense of humor---

At the sound of Ms. Gibs’ voice, the creature seemed to lose its interest in Guinevere. Moving with terrifying ease on its stilt-like limbs, it crashed through the reeds and bowled the teacher over. Her screams were muffled suddenly, and Ayra felt an unexpected lump in her throat. Ms. Gibs wasn’t that bad, for a teacher …

“Hey!” she called out, waving her arms in the air. “Over here, you overgrown alley cat!”

“Are you absolutely out of your mind?” Guinevere screamed as its massive head swung around to regard her with flat, gleaming eyes.

“Yes!” Ayra yelled back as she ran to shore as fast as she could. Water filled her pockets, made her jeans seem like they weighed ten pounds, but the thought of those broken-glass teeth in her skin wouldn’t let her stop. She could see Guinevere beside her, eyes wild.

“Where are we going?” she asked between gulps of air.

“Just follow me,” Ayra gasped back. Guinevere had saved her from being shredded more than once tonight; she wanted to feel like she could be at least a tiny bit helpful. She knew one place the creature wouldn’t be able to follow them.
---are they wading in the water? what's going on?---

The jumping rock loomed up in front of them, a hulking black shadow leaning out over the lake. Ayra flung herself onto it, scraping her knees, but she barely noticed. The smell of the creature, hot and damp and feral, was right behind her.

Guinevere was already at the top when she got there. Ayra risked a glance down the rock and saw the creature bunching back on its absurdly long legs, getting ready to launch itself up and tear them to pieces and have them for a midnight snack. She remembered suddenly that Guinevere had been talking to it, luring it towards her before, and wondered why on earth anyone in their right mind would want to be anywhere near it.
---these action scenes are getting confusing, try to explain what's happening more clearly---

Maybe Guinevere wasn’t in her right mind. Given the current circumstances, it seemed likely.

But then again, if this was really happening, then she probably wasn’t either.

“What are you waiting for? Jump!” Guinevere grabbed her hand and they both leaped off the rock just as the creature landed on it, claws scrabbling for a purchase.

The lake closed over Ayra’s head, and as her momentum carried her down she thought how different this was from her earlier jumps – those had been for fun, not a last-ditch attempt to escape a crazy overgrown cat creature with a girl who had inexplicably been trying to pet it earlier.

She opened her eyes underwater and immediately wished she hadn’t. The water was dark, dark, dark, eyes-closed dark, a lightless sheathe of cold. She saw Guinevere beside her, her hair floating around her face like seaweed, the only thing she could see surrounded by watery ink.

Then she saw a flurry of silver bubbles from above her, heard a rushing noise as the creature plummeted down towards them in the lake.

---ok, so as a whole, this story was great. you really have a knack for painting a picture with words, and I really enjoyed reading a story that was so easy to visualize. with that said, the faster paced scenes were a little too fast paced, and startd to get confusing. for most of the time while I was reading them, I was having trouble following where the charecters were, and what they were doing. it all seemed a little too chaotic, so you should probably be more presise in your descriptions there. as for charecter development, I thought you did quite well, as the reader frequently got glimpses into the mind of the main charecter, and also her feelings. I'm looking forward to reviewing your next chapter, which I will probably have done in the next several days---
your friend,
---Psudiname

Yikes! I don't think there's a thing to nitpick left!
1.) I do care. You made it sound VERY interesting. Can't wait for more!
2.) That's all I need to say.

My thing is that I looked for a description about your novel and it didn't say a thing. Do you have this planned out at all? If you don't plan it out a little more. It gives us readers a little more to look forward to. Your charecters seem fine and your dialougue goes together well. I want to know more about Araya's personality. It seems lightly built. Thanks!