Free Me

Prologue


“Vincent, I need to speak to you.” I heard my father's deep voice call from inside our home.

I hovered for a moment, taking a deep breath of fresh air, then angled my large wings downward and touched the soft grass with my bare feet. I let out a sigh, folding my wings shut and walked to the large expanse of our porch.

I turned, looking out at the horizon. The sun was just beginning to set, the world turning everything gold and crimson. The trees looked marvelous, the leaves shining. Autumn had just begun to set in. It was my favorite time of the year.

“Vincent!” I heard my father's voice again, urgent this time. I let my feathered wings meet the fresh air for a moment, then turned into the house.

“Yes, Father?”

My father was a magnificent man. Everyone knew who he was, and I was the spitting image of him. He was tall, about six foot four, jet black hair with onyx eyes and muscular. His wings were snow white, unlike mine, which were the color of midnight. His wings had a span of twelve feet, thus the reason for our large porch.

I had much of his looks. The hair matched; we had the same sharp jaw and high cheek bones. My large feathered wings had a span of ten feet, and I stood at six feet, even. The only differing look from his were my eyes. I had my mother's eyes, who had died while birthing me. They were as blue as the day sky.

“There's been.... difficulties. So to speak.”

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Son, they know.”

I stiffened. I had thought no one would have found out. It was the worst crime, and I had done the unthinkable.

In our realm, in the heavens, the worst crime was to eat of the leader's trees and gardens. I had done that act, a week ago. It was so tempting. Our leader, June, had the most succulent fruits in his garden. I could no longer help myself. I restrained myself for years, but had finally broke. Now someone knew.

“Son, they are coming. They are coming now.”

My eyes widened. “Father, help me! I have to leave! Now!”

“Vincent, I can't allow you to do that.” My father stepped towards me.

Fear met my senses, spiking my heart rate.

“Father, w-what are you doing?”

“I am sorry, son. If I do not stop you, they will kill me...” He stepped forward once more, grabbing for me. I unfurled my wings, wincing as they overturned tables and knocked paintings to the ground with a crash.

“Vincent, no! If you leave, they will hunt you. If you stay, you will get the lesser punishment!”

I turned to run to the porch and froze. They were here. Already.

June himself was standing there, looking mighty, the setting sun shooting rays around our house and through his wings. June was a leader, there was no doubting it. He was a warlord, also. That's what I feared. His war side. The merciless side.

“Vincent, peace.” he said quietly. I squeezed my eyes shut in slight fear, closing my wings.

“Good, good.” I heard his leather sandals stride to my spot. Only then did I open my eyes. June had tawny brown hair, curling to frame his face and forest green eyes. His wings were large, and a shade lighter than his hair. He wore flowing tan pants that rested just at his hips, and a circlet of gold on his brow, declaring his status.

“Kneel, Vincent.” he said, staring into my eyes. I swallowed nervously, letting my knees hit the wood floor hard.

“You, son of Garth, have been caught stealing from my gardens. Do you know the punishment?”

“Y-yes.” I stammered.

“Refresh my memory then, dear one.”

“If caught stealing, the punishment is the stripping of wings and banishment to Earth, to roam forever more.”

“Or...?” he raised an eyebrow, beckoning me to continue.

“Or fight and face death.” I murmured softly, fear spiking my heart again, causing my body produce a sheen of sweat.

He nodded, making a disapproving noise in the back of his throat. “Shame. You would have been great, dear one.”

My heart raced in my chest. I was afraid it would jump from my throat to the wood floor.

Rough hands pulled my arms behind my back and to my feet. “Walk.” a gruff voice said.

I did as the voice commanded, dreading the next moments. Bile rose in my throat and I swallowed, tasting the hotness in my throat long after it disappeared. Heart racing, palms sweating, my entire body covered in a sheen of sweat, utter fear coursing through me. Finally, we reached the stone pavilion and the rough hands forced me to my knees again, the entire population looking on at my banishment.

I winced as my soft white pants were ripped from my body, leaving me completely naked. Onlookers gasped, and women covered their children's eyes.

“Vincent Cain Kroger, do you realize the mistake you made?” June asked me in a deep, booming voice, letting everyone gathered hear him.

I nodded wordlessly, tears beginning to roll down my cheeks.

“Do you accept your sentence, knowing the only other punishment is death?” he asked calmly.

I nodded once more, letting my head fall. June stepped behind me and took a firm grip on my shoulders, digging his nails behind my shoulder blade. I cried out in pain, letting my wings unfurl.

“Father, forgive this boy, for he has sinned.” June murmured, pulling with all his ferocity.

I cried out, the world going red and black behind my closed eyes. It felt as if my entire body was engulfed in flames and being wrenched apart at the joints. I felt the darkness before me. I welcomed it gladly.

I did not hear the wails of the women in our city, nor the children crying. I did not even see the look of utter loss written on my father's face as I was pushed from the heavens, forever doomed to roam Earth.

Spoiler

I guess this is written in present day, seeing as I already have chapter 1 written. Also, I put this under Fantasy for the fact it is about an angel. But it also will have a Romeo/Juliet love in it eventually. Another note, it will have a bit of action, language and violence. Possibly sex scenes, I'm not sure yet, which is why I rated it 16+ for the moment. If it does change, I will change the rating. Hope you enjoyed! Criticism is appreciated.

Angels have always intrigued me and after reading a book about a fallen angel, I've always wanted to write about them. So this is my take! Hope you all like it

<3 Megan

Well this is a very interesting twist on the garden of eden story. I find this very interesting. Is there a reason why Cain is in his name? Will he betray his brother?

A few things I noticed: (comments and changes in bold)

“Vincent, I need to speak to you.” I heard my father's deep voice call from inside our home.

I hovered for a moment, taking a deep breath of fresh air, then angled my large jet black wings Wouldn't you want his wings to be white? It gives the impression that this person is a demon, not an angel like you want them to be. downward and touched the soft grass with my bare feet. I let out a sigh, folding my wings shut and walked to the large expanse of our porch.

I turned, looking out at the horizon. The sun was just beginning to set, the world turning everything gold and crimson Edited: The world was turning gold and crimson as the sun began to set. (Sorry, that's just my preference though.). The trees looked marvelous,; the leaves were shining. Autumn, my favorite time of year had just begun to set in. Use that instead of: It was my favorite time of year.

“Vincent!” I heard my father's voice again, urgent this time. I let my feathered wings meet the fresh air for a moment, then turned into the house.

“Yes, Father?”

My father was a magnificent man. Everyone knew who he was, and I was the spitting image of him. He was tall, about six foot four, jet black hair with onyx eyes and muscular. His wings were snow white, unlike mine, which were the color of midnight. His wings had a span of twelve feet, thus the reason for our large porch. Now I sort of caught why. I think you should not mention the color of his wings in the beginning then. So you can keep the impression.

I had much of his looks. The hair matched; we had the same sharp jaw and high cheek bones. My large feathered wings had a span of ten feet, and I stood at six feet, even. The only differing look from his were my eyes. I had my mother's eyes, who had died while birthing me. The They were as blue as the day sky. , while his were (insert color). I love your description by the way!

“There's been.... difficulties. So to speak.” "There have been difficulties, so to speak." Don't forget to include, my father said. You confused me there because I didn't know who was speaking.

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Son, they know.”

I stiffened. I had thought no one would have found out. It was the worst crime, and I had done the unthinkable.

In our realm, in the heavens, the worst crime was to eat of the leader's trees and gardens. I had done that act, You don't need a comma here. a week ago. It was so tempting. Our leader, June You shouldn't put his name here., had the most succulent fruits in his garden. I could no longer help myself. I restrained myself for years, but had finally broke. Now someone knew.Don't forget to say he ate the succulent fruit!

“Son, they are coming. They are coming now.”

My eyes widened. “Father, help me! I have to leave! Now!”

“Vincent, I can't allow you to do that.” My father stepped towards me.

Fear met my senses, spiking my heart rate.

“Father, w-what are you doing?”

“I am sorry, son. If I do not stop you, they will kill me...” He stepped forward once more, grabbing for me. I unfurled my wings, wincing as they overturned tables and knocked paintings to the ground with a crash.

“Vincent, no! If you leave, they will hunt you. If you stay, you will get the lesser punishment!”

I turned to run to the porch and froze. They were here. Already.They were already here.

June himself was standing there, looking mighty, the setting sun shooting rays around our house and through his wings. June was a leader, there was no doubting it. He was a warlord, also. That's what I feared.:his violent side, the merciless side. I think that's how it should be. His war side. The merciless side.

“Vincent, peace.” he said quietly. I squeezed my eyes shut in slight fear, closing my wings.

“Good, good.” I heard his leather sandals stride to my spot. Only then did I open my eyes. June had tawny brown hair, curling to frame his face and forest green eyes. His wings were large, and a shade lighter than his hair. He wore flowing tan pants that rested just at his hips, and a circlet of gold on his brow, declaring his status. I love your description of him! You are very good at describing people.

“Kneel, Vincent.” he said, staring into my eyes. I swallowed nervously, letting my knees hit the wood floor hard.

“You, son of Garth, have been caught stealing from my gardens. Do you know the punishment?”

“Y-yes.” I stammered.

“Refresh my memory then, dear one.” Dear one! He sounds as if he is being kind! Haha, sorry I love just pointing it out!

“If caught stealing, the punishment is the stripping of wings and banishment to Earth, to roam forever more.” I said.

“Or...?” he raised an eyebrow, beckoning me to continue.

“Or fight and face death.” I murmured softly, fear spiking my heart again, causing my body produce a sheen of sweat.

He nodded, making a disapproving noise in the back of his throat. “Shame. You would have been great, dear one.”there is that little quirk again!

My heart raced in my chest. I was afraid it would jump from my throat onto the wood floor.

Rough hands pulled my arms behind my back and to my feet. “Walk.” a gruff voice said.

I did as the voice commanded, dreading the next moments. Bile rose in my throat and I swallowed, tasting the hotness in my throat long after it disappeared. Heart racing, palms sweating, my entire body covered in a sheen of sweat, utter fear coursing through me. Finally, we reached the stone pavilion and the rough hands forced me to my knees again, the entire population looking on at my banishment.

I winced as my soft white pants were ripped from my body, leaving me completely naked, comma not necessary except for a gold chain around my neck. A pendant of my mother's, an angel's wing It was a pendant of my mother's, an angel's wing. Onlookers gasped, and women covered their children's eyes.

“Vincent Cain Kroger, do you realize the mistake you made?” June asked me in a deep, booming voice, letting everyone gathered hear him.

I nodded wordlessly, tears beginning to roll down my cheeks.

“Do you accept your sentence, knowing the only other punishment is death?” he asked calmly.

I nodded once more, letting my head fall. June stepped behind me and took a firm grip on my shoulders, digging his nails behind my shoulder blade. I cried out in pain, letting my wings unfurl.

“God forgive this boy, for he has sinned.” June murmured, pulling with all his ferocity. Typically, people would say "Father forgive this boy," since saying the Lord's name is blaspemy to them. I'm not sure if you'd want to say God.

I cried out, the world going red and black behind my closed eyes. It felt as if my entire body was engulfed in flames and being wrenched apart at the joints. I felt the darkness before me. I welcomed it gladly.

I did not hear the wails of the women in our city, nor the children crying. I did not even see the look of utter loss written on my father's face as I was pushed from the heavens, forever doomed to roam Earth.

Forever doomed to roam Earth! Oh, I enjoyed reading it. I await to read your next chapter.

Also (unrelated to your chapter) Happy Decemberween!

Thanks so much for the review! I did notice a few errors re-reading, thanks for pointing them out! And Cain I guess just popped up into because of the whole "fruit" thing! He doesn't have a brother, but there will be quite a few twists in this

Thank you for the compliments with the descriptions! Those will come in a lot through the whole story. I always have pictures in my head of characters and setting, I find details important.

June's little quirk is kind of his little "internal battle". He's got the leader side, but he also is wanting to show he cares, and can't find a happy meduim, so to speak. So he tries to be stern and soft at the same time, haha.

Glad you enjoyed it! Next chapter should be up soon!

Hey! Sorry if I'm late to your request. I saw in your portfolio that I also read your Nathaniel Stone novel, so I'm excited to see what your new story is like

Prologue


“Vincent, I need to speak to you.” I heard my father's deep voice call from inside our home.

I hovered for a moment, taking a deep breath of fresh air, then angled my large wings downward and touched the soft grass with my bare feet. I let out a sigh, folding my wings shut and walked to the large expanse of our porch.

It would be nice if you could include some more description of the wings. Are they like an angel, a bird, a fairie, a bat? What color and texture? You can’t have too much description here.
I turned, looking out at the horizon. The sun was just beginning to set, the world turning everything gold and crimson. The trees looked marvelous, the leaves shining. Autumn had just begun to set in. It was my favorite time of the year.

“Vincent!” I heard my father's voice again, urgent this time. I let my feathered wings meet the fresh air for a moment, then turned into the house.

“Yes, Father?”

My father was a magnificent man. Everyone knew who he was, and I was the spitting image of him. He was tall, about six foot four, jet black hair with onyx eyes and muscular. His wings were snow white, unlike mine, which were the color of midnight. His wings had a span of twelve feet, thus the reason for our large porch.

I had much of his looks. The hair matched; we had the same sharp jaw and high cheek bones. My large feathered wings had a span of ten feet, and I stood at six feet, even. All of this information was already given in the previous paragraph. It sounds a lot like you’re repeating yourself. I’d suggest combining these two together since they both deal with description. The only differing look from his were my eyes. I had my mother's eyes, who had died while birthing me. They were as blue as the day sky.

“There's been.... difficulties. So to speak.”

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Son, they know.”

I stiffened. I had thought no one would have found out. It was the worst crime, and I had done the unthinkable.

In our realm, in the heavens, the worst crime was to eat of the leader's trees and gardens. I had done that act, a week ago. It was so tempting. Our leader, June, had the most succulent fruits in his garden. I could no longer help myself. I restrained myself for years, but had finally broke. Now someone knew.

“Son, they are coming. They are coming now.”

My eyes widened. “Father, help me! I have to leave! Now!”

“Vincent, I can't allow you to do that.” My father stepped towards me.

Fear met my senses, spiking my heart rate.

“Father, w-what are you doing?”

“I am sorry, son. If I do not stop you, they will kill me...” He stepped forward once more, grabbing for me. I unfurled my wings, wincing as they overturned tables and knocked paintings to the ground with a crash.

“Vincent, no! If you leave, they will hunt you. If you stay, you will get the lesser punishment!”

I turned to run to the porch and froze. They were here. Already.

June himself was standing there, looking mighty, the setting sun shooting rays around our house and through his wings. June was a leader, there was no doubting it. He was a warlord, also. That's what I feared. His war side. The merciless side.

“Vincent, peace.” he said quietly. I squeezed my eyes shut in slight fear, closing my wings.

“Good, good.” I heard his leather sandals stride to my spot. Only then did I open my eyes. June had tawny brown hair, curling to frame his face and forest green eyes. His wings were large, and a shade lighter than his hair. He wore flowing tan pants that rested just at his hips, and a circlet of gold on his brow, declaring his status.

“Kneel, Vincent.” he said, staring into my eyes. I swallowed nervously, letting my knees hit the wood floor hard.

“You, son of Garth, have been caught stealing from my gardens. Do you know the punishment?”

“Y-yes.” I stammered.

“Refresh my memory then, dear one.”

“If caught stealing, the punishment is the stripping of wings and banishment to Earth, to roam forever more.”

“Or...?” he raised an eyebrow, beckoning me to continue.

“Or fight and face death.” I murmured softly, fear spiking my heart again, causing my body produce a sheen of sweat.

He nodded, making a disapproving noise in the back of his throat. “Shame. You would have been great, dear one.”

My heart raced in my chest. I was afraid it would jump from my throat to the wood floor.

Rough hands pulled my arms behind my back and to my feet. “Walk.” a gruff voice said.

I did as the voice commanded, dreading the next moments. Bile rose in my throat and I swallowed, tasting the hotness in my throat long after it disappeared. Heart racing, palms sweating, my entire body covered in a sheen of sweat, utter fear coursing through me. Finally, we reached the stone pavilion and the rough hands forced me to my knees again, the entire population looking on at my banishment.

It feels like you repeat a lot of words. You said ‘throat’ twice in the second sentence, and you repeated the phrases ‘sheen of sweat’ and ‘rough hands’ twice each. It’s pretty noticeable when you repeat stuff like that.
I winced as my soft white pants were ripped from my body, leaving me completely naked. Onlookers gasped, and women covered their children's eyes.

“Vincent Cain Kroger, do you realize the mistake you made?” June asked me in a deep, booming voice, letting everyone gathered hear him.

I nodded wordlessly, tears beginning to roll down my cheeks.

“Do you accept your sentence, knowing the only other punishment is death?” he asked calmly.

I nodded once more, letting my head fall. June stepped behind me and took a firm grip on my shoulders, digging his nails behind my shoulder blade. I cried out in pain, letting my wings unfurl.

“Father, forgive this boy, for he has sinned.” June murmured, pulling with all his ferocity.

I cried out, the world going red and black behind my closed eyes. It felt as if my entire body was engulfed in flames and being wrenched apart at the joints. I felt the darkness before me. I welcomed it gladly.

I did not hear the wails of the women in our city, nor the children crying. I did not even see the look of utter loss written on my father's face as I was pushed from the heavens, forever doomed to roam Earth.

Wow, I really like this!! It actually makes me want to write an angel story myself.
I couldn’t find any mistakes. If you want to improve this, I would just go back and pack in more description of the surroundings and more of his world in general. But honestly, I don’t think that this needs much improvement, you did a wonderful job with it, I think.
There are a few things that made me wonder, like why he was so badly tempted to eat from the garden, or what his relationship was with his father before this whole incident. Also, I’m not quite sure what the angel society is like, it seems kind of cruel, but you don’t make that too clear. What do angels do, exactly? Do they just wander around or do they have jobs like humans?
But that’s just food for thought.
I can’t wait to read the next chapter!